Letter

Dear Future Spouse,

I can't wait to finally find you. I love you already, even though I haven't officially met you yet. I can't wait to sing and play this for you...

Won't

I promise that this post has nothing to do with valentine's day coming up. I came across this song a little over a month ago, and I was immediately drawn to it. I think Jason Mraz, when he keeps things appropriate, has this way of being able to speak to the soul. Some of the things that this song really hits on just clicks deep within my very being. 

Maybe I'm being selfish, I'll admit it. The thing is though that there is this deep aching, this yearning to have someone specifically for me to love, and to love me the same way. I want to have a woman that I can just stop and be entranced by her gaze, someone to hold, someone to take my breath away, someone to lift me up and, ultimately, someone worth fighting for.

I know that this song seems to be more towards being interpreted as a relationship on rocks, wanting to be fought for, but I think it points to an even deeper reality within the masculine soul. There is a big part of my heart that just wants someone to be able to fight, indeed, to die for if possible. I quite simply want someone to be able to offer myself up for, to lay down my heart for someone that no matter what, I won't give up on. Someday, maybe someday.

Break

Last week I went up to Denver to visit Andrew and to go and see MUTEMATH live. Going to see this band is one of the greatest things I could ever do with time off. The trip was phenomenal, Nate tagged along with me, we went to go to New Belgium, we saw MUTEMATH, enjoyed adult beverages, just a fantastic trip all around. 

There's something about this song that always seems to just hit me hard, square in the chest. I'm coming down with a cold again and throughout the course of the night I have consistently woken up after an hour and a half of sleep. I'm feeling tired, groggy, sick and overwhelmed. There is so much that I have to accomplish and I feel like I'm nowhere near close enough to be able to accomplish it. My heart is heavy, lonely and tired. I look around at my life and I am forced to conclude that I'm breaking, and I'm letting myself slip further and further away from the person I wish to be. I just want to be back home, I want to be surrounded by love again and, dare I say it, I want to find someone to love. I'm in a weird place spiritually, I feel like a true battle is taking place deep within my soul. This struggle between the old and the new man. This indescribable primal fight between the flesh in the spirit is waging within me in a more powerful and tangible way than I've ever experienced more in my life. I feel constantly on the verge of tears.

Maybe that's why this song seems so powerful to me. Only tears know how to remind us we all break the same. I consider the rest of those around me and there's a temptation to think, "They've got it all together, God is really bringing it together for them." A simple teardrop is all that's needed to remind me otherwise. I guess it's important to think: everyone may seem invincible, but it's just pretend. What's even more powerful is that even Christ, God Himself, experienced this same breaking. In the death of Lazarus, in His agony, He was not above this breaking that tears make manifest. I'm sure there were times He felt overwhelmed too, I'm sure there were occurrences that pushed Him to His breaking point, but the essential difference between He and I is that He continually turned to the Father. He continually brought everything, including the "breakings" to His Heavenly Father. 

We all break the same, but we don't all mend the same. An infinite number of routes people can take to get some semblance of "healing." Some turn to self-medication, some to fantasies and escapes from reality, others in relationships. There is only one true way that we are mended though, and that is through God alone. Nothing else counts. We all break the same, and He  alone can mend us.