Seclusion

"Love comes from prayer

And prayer comes from remaining in seclusion" -Isaac of Syria

As I look at this phrase, I tend to dismantle it piece by piece. "Love comes from prayer," I think that is one of the best ways to describe where love comes from, because prayer is all about coming into relationship with God and, as St. John tells us, "God is love." (1 John 4:8) It makes sense then that prayer increases our capacity and ability to love, for the more that we come to know God, Who is love, the more we come to know what true love is. So, clearly, it is quite accurate to say that Love comes from prayer.

The second part goes, "and prayer from remaining in seclusion." This is an interesting concept to wrap one's mind around. I know that personally, some of my most productive prayer time is alone with the Lord in adoration. Yet, this seclusion eventually forces me to look inward and to assess my own weaknesses and my complete and utter incapability to do anything pleasing to God without His grace. Seclusion and prayer are like this intricate dance, each one helps the other out, like a couple doing a waltz. The ultimate result is something that is absolutely beautiful. As of late I've been wrestling with this single state of life. My room mate is most likely getting engaged at the end of the year and my other best friend is getting back together with his ex and I have absolutely no one who interests me right now. In a sense I am secluded. 

This leads me to wonder, God said of Adam, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him." (Gen 2:18) We all know what God was thinking, but I wonder what it was like for Adam? He really was secluded, there was no other rational human being for him to even converse with. Imagine what his prayer must have been like, all he had was God, the prayer born out of that type of seclusion must have been phenomenal. If one were to follow Isaac of Syria's quote, imagine how great Adam's love must have been, throw in the fact that at this point he hadn't sinned, and man, his prayer and his love must have been out of this world! Maybe all of us in the single state of life should take note of this and not wallow in our seclusion, but allow it to cultivate in us a powerful prayer life, thus cultivating in us a powerful capacity to love. This seclusion is only the preparation for my own ability to love whomever God has destined for me. 

Inhale

All in this atmosphere

No fear, less tears, only time to catch my breath

I fail to inhale

Your love constricts my chest

      Leave it to P.O.D. to inspire me to write another blog. I was listening to the song "Satellite" and these lyrics really stood out to me. They grabbed me and pulled me in and I think these lyrics are a testament to an incredible concept. 

This life is nuts, quite literally. Two weeks ago I had a ten page paper due, I had to edit my other ten page paper I had to write this semester, I had a take-home exam that I had to spend somewhere in the ballpark of 6 hours on, I had an exam I needed to study for, all of these big projects were due within three days of each other. It felt like I was always running to catch up on some work or to finish some project or update something on the digital signs on campus or I had to study for a quiz or I had to do this that and the other thing. At times it felt like I never had any time to just sit back and catch my breath, I was ever-constantly moving, I was always working on something else, as soon as one big project was done, bam, the next one was plopped in my lap. Our lives get like this, we get so caught up in all these "things" that we have to do, all of these obligations and duties to classes, friends, work etc.. There were a couple of times I was on the verge of tears because everything just overwhelmed me it seemed like I never had any time to just breathe. The entirety of our lives here on earth is similar to that, we always seem to have something going on, don't we? How easy is it for us to put off prayer time or reading scripture or spending time with the Lord in adoration because we have "too much to do?" I'm just as guilty of it as anybody else. 

When I spend time with God, especially in adoration, it's like I'm not in the world, I'm outside of it, almost in another "atmosphere" to keep with the theme of the song. It gives me the chance to breathe, the time to sit and to re-connect, but, what really intrigues me about the lyrics to this song is the line, "I fail to inhale, Your love constricts my chest." What if when we're with the Lord, instead of having a chance to breathe and inhale, He took our breath away every single time? What if His love just overwhelmed us? Sure, maybe we didn't get that time to "catch our breath" because we were overwhelmed, not by the stresses of the world, but by the incredible Lover Who is with us. How phenomenal is that, it's like we're suspended in His love, it constricts us. Have you ever been hugged by somebody so tight that it made it hard to breathe? That's what it should be like every time we come into the presence of the Lord, but we don't experience it that way. What if God always wanted it to be that way? What if God always wanted to overwhelm us with His presence, but, we simply "weren't in the mood" or "were distracted by everything else" or wouldn't even go to be with Him? There's an adage that goes, "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take in, but by the moments that take your breath away." I think that really is true, and it should always be our Creator Who takes our breath away, because His love is so overwhelming that it feels like it's a bear-hug, constricting our chests. There is an incredible love just waiting for us, but, we overlook it far too often. I just want to be able to let His love overwhelm me and take my breath away, I don't need to catch my breath, I need to have it taken away.

Door

"Love is the door to eternity" -Thomas Merton

Merton writes these lines that grab ahold of my soul and shake me to my core, lines like this one. We are here, now, this is our state, bound to time and space yet we are destined to something greater, we are destined for eternity. If love is the door to eternity, what does that translate into for us? Everyone yearns to be loved, it's hardwired into who and what we are as human beings. Perhaps it is because love is the door to eternity that we yearn for it so much. Love is part of what makes us eternal. It's only because of God's love that we even exist, our desire for love could ultimately be a desire to be eternal with the One who is both eternal and Love, God. The very fact that love is eternal means that we can't capture all of what love is and that is precisely why we want it, it will take an eternity to gasp.

Politicians

Everything is broken

Everything is broken

Everything is breaking down, breaking down

Everything is bleeding

Everything is bleeding

Everything is breaking down, breaking down

I pledge allegiance to a country without borders, without politicians

Watching for my sky to get torn apart

We are broken, we are bitter

We're the problem, we're the politicians

Watching for our sky to get torn apart

C'mon and break me

Entropy and Aching

Where have we been aiming?

Everything is fading out, fading out

We are the faded, splitted, and sedated

Everything is fading out, fading out

I pledge allegiance to a country without borders, without politicians

Watching for my sky to get torn apart

We are broken, we are bitter

We're the problem, we're the politicians

Watching for our sky to get torn apart

C'mon and break me

C'mon and break me

I pledge allegiance to a country without borders, without politicians,

politicians, politicians..

I am broken, I am bitter

I'm the problem, I'm the politician

Watching for my sky to get torn apart

C'mon and break me

(come on and break me)

Today, Barack Hussein Obama won the presidential election and became the 44th president of the United States. As many in the nation are screaming and dancing and rejoicing and exclaiming Obama as some type of "savior" I can't help but feel as if something is horribly awry. CNN has referred to him as "savior" and "the Jesus of the democratic party" and I can't help but feel as if something is going terribly wrong, equating any politician with names like that is simply asking for trouble. People are enthralled, "look how far we've come! The nation's first black president!" or "He'll save us in our economic crisis!" whatever. Jesus says in the gospel, "Be sure of this: if the master of the house had known the hour when the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into. You also must be prepared, for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come." -Luke 12:39-40 As the nation is caught up in the Obama virus, there's a part of me that's saying, "watch out, we never know when His return is." I pledge allegiance to a country without borders, I'm just a visitor here. And so, as our nation heads on a course which I am sure time and history will forever regret, I'm watching and waiting for my sky to get torn apart.

Strong

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let Your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

Give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us, today, our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

God just knows how to give us those little things that'll help keep us afloat. I got this song today from a free download, it's  by Jon Foreman (lead singer of Switchfoot) and like, it just really spoke to my heart. There's so much about our Father that I forget about, and I think the thing that I forget the most is how strong our God's love is. The pre-chorus, "So why should I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need!" is something that is SO important to remember always. Every inch of creation is declaring the beauty of the Lord and how faithful He is, and yet I don't. I just think that this idea of God's love being strong is what I need to remember. No matter how much crap is going on in my heart, no matter how stressed I am, no matter how obnoxious life can be sometime, God's love is strong enough to pull me through. There is nothing that can keep me from this love. St. Paul says that, "I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) Nothing can separate us from the Love of God, His love is so strong, it is so strong. We get caught up in the stresses and forget about how powerful His love is. Despite our limitations and our faults, He still loves us, His love is strong. The birds declare His glory, the flowers mirror His beauty and my love needs to mirror His love and be strong. He is holding my right hand, everything will be alright, my God's love is strong.

Grasp

"For I am the Lord, your God, who grasp your right hand;

It is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'" -Isaiah 41:13

Lately, my heart has been hurting, I don't really know why, and I don't really know an adequate way to describe it. It just hurts it's almost as if there's this longing that isn't being fulfilled, this emptiness. I was in adoration tonight and I tried to express my heart to God, but I couldn't find a way to adequately express it all, and then it occurred to me, I don't have to express my heart to Him, He already knows. He knows why it is that I'm in this funk, and He loves me regardless. I opened the scriptures and stumbled across this verse, and it really resonated with me for some reason. There's something to be said for grasping somebody's hand. I remember growing up going to the store with my dad, and I was for the most part a very well-behaved child but every once in a while I would wander off from my dad. When I would notice that I was separated from my father, panic overcame me and nothing was okay until he came and grabbed my hand. My heart is kinda like that. I'm in a panic and I don't know why or where my Father is, and nothing will be alright until He grasps my hand. God needs to grab ahold of my hand now, because I don't know what's going on anymore. 

Deliver

All of my life, I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like You

Now that You're here, now that I've found You,

I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me. Those two words express so much. This song has been on and off my mind all day today, the idea of just coming to God with all that I am, brokenness and all, and laying it out before Him has been so huge these past couple days. It's crying out to God, it's this idea of being weak and knowing that my God is okay with my weakness and is willing to meet me there because His power is made perfect in weakness. All of these things are so beautifully expressed in the words "deliver me." Now, more than ever, I just need God to come and pull me through.

Still

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

God is God and I am not. Sometimes I feel like I spread myself so think that I have this sense of having to do everything. Sometimes, I feel like Atlas from Greek mythology He holds the weight of the world on his shoulders and never rests, it's unceasing. Mark Hart keeps a small statue of Atlas in his office and he explained to me once, "I keep Atlas in here as a reminder that I cannot carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it's okay because I don't have to, Jesus already did." Be still and know that He is God. It is so important to do that every once in a while. There is so much about God that we can get lost in. This summer I remember talking a lot about the God-shaped hole. The idea that each one of us has this hole, this void that can only be filled by God. Sometimes it's important to just sit, stop worrying, stop planning, stop over-analyzing, and just let God fill that hole, just realize that God is God and I am not. There are just times that I do just need to sit down, shut up and drink in the beauty of who God is. It is necessary for us to be still and silent in order for His love to overtake us, and drown us in the intensity of this love. God is God and I am not, I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders because, Christ already did that.

Stir

"Do not arouse, do not stir up love before its own time." -Song of Songs 2:7

It always seems to come back to women problems with me. Recently, I've been entertaining ideas of moving back to Arizona and working for Life Teen as a speaker. I think about how I have this secret desire to take over for Mark Hart. Just, living the single life where all I'd do is focus on spreading the Word of God in a life-changing way, if the Holy Spirit so desires it. Just pouring all that I can into that, traveling the United States, maybe even the world and not having to tie myself down to a wife and kids. I love the Life Teen program and in some way, shape, or form I want to use the talents the Lord gave me to reach teens through that program. When I sit down and think about it, I get really excited and I start thinking to myself, "I just want to do that." Then, I think about how much I really do want a wife and kids. Sometimes I get frustrated with God and think to myself, "Why has there not been anyone placed in front of me yet?" This scripture verse always seems to find its way to the forefront of my mind when I think like that though. Sometimes we get caught up in this obsession, this idea that if we don't find someone soon, then that's it, we're done for, we'll be alone for the rest of our lives. That's probably one of the scariest thoughts for me, that I'll end up being alone. However, I feel like this scripture verse is really good to keep in mind. It's not my place to try and arouse love before its time. Whether I find someone here at school that I might want to settle down with or I do remain single for a while longer and end up working for Life Teen, it doesn't matter. God knows when to arouse, when to awaken the love that He has in store for me and I just need to trust in that. 

Appointed

"There is an appointed time for everything,

and a time for every affair under the heavens." -Ecclesiastes 3:1

      Time is such an interesting thing. It is everywhere, we cannot escape it. I've been pondering for a little while the difference between Chronos and Kairos, the two different types of perception of time. Chronos is that perception of waiting in line, or waiting for a boring class to end. Kairos, on the other hand, is sacred time. It's when two lovers spend time together and lose track of the time, it's when you're in adoration and the time that seemed only like minutes turns out to be hours. This fundamental difference in perception of time intrigues me. Kairos is such an amazing experience. There is an appointed time for everything, and I think what brings about the appointed times of Kairos is love.

      The love of God encapsulates everything that is good. I think when we really drink that love in and let it consume us, that's what the essence of Kairos is. Those times that we are so blissfully unaware of anyone or anything that surround us when we're simply caught up in the presence of God is Kairos, and I think, a little foretaste of Heaven. God gives us these times because, honestly, we need them. He uses time to reach us, form us, make us holy, and the "appointed time" for Kairos is an important part of that. God, let me get lost in Kairos with You more and more every day.

Simplicity

      "No matter how simple discourse may be, it is never simple enough. No matter how simple thought may be, it is never simple enough. No matter how simple love may be, it is never simple enough. The only thing left is the simplicity of the soul in God or, better, the simplicity of God."

–Thomas Merton

      Why must we make things so complex? Why do we always wrap ourselves up in this notion that we are more important than we actually are? At church we do a verse that we added to the song, "The Love of God" and it goes like this:

"If our love could just be simple

We would take Him at His word

Then our lives would be thanksgiving

And we'd kneel, and wash, and serve"

      What does simple love look like? Love, to me, seems to be such a complex reality. Love never ceases to baffle me. Just when I think I have a grasp on it, something comes up that shakes my "grasp" on it. Love is supposed to be simple, maybe love can be shown in the smallest and simplest of things. Maybe love really can be captured in a smile, or an embrace, or a phone call. Love is this thing that I feel like I can write about forever, and yet, it seems so easily summarized. 

