Limits

"Everyone's invincible,
But it's just pretend."

Today God reminded me of my limitations in a real, physical way. I was offered the opportunity to climb the Sandia peak with several people, one of which happened to be the lady who's caught my attention. We maybe made it about 3 miles up this peak, and I simply hit a wall, my stomach felt nauseous, I was gasping for breath and I was reminded of my very limited physical capacity. While everyone else was ready to keep pushing ahead and fly up to the top of the peak, I had to stop, I had to turn around, and I had to go back down the mountain. My heart hurt, and since this experience I've been second-guessing myself all day. Ashley stopped and was walking with me for a while, super slow for her, and she just kept asking me, "Are you alright?" and eventually I had to laugh and say to her, "I guess now you've seen my limitations." She looked at me, smiled and said, "I didn't think you had any limitations," which I believe she tried to make sound uplifting, but at the time I could not accept it.

These ideas have been shooting around my head all afternoon, "Am I not good enough for her," "What did she think of my lack of physical prowess," and "I always knew this was what would keep me from being with someone." These thoughts echoed through my mind this afternoon, but then the other half of me was saying, "We all break the same," "No one is perfect," and "She couldn't be that shallow." Yet, it proved and showed me in some real way that I can't completely explain, that if I'm going to legitimately pursue this woman I need more than just my own natural dispositions and powers, but I need the hand of God to just strengthen my mind, heart and body. If I'm going to really pursue my vocation, in whatever capacity, then the devil is going to do all that he can to stop it, and I need to invite God to just be a part of this all, not in an over-spiritualized fashion, but as a general invitation to all of my life, not just most of it. My limitations are very real, they are very easily acknowledged, but the beauty is that we all break the same and God will meet us in the brokenness.

Tea

Tonight, I had the best date of my life. It was fantastic, my mind is running at a million miles an hour, buzzing with excitement and enamored with my state of life right now. She is engaging, beautiful and a great person to spend an evening with. We went to a small tea shop, engaged in fantastic conversation and we were genuinely happy with each other. During the date I couldn't help but think, "This is what dating is supposed to be like." The way back to her house we sang together, yes, sang together in the car. It was such a great date, and I think the best part of it was that she gave me the green light to move ahead and shoot for another date. Thank God for His goodness.

Story

I watched "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" tonight mainly because I have a free month of netflix and because I was intrigued by the fact that this was Heath Ledger's very last movie. The movie itself is incredibly whimsical and artsy, yet it touched on something that captured my thoughts and I just needed to write about it.

The movie, in a nutshell, is centered around the person of Dr. Parnassus and the deal he made with the devil for immortality. As Dr. Parnassus is starting the story of this deal with the devil, he narrates that he was a monk (granted a Buddhist monk, but a monk nonetheless) and their monastery was committed to "telling the story" of the world. When the devil arrives to offer his deal to Dr. Parnassus, Dr. Parnassus insists that he cannot leave his monastery because if he and his monks were to stop "telling the story" then the world would cease to exist, it would literally fall apart. The devil tries to prove the exact opposite of this assertion that Dr. Parnassus and the rest of the monks are so committed to, and he silences them all, so none are "telling the story" any longer. As the monks are all silenced and no longer are telling the story, the devil stands up and looks around and notes, "See? We're all still here, the wind is still blowing outside, the snow is still falling, and no one is telling the story." That moment in the movie really hit me hard and I was so caught up on that one idea that I couldn't really focus on the rest of the movie.

The monks in the movie were so invested in "telling the story" that they could imagine nothing worse than the story not being told, the very fabric of the universe would become unraveled if this story was not told. The devil tries to undermine this, and proves otherwise. Isn't that an interesting idea? How many Christians are really sold out, truly invested in "telling the story" of our salvation? The story of who we are as human beings? The story of how we are to become complete? The story of salvation history is not something that merely resides within the pages of the Bible, we, here, right now are the story, we play as big of a role as the greatest characters of the Bible. We are the story, our lives are meant to be not only a testament and a "telling" of the history of salvation as a whole, but more importantly, our lives are meant to play an active role in that story, a story that ignites the soul and changes lives. The devil, in a very real way, is trying to convince us that not "telling the story" means that nothing changes. The wind will still blow, the sun will still shine, "nothing changes" if we're not "telling the story." That was the "proof" that Dr. Parnassus fell for in the movie, that was what convinced him to make a deal with the devil. After watching that movie and mulling over it all I can't help but wonder if we're in the exact same place as Dr. Parnassus? How often do we just not "tell the story" of salvation, or not live out the story as we could? Whether it be through sin, or through consciously choosing to not be bold for the gospel, or maybe even just through not spending time with the Divine Author to decide the next chapter of the story, we too have fallen for that exact same lie.

Nothing changes if we don't tell the story. Sure, the sun will still rise, the tide will still clash along the shoreline, but can we really say that not telling our story doesn't unravel the very fabric of life itself? If we're not telling the story, if we're not living and continuing the story are we really living or are we just existing? The gospel is dead-on about this, "I came so that they may have life and have it more abundantly," the Lord says in John's gospel. If we're not living and telling the story, then we're not fulfilling all that we could be, we're not changing and engaging the world as we should, so we are mere shadows of who we could really be. How often when I'm weighed down by sin or by doubt about God's designs can I say, "I'm living life more abundantly?" Never. In our unraveling, we are unraveling the world around us as well, if we're not sharing and loving and telling the story through our lives, then we're hanging all those around us who don't know the story out to dry. "Nothing changes" if the story isn't told, except the very essence of who we are. Our silence, both in word and action, ruins the very existence that God intends for us. Quite simply, if we are not "telling the story" we are not really living, we are merely taking up time and space.

Dance

So, I finally did it, after two or three weeks of "testing the waters" and trying to establish where I was at, I finally asked her out. It was fantastic and invigorating. She is the most captivating woman I've ever met in my life, hands down, no questions asked. A little over two months ago I wouldn't believe what I'm saying, but, God knew, He absolutely knew, why He wanted me out here. If I had not come to New Mexico, I would not have met her, I would not have ever had any knowledge that she even existed. She loves dancing (praise God!) and so I asked her out to dancing. As I was reflecting on the glory of finally going on a date with someone who is genuinely interested in me, I was thinking about dancing and how beautiful it is.

Two weeks ago after Life Teen was over, I went to her and started waltzing with her. It was the most fantastic feeling, holding her in my arms and moving the the music that wasn't even there. I was at the balloon fiesta looking for her, she found me, wrapped her arms around me tightly, and in that moment in time, much like when I was waltzing with her, I felt so satisfied, so happy, even downright complete. My heart moved to the rhythm of her touch, just having our arms wrapped around each other was a moment, I don't think I've ever felt more captivated. I look forward to dancing with her again, and hopefully, again and again after that.