Pins

"Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles

Facades are a fire on the skin,

I'm growing fond of broken people,

As I see that I am one of them."

As much as this song has been on my heart and mind for the past couple months I have failed to write anything about it. This semester has been draining, my faith feels fragile and downright broken for the most part. I have stress coming at me from every direction, RA duties, classes, research, graduate school applications, being present to my best friends, all of these things have taken all that I am and ripped me apart in fifty different directions. At times I feel like I'm wearing masks, sometimes I'm the researcher that has everything together, other times I'm the friend who has been lacking in virtue and investing in the people I love like I would like to. God and I have a very touch-and-go relationship at best, sometimes it seems good, other times it feels faked and forced. All of these facades that I have been spending all this semester focusing on and building up are beginning to confront me and I'm feeling backed into a corner.

In high school my youth minister who I owe a lot of personal growth to, Billie Sue, would quote the bible verse that she tried to live her life by. Often, Billie Sue would bring up Micah 6:8, "You have been told, O man, what is good, and what the LORD requires of you: Only to do the right and to love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God." That, she emphasized over and over again, was the true key to happiness. The last part of that verse is what sticks out to me, walk humbly with your God. Throughout the semester I really feel God has been trying to lead me to humility, in small and big things. It's been in this tearing down process that I've been brought closer to what true humility looks like than I think I ever have been before. The more I've been brought low, the more I've realized how much virtue I lack and, as funny as it sounds, I've realized how the humility that I was so sure I possessed was nothing more than an elaborate schema that I created in order to make me feel somewhat better about myself. 

This false humility that I had allowed myself to believe in for so long really makes me realize how broken I really am. The song, "Pins and Needles" by MuteMath (as quoted above) hits on the point that in order to really love, we have to be aware of the fact that the people we are loving are imperfect and that, we too, are broken and imperfect. What it always comes back to for me and my faith walk is no matter what it is God is showing me or leading me through, it's all about love. This dirt that has come to encrust my existence, my lack of virtue, my sin, my stress, all is supposed to help me see that I am human, I am imperfect, and I can only truly love through and in God. How do I do that? I need to acknowledge my broken state before my God and allow Him to see into what my experience is instead of trying to hide it from Him. It is then, in humility and acknowledging who I truly am, that God can really begin to transform me. I am a broken person, and it is time I stop pretending that I'm not.

Subjection

"But I who am more inclined to go back, than to go forward, continue not always in one state, for I am changed, seven different times. But it quickly becomes better when it pleases Thee, and Thou stretchest out Thy helping hand: for Thou alone without man's aid can assist me and so strengthen me, that my countenance shall be more diversely changed: but my heart be converted and find its rest in Thee alone.

He who would be too secure in time of peace will often be found too much dejected in time of war. If you could always continue to be humble and little in your own eyes, and keep your spirit in due order and subjection, you would not fall so easily into danger and offense. It is good counsel that, when you have conceived the spirit of fervor, you should meditate how it will be when the light shall be withdrawn." -Imitation

The time of year has come to renew my total consecration to our Lady. The novena is meant to make those who would be consecrated reflect upon themselves and try to understand how to grow closer to God. This quote above is part of the first twelve preliminary days and it truly knocked me senseless when I read it.

I am a weak and fallen human being, I lack virtue, I sin often, I have not been perfected in the school of love. This is my reality, and the simple fact is God holds the key to bringing me into Himself through grace and love. What it ultimately comes down to is humility, acknowledging your brokenness before God and acknowledging that you can do nothing aside from Him. He is the One Who can change who we are. He is the One Who can transform us into what we were meant to be. It is only the humble soul that can truly subjugate his own passions and will to his soul, because the humble soul has subjugated himself to his Creator. There are times of religious fervor and zeal, when the faith walk is exciting and worthwhile and rewarding because of all the consolation, but that cannot be it. Hence the imitation book emphasizes during those times of consolation to consider what it will be like once the light is withdrawn. This all echos the message of humility, we do not control when we receive consolation, God does. It is imperative for us to cooperate with His grace and place ourselves at His feet and recognize how truly inconsistent we are and ask that He transforms us into what we were created to be.

We can find our rest in Christ alone, yet because of our weak and fallen nature we seek our meaning in other, lesser things. I'm reminded of David Crowder's song, "How Great." He starts off by singing, "I'm so bored of little gods while standing on the edge of something large, while standing here so close to You, we could be consumed." He goes on to sing about giving everything up, laying it all down and falling face-first before God much like Moses. He implores Christ to rid his heart of all he hides. It then turns into a reflection of how great the love of God is compared with how feeble our love is. So, here I stand, and I'm tired of the little gods that I've wasted so much of my existence pursuing, I want to be consumed, I want to be changed, I want to be made new. It's in that moment when we become aware of our humanity and own our sinfulness that we can stand before God and simply be swept up in His mercy, and begin the transforming process of the conversion of life.