      Why is it that we make love so complicated? I mean, why is it that we do this weird dance around love? I suppose it stems from our fallen nature, it stems from our imperfect love. I would wager that, before the fall, we were more capable of love and experiencing deeper love than we are today. The commandments make it clear, love is what we're supposed to do. "Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the Lord alone! Therefore, you shall love the LORD, your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength." -Deuteronomy 6:4-5. I mean, Jesus even says in Matthew's gospel, "You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37-39) There it is, the entirety of the Christian life is placed before us, yet, we're afraid. Yes, we're afraid, afraid to let someone in, afraid to give of ourselves, afraid of being let down or pushed aside, so our love is weak. It's okay though because whatever we lack, He makes up for, His grace strengthens us. St. Paul says in his second letter to the Corinthians of the Lord's grace, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." God will make our love powerful, and I would wager that the simpler our love is, the more powerful it becomes.

Beyond

"If I fly with the wings of dawn and 

Alight beyond the sea,

Even there Your hand will guide me,

Your right hand hold me fast" -Psalm 139: 9-10

     Sometimes I feel like I'm just kind of hanging out there on my own. Sometimes I pray and ask God, "Can You hear me up there? I haven't heard from You in quite some time." This is one of those times. Then, I find scripture verses like this, and they're small little reminder's of God's loving providence. Even if I was to fall off the face of the planet, He would still be there. No matter how far I feel from God, His right hand still guides me, and that is an incredibly comforting thought. 

     My pastor, Fr. Jack, always used to say to us while we were in high school, "Always remember this: even if you stop believing in God, He doesn't stop believing in you." I don't know why those words have made such an impact on me, I've never really stopped believing in God's existence... maybe it's because sometimes I don't trust in God's love for me. There are days that I just find it a hard pill to swallow that God is up there and He's got everything under control and that He's looking out for my best interests. There are times that I'm so weak and doubtful of God's love for me that I just don't even have any motivation to pray. Yet, despite all of this, despite all of the crap that I give God time and time again, He always, always, always meets me where I'm at.

      One time in high school, I was walking and talking with my confirmation sponsor about some struggles that I was having in my faith walk and I just kept saying to him, "Ian, I just don't know how in the world God can love me, and I don't know how He can be doing good things in my life." Ian just looked at me and in the most compassionate tone I've ever heard he said, "I know what you mean man, and I've been there, but you just got to remember that God will always meet you where you're at." He'll meet me where I'm at, how incredible that statement is. Even if I'm beyond the sea, He will meet me there. Even if I'm face down in exhaustion and can no longer muster the strength to get up, He'll meet me there. Mark Hart said once, "You have a God who would rather die than spend an eternity without you." He's ready and willing, I just need to be willing to let Him meet me. Sometimes even the simplest thing like that seems like the most difficult thing to accomplish.

Nostalgia

       I've been feeling very nostalgic as of late. The more and more I think about it, the more and more I really and truly do appreciate my friends from high school. Scott, Rick, Zach, Shannon, CJ, Stephanie, Kim, all of these people played such a big part of helping me learn how to love. The other day I was walking back from class and it just kinda hit me all at once. I was thinking to myself, "Four years ago I was experiencing the best year of my high school career." I went back to thinking about confirmation classes, about going to Nick and Arlene's wedding, about meetings in the beast, about going to Desert Vista football games, about the Life Teen retreats, about all the inside jokes. All of these incredible experiences that made up the best part of high school for me. I went though the list of all those who were closest to me and I just said a prayer of thanksgiving for each and every one of them because every one of them really did make high school bearable for me. 

     

     I started thinking about altar serving and I almost started choking up, it was so weird. I thought about the times that Rick,  CJ and I served for the bishop and we kept screwing around whenever Bishop Olmstead wasn't looking our way. I thought about all of those teen masses that we served together, then I thought about the very last night that we all altar served together and how CJ looked over at me during the communion hymn and said, "Dude, this is our last mass together." Something that drove me up the wall sometimes really did become one of my favorite memories of high school. 

 

     Then I started thinking about all those times that I went over to Shannon's. Goodness, that place was almost like my second home. I remember all the times that Shannon and I had those intense conversations, all the tears, all the laughs... God, sometimes I'd give anything to go back. I never thought I'd say that. I remember the time that Shannon had her wisdom teeth pulled and we all went to Native New Yorker, just these little memories that are more precious to me than anything this world could offer. 

 

    Then, I thought about all the times the "Three Amigos" hung out. Scott, Rick and I were always so stupid. We would do the most ridiculous things, like, go into a gas station restroom and have Scott do his under-arm farting... just to see what type of response we'd get from the people in the stalls. We were so immature, but, we gloried in it. I think fondly of the messages  that Scott would leave me on my cell phone. Messages like, "Hello Mr. Hyland, this is the uh City Morgue, and we're sorry about the loss of your grandfather, but we would suggest that you attend a Desert Vista football game to help with the grieving process," or how many times Scott would just leave me messages that started of with, "Your mom ______" and how I  would just laugh hysterically because it was the greatest thing in the world. I remember the time that Rick and I just went driving for the sake of driving, man, we drove out to the middle of nowhere and it was completely okay, we laughed and joked the whole entire way. I remember all the times that Rick and I talked about women and how they never made any sense at all. I thought to all those times that Rick stood by my side no matter what was going down, he was always there to support me, always there to lift me up, always there to make things better. Praise God for Rick LaFave. I remember referring to Keith as "the clipboard kid" and how Scott misheard me and thought I said, "Keith, the clipboard bitch." I remember hanging out with Stephen Bradford and always feeling so much better. Then, there was the time that we got busted by the cops for throwing water-balloons into the street, which has now become one of my infamous stories. There was nothing in the world that beat the times I spent with the guys. 

 

     Then there were the retreats, oh man, those retreats. I can remember the time that we weren't in Cabin M and how upset we all were. I remember the retreat that we all decided to talk with Minnesotan accents and referred to everything as some type of fish. "Dat's a fish right der dontchano." I remember the tears and the healings that happened on those retreats. The adorations that knocked us on our butts and made us realize how much we needed God. Those were some of the best times of my life and, even though I complained and hated high school at the time, I look back on it and can't help but yearn for those days again. For the days that I could just go on retreat with everybody, for the days that I could call up Scott or Rick and just hang out and do something stupid on a Friday night. So, this is for all of you guys... I thank God for all that you have been and continue to be for me, even though we may not talk as much as we used to, you all still mean so much to me, and I am so thankful for all that you are... know that always.

