Saturday, February 26, 2011
Ordinary
Again, I know that this is probably not something that I should be giving in to, but damn it, these past few days have been hell. I just want to be with her. Here I thought I was making progress, letting go, but when these thoughts keep coming in over and over again it makes me question myself. What was so different about her? Why is this so darn difficult? I haven't even seen her in more than a week and a half, and I just can't stop thinking how badly I want to love her and be loved in return by her. She just made things seem so extraordinary, she called something out of myself that made me want to be a better person, made me want to be more holy. I trust in God's plan, I just wish He'd give me a little insight sometime...
Saturday, February 19, 2011
5:19
As weak as this may sound, I miss her, I really do. I know that I just need to be satisfied with the circumstances that God has placed before me and just dive into intimacy with Him alone. It just is so difficult when I know in my heart of hearts that there was something special and unique about Ashley, I don't feel like I was deluding myself the entire time. My heart just aches, it just wants to be with her. I find myself glancing at my phone when I get a text message and hope secretly that it's from her. Every time I receive a phone call, I just wish it'd be her. The minutes seem to pass by slowly, and my life just seems to be good, but not great. What is the matter with me? Why can I not get this out of my head? I keep asking the Lord to just help me be satisfied with Him, and I feel like He is answering my prayer, yet there's still this part of me that just wants to fall in love with her. I'm trying to let go, trying to give it up, but I just need some help from on high I think...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Longing (Chapter 1)
Chapter 1
“LORD, my God, I call out by day; at night I cry aloud in your presence. Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry.” –Psalm 88:2-3
One warm August evening in my home town of Mesa, Arizona I sat in the small rose garden dedicated to our Lady a stone’s throw away from my parish doors. The roses were in full bloom, the grass was the bright green that only a long warm summer could bring about and the leaves of the trees swayed placidly to the gentle gusts parading across the garden. I sat there, in tears, looking up to the skies and asking God to stop what I knew was coming. My girlfriend at the time had called me the night before and asked if we could meet at the church saying, “we need to talk.” That most terrible utterance to ever escape the human mouth, that phrase that carries with it a sense of fear, anxiety, despair and even heartache. I cried aloud to God, feeling in the very depths of my bones that this was going to be one of the most painful experiences of my young life. I asked God aloud, “Why? Why is this happening? Why do I need to suffer like this?” and heard nothing but the gentle whisper of the wind through the trees. My heart sunk in my chest as I glanced at my phone and saw the time had come when we had scheduled to meet.
I walked apathetically towards the church where I knew she would be waiting. I saw her, my heart began to melt inside me and we began to walk the campus and talk. She tried to keep things as upbeat as possible, “This is really hard for me, and I know it has to be hard for you too” she said to me as we sat down next to each other. I began to brace myself for the bomb that I knew was coming my way. She glanced at me, and then she looked down at her feet and said, “We can’t be together any longer, I am just not attracted to you like that any more.” My heart dropped to the soles of my shoes, the entire world seemed to have just stopped. She proceeded to enumerate all of the different reasons why we could no longer be. Consciousness was no longer with me, as my mind began to float to other thoughts, to other places, anywhere but right there where I was. We walked away from that break-up talk with tears rolling down our faces. I got into my car and I began to scream, “What is the matter with me?!?” This longing that had been placated and appeased through our relationship suddenly returned. My first girlfriend was the person who I felt closest to because I gave her a big portion of my heart, and she had reciprocated with me. We were connected, we were close, we were utterly convinced that we “loved” each other and most importantly there was a connection on a deep, intimate level, not sexually, but our souls had come to know each other and became connected. Then, as suddenly as it began it ended and we were left with broken hearts and shattered dreams because that relationship that had brought about so much intimacy was suddenly gone. I had no idea what to do with myself, with my heart and most importantly with my prayer life.
There’s this part of being human that is eternally searching for something to quench our thirst for greater something above and beyond what we see and participate in every day. We seek it in the most obscure and empty things; we look for it in food, in alcohol, in abusive relationships, in pornography, in gossip, even sometimes we hope to find it within ourselves. There’s a general longing amongst us that simply wants satisfaction, wants to feel complete. Do you ever have that feeling where you just can’t help but say to yourself, “I just want something more?” It’s part of who we are, it’s core to our human condition, we are the only creatures in all of creation that need something outside of ourselves to complete ourselves, and that “something” that we seek is none other than God Himself.
Growing up Catholic, I always felt like I had a “good handle” on the whole God thing. Even though I went to mass every week without fail, I was actively involved with ministries in my parish and I went to a small Catholic school in the middle of nowhere so I could study theology there was still something that plagued me, this nagging feeling of just not being satisfied. Always floating through the back of my mind was attraction to members of the opposite sex. Girls would walk in and out of my mangled “love life” and every time it was good, things with my faith journey seemed fantastic. Everything took on a new shimmer, I was satisfied with my state of life no matter what it may have been because, “God blessed me with this person who I can love.” Then, when things would go awry and my heart would be shattered, my faith, my prayer, my peace and my trust in God’s plan shattered as well. God and His plan became the villain, trying to steal my satisfaction, trying to hijack my happiness. I remember venting to a friend once after an especially painful experience of having my heart broken using a quote from Bruce Almighty, “God is just a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and we are the ants.”
There’s this deep longing to love someone unconditionally and be loved the same way in return. It’s natural, it’s how we’re designed and it’s a beautiful part of our humanity. I know far too many young single Catholics that continue to lament over not being with that “one person” or not having found their future spouses yet. I recognize them because I was one of them, ever constantly searching, keeping my ear to the ground to see if the next woman to walk into my life could be the one I’m meant to be with. All of this though was a simple smoke screen, a cover-up for a much deeper more profound problem that many of us struggle with. Our lives today are robbed of intimacy. We yearn for it, we expect it, it’s the thing that keeps us moving ahead day in and day out.
Maybe if you think about it in these terms: when was the last time that you sat down with a friend or family member to chat instead of shooting them a quick text message? What do you do more often: a phone call or a social networking post? Do you usually shoot off an e-mail or do you focus on writing a letter? That’s just in terms of our relationships here. How does that translate into our relationship with God? In this world filled with the “quick fix” and the “easy communication,” we’ve lost this skill to truly be intimate and connect on a deep level with those around us. If we can’t even do that with the people that surround us, how can we possibly hope to do that with a God Who speaks not in the fire, the earthquake or the thunder but in the gentle whisper? Things get so garbled in our noisy world we’ve resigned ourselves further and further into alienation from those around us, from our true selves and ultimately from our God.
The desire for intimacy is so deeply ingrained into all of who we are in the innermost depths of our humanity. St. Augustine began his confessions with one of the most widely recognized quotes of all time, “Our hearts are restless, O Lord, until they rest in you.” People have been searching for all of human history for the answer to the deep hunger within ourselves. We turn to possessions, to power, to lust, to gluttony and all manner of other little gods that we continue to carry around with us, unknowingly sometimes, instead of turning and truly delving into the life-changing relationship with the Lord or life Himself. We want to be intimate. There’s an intrinsic need to be intimate with someone and have that intimacy returned. Words cannot express how gratifying or uplifting it is to have at least one other person to be able to love totally and unconditionally and know without a doubt that you will be loved in the same way.
So there is this problem, this yearning, this deep-seeded desire for intimacy. It’s there, and some people choose to deny it and look to passing things to satisfy. The true question you have to answer for yourself is this: what or who am I deeply intimate with? Some people have love affairs with their addictions, others jump from relationship to relationship “knowing” that will satisfy and still others completely deny it and lock their hearts away until they become cold, bitter and hardened. Is this the life that we’re meant to live? Are we supposed to pour ourselves into these things repeatedly always feeling empty yet compulsively coming back for more? Does living like that really count as life or is it mere existence?
Within ourselves there is a longing that cannot be satisfied by any means we have. We are made in the image and likeness of God, which means that there is this part of us that is ongoing and eternal. As such, there’s part of us that simply cannot be satisfied in mere earthly things. St. Iraneus of Lyons said once, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” Without this intimacy, without this deep love being given and reciprocated we cannot be fully alive. God brings about all things for His glory, the question becomes whether or not we will participate with it. God wants you to be fully alive to bring about glory and honor to His name. Do you want to be fully alive?
