Content

St. Rafael Arnaiz has floated in and out of my life for the past year now. I first discovered who this incredible saint was during my Benedictine Spirituality class when my group and I presented on the Trappist order. His story follows the narrative of simple love. After graduating high school, he fell in love with the Trappist order. He entered as a novice and had a desperate case of diabetes which was detrimental to his vocation. He was drafted by the army during the Spanish civil war, but declared inept for service. Throughout the course of his young life he was forced to go in and out of the monastery at least three different times. The final time he entered he was forced to enter as an oblate, living on the outskirts of the community. Yet he still desired to be the monk he knew he was called to be.

I recently had a conversation with my mother in which she asked me about dating. I told her that in order for me to consider dating again, God Himself would have to crack open the skies, appear with a host of angels and say to me, "John, this woman here is who you're supposed to marry." Heartache has been the reality of my mangled love life far more often than joy, happiness or peace. There is a part of me that is so over it, so fed up, so completely done. Then, I consider the story of St. Rafael, he hit wall after wall after wall in pursuing his vocation and he never gave up. He continually sought out the way he knew God wanted him to be truly happy in this life. Nothing was going to keep him from pursuing that vocation, that key to following God's will. Then, I look at his picture, completely at peace, drenched in a very tangible, visible happiness. I don't think that there's another picture that conveys such a pure sense of contentment, of true complete happiness. So, as I begin to consider my vocation, and understand that the best things in life are often those that are hard-fought, I take refuge in the story of St. Rafael, and I hope that someday there will be a picture of my wife and I where we look so happy, so content, so holy that others too may be inspired to follow their vocation, despite the intense suffering that sometimes comes along with pursuing it.

Missing

I can't find my watch,
I can't find my wallet,
So how in the hell am I supposed to find
The one that I love?
The one that I need?
Hidden so high
Buried so deep
Somewhere to run
Somewhere to go
And if I ever find her
How will I know?

A few years ago my good friend Melissa gave me this song by Jon McLaughlin called, "Amelia's Missing." I think the song itself is so interesting because he sings about not being able to find Crazy Horse, Hoffa and of course Amelia. These mysteriously elusive historical figures that no one is quite sure where they may be (if indeed they were still to be alive) just can't be pin-pointed. Yet, at the same time, he contrasts this with not being able to find such simple things as a watch and a wallet. These things that are so important for day-to-day living, have been misplaced, and he's not sure where they are, much like Crazy Horse, Hoffa and Amelia. He finally concludes by saying that if he can't find these people who are so elusive and hidden in history, and at the same time he can't find the bare necessities for the day-to-day, how can he find the one that he's supposed to love?

I think that this song is just so interesting because the picture he paints I think is ultimately one of sheer and utter confusion. This person that is set aside for us, that one person is so elusive, much like the people he mentions, yet at the same time that one person is so indispensable to living in the day to day, much like the wallet and the watch. The question he poses is one that really strikes a chord with me, "I can't find my watch, I can't find my wallet, so how in the hell am I supposed to find the one that I love?" In this continuing search for that one person, sometimes we find someone who stands out and are tempted to think, "This one...this might be it." Yet at the same time, how do we know? Ultimately, we don't. God doesn't give us a matching number, He doesn't step off of the throne into our love lives and say, "Hey, pay attention, this is it." It becomes so frustrating for those of us trying so ardently to be docile to the movement of the Holy Spirit, especially when our hearts have been broken and stepped on by the ones that were, "so good" or that we thought could work.

Isn't that the way of things though? Shouldn't there be a certain amount of uncertainty, otherwise where would the surprise be? What would happen to romance? I know several couples where the lady was decidedly unattracted to who they ended up with, but partially because of the surprise of it, partially because of being open to stepping outside of the box, they became truly happy with the men that pursued them. All they were trying to do was follow God's will, which is not mapped out crystal clearly for us all. This calls to mind Thomas Merton's prayer of abandonment, "But I believe the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing." Even the desire for the desire to follow His will, often, is sufficient. We may not have everything laid out in black and white, but that is the state of humanity. As we're searching for that person who just seems to be "missing" from our lives, it's so important to always trust in Him first, seek to please Him, and even the desire alone is pleasing to Him.