Lay

The room is still, there's a sense of wonder and awe which radiates all around me. I lay face-down in reverence and respect for Who stands before me. The carpeted floor carries the scent of incense on it and is uncomfortable to lay prostrate on. The thurible clinks softly in front of me as the incense rises like a cloud. I hear the muttered words of languages that I do not understand, there are some around me sniffling and trying to fight back tears. The silence is thick and heavy, the type of silence that is not easily endured, the type of silence that is deafening. There's this tension in the room, everyone can feel it illuminating every inch of this chapel. Some are kneeling, some are sitting, some are laying prostrate, all are caught up in the majesty of Who is with us. The silence is gently broken by the soft strumming of a guitar, the melody is simple yet moving, much like all the prayers being lifted up at that moment. The serene strumming of the guitar continues without a word for a period of time. Then, everyone in the room becomes aware of the words now accompanying the beautifully simplistic melody.

Everything I am,

Everything I long to be

I lay it down at Your feet

The song captures all that I wished to express to my King. Despite the fact that I was lost, lonely, confused, hurt, angry, bitter, caught up in my sin, all that I was was being laid before my God at that moment. The tears began to roll down my face onto the carpeted floor and I began to weep, for at that moment in time I felt like a beggar who had stumbled into the courts of the king with nothing to give but a simple life. "I lay it down God, even though it is not a worthy gift to give You, all that I am Lord, I place before you here now," I prayed in between the tears. So I laid there, face down, suspended in this moment in time. Then, I looked up and there, on the altar before me was my God, the golden monstrance which encapsulated the Eucharistic Lord took on a shimmer all its own. It was almost as if the gold itself was aware that it was holding the most incredible gift that our Lord ever gave us, Himself. Then, father took up the monstrance and made the sign of the cross over all of us, but at that moment then, more than ever before, it truly was Christ Himself blessing us. The love of my God consumed me that night, and from that moment on nothing could ever again be casual or insignificant...

Appreciation

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment

Would you capture it or just let it slip?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti

He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready

To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin

What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud

He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out

He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now

The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!

Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity

Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked

He's so mad, but he won't give up that

Easy, no

He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes

It don't matter, he's dope

He knows that, but he's broke

He's so stagnant that he knows

When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's

Back to the lab again yo

This whole rap shit

He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

[Hook:]

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment

You own it, you better never let it go

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

The soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping

This world is mine for the taking

Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order

A normal life is borin, but super stardom's close to post mortem

It only grows harder, only grows hotter

He blows us all over these hoes is all on him

Coast to coast shows, he's know as the globetrotter

Lonely roads, God only knows

He's grown farther from home, he's no father

He goes home and barely knows his own daughter

But hold your nose cuz here goes the cold water

His hoes don't want him no mo, he's cold product

They moved on to the next schmo who flows

He nose dove and sold nada

So the soap opera is told and unfolds

I suppose it's old partna', but the beat goes on

Da da dum da dum da da

[Hook]

No more games, I'ma change what you call rage

Tear this mothafuckin roof off like 2 dogs caged

I was playin in the beginnin, the mood all changed

I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage

But I kept rhymin and stepwritin the next cipher

Best believe somebody's payin the pied piper

All the pain inside amplified by the fact

That I can't get by with my 9 to 5

And I can't provide the right type of life for my family

Cuz man, these goddamn food stamps don't buy diapers

And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life

And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder

Tryin to feed and water my seed, plus

Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna

Baby mama drama's screamin on and

Too much for me to wanna

Stay in one spot, another day of monotony

Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail

I've got to formulate a plot fore I end up in jail or shot

Success is my only mothafuckin option, failure's not

Mom, I love you, but this trailer's got to go

I cannot grow old in Salem's lot

So here I go is my shot.

Feet fail me not cuz maybe the only opportunity that I got

[Hook]

You can do anything you set your mind to, man

I just really felt the need to write about how much I appreciate Eminem, seriously. As messed up and as perverted as he can be sometimes, there are aspects of his music that I just vibe with. Sometimes there's this intense anger that builds up inside of me and the only way to really and truly release it in a healthy manner is lock myself in my room and blare Eminem for half an hour or so. I think that in all of us there's this deep corner of us that's savage and wild. What I love about Eminem's music is that it gives me an outlet to just be that person for a little while, I can rap along with his songs and just scream the curse-words, and you know what? It's therapeutic. When days just get me down and beat me into the ground, I just listen to Eminem for a while and zone... and usually by the end I feel better. Does this make me a horrible person? No, I don't think so, though some people think that Eminem is the new Hitler or the Anti-Christ, I think he's just an incredibly misguided artist. Despite the fact that he's misguided, his music does relieve a part of my being that isn't able to be expressed otherwise. So,  there you have it, I love Eminem and I appreciate all that his music has been able to do for me.

Vow

We should be able to say

Whatever we must with no consequence

{no consequence}

Whenever I open my mouth

Nothing comes out the way I intend

What you just heard

Is not what I meant

Over and over again

I open my mouth and insert my foot

It's not that I'm trying to wound

It's just that my words are misunderstood

Even when my

Intentions are good

If actions speak louder than words

Then could we ignore what we have heard?

Besides, we'll all hear what we want

Instead of what's said

We're twisting and turning meanings

These words are a one way street

And once they go out

There's no turning back

So why don't I filter my thoughts

And stop blurting out what comes to my head

And better my chance to not offend

I'm taking a vow of silence

I've been listening to this band, Greenwich, a lot lately. It's actually funny because, my best friend from Jr. High, Jared, is the second guy in this band, and I knew that he was musically gifted, but I never knew he was this good. This song, in particular, has stood out to me as of late. I think that this song poses an interesting idea. What if we really lived in a world where we could say whatever we had to without there being any negative consequences? Why is it always so damn hard to bear your heart to someone? There comes a time when I just need to express what is going on in my heart, there comes a time when I need to act on it. What happens when the action you've taken speaks louder than any words you could speak, but they serve no purpose? What happens when your action is pointless and will avail nothing at all? If actions speak louder than words, can we forget what we've heard? The action that I've taken cannot be forgotten, it can't be ignored, and there's a part of me that wishes that I would have just kept my mouth shut... then there's another part of me that knows that I would find no peace until I took the action I did. I don't know, but, after this whole situation has passed, I'll be taking a "vow of silence" toward this person inparticular...

women.

Forward

"The one thing necessary is true interior and spiritual life, true growth, on my own, in depth, in a new direction. Whatever new direction God opens up for me. My job is to press forward, to grow interiorly, to pray, to break away from attachments and to defy fears, to grow in faith, which has its own solitude, to seek an entirely new perspective and new dimension in my life. To open up new horizons at any cost. To desire this and let the Holy Spirit take care of the rest. But really to desire this and work for it." -Thomas Merton

If we're not moving forward, we're falling back. This old adage neatly sums up the pursuit of Eternal Happiness. We never stay the same, we are ever-constantly pushing forward in this fight to love God, things are always new, this fact ties in nicely in what is revealed to us in Revelation 21:5, "Behold, I make all things new." Yet, there's this intrinsic paradox that comes along with all things being new. You would think that, since it is God Who makes all things new, we would be willing to listen, willing to push forward, because nothing else matters. Human experience proves something entirely different. When I'm faced with a new horizon or a new path that God has laid before me, often times, I am consumed with fear, entranced by doubt, filled with anxiety. This "new" that is before us, Merton says we are, "to press forward, to grow interiorly, to pray, to break away from attachments and to defy fears." 