“LORD, my God, I call out by day; at night I cry aloud in your presence. Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry.” –Psalm 88:2-3
One warm August evening in my home town of Mesa, Arizona I sat in the small rose garden dedicated to our Lady a stone’s throw away from my parish doors. The roses were in full bloom, the grass was the bright green that only a long warm summer could bring about and the leaves of the trees swayed placidly to the gentle gusts parading across the garden. I sat there, in tears, looking up to the skies and asking God to stop what I knew was coming. My girlfriend at the time had called me the night before and asked if we could meet at the church saying, “we need to talk.” That most terrible utterance to ever escape the human mouth, that phrase that carries with it a sense of fear, anxiety, despair and even heartache. I cried aloud to God, feeling in the very depths of my bones that this was going to be one of the most painful experiences of my young life. I asked God aloud, “Why? Why is this happening? Why do I need to suffer like this?” and heard nothing but the gentle whisper of the wind through the trees. My heart sunk in my chest as I glanced at my phone and saw the time had come when we had scheduled to meet.
I walked apathetically towards the church where I knew she would be waiting. I saw her, my heart began to melt inside me and we began to walk the campus and talk. She tried to keep things as upbeat as possible, “This is really hard for me, and I know it has to be hard for you too” she said to me as we sat down next to each other. I began to brace myself for the bomb that I knew was coming my way. She glanced at me, and then she looked down at her feet and said, “We can’t be together any longer, I am just not attracted to you like that any more.” My heart dropped to the soles of my shoes, the entire world seemed to have just stopped. She proceeded to enumerate all of the different reasons why we could no longer be. Consciousness was no longer with me, as my mind began to float to other thoughts, to other places, anywhere but right there where I was. We walked away from that break-up talk with tears rolling down our faces. I got into my car and I began to scream, “What is the matter with me?!?” This longing that had been placated and appeased through our relationship suddenly returned. My first girlfriend was the person who I felt closest to because I gave her a big portion of my heart, and she had reciprocated with me. We were connected, we were close, we were utterly convinced that we “loved” each other and most importantly there was a connection on a deep, intimate level, not sexually, but our souls had come to know each other and became connected. Then, as suddenly as it began it ended and we were left with broken hearts and shattered dreams because that relationship that had brought about so much intimacy was suddenly gone. I had no idea what to do with myself, with my heart and most importantly with my prayer life.
There’s this part of being human that is eternally searching for something to quench our thirst for greater something above and beyond what we see and participate in every day. We seek it in the most obscure and empty things; we look for it in food, in alcohol, in abusive relationships, in pornography, in gossip, even sometimes we hope to find it within ourselves. There’s a general longing amongst us that simply wants satisfaction, wants to feel complete. Do you ever have that feeling where you just can’t help but say to yourself, “I just want something more?” It’s part of who we are, it’s core to our human condition, we are the only creatures in all of creation that need something outside of ourselves to complete ourselves, and that “something” that we seek is none other than God Himself.
Growing up Catholic, I always felt like I had a “good handle” on the whole God thing. Even though I went to mass every week without fail, I was actively involved with ministries in my parish and I went to a small Catholic school in the middle of nowhere so I could study theology there was still something that plagued me, this nagging feeling of just not being satisfied. Always floating through the back of my mind was attraction to members of the opposite sex. Girls would walk in and out of my mangled “love life” and every time it was good, things with my faith journey seemed fantastic. Everything took on a new shimmer, I was satisfied with my state of life no matter what it may have been because, “God blessed me with this person who I can love.” Then, when things would go awry and my heart would be shattered, my faith, my prayer, my peace and my trust in God’s plan shattered as well. God and His plan became the villain, trying to steal my satisfaction, trying to hijack my happiness. I remember venting to a friend once after an especially painful experience of having my heart broken using a quote from Bruce Almighty, “God is just a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and we are the ants.”