Shattering

"One of the keys to real religious experience is the shattering realization that no matter how hateful we are to ourselves, we are not hateful to God. This realization helps us to understand the difference between our love and His. Our love is a need, His is a gift. We need to see good in ourselves in order to love ourselves. He does not. He loves us not because we are good, but because He is... The free and confident access of a soul that stands face to face with God and understand His mercy and is not consumed with self-hatred because of sins which, it knows, have already been consumed by His mercy--this is the parrhesia  which is ours since the 'goodness and kindness of God our Savior appeared.'" -Thomas Merton

In this passage Merton talks about God's infinite love and mercy in a way that I have not heard before. Merton notes that we need to see some good in ourselves to be able to love ourselves, God does not. God loves us in spite of our sin and wretchedness. His mercy envelops our sin and consumes it. I am reminded of the lyrics of Wholly Yours, "But the harder I try, the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all." The sin we find ourselves in not only reminds us of how weak we are, but it allows us to intimately feel the love of God.

Jesus says in Luke 7:47, "the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little." The depths of my fallen humanity have forced me to see my own hatefulness, but that seems to be where my reflection ends. It should also illuminate to me the immensity of the Divine Love. The depth of our fall should not simply point out how weak and sinful we are, because if that was it who would want to be a Christian? The weight of it all is not only found in how depraved we are, but in how immense God's love is. St. Paul understood this paradox of our hatefulness and His love. He wrote in his letter to the Romans, "But God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Why else would the Church proclaim that the fall was the felix culpa, the happy fault, if it did not bring us ultimately into the depths of God's love?

Merton also talks about the soul that truly understands the mercy and depth of God's love and is not consumed with self-hatred can truly partake in the parrhesia, that is, free speech. In the original state, Adam talked to God without fear and, in some sense, almost as an equal. God wants us to partake in this freedom of speech with Him. Rob Bell said once, "God can handle what you're thinking. God can handle how you're feeling. God can handle what you're saying. Prayer, if it's anything, is truth. It's being honest with your Maker." So, here we stand, broken, in need of God's hand. Only the soul who really understands God's infinite mercy and how it consumes all of our guilt that can cast aside the temptation to let guilt come between us and our relationship with God. He wishes to be united to us, He wishes to help make us like Himself, but if we continue to wallow in our shameful existence then how can we ever come to love? This life is a battle between the "old self" and the "new self" that God wishes to transform us into, far too often the "old self" continues to impose its guilt on us. We have to own the fact that despite our hatefulness, we are not hateful to Him.

Victory

"O, death, where is your sting?

O, hell, where is your victory?

O, Church, come stand in the light!

OUR GOD IS NOT DEAD!

HE'S ALIVE! HE'S ALIVE!"

The song "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher has been on my heart a lot lately. The lyrics are based off of 1 Corinthians 15:55, "Death is swallowed up in victory, where, o death, is your victory? Where, o death, is your sting?" Christ is risen from the dead, in His passion and death He united Himself to us. Sin holds no power over us, but more often than not it seems that sin is more of my reality than grace is. The key, I suppose, to true holiness and, by default, to true happiness is found in the cross. It is in denying ourselves radically and truly practicing the art of growing in virtue that sin and death no longer hold sway over us. Christ has risen from the dead, trampling over death by death, but in order to partake in the fruit of Christ's death, we too must partake in His death. This must take root in our souls and change our very lives.

God Himself is extending His arms out to reach for us, we must reach back in the same fashion. Just as He reached out His arms on the cross, so must we reach out our arms on our crosses and crucify that which is within us that keeps us from Him. Saint Paul says in his letter to the Galatians, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but He lives within me." Let that be my reality. His death must become the death of me, because it is only in dying that we truly discover what life is. In uniting ourselves with the cross we can too revel in the glory of resurrection. This is Christianity, not some abstract theological concept, no, it is what is meant to touch the very center of our existence and transform it into something greater. Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive! 

Detached

I am called to be detached from everything. My friendships, my things, my family, even my expectations of prayer I need to let go of altogether. If there is one thing that I am certain of it is this: my heart needs to be firmly rooted in my God and nothing else. In order to grow and be made perfect I need to let go of all that I allow to capture my heart. Jesus says in the gospel that we are to be perfect. He says to the rich young man, "If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me (Matthew 19:21)." Jesus said to go and give all you have and in order to do that we need to be truly detached.

 

Nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ except those things that we choose to latch on to. Christ came so that we may have life and have it more abundantly but how many times do we just settle for the things we hold on to? The apostles left all they knew on the shores the day Jesus called them to cast aside their nets and follow Him. Luke's gospel confirms that the apostles, "left everything and followed him." They left behind all of it, the good, the bad, the triumphs, the sorrows and followed Him. God alone suffices and if we cannot detach ourselves from the things that we hold so dear we have absolutely no right to call ourselves Christians. If we cannot drop all that God has given us the instant He calls us to something new then we can be certain that the only reason we loved God, if indeed it can be called love, is for His gifts. I'm tired of seeking the gifts, I want to be detached to fall truly in love with the Giver. Christ, be the center of my life.