Not only are we to simply push forward if God places something before us, we are supposed to actively seek out this new horizon and pursue it "at any cost." The idea of doing something new for God is all throughout scripture. In Isaiah 43, God says to His people, "see, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?" The psalms proclaim that we are to, "sing to God a new song; skillfully play with joyful chant (Psalm 33:3)." St. Paul says that we "have put on the new self (Colossians 3:10)." The Lord Himself says through the prophet Ezekiel, "I will give you a new heart and place a new spirit within you (Ezekiel 36:26)." Yet despite all of these assurances from God that He is with is through the "new" whatever that "new" may be, we still fight it. We're afraid, because "new" means "different;" "new" means "uncomfortable;" "new" means "uncharted;" and even for some of us, "new" means "scary as hell." 

What does this all translate into? Ultimately, for me at least, it means that I need to learn how to trust in God more than I do. I will never be able to understand why God is always placing something "new" in front of me, but I am firmly convinced of the fact that I need to pursue that "new" whatever it may be, even if it is at the cost of my comfort, my security, my sense of belonging, my confidence even. We leave the fine tuning of the "new" to the hands of the Holy Spirit, but, it still needs to be done. Jesus was always challenging His disciples to something new, something different, something unfamiliar; could you imagine how different the world would be if the disciples had simply said, "No, I'm fine with where I'm at, where it's comfortable, where it's safe," to what Jesus was asking of them? How different the world would look. I mean, look at the story of St. Peter and Jesus on the water:

"Then he made the disciples get into the boat and precede him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. After doing so, he went up to the mountain by himself to pray. When it was evening he was there alone. Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, he came toward them, walking on the sea. When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. 'It is a ghost,' they said, and they cried out in fear. At once [Jesus] spoke to them, 'Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.' Peter said to him in reply, 'Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw how [strong] the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus stretched out his his hand and caught him, and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' After they got into the boat, the wind died down." -Matthew 14:22-32

This passage is so chocked full of things to reflect on. In biblical times "the fourth watch of the night" was considered the darkest part of the night, the time when anything could happen, and was often the most terrifying. How often does God challenge us to do something new during our "fourth watch of the night" when things seem to be the darkest, when things are terrifying? Despite the dark, Peter still actively sought out doing something new. He called to Jesus and asked Him to call him out of the boat to walk on the water towards Him. As terrifying as it may have been, Peter still made the effort, Peter still stepped out of the boat. In the Bible, the phrase "Do not be afraid" appears 366 times, that's one for every single day of the year, even leap years. God is placing something new before you right now. Maybe this is a bright time of your life when the "new" doesn't appear to be that bad and you're looking for a change in pace. Maybe this is your "fourth watch of the night" when things are terrifying and nothing makes sense, but, God is calling you to something entirely "new." Whatever state you might be in, however small or big the "new" may be for you in your life, remember that He is there whispering into your ear, "Do not be afraid." Just remember that He is the One who "makes all things new."

Essence

"The essence of salvation is crying out to God and admitting, 'I don't have it all together.' It's admitting, 'I am lost, I am hurting; and this sinful nature that I carry around with me has really screwed things up for me and God, if You don't show me the way home, if You don't fix things, if You don't step in, I am dying here..."   –Rob Bell

Recently, I have felt more and more of the need to get back to the roots of what faith is all about. We love our masks don't we? We love acting like everything is fine, like there's nothing wrong, like everything is under control. We put up these faces of "being holy" or "righteous" and we continue to believe the idea that God can only work with those who have everything all together. 

I look back upon my faith walk, and I realize that, even though I have come a long, long way from who I was then... there's something incredibly beautiful about that first realization of Who and What God is. There's nothing more phenomenal to me than looking at that first instance, that moment in time that I realized that God is God and I am not. For me, it was a night during my freshman year of Life Teen, we had adoration and I just remember lying face down on the ground bawling because I couldn't keep up the mask any longer. I cried out to God in my prayer that night, "You need to help me, because there is nothing I can do." It's in that moment that God took ahold of me in an incredibly personal way. What a gift. 

It says in scripture, "At dusk, dawn, and noon I will grieve and complain and my prayer will be heard." -Psalm 55:18. God will even hear our grieving and complaining, we just need to come with all that we are to Him. He wants all that we are, not just the "best part" of us, He wants all of us. He wants us with our faults, our doubts, our failures, our pains, all of it. He is our Father, and I think that sometimes we forget this. We come to Him more often than not with the disposition that He is this distant deity who we have to impress. No, nothing could be further from the truth. Our God wants to meet us where we're at. The scriptures are full of verses showing how much He just wants to be with us, regardless of what we've done or how much "junk" we have. It says in Isaiah 43: 18-19, "Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; see, I am doing something new!" He just wants to be with us, like a loving father, all He wants is to care for us and shower us with His love. Yet, we still keep this idea of "God is up there, and I am down here." Why is it so difficult to just let go and let Him love us? Why is it so hard to come to Him with all that we are, brokenness and all.

The essence of salvation is crying out to God, I completely and whole-heartedly agree with that statement. We should be crying out to God daily and saying to Him, "Father, I need You, I'm really messed up down here." He continually meets us where we're at, that's how great our God is, let's never forget that.

Waiting

"But I believe I shall enjoy the Lord's Goodness in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 27:13-14

I remember reading once that as human beings we only want what is inferior, but God would give us so much more, if only we believed it. I felt like this psalm really hit on that, it is because we believe that we shall enjoy the Lord's goodness in the land of the living. Even though we believe this, we sometimes still have to wait.

Waiting can be such an awesome thing, it's in waiting that the things we receive take on an extra sweetness to them. Sean McConnell wrote this song called, "Tired of Waiting" and one part of the song that always gets me goes like this:

"So we wait in this vineyard of precious time

Where the Master is all we'll need

He knew when to pick us off the vine

He'll know when to make our colors bleed together

They say all this waiting can only sweeten this heart of mine."

The last couple lines is what always knocks me off my feet. All this waiting can only sweeten this heart of mine. When I do find the one whose colors I'm supposed to bleed with, it'll be that much sweeter. It's comforting to think that this waiting that I am enduring right now is for something better, the fact that this waiting will make me appreciate who the person is for who she is instead of appreciating who she is for the sake that she just is someone I can love. It'll make my love sweeter, more heart-felt, more human. 

