Fall

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." -Hebrews 10:31

St. Paul says to the Hebrews that it's a fearful thing to fall into the hands of God, isn't that counter-intuitive? I mean, sometimes I know I just want to fall into the hands of God and just let Him be in charge of everything and take control. Even this, though, is a fearful thing. When you fall into the hands of the living God, you can't go back, you can no longer be the same person you were, it implies a change. Who knows what that change may be? It's different for each person I suppose. Maybe it's that we need to change our perception of the world, how we see the people around us. Maybe we need to change how we see ourselves. It's hard to let go of those things that we cling onto so hard.

When you fall into the hands of the living God, you need to realize that your life is not your own anymore. He'll lead you to places that are uncomfortable, hard, and will push the limits of what you can't even fathom yourself to be capable of. It's a fearful thing, there's a lot at stake here, we have seemingly everything to lose... but at the same time, we also have everything to gain.


Jeremiah was led by the Lord to the house of a potter where the Lord then told Jeremiah that just as the clay is formed in the hands of the potter, so are the people in his hands. I don't know if you've ever thrown pottery or not, but it's not a pretty process. First you take a clump of clay and literally throw it onto the center of the wheel, from there you cover it in water so that it becomes moldable. From there you thrust your hands into the center of the clay and begin to make an indent, from there you push the sides of the indent and continue to make the crevasse in the center of the piece deeper. You cut the excess clay off with a picking tool and then when it's done you throw it into the fire, after the first fire you glaze it and throw it into the fire again. Think about applying this sequence of events to our hearts. How docile do we need to be? How open do we need to be? How scary is the prospect of having ourselves thrown into some circumstance hard and from there to only have a hole made in our hearts, and then to feel the burn of pain, once, twice, maybe even three times! It is fearful to fall into the hands of God. How scary, how humbling, how liberating! Clay in the hands of the potter.

Simple

"There is only one thing to live for: love. There is only one unhappiness: not to love God. That is what pains me on these days of recollection, to see my own soul so full of movement and shadows and vanities, cross-currents of dry wind stirring up the dust and rubbish of desire. I don't expect to avoid this humiliation in my life, but when will I become cleaner, more simple, more loving?" -Thomas Merton

Why do I allow myself to make things so complicated? I look at situations and relationships surrounding me and I always wonder what the real "agenda" is. Do these people really care for me or are they just humoring me because they feel sorry for me? Is there any truth left in the world? These completely unfounded questions occasionally come to mind and shortly after they enter my consciousness I have to ask the questions, "Why am I even asking these things?"

There is only one thing that matters, love. Love. It seems like such a cliché, but it's true. Why do we get caught up in thinking that there's more? Love is what keeps us going, it's what makes things worth while, it's what gives meaning to everything, nothing would make sense if there was no love. That being said, why can't my love just be simple?

Simplicity is something that I think deep-down we all value. How often do we wish we could go back to the days when things "were simpler" or "less complicated?" I think what I'm beginning to realize is that we make things complicated, we bring it upon ourselves. Love is not complicated, love is simple, because, love is just...give. I have been caught up in this idea of simplicity the past couple of days. Every year at my parish back home we sing "The Love of God" during our celebration of Holy Thursday. A while back, Tom Booth changed the words a little bit and added to the incredible job that Rich Mullins had started, he wrote another verse that goes:

"If our love could just be simple, we could take Him at His word, then our lives would be thanksgiving, and we'd kneel and wash and serve."

If our love could just be simple. If we just simply loved God, how different would our lives be? If we simply loved God then we would just be satisfied knowing that He is God and we are not, and despite this fact, He loves us unconditionally. If that were the case, we would just know, and we would just not want anything more. If we just simply loved each other, how would our perception of others change? Would we see others for "What can I get out of them?" Probably not. If we could just give, give, give our love without restraint...things would be so much simpler. But, unfortunately, that is not the world we live in, people are broken, scared, and selfish. We live in a world where it's not practical to just love without restraint, because then you end up getting hurt. What a shame, but, I know that doesn't have to be the case. If you look at the lives of the saints, they are remembered because they dared to do what no one else felt capable of doing, they just loved, simply.