Alone

"For You alone are Father, and You alone are good,

And You alone are Savior, and You alone are God...

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive,

I'm alive, I'm alive..." -David Crowder

There is something glorious about realizing and proclaiming that here, now, at this precise moment in time I am alive. I think that this awe-inspiring good  is far too often overlooked. This is it, the starting of my Senior year of college and once again God has placed me in St. Joseph hall. Sick twisted joke? Or Divine providence calling me back to Himself? The fruit of this year will show the answer to that, one way or another. 

In reality, the relationships that I cherished as keys to my relationship with God actually became a hinderance last year. The simple fact of the matter is that God is calling me out of my save zone and challenging me once again by asking me, "Are you here for the community, or are you here for the God of the community?" This question has continually popped up through my faith walk and once again I'm just now coming to realizing that praying with the community, and talking about God with the community is not the same thing as being in relationship with the God of the community. My relationships with my brothers are always going to hold a special place in my heart, but right now, at this moment in time, I'm alive. Just as I want to proclaim that from the rooftops to my God as a song of praise, God wants to proclaim that exact same phrase to me even more than I could even imagine wanting to exclaim it to Him. This is it, this is God shouting out to me that He is alive and He is doing wondrous things in me, and if it took me being dragged from my group of friends and being shoved back into the Joe as an RA, then amen, so be it.

Tonight

This past week has been bizarre. I've been home alone at the McGown's, which I am so thankful for, but it was still quite strange to just be living at their house and not having any of them here. Today I just had this resounding desire to be at home, I don't know why, but it weighed heavy on my heart all day. I think in part it was spurned on by talking with Stacy last night on the drive to O'Malley's. Talking with her and reminiscing about my time in Life Teen at St. Tim's just did something to me. I don't know, it's weird.

I bought the Black Eyed Peas song, "I Gotta Feeling" and the bridge just goes, "I got a feeling that tonight's going to be a good night, that tonight's going to be a good good night." That's all that it says and like it just sunk in with me and resonated with something that Billie Sue had told me a couple years ago. She told me one afternoon, "Well, we can't change everything around us, but we can change our perceptions of everything around us." This song by the Black Eyed Peas, aside from the materialistic side of it, kind of brushes on this idea. I need to change my perception of everything to make things seem lighter for me.

Relentless

I just felt the need to write, just for the sake of writing. As I've been home this past week and a half, I've been renewed piece by piece. It's been very good for me to come home and I've definitely relished my time here. Despite how good my time at home has been, I've become lax in prayer, the eternal struggle of every summer. As I've distanced myself from this previous year at Benedictine, there's something that I really came to realize that attributed to why I think last year just sucked. When I looked at this past year and I was entirely honest with myself, I came to realize that I slipped into apathy in prayer, I mean, yes, I had the relationship with God, but I didn't really work at it. Just as with any friendship or relationship in general, it requires work, it requires sacrifice in order to maintain a good relationship with God, my heart was veiled from my God this past year, and I'm still not entirely sure how it happened or why it happened, but that was the fact of the matter. Why is it that my prayer always becomes so stagnant? 

The thing that really separated sophomore year for me was, honestly, the tight-knit relationship I had with the Lord. There would often be times that I would simply go to be with God, I always talked with God about everything and I withheld nothing. It was a legitimate relationship with God that I had, prayer was my world, not a  part of my world. Therein lies the major problem with my walk with the Lord this past year, my prayer was defined by my life, my life was not defined by my prayer. There is something to be said for faithfully coming before the Lord, but more often than not I perceived my prayer times this past year as irksome intrusions on my time, not the high-point of my day like it was when I was a sophomore. It was coerced, and I didn't revel in the joy of the Lord this past year as I had the year before. Aside from that I was under attack throughout the year: not having Andrew with me first semester; not doing as well as I usually do in my classes first semester; the random emotional flare-up on the retreat I helped with; the RA position and finally wrapping up the year finding out my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It was like I was being stripped of everything, and was being made low. 

The fact of the matter is, I still don't know why God allowed all of those things to happen, I do not know how to get my prayer life back on track to where it was, and I especially do not know what is in store for me this upcoming year. The simple fact remains that God is God and I am not. I remember reading this book a few years back called, "Furious Pursuit" and on the back cover was this quote that essentially summed up the entire message of the book, "You are not defined by what you've done or where you've been, you're defined by who pursues you." God is relentlessly pursuing me and trying to unite me more intimately to Himself. How? I don't know. Why? I'm not even entirely sure of that, but having that little shred of truth is what is giving me hope to make it through this next year.