There’s this deep longing to love someone unconditionally and be loved the same way in return. It’s natural, it’s how we’re designed and it’s a beautiful part of our humanity. I know far too many young single Catholics that continue to lament over not being with that “one person” or not having found their future spouses yet. I recognize them because I was one of them, ever constantly searching, keeping my ear to the ground to see if the next woman to walk into my life could be the one I’m meant to be with. All of this though was a simple smoke screen, a cover-up for a much deeper more profound problem that many of us struggle with. Our lives today are robbed of intimacy. We yearn for it, we expect it, it’s the thing that keeps us moving ahead day in and day out.
Maybe if you think about it in these terms: when was the last time that you sat down with a friend or family member to chat instead of shooting them a quick text message? What do you do more often: a phone call or a social networking post? Do you usually shoot off an e-mail or do you focus on writing a letter? That’s just in terms of our relationships here. How does that translate into our relationship with God? In this world filled with the “quick fix” and the “easy communication,” we’ve lost this skill to truly be intimate and connect on a deep level with those around us. If we can’t even do that with the people that surround us, how can we possibly hope to do that with a God Who speaks not in the fire, the earthquake or the thunder but in the gentle whisper? Things get so garbled in our noisy world we’ve resigned ourselves further and further into alienation from those around us, from our true selves and ultimately from our God.
The desire for intimacy is so deeply ingrained into all of who we are in the innermost depths of our humanity. St. Augustine began his confessions with one of the most widely recognized quotes of all time, “Our hearts are restless, O Lord, until they rest in you.” People have been searching for all of human history for the answer to the deep hunger within ourselves. We turn to possessions, to power, to lust, to gluttony and all manner of other little gods that we continue to carry around with us, unknowingly sometimes, instead of turning and truly delving into the life-changing relationship with the Lord or life Himself. We want to be intimate. There’s an intrinsic need to be intimate with someone and have that intimacy returned. Words cannot express how gratifying or uplifting it is to have at least one other person to be able to love totally and unconditionally and know without a doubt that you will be loved in the same way.
So there is this problem, this yearning, this deep-seeded desire for intimacy. It’s there, and some people choose to deny it and look to passing things to satisfy. The true question you have to answer for yourself is this: what or who am I deeply intimate with? Some people have love affairs with their addictions, others jump from relationship to relationship “knowing” that will satisfy and still others completely deny it and lock their hearts away until they become cold, bitter and hardened. Is this the life that we’re meant to live? Are we supposed to pour ourselves into these things repeatedly always feeling empty yet compulsively coming back for more? Does living like that really count as life or is it mere existence?
Within ourselves there is a longing that cannot be satisfied by any means we have. We are made in the image and likeness of God, which means that there is this part of us that is ongoing and eternal. As such, there’s part of us that simply cannot be satisfied in mere earthly things. St. Iraneus of Lyons said once, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” Without this intimacy, without this deep love being given and reciprocated we cannot be fully alive. God brings about all things for His glory, the question becomes whether or not we will participate with it. God wants you to be fully alive to bring about glory and honor to His name. Do you want to be fully alive?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Yes
I'm beginning to write a book on Divine intimacy, more and more when I reflect and look at the world around me and consider all of what God does in the day-to-day, the more I've come to realize the extent to which God pursues us. It's in the smallest things, the little "God winks" that happen unexpectedly. A phone call from an old friend, a beautiful sunset, a moment of clarity or just an overwhelming peace that can't be explained. All of these things, just like a man trying to win the heart of his beloved, showcase how deeply our God yearns to have our hearts.
I stumbled across this song by Snow Patrol the other day and something about it just struck a chord with me. We're so finicky aren't we? There are moments when we're on-fire and passionately throwing ourselves into relationship with God. Then there are these other times that we have lost interest and are apathetic about it all. The entire time, throughout it all, God is putting Himself out there for us, He is seeking us, He wants to win our hearts. He lays Himself down time and time again, hoping for our "yes." The Holy Spirit is romantic, and He is the ultimate lover, He wants to sweep each of us off our feet, if only we'd just let go, just stop thinking, just stop holding back and allow Him to do something incredible in us.