It's hard to accept that sometimes because there are days that I just say to God, "Come on now, don't you think I've been hanging here long enough?" But, in this vineyard of precious time, the Master is truly all we need. The waiting is all a part of His incredible plan, the plan which He has for each and every one of us. I need to ever-constantly remind myself of Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope." He knows the best way to prepare our hearts for each other, and in some cases, it's waiting. The most important thing though, is no matter how long we wait, no matter how confusing and frustrating things may seem, we need to always believe in our God's words to us that He does have plans for our welfare, not for woe! Take courage! If you believe and wait, then we will be able to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! How great is our God? Despite all of this, sometimes, I'm tired of waiting...

Until

Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you
The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again

I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you

The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah


The time it took to find you
I would
Wait again my baby
The feelings that
I feel with you now, yeah


until you until you until you

This song is so good, I feel inadequate writing about how much it has really hit me and touched my heart, yet, I still need to do it. If there is anything at all that I'm firmly convinced of, it is this: God is doing something in me for this upcoming year. I don't know what, but I know something is coming.

I'd like to consider this a small confession: I am ready to just go on dates. I've planned so many things out and thought of so many ways to try and ask with charm for someone to go on a date. Then there's the ever-present idea of who exactly to ask on these dates, and so far, I really and truly don't know who... there are a couple girls that I find my mind drifting off to daydream about all the time it seems. This song by Dave Barnes just really captures a simple, moving love song. I mean, imagine all that comes along with this song... it's like a marriage proposal.

I can't wait until I fall madly in love with that one person who God has set aside for me and just... bask in it. Honestly, sometimes it does feel like love has been kept from me like a secret, and the more I think about it, the more that I think love is supposed to be a secret in some aspects. A relationship with another person is like a secret, it's only shared with the two involved, and it's very intimate, it's like, no one else in the world can or should be a part of that secret. There's something that's intangible, inexpressible even, in each and every good, working relationship. I was at Jay's office last Monday for an hour and a half, and at one point his wife called him and he asked me to leave the room so he could talk to her, and honestly, I had no problem doing that, at all. There's this secret in Jason and Yevonne's relationship that no one should or probably could be privy to, some people may call it chemistry, but, I would prefer to think of it as the secret of love. Each of us has a secret, and that secret can only be shared with one person, and really, only one person would be able to understand and fully appreciate the secret of our love. I cannot wait until the day that I find the person that I can just look into her eyes and get lost there. I cannot wait until I find the girl that I'll find it hard to be apart from her, I cannot wait until I find the girl that compliments my soul and understands the depths of the secret of my love. Until that day comes though, all I can do is wait and be patient.

Here

Come to the waters, you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed:

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from
His hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Cuz love is here.

Come to the treasure, you who search and you'll search no more.
Come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more, no.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed,

Yeah:

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from his hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.

Yeah

And to the bruised and fallen,
Captives, bound, and broken hearted.

He is the lord
He is the lord,
Yeah

By his stripes he's paid our ransom
From his wounds we drink salvation

He is the lord
He is the lord

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from his hands, from his brows.
Love is near,
It satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Cuz love is here
Love is here.

I went to the Life Teen mass at St. Tim's tonight and it was... everything I needed. This song was sang during mass and the lyrics were just so powerful and really hit my heart where I was at, so I immediately came back home and found this song and bought it. When you read the lyrics you see that it's all about resting in the love of God.

Think about that for a second...

Resting in the love of God.

As I was praying along with the mass, something incredible hit me, what the song was proclaiming "Love is here, love is now" was truly what was happening. I mean, think about it, we read in 1 John 5:8, "God is love." He was there, He was present at that exact moment in time. It was my job as the Christian participating in the sacrifice of the mass to rest in God's love, His presence, His overwhelming mercy. What I love about the song is that it hits on the fact that sometimes I think as Christians we forget about, He is everything we need. Come to the water, we will thirst no more, come to the Father and we will work no more, come to the treasure, and we'll search no more. Nothing can top God. Period. He is everything we need, Love is here.

"The present moment is when time touches eternity." -C.S. Lewis

If Love is here, if Love is now, how does that change our perception of our lives? Each moment, God is with us, Love is with us, and He is most especially with is in the Eucharist. This love is supposed to overrun and overtake our lives. Why do we not rest in the love of our God? Why do we not just let go and... let God take a hold of our hearts? When we aren't entangled within this love, something is missing, we are the only creatures that need something outside of ourselves to complete ourselves. George MacDonald said once:

He that is made in the image of God must know Him or be desolate...Witness the dissatisfaction, yea, the desolation of my soul–wretched, alone, unfinished, without Him. It cannot act from itself, save in God; acting from what seems itself without God, is no action at all, it is a mere yielding to impulse. All within is disorder and spasm. There is a cry behind me, and a voice before; instincts of betterment tell me I must rise above my present self–perhaps even above all my possible self; I see not how to obey, how to carry them out! I am shut up in a world of consciousness, an unknown I in an unknown world: surely this world of my unwilled, unchosen, compelled existence, cannot be shut out from Him, cannot be unknown to Him, cannot be impenetrable, impermeable, unpresent to Him from whom I am?


We must know Him. We must know His love, we must rest in it because if not, everything will seem a pointless, scattered, chaotic mess. People don't let God in and wonder why things don't make sense and why everything hurts. We need to love, to rest in His Love. He alone satisfies. His love is here, His love is now, it's pouring from His hands and from His brow, it satisfies, will you trust and rest in His ocean of love?

Stand

The following message came to Jeremiah from the LORD:
Stand at the gate of the house of the LORD,
and there proclaim this message:
Hear the word of the LORD, all you of Judah
who enter these gates to worship the LORD!
Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel:
Reform your ways and your deeds,
so that I may remain with you in this place.
Put not your trust in the deceitful words:
“This is the temple of the LORD!
The temple of the LORD! The temple of the LORD!”
Only if you thoroughly reform your ways and your deeds;
if each of you deals justly with his neighbor;
if you no longer oppress the resident alien,
the orphan, and the widow;
if you no longer shed innocent blood in this place,
or follow strange gods to your own harm,
will I remain with you in this place,
in the land I gave your fathers long ago and forever.

But here you are, putting your trust in deceitful words to your own loss!
Are you to steal and murder, commit adultery and perjury,
burn incense to Baal,
go after strange gods that you know not,
and yet come to stand before me
in this house which bears my name, and say:
“We are safe; we can commit all these abominations again”?
Has this house which bears my name
become in your eyes a den of thieves?
I too see what is being done, says the LORD.