Gravel

"He has broken my teeth with gravel, 

pressed my face in the dust;

my soul is deprived of peace, 

I have forgotten what happiness is,

I tell myself my future is lost, 

all that I hoped for from the Lord."-Lamentations 3:16-18

The prophet Jeremiah just nails where my soul is at right now in the entire third chapter of Lamentations. I fell like my face keeps being pushed into the dirt. Earlier on in the chapter, Jeremiah says that he is, "one whom he has led and forced to walk in darkness, not in the light." Wow. Sometimes, no, most times lately, I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark without any sense of direction. 

Something that is interesting though is that Jeremiah says that he has been led and forced to walk in darkness. I suppose that is what God is doing with me right now. He was led there by the hand of God, that should bring some comfort to the situation. I guess I should take a page out of Jeremiah's book. Led into darkness, there needs to be such a trust, one greater than I possess, to be willing to be led into that darkness. I guess that is what's happening in my life, I am being led and forced to walk in this darkness. Jeremiah writes on and says, "He has hemmed me in with no escape, and weighed me down in chains; even when I cry out for help, he stops my prayer; he has blocked my ways with fitted stones, and turned my path aside." It seems as if Jeremiah felt backed into a corner much like I do, yet God was there, He was the One doing the backing in. Just like St. Paul says, "God chastises those whom He loves."

God is here. No matter how distant He seems, He is here. He has placed His hand upon my shoulder and has led me into this darkness. He is doing His work in me, and just like Jeremiah I need to force myself to realize that His mercies are not spent, He has brought me into this state for a reason. The Lord may be shoving my face into the dust, but it is only because He sees a greater good to come from it. Lord, I surrender it all to You in regards to this next school year, even in regards to this summer. I am placing it all in Your hands. I'm taking the leap of faith and trusting that You will catch me. It's all for You, it's all for You, I'm letting go, I'm letting go. You are God and I am not. I trust in You.

Meant

"Adam, then, was meant from the very first to live and breathe in unison with God, for just as the soul was the life of Adam's body, so the Spirit of God, swelling in Adam, was to be the life of his soul." -Thomas Merton

My soul is meant for union. That is it, nothing else should matter. Something I am slowly coming to realize is union is a painful process. Even if one were to think about melding two pieces of metal together, it requires the melting and forcing the two pieces together. It is certainly not a pleasant process. I think that might be what God is trying to do in me. He is melting away pieces of me. It hurts, and it is a very unsavory experience. This is my reality.

Despite the fact that I'm sure God is molding me to Himself, I still groan and complain. I look at these current sufferings as "prep" for something greater that God will do in me or give to me. I'm looking ahead for the gifts, for the peace, for God to make sense of my life again. My problem is that I'm not accepting the here and now as it is. I'm bearing my present state only for "something more" that God will do for me when right here and now He is inviting me into His passion. I should be more than ecstatic that God is trying in a powerful way to unite Himself with me by inviting me to share in His cross, yet all I'm looking for is the consolation. The actual Spirit of the living God is here and now trying to swell up to be the life of my soul. This is meant to be the life of my soul, this union with the Spirit of God. My very breath was meant to be in unison with my God, that was Adam's destiny, that was his reality, and God is trying to do that with me, but I don't like the pain. Honesty with God is important, and He knows the turmoil of my soul, and I think He is truly trying to help me to understand in a much deeper and personal level the meaning of the cross. This is me, this is my life, this is the state of my soul. God, rain down on me.

Heavy

These past few weeks have been very heavy... very, very heavy. I'm worried about next year, and I feel as if everything is slowly but surely slipping out of my control and out of my hands. I wake up in the mornings and literally the first thing I think is, "I'm never going to live with my best friends again, this sucks." Not the warmest way to start the day at all. Recently I can't help but feel as if I've been alienated from the three of them, and it simply hurts. There comes a time where you just simply want to ask God, "What the heck do you think You're doing?" There is a lot of fear in my heart in regards to next year, and I know that it is a silly thing to be afraid of but I'm terrified of being abandoned by everyone here who I've grown so incredibly close to, and yes, this all stems from being an RA next year, not only being an RA in St. Joseph's hall (which is part one of this feeling) but just being an RA in general, my life is going to be consumed by this job next year. I'm anxious and God simply isn't saying anything to me. I've been lacking in love lately, and I can feel it. I just don't put out my love like I used to, I don't feel like I'm receiving the love that I need. This simply confounds everything and makes the complex entangling of emotions ten times worse than it already is. 