I was talking to a good friend of mine the other night and as we were talking about dating and things of this nature she said to me, "I'm just waiting for someone to come and sweep me off my feet." I can't think of a single woman who doesn't want that. All of us want someone to truly just want us and love us unconditionally. The Lord tries day in and day out constantly to win us. The scriptures are chocked full of this stuff. Consider Isaiah 54:10-12:
Though the mountains leave their place and the hills be shaken, My love shall never leave you nor my covenant of peace be shaken, says the LORD, who has mercy on you. O afflicted one, storm-battered and unconsoled, I lay your pavements in carnelians, and your foundations in sapphires; I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of carbuncles, and all your walls of precious stones.
God wants us. He's pursuing us furiously, are our eyes open to seeing it? Do we recognize His hand reaching out to us in both the good and the bad? Maybe all He wants from us is a simple word: yes.
God wants us. He's pursuing us furiously, are our eyes open to seeing it? Do we recognize His hand reaching out to us in both the good and the bad? Maybe all He wants from us is a simple word: yes.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Control
I've been reading this book by Francis Chan called, "Forgotten God" and it's all about the Holy Spirit. He writes about the third person of the trinity because far too often He is overlooked and forgotten about, or thought of in such vague or unorthodox terms that no one can truly relate or commune with the Holy Spirit. At one point in the book Chan poses the question, "Do you have a relationship with the Holy Spirit?" Ever have those moments when you're reading and you just feel like someone jabbed a knife into your heart because it speaks so directly to the core of who you are? That was what that sentence, that one simple sentence, did to me. I had to put the book down and have a serious examination of my life. I thought about it, and I knew I had a relationship with the Father, and with the Son, but the Holy Spirit? I realized that I was neglecting building relationship with the third person of the Trinity, the One that Christ said He would send to be the Counselor, the Guide. This realization washed over me, and I could not walk away from it, the rest of the day the thought of trying to be in relationship with the Spirit consumed my thoughts, consumed my heart, consumed by very being.
Throughout the course of this week, I've been actively seeking and inviting the Holy Spirit into my life, into being in relationship with me. I've been seeking Him out and it's been fantastic and terrifying all at once. Chan poses another question in the book, "Why do you want the power of the Holy Spirit?" That question too hit me like a ton of bricks, it shattered me, and made me question my motives. Eventually I dove into prayer with the Holy Spirit and some things that I came to realize were that I had been seeking Him only for myself, only for my own gain, my own sanctification, not for the betterment of those around me. He challenged me, called me out, forced me to see my flaws in seeking Him, and it was the most beautiful thing.
When we enter into relationship with the Holy Spirit, it's not meant to be a one-way street. It's not supposed to be just a, "Okay, I want this, and this, and this, and this, and this and if you could throw that in over there that would be great." One of the points that Chan makes in his book is that some people are actually afraid to invite the Holy Spirit into their lives, because He might ask for us to do something uncomfortable, out of the ordinary and ultimately painful. The point is though the Holy Spirit is always wanting to make us more like Christ, and the most perfect way to become like Christ is to partake in His cross, to enter whole-heartedly into His passion and death. Of course it's going to hurt. Of course it's going to be uncomfortable. Think about it though: would you have it any other way? There's this beauty, this uncontrollable peace that comes from saying unreservedly to the Holy Spirit, "This is me, take it, do whatever You so desire." He'll lead us to those places of discomfort, but, through that discomfort and pain is redemption. I went to mass this morning and as I was kneeling in the pew, all I could think of was this song by Mute Math:
Just thinking about that one line sends shivers down my spine: "There's no reason I should breathe unless you're in the air." Think about it in these terms: there is no reason we should breathe unless the Holy Spirit is in control of our lives. What a call-out. Christians are fond of the cliché, "Lose this life to find it." How many of us actually do that? How many of us surrender up all that we are unreservedly to the direction of the Holy Spirit? How many of us have genuinely given up "control" to Him? What would happen to the church if all of us really gave up totally to the will of God? What if we actively and passionately sought out the Holy Spirit every day? Maybe you're at a spot where you're terrified of what the Holy Spirit will ask, maybe you're okay with it but feel like He just isn't giving you any direction, maybe you just don't care. All I can say is this: no matter where you're at or how you view the Holy Spirit and His will for you, seek it unreservedly and you will not be disappointed. Such a beautiful surrender.