-Jeremiah 7:1-11

This was the reading from the Old Testament on Saturday when we had our mass at the end of summer retreat. Fr. Kevin Augustyne gave this incredible homily about this passage and it really struck a chord with me. He said that today, the Church is experiencing very much what Jeremiah was preaching against, saying in vain "the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord" and leaving it at that. The Church is dying for a renewal, the time has come, she's waiting. He went on to say that we who have been blessed with incredible education in the truth of the faith and have had incredible experiences like FOCUS or Totus Tuus or NET or Life Teen need to stand at the gates. We are obliged to be the ones to bring the renewal that the Church is dying for. There are too many Catholics who are just going through the motions, and it's time to renew what has been suffering for so long. Don't be afraid to stand at the gates and proclaim the truth, shake things up, be courageous, use words, do whatever is necessary to get the point across to those who have not had the opportunities that we have had.

Taken

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

This song, "Sweetly Broken" aptly describes my summer experience. Time after time this summer, God has chosen to break me and shatter me into pieces. This past week, I gave the introduction talk to the middle school and high schoolers and I had planned nothing at all for this talk, and I truly feel like the Holy Spirit took ahold of that talk and just used me as a tool. The thing that I remember from the talk was that I said something to the effect that we can choose to be clay in the hands of the potter and let Him form and fashion us, but, that comes at a price. I went on and talked about how Henri Nouwen notes that our lives are meant to be a mirror of the Eucharistic prayer. That is to say: we are taken, God has us here on earth for a reason, just like the bread is taken; we are blessed, God made us His own and poured out His blessings upon us at Baptism, just like the priest blesses the bread during the Eucharistic prayer; we are broken, God gives us trials and tribulations to break and shatter us, just like the priest breaks the Body of our Lord under the appearances of bread; we are given, it is in our brokenness that we can share ourselves with others and point them towards the saving truth of the Gospel, just like how the Eucharist is given only after it has been broken.

Throughout this summer, I've learned one thing for certain it is in being broken, we become more human. What I mean to say is, being shattered and humbled brings us to the truth of who we are: that is, "You are dirt, and to dirt you shall return (Genesis 3:19)." So in a way, being broken takes on a certain sweetness, when it is seen in this light. He is beckoning us to the cross, to humility. He is calling us because, "he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:8)." There were times that I came face to face with the real fact that I am human and I am a fallen person who needs God's mercy and love every single day. Some mornings I woke up and simply prayed to God, "I simply cannot do this any more, God, I can't, what the hell am I doing here?" My limitations were laid out in very plain sight, not only to myself, but to the rest of my team as well. God has taken me and broken me this summer, however painful it may be, I know that ultimately it is sweet because it's becoming in touch with my failings and weaknesses that I can become more human. My brokenness advances my ability to give myself to others because God working in and through my brokenness might be enough to possibly touch someone's heart. The experiences I've gained through Totus Tuus have had a huge impact on me and this will surely be a summer that I will never forget, and I've come to thank God for making me... sweetly broken.

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Somewhere

I can't be
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real just a dream

One thing that Totus Tuus has done is it has bent me in ways that I would never expected to be bent before. Not only do I have to deal with the trials and crosses of team life, but I also have to deal with the never-ending energy of grade schoolers. I put in around 14 hour days Monday through Friday and really only get a couple of solid afternoons off (Saturday and Sunday) which is barely enough to really re-energize me. Don't get me wrong, I love Totus Tuus, I think it's an excellent program that has a lot of great things going for it, but, it is very, very exhausting. However, I am in this weird state that I feel like I am truly "Somewhere in Between." What I mean by that is, I'm caught up between my loves and the things that I absolutely hate, I'm caught between the things that excite me and the things that bore me out of my mind.

So, there's this weird middle ground that I happen to find myself in right now. I'm spiritually, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, but I'm ready to give more when needed. The simple fact of the matter is, I have nothing left to give, and so a lot of my prayer has been recently like the bold part of the song:

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

I wonder if God will catch me if I fall out of what I've fallen into, because there are days that I just don't want to do what I've wrangled my way into for this summer, and I just want to say to the Lord, "Don't be surprised if I collapse down at Your feet again." This weird place, where "I don't want to run away from this" meets "I know that I just don't need this." I guess the glory of it all is that because I have nothing left to give, that's when God can step in and take things from there. Some of the most powerful experiences I've had so far this summer have been during times that I've felt completely spent and not able to give anything more, it's invigorating, but frustrating at the same time. My body aches most days, I never get enough sleep, and some of the children are undisciplined little brats... but... each passing day assures me of two things: I want to be a youth minister; and I want to be a husband and father. It's crazy, it's here, in this somewhere in between that God meets me and moves me and bends me in all manner of new and interesting directions.

Don't be surprised if I collapse down at Your feet again.

Learning

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

This past couple weeks I've had to go to two mountain parishes in a row. When you're over 7000 ft. up, you really do come to realize how important breathing is. The higher the elevation, the less oxygen there is to breathe, so the farther up the mountain you go, the harder and harder it becomes to breathe. I found myself gasping for air as we were driving from an elevation of 7415 ft to 8350 ft. As I was sitting in the back seat of the crammed '91 Toyota Corolla, this song came on the CD we were listening to. It all just kind of hit me at once how incredible these lyrics really are.

When you get higher up you really do have to teach yourself how to breathe again, so, in that sense, the farther up the mountain you are, you are learning to breathe. This posed a deep parallel to me. We often refer to our walk with God as "climbing the holy mountain" and the closer we get to the top, the harder it is to breathe, we have to learn to trust God all over again and just crawl. I just thought this was such a neat parallel, because, when you're in the mountains the skies are endless, and it is harder to breathe, and you get so wiped out so quickly you just want to crawl. This paradox is amazing, the closer we become to God, the more helpless we become, and yet, the more free we become as well, the skies become more abundant, and it's harder to breathe, but, it's so worth it.

Fatherhood

I went to the Sri's house for dinner tonight (that is, Dr. Sri) and I was just absolutely blown away, absolutely blown away by how incredible that family is. Their youngest son, Charlie, was absolutely one of the cutest children I have ever seen. He was so mild mannered, and his temperament was astounding for a 1 and a half year old. As I was watching Dr. Sri interact with his kids and saw the great love he had for them, I thought of what Dr. Rziha said in Christian Moral Life, "When discerning your vocation, you have to decide what option you are going to love more than the others, and you have to experience and look at all the options and see what you choose to love more." As great as this summer has been for me, I think the way that it's come to help me the most so far is that its put me in touch with some not-so-great families, and some rock-solid families that just amaze me. Also, as much as I love my teammates, this one teammate of mine (Tim) is a seminarian and he drives me crazy sometimes. So, as each passing host family comes and goes, and each trying encounter with Tim comes and goes, it helps to put into perspective what exactly is going on.

I do not think that the Lord is calling me to the priesthood, that's it. My heart yearns and aches whenever I'm in the presence of these incredible families and it just brings me back to when I first think God was really putting on my heart the idea of a family. Last summer, my good friend Amanda came out to Phoenix to spend a couple days with me, and we went over to my old youth minister's house. As we entered into the house, you could feel this overwhelming presence of love. The love between he and his wife was like the love between two best friends, watching and seeing how they interacted, you could tell that each married their best friend. Then, seeing the love that he has for his children just was so moving to me, it was the loving, but stern, father. Everytime I'm around that, my heart yearns for it, and I just can't imagine the idea of these desires being placed upon my heart for naught.

