Meant

"Adam, then, was meant from the very first to live and breathe in unison with God, for just as the soul was the life of Adam's body, so the Spirit of God, swelling in Adam, was to be the life of his soul." -Thomas Merton

My soul is meant for union. That is it, nothing else should matter. Something I am slowly coming to realize is union is a painful process. Even if one were to think about melding two pieces of metal together, it requires the melting and forcing the two pieces together. It is certainly not a pleasant process. I think that might be what God is trying to do in me. He is melting away pieces of me. It hurts, and it is a very unsavory experience. This is my reality.

Despite the fact that I'm sure God is molding me to Himself, I still groan and complain. I look at these current sufferings as "prep" for something greater that God will do in me or give to me. I'm looking ahead for the gifts, for the peace, for God to make sense of my life again. My problem is that I'm not accepting the here and now as it is. I'm bearing my present state only for "something more" that God will do for me when right here and now He is inviting me into His passion. I should be more than ecstatic that God is trying in a powerful way to unite Himself with me by inviting me to share in His cross, yet all I'm looking for is the consolation. The actual Spirit of the living God is here and now trying to swell up to be the life of my soul. This is meant to be the life of my soul, this union with the Spirit of God. My very breath was meant to be in unison with my God, that was Adam's destiny, that was his reality, and God is trying to do that with me, but I don't like the pain. Honesty with God is important, and He knows the turmoil of my soul, and I think He is truly trying to help me to understand in a much deeper and personal level the meaning of the cross. This is me, this is my life, this is the state of my soul. God, rain down on me.

Heavy

These past few weeks have been very heavy... very, very heavy. I'm worried about next year, and I feel as if everything is slowly but surely slipping out of my control and out of my hands. I wake up in the mornings and literally the first thing I think is, "I'm never going to live with my best friends again, this sucks." Not the warmest way to start the day at all. Recently I can't help but feel as if I've been alienated from the three of them, and it simply hurts. There comes a time where you just simply want to ask God, "What the heck do you think You're doing?" There is a lot of fear in my heart in regards to next year, and I know that it is a silly thing to be afraid of but I'm terrified of being abandoned by everyone here who I've grown so incredibly close to, and yes, this all stems from being an RA next year, not only being an RA in St. Joseph's hall (which is part one of this feeling) but just being an RA in general, my life is going to be consumed by this job next year. I'm anxious and God simply isn't saying anything to me. I've been lacking in love lately, and I can feel it. I just don't put out my love like I used to, I don't feel like I'm receiving the love that I need. This simply confounds everything and makes the complex entangling of emotions ten times worse than it already is. 

Hebrews 10:31 says, "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." Right now, nothing rings truer in my life. I'm struggling with all of my might to stop worrying, to let myself love, to live in joy, but it seems incredibly difficult. I want to just be done, entirely, with school. It would almost be easier to graduate this year and be done with three years than stay here the extra year and watch painfully as friendships drift apart because of apathy. Granted, that may not happen, I may be looking ahead with too much doom and gloom but, let's be honest, history and experience speaks otherwise. Yes, these men I live with are incredible, and we are deeply connected, but my "best friends" in High School were the same way, they would have done anything for me and I would have done anything for them... then life happened and friendships began to become lax. My heart is heavy, heavier than it ever has been before.

Solitude

I don't know where I'm going,

The road ahead is hard to see,

I cannot know for certain,

Where You're leading me,

My own heart is a mystery,

And I'm unsure of Your will,

For my desire to please You,

Surely pleases still, 

Your voice warms winter's chill,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Yes, follow Me,

Lord I know if I follow,

You will lead me from fear,

So I will trust you always,

Knowing You are near,

My God is always near,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Yes, follow Me,

Lord I will trust You always,

Where else could I go?

I don't know where I'm going,

The road ahead is hard to see,

I cannot know for certain,

Where You're leading me,

I know You're leading me,

My God, please lead me

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Follow Me,

Yes, follow Me.

Tom Booth wrote this song, it's called, "Solitude Song (Follow Me)" and it's based off of a prayer by Thomas Merton. Let's be honest, my life sucks right now, from every possible aspect. My finances are falling apart, I legitimately think I could have clinical depression, and I've been put as an RA in the Joe, which in turn means that I will literally be living by myself next year. The rest of my brothers are going to move on without me and I can't help but think that this must be how Jesus felt when He was undergoing His passion. All of His friends left Him too. My heart is broken, it is writhing within me. Yesterday I was at a very dark place, a very very dark place. I legitimately considered turning to alcohol during the depressed state I was in, but then, the thoughts just kept getting darker and darker as the day went on. All of these terrible things are happening, and it sucks and my heart is hurting and in more pain than I think I've ever experienced and no one else can ever fucking imagine what is happening. My friends say things like, "We'll be fine next year, our friendship is strong enough." I couldn't help but think to myself the whole entire time, "Bullshit, it's easy for you all to say that when you're on the other side of the fence with each other to still have around, I'll be in exile in the Joe." I don't want to take this position, there is nothing within me that wants it, I don't want to do this. This song speaks to my heart, I don't know where I'm going, my own heart is a mystery, everything seems to be falling apart and right now it is especially hard to just follow. Please God, do something in me.