Hebrews 10:31 says, "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." Right now, nothing rings truer in my life. I'm struggling with all of my might to stop worrying, to let myself love, to live in joy, but it seems incredibly difficult. I want to just be done, entirely, with school. It would almost be easier to graduate this year and be done with three years than stay here the extra year and watch painfully as friendships drift apart because of apathy. Granted, that may not happen, I may be looking ahead with too much doom and gloom but, let's be honest, history and experience speaks otherwise. Yes, these men I live with are incredible, and we are deeply connected, but my "best friends" in High School were the same way, they would have done anything for me and I would have done anything for them... then life happened and friendships began to become lax. My heart is heavy, heavier than it ever has been before.

Solitude

I don't know where I'm going,

The road ahead is hard to see,

I cannot know for certain,

Where You're leading me,

My own heart is a mystery,

And I'm unsure of Your will,

For my desire to please You,

Surely pleases still, 

Your voice warms winter's chill,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Yes, follow Me,

Lord I know if I follow,

You will lead me from fear,

So I will trust you always,

Knowing You are near,

My God is always near,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Yes, follow Me,

Lord I will trust You always,

Where else could I go?

I don't know where I'm going,

The road ahead is hard to see,

I cannot know for certain,

Where You're leading me,

I know You're leading me,

My God, please lead me

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Yes, follow Me.

Tom Booth wrote this song, it's called, "Solitude Song (Follow Me)" and it's based off of a prayer by Thomas Merton. Let's be honest, my life sucks right now, from every possible aspect. My finances are falling apart, I legitimately think I could have clinical depression, and I've been put as an RA in the Joe, which in turn means that I will literally be living by myself next year. The rest of my brothers are going to move on without me and I can't help but think that this must be how Jesus felt when He was undergoing His passion. All of His friends left Him too. My heart is broken, it is writhing within me. Yesterday I was at a very dark place, a very very dark place. I legitimately considered turning to alcohol during the depressed state I was in, but then, the thoughts just kept getting darker and darker as the day went on. All of these terrible things are happening, and it sucks and my heart is hurting and in more pain than I think I've ever experienced and no one else can ever fucking imagine what is happening. My friends say things like, "We'll be fine next year, our friendship is strong enough." I couldn't help but think to myself the whole entire time, "Bullshit, it's easy for you all to say that when you're on the other side of the fence with each other to still have around, I'll be in exile in the Joe." I don't want to take this position, there is nothing within me that wants it, I don't want to do this. This song speaks to my heart, I don't know where I'm going, my own heart is a mystery, everything seems to be falling apart and right now it is especially hard to just follow. Please God, do something in me.

Wrestling

I've still been wrestling with my emotions. I left Benedictine and I'm home now for spring break and I left BC being informed that I hurt one of my good friends unintentionally. I'm feeling a mix of guilt, and anger. Then there is the whole problem with the emotions flaring up on the retreat that I'm still trying to work my way through. My heart is restless, that's the best way to put it. I just want to give my heart to the lady that God has set aside for me. Waiting has become increasingly difficult as of late, but I trust that God is using this time to prepare us for each other. 

Until the day comes when we are finally together, all I can do is offer up this heartache for her. Song of Songs 2:7 says, "Do not arouse, do not stir up love before its own time" I need to sit with this heartache and allow it to teach me what I must learn from it. I cannot try to push this pain aside, ignore it or pretend as if it doesn't exist. All things are ordered towards God's ultimate plan. It is not my place to try and stir up feelings of love before God has deemed it time for me. Instead of fighting this pain or simply channelling it towards trying to sprout feelings for someone else, I should simply sit in silence and bear this. I need to embrace this heartache as my cross right now and come before my God and ask, "What are You teaching me, Lord, what is it You wish for me to learn?" Because, it is only in dying with Him that we are able to rise with Him.

Waiting

Let's be honest, there are some days that just suck emotionally and they're the most draining days you could ever imagine. Today was one of those types of days for me. I went and helped lead a confirmation retreat for a pack of 7th and 8th graders in Gardner, Kansas today. I was leading this retreat on 3 hours of sleep, I was exhausted but wanted to give the entirety of myself to these kids for the day. I got back into Totus Tuus mode, I just gave and gave and didn't stop to think about whether or not I was holding back, because I didn't have time to hold back. Things were crazy and I was on the brink of insanity at some points I'm sure because I was so entirely exhausted. Yet, despite this insanity, I continued on throughout the day without holding back, then came time for the Lifehouse, "Everything" skit.

The Devil was really trying to screw up whatever it was that I was doing for those kids because I was just hit with this incredible wave of emotions. Let it be known that I was supposed to be "Lust" in this skit and my part entailed dancing with the main girl for a matter of only seconds. During those seconds, however, there was this intense flood of emotions, and while I was dancing with this girl, who also happens to be in a relationship, and I couldn't help but think to myself, "I cannot help but be attracted to you." It sucked. The skit ended, and I changed back into my regular clothes and I tried to simply walk away from the situation and I acknowledged what I was experiencing for what it was: just a random flare up of the unruly emotions. I walked away from the skit and decided that I was just going to dismiss everything that just kind of rushed through my heart, and then she gave the next talk after our skit. Not only did she give the talk, but it was a freaking amazing talk about the love of Christ... it was the best talk of the day, easily. I sat and listened and thought to myself, "I want my wife to be like you, you're holy, you love the Lord, you have a good sense of humor, and you're just all around attractive both physically and spiritually." Needless to say, my emotions ran wild like the untamed stallions. It was very emotionally draining to have these emotions tossing and turning around within me and know at the same time that there was absolutely nothing I could do about them, I can't act on them, I can't even remotely entertain them.