Panacea

Here we are
Here we are
The broken and used
Mistreated, abused
Here we are

Here You are
Here You are
The beautiful one
Who came like a Son
Here You are

So we lift up our voices
We open our hands
To cling to the love
That we can’t comprehend

Oh, lift up your voices
And lift up your heads
To sing of the love
That has freed us from sin

He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who embraced us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He’s the remedy

Here we are
Here we are
Bandaged and bruised
Awaiting a cure
Here we are

Here You are
Here You are
Our beautiful King
Bringing relief
Here You are with us

So we lift up our voices
And open our hands
Let go of the things
That have kept us from Him

He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who forgave us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He’s the remedy


Oh, I can’t comprehend
I can’t take it all in
Never understand
Such perfect love come
For the broken and beat
For the wounded and weak
Oh, come fall at His feet
He’s the remedy
He’s the remedy

So sing, sing

You are the one
Who has saved us
You are the one
Who forgave us
You are the one who has come
And is coming again
To make it alright
Oh, to make it alright
You’re the remedy
Oh, in us
You’re the remedy

Let us be the remedy
Let us bring the remedy

Here we are, the broken and used, mistreated abused, and we're completely helpless here. What a phenomenal concept! Just like the blind beggars in the gospels, we're here, abused, broken, and just completely falling apart and how often do we just accept it? How often do we just take the day to day grime and say simply, "That's life?" We're stuck in this darkness and we don't even realize it half the time, yet, here we are. We're in desperate need of a remedy, something to save us. I'm just so entangled in this concept of being broken, bruised, and sick and in dire need of Someone Higher than me to bandage me up and save me.

In John's gospel, Jesus says, "I came so that they may have life and have it more abundantly." -John 10:10. Here He is. He came, saw our desperate need for a Savior and He came here. Can we ever understand His perfect love? Probably not, our view of what true love really is has become so tainted and warped, and yet, He is our remedy. When we love and see through the eyes of Christ, it seems as if, everything is remedied, everything is cleared up, everything takes on a new light. He bandages up our wounds, heals us, and gives us life more abundantly, but what do we do with that? How do we respond to this incredible gift that's been given to us?

"You were called to freedom, brothers. But do not use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh; rather, serve one another through love." -Galatians 5:13

St. Paul lays it out there for us. Our Lord gave us this freedom, he bound up our wounds and has made us whole and now it's our turn to serve one another through love. Yes, our love is supposed to imitate and point towards the ultimate Healer. Through this service to one another, that is how we can show our appreciation for all that has been done for us...

Let us be the remedy...