Loud

When we sing
Hear our songs to You
When we dance
Feel us move to You
When we laugh
Fill our smiles with You
When we lift our voices
Louder still
Can You hear us?
Can You feel?

We love You, Lord
We love You
We love You
We love You, Lord
We love You
We love You

When we sing loud
Hear our songs to You
When we dance ‘round
Feel us move to You
When we laugh aloud
Fill our smiles with You
When we lift our voices
Louder still
Can You hear us?
Can You feel?

And our love is big
Our love is loud
Fill this place (fill our lungs)
With this love now (to sing it now)

We lift our voices louder still
Our God is near
Our God is here

This song, "Our Love is Loud" by David Crowder is a staple for pretty much any praise and worship session anyone has ever been to, at least, it has been in my experience. The lines that catch me goes, "And our love is big, our love is loud" what does that really mean?

What if our love was big? What if our love was loud? How would our lives and the lives of those around us change? It's one thing to say that "we love You, Lord" in a praise and worship setting, but, does that attitude of praise and thanksgiving transmit to every part of our lives? Our love should be so loud that people have to pay attention, it is inclusive! They will know that we are Christians by our love, right? That love has to be loud. It has to, it has to be the one clear note to cut through all the static and mess of the world. Without our love being loud, what is it? Just another empty sound added to the endless cling and clatter. St. Paul said, "If I speak in human and angelic tongues, but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing symbol (1 Corinthians 13:1)." An empty sound! If our love is big, and our love is loud, then we need to fill this place with this love now. I have been so blessed to be able to partake in Totus Tuus because all that I've had to do, is just... love. Love the kids, love the parents, love the parishes, love the host families, love my teammates, love until I have nothing left to give... but... it's made my love loud. With a love this big, a love this loud, it's time to fill this place with this love now.

Waste

How often is it that we just think that we "waste time?" I was thinking about this a lot yesterday, let me lay out my day. I woke up at 7:30 am to a phone call from my friend Sarah, I had plans to go out to Longmont, Colorado (which is an hour away from Littleton, where I'm staying currently) for breakfast with her and our other friend Emily. When I was talking with Sarah about setting up a time for us to all get together she asked me, "Does it matter when we meet?" and I explained to her, "No, not really, because, I just need to waste time that day until Ryan comes home from work." At the time, I didn't really think too much about the phrase, "waste time." I went out to Longmont to meet Sarah and Emily for breakfast. It was a nice drive out there, and during that drive I was thinking to myself, "Can I really consider this hour long drive as a waste of time?" The more I thought about it, the more that I began to come to the conclusion that, "No, I cannot." This was where my thoughts became entangled with the idea of "wasting time."

At any rate, I got to the restaurant and had a good time with the ladies, then I went to a local car dealership and spent like an hour there just test-driving cars and acting as if I was actually going to buy one (ha ha, so much fun). After that excursion, I found myself a Borders and just went and looked at books for like the next hour and a half to two hours, when I finally decided upon which book I wanted to buy, I left the bookstore and had a 30 minute conversation with my good friend Amy from high school. I got myself some lunch, and found a nice place to just sit and read some more of the book I had just purchased. The whole entire time that I was just slowing down and enjoying the day I thought to myself, "It's okay, I've got time." So my thoughts began to grow even more on this idea of "wasting time."

What I was eventually forced to ask myself was this: is there really such a thing as wasting time? I mean, every moment in time is driving us towards something, towards an ultimate end. Just like my hour long drive from Littleton to Longmont wasn't a waste of time because it had a purpose, it had an end, so it is with the rest of our lives really. Moments in time carry these rich experiences and they all point us towards something. Even those moments that we think are just huge wastes of time are important and invaluable, you just need to look at it in a different light. You're stuck in a traffic jam on your way to an important meeting, is this a waste of time? or is this just an opportunity to grow in patience? You take a wrong turn and find yourself in the mountains when you're trying to get to your friend's house, is this a waste of time? or is this a way to teach you to plan ahead and actually read directions more carefully? Simply because we have these experiences they help to make up who we are, every moment is an instance to move one step closer towards becoming the person we want to be. There's this song that I absolutely love, and some of the lyrics go like this:

Stand where you are,
We let all these moments pass us by.

Maybe if we step back and just stand where we are, we'd really come to understand that these moments that we take for granted as a "waste of time" are the pieces of our lives that make us who we are. I don't want those moments to pass me by anymore...I want to live for the moment and get caught up in the glory of the fact that God's grace is reaching me and is changing me and bringing me closer to Him with each passing moment.

Change

"Change me, Lord, and I will change my world."

I stand before the beginning of a summer that I know is just going to rock me to the core. Totus Tuus is just going to be such an awesome experience but the fact of the matter is, I'm scared. I know that a lot of my ways of viewing the Church are just going to be completely annihilated, I'm not in the safe "Benedictine Bubble" or even the safer "Life Teen circle." I'm just going to be changed so much and I know that that is what's taking away all of my sense of control, because I have none, this change is coming on quick and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it at all. As much as this is a scary prospect and I'm not excited about being away from family and friends at home until the end of July, I know that God's going to do good things with me through this experience. What lies ahead? I have no idea, but, what I do know is that if God changes me, then, I will be His instrument to change the world.

Cinderella

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She will be gone

Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

I've said for the longest time, "I only want to have boys, I just don't want to have girls when I'm a father, because, I would be that overbearing, ridiculous father that brandishes the shot-gun whenever a boy comes to the house." While the second part is still very much true, I will be that overbearing ridiculous father, I think I may be re-thinking the first part. I turned on the radio today while I was moving my car to keep packing up the last minute things (fun, fun, fun) this song came on. I was automatically caught up in this song and it even choked me up a little bit.

There was one time I was talking with my grandmother and she asked me, "What do you want to have when you're married and have children." This kind of took me off guard, but I responded honestly to my grandmother, "Grandma, I just want boys, I don't want to deal with girls, they'd be too much for me to handle." She just looked over at me and responded, "You would be blessed to have girls." And while at the time I just remained silent and disagreed with my grandmother, something just kinda clicked today. This incredible song by Steven Curtis Chapman just really hit a part of me that I wasn't even aware of...

I just want to have a baby girl. I want to hold her and smile at her and just look into her eyes and just know that someday some boy will be lucky enough to have her, but he will never love her as much as I will. I want to be able to dance with a baby girl and just let her tiny hand wrap itself around my fingers, I want to sing over her, I want to be the father that she will want and need and love more than anything else in the world. I want her to be a daddy's girl. I just want to giggle with her. I want to never pass up on an opportunity to remind her how beautiful she is and tell her how much her daddy loves her... I want it so bad.