We drove back and I needed to listen to "Tired of Waiting" by Sean McConnell, and as I was listening to it, the lyrics just really resounded within my soul. I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of not having anyone to pursue. I just want to find my wife and settle down, that is all that I want. This waiting business is getting old and I just want to have someone to give my heart to, is that too much to ask?

Eloquent

"Only His light was obvious and eloquent." -Merton, Journals

I'm still trying to sort through all that happened at fan into flame. Even though I'm still struggling through trying to figure out what the Spirit is doing and did in me this weekend, I'm still a little doubtful. Tuesday morning I skipped class because I was very tired. During the time I should have been in class, Jason called me and spoke some sense into me. I told him about my struggle with doubt with this gift of conversation with God. He came right out and said to me, "John, you need to not be so worried about the gift, but pay attention to the giver." It really struck a chord when he said that to me, and it even adds a layer to the story of Jesus and Peter walking on the water.

"Then he made the disciples get into the boat and precede him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. After doing so, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. When it was evening he was there alone. Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, he came towards them walking on the sea. When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. 'It is a ghost,' they said, and they cried out in fear. At once (Jesus) spoke to them, 'Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.' Peter said to him in reply, 'Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on water toward Jesus. But when he saw how (strong) the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' After they got into the boat the wind died down. Those who were in the boat did him homage saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God.'"

Peter was fine while he was using the gift of walking on the water to bring him to Christ, and that's what's happening here, I need to focus not on the gift but Who this gift is leading me to. In the passage, Jesus says to Peter, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" we can gather from that that Peter began to doubt in the gift that Jesus had bestowed on him. I cannot doubt in this gift that God has given me, nor focus all of my attention upon it, it is simply a means for me to reach Jesus. 

Merton's quote really hit me and I think the reason why it really hit me was because it sheds light on the deeper truth of God's presence in the world. Only His light was obvious and eloquent. Ever since I rested in the Spirit this weekend, His light and His hand in my life has become more obvious and eloquent. The scripture He gave me being the first reading on Sunday, Sacraments and Liturgy coming alive on Monday, even Tuesday with missing class and getting to talk to Jason. All of these things are so obvious, and they intertwine so beautifully, so eloquently. Jesus, I trust in You!

Recognized

"It is in the passion of Christ that God has proved to us that He has 'known' us. That He recognized us in our misery. That He has found His lost image in our fallen state and reclaimed it for His own, cleansed in the charity of His Divine Son." -Thomas Merton, Journals

I've once again developed a cold. My nose is stuffy and runny at the same time, a phenomenon I still cannot understand, my eyes are watery, there is a lot of intense sinus pressure, and I feel very fatigued. When I begin to become sick with a cold (which I absolutely hate more than anything in the world) I sometimes slip into praying for God to take the cold away because, "He has no idea what it's like." Merton's quote kicks my butt in that regard tonight. He recognized us in our misery, if this cold isn't misery, I don't know what is. Not only does Christ understand our physical suffering, he understands our spiritual suffering as well. 

In the letter to the Hebrews we read, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way yet without sin." Jesus understands me and my own struggles more than anyone else. He has looked into my soul and seen His lost image in my fallen state. God understood my suffering, even when I felt lost and disconnected from Him these last few months. Even in the garden of Gethsemanie, when He probably felt the furthest from the Father, Christ still trusted and loved. Jesus understands me, the passion upon that cross made him even more in touch with my human weaknesses than even I myself am. He has come, Lent is here, He is calling us all again to come with Him back home. He wishes to restore His image in us so that we may partake more fully in His Divine love. I answer "yes" to His invitation, and I trust radically that He will reclaim His lost image in me and make me whole once again.

Movements

"We cannot know all the movements of Christ's grace." -Thomas Merton

"The Lord works in mysterious ways" is an old adage that is thrown around quite often today. Merton's words hint at something incredible that isn't too far off from this saying. In Isaiah 55:8 we read, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways says the Lord." I think sometimes we try to pinpoint God and put Him in this nice, neat little package and we think to ourselves, "I've got this whole 'God' thing figured out," but really, nothing could be further from the truth. We have no idea how God's grace transforms our lives or how what we do may forever change the life of another.