Refuge

"You are my refuge and shield;
in Your word I hope." -Psalm 119:114

I scream a deep, pain-filled scream into the darkness surrounding me. When I look up, I see nothing; when I'm silent, I hear no words of encouragement; when I feel around me, there is no warm embrace. My entire being is covered by an impenetrable muck that continues to weigh my soul down. It's cold here. My soul is so beaten and broken that I feel like it's lying on the ground, in touch with how truly unimportant it is in the grand scheme. Each breath feels like it brings a fire that is burning through me and is ultimately turning me into ashes. I lie face down, eating the dirt as a reminder that I come from ash, and to ash I will return. Tears roll down my face like the rain that falls from a seemingly endless thunderstorm. Nothing makes sense any longer, how could He leave me here? How could He allow this pain to engulf and suffocate my spirit? What is my purpose? Do I even have a purpose? Would I be better off had I never existed? The endless parade of questions marches at the forefront of my consciousness. Eventually I conclude, "My sorrow is this, the right hand of the Most High has left me" (Psalm 77:11) My broken heart lies shattered in a thousand pieces, I have no gumption to pick myself back up. I begin to drift off to sleep, a sleep that one doesn't awake from...breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out... the ceaseless rhythm is intoxicating. My mind loses grip on consciousness, a cynical smile cracks across my countenance, "The pain will end soon..." and I breathe in what I hope is my last breath, but, then a gentle breeze picks up... A light shines in the distance. I hear a voice, "Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you."(Isaiah 49:15) The chill which had been around me began to fade away into a reviving warmth, the warmth that comforts and consoles you. I feel the pieces of my heart being picked up and molded, like clay in the hands of the potter, so is my heart in the hands of this Presence (Jeremiah 18:6). The muck begins to be washed from me, I feel my soul get lighter. I look up, and my Father looks down into my eyes and says, "In an outburst of wrath, for a moment I hid my face from you; but with enduring love I take pity on you." (Isaiah 54:8) He takes me into His arms and holds me, out of joy and relief I weep. The moments that I had felt as if He had left me seemed to me now as only a bad dream. Nothing has ever been more real than this moment, nothing. His words have consoled and comforted me and have given me refuge from the darkness, they have given me a place of marvelous light.

Nothing

"One thing has suddenly hit me–that nothing counts except love"-Thomas Merton

Nothing counts except love, what a profound statement. This echoes what St. Paul says in his first letter to the Corinthians, "And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." –1 Corinthians 13:2

I guess one could say that the value of our lives is measured not by the clever, intelligent things we say; not by any contribution we've made to the world of science and industry; not by the number of friends we have and not even by the number of people who love us. No, the value of our lives is measured by how much love we give to the people around us. Love is, simply stated, the only reason we exist. Love is this ever-present reality that keeps us breathing, ignites the soul, and gives our hearts a reason to beat. What would happen if one would throw all his cares to the wind and allow himself to be caught up in the ultimately only "real thing" which is love? How would the world change? Love surrounds us, it's more real than tangible fact, more important than any event that may have caused hurt in the past and even more encompassing of us than the very air we breathe. Why are we so afraid? Why do we fight this intrinsic desire deep within us to love and allow ourselves to be loved?

Love is the only thing that matters because, without love, I am... simply nothing.

Surrender

It's all for You
It's all for You
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
My hopes and dreams
Here at Your feet
It's all for You

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea of surrendering everything up to the Lord, it's so hard when we want to keep in control, and yet, at the same time we don't. There's this intense wanting to just "be in the know" of what is going on in our minds and our hearts and to really just be overwhelmingly in control of it all, apart from God. But, even when we want it, there is a part in each one of us that in some corner of the soul just wants to let go. It's this paradox that never ceases to amaze me. I've been caught up on a couple verses for the past few days or so, one being from Proverbs and the other being from Jeremiah, and they paint two very different pictures of our understanding of the heart and the mind.

"In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps." –Proverbs 16:9

I love this verse, simply because it shows the cooperative work that has to be done by both us and God to reach the final end of eternal happiness. My youth minister had said to me once, "God doesn't have this elaborate plan where every aspect of your life if already pre-determined down to the nitty-gritty, rather, God is laying the world out before you and saying, 'here it is, My beloved, choose what you want so that I may bless it." This shows very much our being in control of our free wills and being able to choose the good, whatever good we so desire and God will bless it and make it His.

"More tortuous than all else is the human heart, beyond remedy; who can understand it? I, the LORD, alone probe the mind and test the heart."–Jeremiah 17:9-10

I know that I've written about this verse before, but I'm really caught up in the intensity of what's being said. When we cannot understand even our own minds and our own hearts, God understands!!! This appeals to the child-like part of my soul that comes to my Father with a broken heart and all I can say is, "Please fix it, Daddy..." He does, He takes it, and makes it new. Sometimes I just want to surrender it all and just bring it all to Him and just not worry about it and let my soul be free just to be satisfied with the knowledge that He is taking care of it. This liberation that comes with surrender is so beautiful and so peaceful, but why then do we still fight it so much?

