Somewhere

I can't be
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real just a dream

One thing that Totus Tuus has done is it has bent me in ways that I would never expected to be bent before. Not only do I have to deal with the trials and crosses of team life, but I also have to deal with the never-ending energy of grade schoolers. I put in around 14 hour days Monday through Friday and really only get a couple of solid afternoons off (Saturday and Sunday) which is barely enough to really re-energize me. Don't get me wrong, I love Totus Tuus, I think it's an excellent program that has a lot of great things going for it, but, it is very, very exhausting. However, I am in this weird state that I feel like I am truly "Somewhere in Between." What I mean by that is, I'm caught up between my loves and the things that I absolutely hate, I'm caught between the things that excite me and the things that bore me out of my mind.

So, there's this weird middle ground that I happen to find myself in right now. I'm spiritually, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, but I'm ready to give more when needed. The simple fact of the matter is, I have nothing left to give, and so a lot of my prayer has been recently like the bold part of the song:

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

I wonder if God will catch me if I fall out of what I've fallen into, because there are days that I just don't want to do what I've wrangled my way into for this summer, and I just want to say to the Lord, "Don't be surprised if I collapse down at Your feet again." This weird place, where "I don't want to run away from this" meets "I know that I just don't need this." I guess the glory of it all is that because I have nothing left to give, that's when God can step in and take things from there. Some of the most powerful experiences I've had so far this summer have been during times that I've felt completely spent and not able to give anything more, it's invigorating, but frustrating at the same time. My body aches most days, I never get enough sleep, and some of the children are undisciplined little brats... but... each passing day assures me of two things: I want to be a youth minister; and I want to be a husband and father. It's crazy, it's here, in this somewhere in between that God meets me and moves me and bends me in all manner of new and interesting directions.

Don't be surprised if I collapse down at Your feet again.