Sometimes when I listen to music I just stop, close my eyes, let the music sink into my soul and take me someplace that only a good song can take me to. I simply get lost in the music. Maybe that's what we need to do in God's grace? Maybe we just need to stop, close our eyes, stop trying to make sense of everything and just let God's grace sink into our souls and take us someplace that only God's grace can take us to. Just allow ourselves to get lost in His grace.

We will never figure out God or what He is doing in us entirely, it simply won't happen, His ways are not our ways. If we simply come and embrace that, if we just drop this notion that God fits neatly in this pristine box that we have set aside for Him, maybe then we can truly experience His grace and not just talk or think about it in some abstract way. Then we can encounter it in its truest sense, through the Incarnation, through our very own human experience.

Radical

I was reading through Genesis 22 tonight, the chapter about Abraham being called by God to sacrifice his only son. I really felt the need to re-read through this chapter because I had listened to a talk by Chris Faddis over the internet today and it was all about trust. In Genesis 22:1 we hear how God was going to "test Abraham" and in the next verse, it says that God called out to Abraham and Abraham responded saying, "Ready." How phenomenal is that? How many of us simply respond "ready" when the Lord calls our names? I most certainly do not. If there's anything that I think the Lord has really been trying to reveal to me lately, it's been this: trust is an invaluable part in growing as a Christian. 

In John 15:5, Jesus says, "you can do nothing apart from me." That is one thing the Lord has really been driving home to me as of late. My school work, I can't do it without God's grace. There's a lot of stuff that seems to pile up awfully quickly and I don't know what to do with it sometimes. My finances, I am barely scraping together enough money each month to make my tuition payments, my bank account is really hurting. My summer, I have no idea what the heck I'm doing yet, everything is so up in the air and before I know it, the summer will be here. My love life, ha, I don't even have one. All I know is that I want one, and I want to be able to give my heart completely to someone. My senior year, I have no idea whether or not I'll be able to come back to Benedictine or not, I want to be an RA but I don't know if I'll be given the position, my confidence has definitely taken a hit since the whole campus ministry thing. All of these things keep swirling around in my brain and I think that the Lord is just trying to tell me, "John, shut up, trust." Chris said in his talk that he knew the Lord was trying to say to him, "Chris, I can't love through you unless you trust me." Trust is a necessity, not an option, in following God. It all comes down to trying to re-connect with our original transparency with God. Before the fall, all things were there, present, and all of creation was simple, and man just trusted in God because, that was his nature. We need to get back to the heart of Christ, and sometimes it's a tough trip to get back there, and the only thing that can help us achieve uniting our hearts with His is pure, simple trust. The love that makes our lives make sense is only completely available to us if we cast aside all that we put up that keeps us from putting the entirety of our trust in Him. 

Our prayer needs to reflect that trust as well. "We tend to compartmentalize our lives," Fr. Gerry always used to tell me, "and that's not how God intended it, all things are meant to flow from Him and flow back to Him." This radical trust, the type of trust that responds "Ready" when God calls us, the type of trust that's willing to take our very lives up the mount of Moriah and sacrifice it at knife-point, this radical trust, needs to consume us. Everything needs to be entangled up in our trust for God, and everything needs to flow from our trust in God and everything needs to end up going back to God in trust. All of it, not compartmentalized, not the "I'll give you this God, I'll trust you here," not the, "You can have this part of my life Lord, but not the rest of it." Every last part of it, all the trust we can muster, needs to be placed in God wholeheartedly. It's in this radical trust, this utter abandoning of our own ideas and our own designs that God can take our lives and make them whole. I want that eternal, life-giving love to be able to flow through me to others, and the only way that can happen is if I simply trust in God with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my strength. 

All

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart" -Proverbs 3:5

Why is it that things that are meant to be so simple turn out to be the most difficult thing? I'm in the process of applying to be an RA and tonight I got really anxious and nervous. This position is important for me, not only to further my education, but because I truly want to do it. Then there are all these options for what I could do this summer. I could do Totus Tuus in Denver or Des Moines, I could get an internship with Juniper Gardens in Kansas City, I could be the summer RA here on campus and work in town, or I could do an internship in North Carolina with Chris Faddis. All of these different things are possibilities and I find myself thinking about them constantly. Sometimes It's hard to trust. More often than not I find myself trying to tackle all these things on my own, but I can't.

Jesus says in John 15:5, "Without me you can do nothing." What this essentially comes back to is that I need to just put all of my trust in the Lord with all this stuff and trust that He will give me what is ultimately best for me. I need to come to rely on Him for everything and not simply the small, irritable things that annoy me. My entire being needs to be able to draw all that it is from the hands of our Loving Savior. Trust is what will lead me through all of these upcoming decisions and stresses. I need to make the conscious decision to lay it all down at the foot of the Lord and leave it to them. Father Jack always used to drill into us this phrase, "Father, I don't understand You, but I trust You." That needs to be my prayers, because it's in that abounding trust that God does His best work.