I just want to lay down all my hopes and dreams at His feet and trust that that will be enough in and of itself, but I don't. I just don't. I guess it comes down to the fact that I am human and imperfect, and I can't be everything all the time in all situations, but I take comfort in the fact that whatever I lack, He makes up for. His act of perfect surrender is enough to make up for all of those times that I can't and even refuse to do it. Thank you, Jesus, for all that You have done, I'm letting go... I surrender to You.

Remedy

"More tortuous than all else is the human heart, beyond remedy; who can understand it? I, the LORD, alone probe the mind and test the heart, to reward everyone according to his ways, according to the merit of his deeds." –Jeremiah 17:9-10

A broken heart is a peculiar thing. Jeremiah really hits the nail on the head in this passage, when a heart hurts, who the heck can understand it? It is beyond remedy... but is it really?

I've recently found myself in this weird place in my life, I'm utterly confused about how I feel about relationships and if you were to ask me, "How do you feel about ______, do you think you could date her?" I would have to respond, "Well, come talk to me in another ten minutes and we'll see if I feel the same way I do right now." My heart has been hurting, there is no doubt about it, the one woman that I wanted to just pour all my time and effort into pursuing it just seems as if it simply isn't going to work. I don't even understand what is going on in my own heart, but... God does.

I'm trying to bring my soul to wrap itself around the idea that even though I don't completely understand what is going on even within my own heart, God does. He knows me better than I even know myself, which is just something that is completely and utterly beyond my understanding. This hurt, this confusion is all just something that doesn't phase God, He knows what is on my heart and why it is there and to what end it will reach. The thought of this is just too much for me. I've been getting caught up in the pain and heartache, but, I think I just need to center on the fact that I have a remedy, and His name is Jesus.

A good friend of mine recently suggested to me that I list off things that I'm appreciative for as a way to really re-connect with the good things that life does have to offer...

1. I'm glad that I have friends who are willing to listen to me complain and moan and even respond to my ludicrous objections when they are trying to help me.
2. I'm glad that I went to spring formal this past weekend and had an incredible time.
3. I'm glad that there is such a thing as music, especially music that touches my soul.
4. I'm glad that I had the experience of growing up where I did and that I gained role models like Jason and Mark.
5. I'm glad that God gave us coffee.
6. I'm glad that I know how to thumb my way around a bible and find verses when I need to.
7. I'm glad that Jesus is always present to me in the Eucharist.

Amen, life is good, thanks Melissa.

New

"I will give you a new heart and place a new spirit within you, taking from your bodies your stony hearts and giving you natural hearts." -Ezekiel 36:26

I was talking with a good friend the other night and we discussed heartache and how it fits into "God's All-Loving Plan" for us. What I was struggling with was the idea that God would allow so much pain to come and obliterate my peace and still be used for a greater purpose. My good friend looked at me at one point during this conversation and asked me, "Who is your god?" She continued on and said, "I think that sometimes, especially on this campus, we make relationships our god." It didn't really hit me until tonight though the depth of those words.

In the heartache there is this incredible realization, this is a refining process. It's like a way to prepare me for something greater still yet to come! God is going to give me a new heart out of this heartache and it's going to be able to love and sacrifice even more than it was able to before because if I allow the Holy Spirit to come and renew this and sanctify this heartache, He will make it new. "The one who sat on the throne said, 'Behold, I make all things new.'" -Revelation 21:5

It's like in 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, "We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed, always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in the body (emphasis added)." I can choose to let the heartache be the thing that will drive me to despair, but, why? Not when I know the joy of the Lord, not when I can see that even though I don't understand Him and what He is doing in my own life right now, He is still glorious. Despite all of the horrible things that may seem to be rocking my world and taking the peace from my heart, He is still God and He is still good. I am perplexed, but I will not be driven to despair, that's not what it's all about, this is an opportunity for God to make a new heart in me. This new heart will be able to love Him that much more and will be able to love the one He wants me to be with that much more if I just allow Him to use this pain as a refining fire. So, I close with this...

