Chase

"Every time I see your face,

My heart takes off on a high speed chase,

Don't be scared, it's only love that we're falling in,

I would never do you wrong,

Or let you down,

Or lead you on,

Don't look down, it's only love, baby that we're falling in"

While I was at home over spring break, there were a few things that became painfully clear to me. Some of them were simple things like, I don't think I can live at home with my parents for an extended period of time any longer, or that I still have a deep passion for youth ministry. Other things were a little bit more intense and in fact, they were down right scary. 

As much as my mind may be screaming for me to "re-think things" or "change my perceptions," the fact of the matter is that I can't deny my feelings any longer. It seemed that this girl took up so much of my "brain space." I would catch my mind wandering and thinking about how she was doing, or think about how difficult it was to not see her for this short break. For the first time in my life, as I considered all of the options that lie before me as I come closer to graduation, I was completely at peace with not going back to Phoenix. Not only that, but I had a desire to leave Phoenix and follow this girl wherever she may go. Am I crazy?  Possibly. Does the way my heart feels make sense? No, but when do things like this really make sense?

I was talking with Dana about all that was shooting through my mind over break, and she smiled and said to me simply, "You're crazy for this girl aren't you?" I guess it's true, the fact of the matter is that I'm going off of little to no gumption from her that pursuing her will lead to anything, but I can't just write everything off. When she looks at me, when I catch of glimpse of those eyes, my heart jumps into my throat and beats a million miles an hour, I feel like I stumble over my words, and I get so nervous. If I was to be completely honest and vulnerable with myself I'd have to admit to the fact that I just want to fall in love with this girl. What is the matter with me? This is the best, worst feeling I've ever had. 

The best things in life are worth fighting for right? I mean, what if I want to fight for this? I think that I owe it to both of us that I do... all that I want is to sweep her off her feet, completely. I want to fight for her love, I want to expend myself as far as I possibly can. What I do know for sure is that every time that I see her face, my heart just shoots off, I want to do whatever is within my power to win her love. Don't look down, just jump, trust that God's going to catch this.

Leading

"For God is leading Israel in joy

by the light of his glory,

with his mercy and justice for company."

 -Baruch 5:9

My old youth minister, Ike, is a large man with a deep joy that spills out into his fantastic, hardy laughs. Fr. Meinrad is a big priest that hums and jokes because of the excessive joy that flows through his life. Dr. B-W is an upbeat, loving man whose joy shines through his smiles. God has blessed me with many examples of how the joy of the Lord is key to living a fulfilling life.

What does it mean to lead your life following the joy of the Lord? God gives us so much to be joyful about, sometimes I just choose not to see it. The life of a Christian should be nothing more than a life of joy. The passage from Baruch says that God leads His people in joy by the light of His glory. His glory is the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit wishes to pour fourth His joy in abundance. What makes Ike, Fr. Meinrad and Dr. B-W so joyful? The movement of the Holy Spirit in their lives. There is something to be joyful about every moment of our existence. God's unceasing, immeasurable love is chocked into every instant of our lives. What does it mean to live in the joy of the Lord? It means allowing the reality of His love to permeate all that we are.

I'm also truly moved by the part of the verse that says that God's justice and mercy accompany the leading of the Lord's people. Studying grace and predestination has led me to despair at times, but this passage shows how God's justice and mercy are things to be joyful about, in the light of His Glory, the Holy Spirit. What it ultimately concerns is knowing that even if we don't completely understand the will of God, we can take hope in the fact that He does.

Ike lives his life by letting the joy of the Lord lead his way. Fr. Meinrad is always joyful because the Glory of the Lord fills every instant of his life. Dr. B-W delights in God because He trusts in His will and in His justice and mercy. My only prayer is that the Lord will lead my life in the way of joy, by the light of His Glory, with His justice and mercy as company.

Dawn

I won't fear the night,

Because You promised me the dawn,

Grace has taken me,

And I'm falling into Your arms,

Redemption wakens me,

And I rise from my sleep,

At last Your Glory shines in me,

Now my soul can live

I love Ike's song, "Falling Into You." I am just so moved by the simplicity and how profound it truly is. The very first lyrics, "I won't fear the night, because you promised me the dawn" sends shivers down my spine every time I listen to it. 

Things seem so dark sometimes, don't they? There are just instances in life, whether it be by our own choosing or by some other design that we just don't know what's going on. There are just times that I at least feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark. Right now, it seems like things are really confusing, I don't even understand my own heart and I can't make heads nor tails of my emotions. It is almost like I'm in a darkness, a darkness that limits my understanding and I think that more than anything else is what terrifies me. This feeling of not being in control and like I'm falling head over heels against my better judgment simply doesn't make sense to me. This darkness is here, it's ominous.

David, an awesome youth minister from my diocese had as his status the other day on facebook," God is faithful... even when we have no idea what He is up to." That alone comforts me as I face all this that lays before me. I ultimately need to let go and sometimes just trust. Trust, trust, trust! Jason said to me, and I always come back to this because I love the idea of it so much, "Sometimes you just have to jump and trust that God is going to catch you." I really feel like Ike's song touches on that very idea. The idea of falling into the grace of God alone, trusting in His presence and love. Even when things seem to be dark and confusing, there is nothing to fear because, ultimately, God has promised me the dawn. When His glory, His grace, fulfills every part of my soul, then I will truly be able to be alive.

That's the dawn.