Meaning

"To find the full meaning of our existence we must find not the meaning that we expect but the meaning that is revealed to us by God. The meaning that comes to us out of the transcendent darkness of His mystery and our own." -Thomas Merton

What is the meaning of life? Philosophers, Theologians, Scientists, politicians and even the common man have wrestled with this question for thousands of years. We have all of these thoughts and expectations that we're absolutely positive is the answer to this burning question. Merton suggests that we can't know the meaning of existence by what we expect, but by what is revealed to us by God. How do we have that revealed to us though?

It's by a real, personal encounter with God. Christianity is not a philosophy, it's not a moral code, it's not even a set of dogmas, it's about a personal encounter with Christ. I feel like it's been a while since I've had that personal encounter, but I need to still keep seeking it, because therein lies the meaning of my existence. No book, no prayer, no advice can give me that, only God can. The incredible thing is, He wants this personal encounter The problem lies in my own inability to still the inner turmoil and simply quiet my soul to listen for the loving voice of my Creator. I think lately God has been trying to call me back to that personal encounter with Him and not the simple going through the motions that I've become accustomed to. So God, here I am, ready and willing to meet You. 

Whole

"One man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had been ill for a long time, he aid to him, 'Do you want to be well?'" -John 5: 5-6

Some other translations of the Bible translate Jesus' question as "Do you want to be made whole?" so I'm going off of that translation to coincide with what I felt called to reflect on. I've reflected on this idea of a God-shaped hole before. The Lord knows that He alone can satisfy our desires, He alone can fill our hearts and complete us, He knows all of this, yet He still asks us, "Do you want to be made whole?" It's a simple question but  not necessarily an easy answer. If we say "yes" to God's invitation, He will pour forth His blessings and His Holy Spirit upon you, but everything must then change. Once you've tasted the Glory of God, everything else seems trivial. It changes your view of the world and the view of what's important. 

He is ready and willing to make us whole, but are we willing to let Him do that? We live these lives that are shattered, broken, and incomplete, where we turn to everything and everyone we can think of but God to put it back together. Sometimes, I think we get scared of being made whole because it's different. Yet we don't realize that the unchanging One is making us whole, the Lover of our souls, the creator of the universe. He alone can make us whole, you can't realize the glory of the light when all you're accustomed to is the darkness.

Thirst

"Are you thirsty,

Standing in the rain?" -Paul Alan

The song, "To Bring You Back"' has been on my mind a lot recently. Paul Alan starts off the song with that question and I really think that it is an interesting question to pose to our own human state. The book of Ecclesiastes starts off with a simple, yet bold statement, "Vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!" I really feel like this puts forth our soul's inclination when it sees all that surrounds us. Everything is rain. 

The world offers all of these enticing things, yet none of them satisfy. None of them can satisfy, still they are all around us. It's like an intense hurricane of "pleasures" is there, but our souls are still thirsty. There's this void, this emptiness that we all carry around, but, nothing we can do, nothing we can buy can satisfy this hunger, quench this thirst, fill this crevice. We try to though, boy do we try to. Some turn to alcohol, some turn to drugs, some turn to abusive relationships, some even turn to money. I like to refer to this hunger, this emptiness as the "God-shaped hole." This longing, this desire, shouldn't be despised, it shows that we were meant for eternity, because only the Eternal One can satisfy this deep longing. My question to myself is then, am I thirsty drowning in the rain? Yes, I am, and I try to quench this thirst with anything I can think of. With academia, with food, with relationships, all of these different things. All the while, the Lord is whispering, "Whoever drinks the water I give will never thirst." (John 4:14) Come Lord, quench my thirst.  

Faceless

"On a night like this, I could fall in love,

I could fall in love with you."

Here we are: you and I, swaying slowly together. It seems as if it has taken an eternity for us to end up here, you and I. The music plays ever so softly around us, and everything else seems to have stopped. All that matters right now is this reality here between us, my hand in yours, your forehead pressed against mine, our arms wrapped around each other, the sound of your shoes tapping on the wooden floor as we continue to sway. This is it, we are each other's reality and the world has never made more sense. I continue to wonder, "Is this real? Am I dreaming?" I guess I asked myself those questions so often that I actually voiced it. You laugh and whisper into my ear, "Yes, this is real, you're not dreaming." We continue to sway gently back and forth, the way your dress moves reminds me of the ocean's tide. I don't think I've ever seen a woman more beautiful. I whisper into your ear, "I love you." You reply, "I love you too." Here we are: you and I, swaying slowly together. I look up and realize that, before me stands an empty face, a place that is prepared and cherished within my heart has yet to be filled, and I must continue to wait. So, there we will be: you and I, swaying slowly together, in my mind, you will continue to be faceless until the day that my yearning becomes a reality. Until then, I will love you, my faceless bride, and I will simply continue to wait.