"Yet he knows my way; if he proved me, I should come forth as gold." –Job 23:10

Wordless

"The need to keep working at meditation–going to the root. Mere passivity won't do at this point. But activism won't do either. A time of wordless deepening to grasp the inner reality of my nothingness in Him Who Is. Talking about it in these terms seems absurd. Seems to have nothing to do with the concrete reality that is to be grasped. My prayer is peace and struggle in silence, to be aware and true, beyond myself and to go outside the door of myself, not because I will it, but because I am called and must respond." –Thomas Merton

Something about what Merton is saying resonates in my soul, there's this eerie sense of wanting to not be passive but also not wanting to be active. Perhaps this is just a matter of simply being. Maybe I'm caught up in the idea of "What do I need to do?" instead of being caught up in the idea of "Who do I need to be?"

There's this strange paradox that comes along with this walk with God. This ever-present balance between being Martha and being Mary, between doing things for God as a prayer and just being with God as a prayer. The line between active and passive is always a little foggy. But there's also an overwhelming battle between taking up a cross of pain and confusion and celebrating a resurrection of healing and clarity.

Where Good Friday meets Easter Sunday; where befuddlement and pain meet understanding and healing; where the darkness of the soul meets the light of His Glory, that's where God is, and that is where He asks the soul seeking Him, "Do you trust Me?" Now the soul must answer it's Maker. This is the internal struggle between seeing the circumstances of the world and knowing the resounding truth of God's love. This is where the soul can choose to fade away from the true light and sink into the false light the world's circumstances offer, or it can choose to trust, choose to have faith, choose to love and step closer and closer to the Source of the glorious, blinding light. My soul stands in the midst of this paradox. The time has come to choose.

Broken (Road)

Time, moves slowly while you're gone
I haven't heard your voice in quite some time
But I still see your face
I cannot erase the things you've done
And all the ways you kept me hangin' on

Now your gone
I've moved on
And I don't feel so sorry
Can't you see I'm bleeding
But I won't bleed anymore
I've held on
For so long now
But I had to let you go
At the end of our broken road

I know, it hurts to hear the truth
Well maybe
I was never meant to be with you
And I cannot replace
The tears of disgrace
That run for you
Cause running from the truth is what you do

Now your gone
I've moved on
And I don't feel so sorry
Can't you see I'm bleeding
But I won't bleed anymore
I've held on
For so long now
But I had to let you go
At the end of our broken road

You were all I've ever known
And I cannot replace all these tears of disgrace
And I won't bleed for you anymore

Now your gone
I've moved on
And I don't feel so sorry
Can't you see I'm bleeding
But I won't bleed anymore
I've held on
For so long now
But I had to let you go
At the end of our broken road

And I won't bleed for you anymore
I've moved on
And I won't bleed for you anymore
I'm bleeding but I won't bleed anymore

I've held on
For so long now
But I had to let you go
At the end of our broken road

I won't bleed for you anymore. I'm done, I'm moving on, this is not a bitter pissed off at you type of a thing, but for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of my soul, I need to let go of you. That's not to say that I've gotten to a point where I'm disgusted by the thought of her, because I'm not, but, I cannot do this to myself anymore, I need to be okay and the only way that something like that is going to happen is by taking three or four steps back. Maybe I was never meant to be with you... maybe I talked myself into something that was just impractical from the very beginning, which is possible, I'm good at stuff like that. We did this weird dance for a while but now I simply need to cut in with somebody else. That's not to say that there's something wrong with you, that's just to say that I need these steps back, for the sake of my sanity. You can make me smile, but damn, you can rip my heart to shreds too, I'm done, God's got this...

I won't bleed anymore, I have to let you go, at the end of our broken road.