"Love is risky" -Rob Bell
It's one in the morning here in New Mexico and as I was trying to slip off into sleep there's just been this part of me that has been unsettled. A thought has continued to buzz back and forth across my subconscious, occasionally bubbling up into my consciousness and finally forcing me to pay attention to it. The thought is simple, it is not difficult to understand, but it is difficult to live out, to practice, to truly implement. The thought is this, "love without reservation." Simple, elegant and tangible, yet at the same time complex, crude and inconceivable. Why do these thoughts continue to plague me? Why is it that I simply cannot get these ideas out of my head, I think it's because God is trying to do something in me, and it is absolutely terrifying.
When I walked away from the business with Ashley, that was truly my heart's intent to walk away and never look back. Months of bitterness, confusion and anguish have melted away into prayers leading me to believe God is not done with that relationship.
What?
Absurd? Yes. Completely fabricated in my own mind? Quite possibly. Yet there are these subtle nudges, gentle whispers in odd circumstances that force me to consider things in a different light. Tiny ways of God moving that continue to tap ever so gently upon my intentions and worldview. I come to God in prayer saying, "I only want Your will" to which I feel He responds, "Even if it means going back to the cross?"
Not necessarily the words I want to hear.
It started months ago, one night Rita and I sat, talked and shared. She turned to me at one point and said, "Do you think there's any chance that things could happen again between you and Ashley?" I responded simply, "I don't know, God would really have to make things very clear for me to know He wanted me to go back to that place." Weeks passed, the spring slipped uneventfully into the summer and I began to get the itch, I wanted out of this place, there was no community that I could see in front of me, I missed the people I loved so dearly, I would have traded my soul if it meant I could leave. Then God used Omair and the song, "Reidi Gul" to change my heart, my mind and help me to see the beauty of the desert. Conference came and went, the thoughts began to creep back into my mind, "Maybe I should try again..."
Try again? After all that hurt? All that pain? All the brokenness that invaded my life?
I dismissed it, "Nonsense, completely ridiculous." Weeks continued their slow, steady march. Then, one Friday morning, I walked out of mass, expecting yet another bout of non-communication between she and I. "John! Wait up," she said to me. We talked, and it wasn't weird, it wasn't riddled with bitterness, it wasn't excruciatingly painful, it was simply real. It was a re-introduction to why I fell so hard for this girl. She expressed pain, loneliness, a lack of community. Suddenly everything that I had been struggling with for the past two months connected. She was going through the exact same thing. I left for Denver, the dreamland that I was hoping to connect with, to truly love and say, "This is where I have peace."
That peace never came.
As beautiful as it was to be up there, as much as I appreciated the time I had there, there was just a simple nagging in my soul saying, "You need to go back home, there's beautiful things waiting for you." I couldn't wrap my mind around it. On the drive down I was reflecting on everything and I began to feel an incredible sense of peace returning there. Exclusive of anything that may be associated with Ashley, I genuinely wanted to be back here. He is doing something I'm simply not privy to yet.
I've been writing a song, not necessarily to perform for anyone, not necessarily for anyone to ever hear. Just a song that if I truly had the gumption, the guts or motivation for, I would sing to her. My father noted my facebook status simply saying that I was trying to write my own song the other night. He asked me, "Are you writing a song for that lady you're missing? Send her a flower, tell her she's missed, see what happens. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want." My dad never shares any advice, he never comments on my love life.
Sometimes you have to fight for what you want? Seriously?
I was re-reading through sex-God tonight, hoping to find something to connect with, to soothe my soul, and to cast out all of these idiotic assertions of trying once again at this same old song-and-dance. I stumbled across this, "Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted." Truer words have never been spoken. I know that pain all too well, and I'm not keen on hopping right back into another almost assured heartache.
Then, I consider St. Joseph. God asked of him some of the most absurd, ridiculous things, but he always did what was asked, even if it hurt him. Marrying Mary, knowing she was pregnant and that he didn't have any hand in that? Packing up his new family and moving to a foreign land? He did what was asked even if it was painful and confusing, because St. Joseph understood that a true love is a crucified love. Love is a truly dangerous wonder. It's what we're made for.
What if God is asking of me to do something I would never do? What if He is asking me to put my heart on the line once again not being assured of the ultimate outcome? What if He's asking me to love and potentially have my love be unrequited once again? How many times have I done that to Him?
Here's to discernment, here's to trying to figure out what God is asking of me, and here's to realizing that nothing in life is guaranteed and that truly, love is risky.