Throughout the course of this week, I've been actively seeking and inviting the Holy Spirit into my life, into being in relationship with me. I've been seeking Him out and it's been fantastic and terrifying all at once. Chan poses another question in the book, "Why do you want the power of the Holy Spirit?" That question too hit me like a ton of bricks, it shattered me, and made me question my motives. Eventually I dove into prayer with the Holy Spirit and some things that I came to realize were that I had been seeking Him only for myself, only for my own gain, my own sanctification, not for the betterment of those around me. He challenged me, called me out, forced me to see my flaws in seeking Him, and it was the most beautiful thing.
When we enter into relationship with the Holy Spirit, it's not meant to be a one-way street. It's not supposed to be just a, "Okay, I want this, and this, and this, and this, and this and if you could throw that in over there that would be great." One of the points that Chan makes in his book is that some people are actually afraid to invite the Holy Spirit into their lives, because He might ask for us to do something uncomfortable, out of the ordinary and ultimately painful. The point is though the Holy Spirit is always wanting to make us more like Christ, and the most perfect way to become like Christ is to partake in His cross, to enter whole-heartedly into His passion and death. Of course it's going to hurt. Of course it's going to be uncomfortable. Think about it though: would you have it any other way? There's this beauty, this uncontrollable peace that comes from saying unreservedly to the Holy Spirit, "This is me, take it, do whatever You so desire." He'll lead us to those places of discomfort, but, through that discomfort and pain is redemption. I went to mass this morning and as I was kneeling in the pew, all I could think of was this song by Mute Math:
Just thinking about that one line sends shivers down my spine: "There's no reason I should breathe unless you're in the air." Think about it in these terms: there is no reason we should breathe unless the Holy Spirit is in control of our lives. What a call-out. Christians are fond of the cliché, "Lose this life to find it." How many of us actually do that? How many of us surrender up all that we are unreservedly to the direction of the Holy Spirit? How many of us have genuinely given up "control" to Him? What would happen to the church if all of us really gave up totally to the will of God? What if we actively and passionately sought out the Holy Spirit every day? Maybe you're at a spot where you're terrified of what the Holy Spirit will ask, maybe you're okay with it but feel like He just isn't giving you any direction, maybe you just don't care. All I can say is this: no matter where you're at or how you view the Holy Spirit and His will for you, seek it unreservedly and you will not be disappointed. Such a beautiful surrender.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Valium
Valium is used to treat anxiety and to control agitation caused by withdrawal. A couple of years ago, I got my heart handed back to me in an incredibly painful experience that took me a long while to get over. Part of the way I processed through was by listening to the song, "Stall Out" by Mute Math. The chorus of the song just really struck me where I was at:
I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me it's still far from over
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me it's still far from over
I'm at a place right now where I'm completely and utterly amazed by how God can bring someone so low and then lift them up almost instantaneously. My heart has been shoved back into my face once again and it tore me to pieces, it left me shattered and broken, for a little while. Then, God totally gave me the grace to just grab ahold of Him, and cling to Him, and seek His face alone, and it's been a fantastic experience. He keeps coming around, and convinces me it's still far from over. A year after I had my heart broken in college, I finally got to a point where I was okay, that I was able to really be myself again, and it was around that time that I heard Mute Math's "Valium." Some of the lyrics go:
I won't concern myself
Any longer, any longer,
On how to recover
From a stall out, from a stall out
Any longer, any longer,
On how to recover
From a stall out, from a stall out
It was the second piece of the puzzle for me. It was only after I realized that I shouldn't concern myself with how to recover from the stall out and just simply accept what God had done that I was able to regain my peace, and my trust. He's done that in a record amount of time with me now, and I'm so grateful for it all! I don't need to concern myself with how to "recover" from the stall out, I just need to accept it, thank God and praise Him because even though I don't know what all He has in store, He does, and He wants what is best for me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)