Matters

I've just had the writing itch all afternoon. Since I cannot fall asleep, I decided to just stop, breathe in, and write, like the good days of college when I could just write with no superior purpose or drive, but to just write for the therapy of it all. I look around at my life and where I stand currently, there are a few things that simply must be noted as the true things that matter.

God. He matters, even though my life doesn't always perfectly reflect that, He is so good to me. I sometimes forget in the hustle and bustle of day-to-day living that He is intertwined intimately with it all. Nothing happens apart from His knowledge or having His hand in it, He matters not only because of the fact that He is unequivocally, but He matters because He is to me. He has recognized me in my weakness and decided to try and claim me from my fallen state purely out of His goodness and His love.

Memories. Memories matter so much to me, not only sentimentally but also spiritually. The other day I was thinking about my good friend Melissa and just how good, virtuous and loving our relationship is/was starting with that very random but incredible sophomore year of college. The coffee nights, the random chats on AIM, her insights and wisdom reaching out and enlightening my heart and soul. Memories of the countless experiences with my friends through the years and just how God has truly blessed me with some of the world's greatest people, truly.

Friends. Friends matter, they get me, they love me and it is so beautiful. Nothing else truly needs to be said because these friends that God has so blessed me with have been my companions, my classmates and my teachers in the school of love.

Love. This can neatly be summarized simply as follows by Thomas Merton, "One thing has suddenly hit me-nothing counts except love."

These things matter, God is good.

War

I went to confession yesterday afternoon and went into the adoration chapel afterwards to pray my penance and as I was kneeling before God Himself, I just gazed up at Him. I prayed my penance and prayed, "I'm so tired of these sins God, I'm so tired of repeatedly offending You, I can't handle this any longer, my soul is ready to just burst." As I kneeled there in the silence I heard His voice, something I haven't heard in a long time. He spoke to my heart and said, "Why do you try to fight this war alone? Why don't you come to Me? You sit in your office a two minute walk away from Me and you don't ever stop to see Me. Let Me feed you again." It was quite a rude awakening, but one that I needed. How far have I let my prayer life slip this past year and a half I've been here? I look at my time at Benedictine, and yes, there my prayer life could be hit-or-miss as well, but at least there I knew how to keep Him at the forefront of everything.

There's this war that's been waging inside my soul, concupiscence has been winning far more often than grace. How can I expect to live a grace-filled life if I don't ever turn to the Giver of grace? Back and forth my soul goes, at one time aligned with God and seeking His face half-heartedly at best, then other times I simply give up and fall into vices. I cannot win this war alone, I need Him. I am the war inside, my own worst enemy is my own concupiscence but God is bigger than that. He alone can reach through my shit and pull me out, but I need to turn to Him. I'm so tired of this war, I'm so tired of walking the line between virtue and vice, I want Him to come and win this war inside of me.

Yearning

I just need to write because this has been weighing heavy on my heart for a while now, and if I don't express it, I feel like I might implode. The reality of my life is this: I just want a girl friend. That's it, I said it, I'm 'fessing up to it. This isn't motivated by the circle of my close friends having relationships, getting married, having children or anything like that, it's motivated by the fact that I just want someone to call "mine" and to have someone call me "theirs." That's it, plain and simple. Is there something so wrong with that? Is there something so wrong with me...?

On Sunday a group of teens were talking with me, granted, they were immature girls in high school but regardless, stuff hurts. As we were talking, one of them noticed my tattoo and said, "Why do you have tattooed love wins? You haven't seemed to have much luck with it." Ouch. Yet, that is my reality, plain and simple no matter how you try to slice the deck or justify the situation I'm left with the one overwhelming reality that I have only had one "girlfriend" in my entire existence that lasted for little over two months. Every other failed attempt has left me more scarred than the last leaving me with this intrinsic doubt which, like it or not, has come to define my life and my lack of romance: I must not be good enough for anybody who I truly like.

If I was to be totally honest and throw everything out on the line, I would be forced to say that all I really want is someone to love and to be loved in return. That's it. The other night I had this incredible dream that I was walking hand-in-hand with a lady (who this lady was, I don't know) but just the mere fact that we were walking and I was holding her hand was so incredible to me. I woke up from that dream and quite frankly, didn't want to face the rest of the day, if I would have had things my way, I would have tried to go back to sleep to recapture that. I just want someone to be able to, dare I even dream it, hold as we just watch a movie, listen to music, it doesn't matter! I want someone to fall in love with. This is so simple and for some people the reality of dating is just a normal part of life, girlfriends walk in and out of some of my friends' lives like water flows through a river, but that is not the case for me. This is not meant to sound like a search for pity or anything like that, this is meant to simply say one thing, and that is that I so deeply desire romantic love with a woman. That's it. It's what I dream about, fantasize about, hope and pray for yet no matter what I do it always seems to slip through my fingers, like some elusive mystical treasure.

Am I wrong for wanting this? Is God simply saying to me, "Sorry kid, no luck for you, suck it up, move on." Have I been deluding myself the past four years of my life being assured of my vocation to the married life?

I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE.