Peace

So, something incredibly exciting has recently happened in my life! I recently started dating a wonderful woman! Things just have fallen together so flawlessly in this past month or so that we've been talking, it's crazy to think about how radically my life has shifted within the past month and a half from where I was.

She and I met, went out on a date, and decided that we're giving this relationship thing a try. I cannot quite express the incredible cocktail of emotions that are bubbling up in my soul over-and-over in a thousand different ways, the best thing that I can express is quite simply this: peace. Every other relationship that I've ever tried to engage, I've found myself worrying, stressing, becoming anxious, wondering when time will "run out" before I'm left with a shattered heart once again. This one is so incredibly different. I don't worry about whether or not I'm attractive enough/ funny enough/ engaging enough with her, I just feel at peace whenever I think about her or am with her. It's ridiculous. This time it's been a complete trust in God, and finally, for once, I can legitimately say that I trust in everything that He is doing between us. We have handed ourselves over to His divine mercy, and we're trusting in Him.

I'm so at peace with her, I'm falling so incredibly hard for her. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm home. Jesus, we trust in You!

45 Days

I had a super-surreal experience last night. I was watching, "How I Met Your Mother." Admittedly, it is an absolutely terrible show, it's my trash television series that I don't admit to a ton of people that I watch. I've slogged through 7.5 seasons of Ted Mosby's story of trial-and-error in how he met his wife, and this one scene may have made the entire 7.5 seasons worth it. The premise of the episode is that Ted is deciding what to do on just another ordinary week night as the story unfolds he imagines what his future self would tell him about what he was up to that night. It culminates with him (or at least, a future version of him) running to the apartment of his future wife and making this speech. It's so heart-wrenching for me to watch because as I've been watching the story of Ted Mosby unfold, I realize that in a lot of ways I identify with him. I simply want to find someone that I can grow old with. The reality is though, I never know when I may meet the future Mrs. Hyland. It could be 45 minutes from now, 45 days from now, hell, even 45 years from now. I don't know. What I do know is that what Ted did and that speech he made resonated with me on a deep level. I mean, if I could get even 10 seconds with her right here, right now, I'd trade everything I have just for that. I want to be able to love her, with all that I am, unreservedly. I want it so terribly, and I hate being as sentimental and sappy as I am about this, but it's true. Whatever time I may have with whoever she is, I just am afraid will not be enough. I want to love her even now.

If that's the case, if I really want to love her even now, I need to change some things that are happening in my heart. I need to uproot some things that have resided within me for too long. I want to make myself right so that when I meet her 45 minutes from now, 45 days from now, even 45 years from now I'll be able to give her all of my heart unreservedly, completely, holding nothing back. Loving her begins now, and I think the gravity of that has finally sunk in.

Silhouette

So, I bought this song a shade over a year ago, I had heard it out on the radio somewhere and I was just taken with the guitar at the beginning. As I listen again to this song tonight, I'm simply struck with how heavy and beautiful and terrifying it is all at once. The clash of emotions that this song elicits within the very depths of my soul reminds me simply what it means to be human, what it means to love, what it means to be in touch with the reality that there is more to life than my the demons that haunt me. 

This song paints this beautiful picture of love in the turmoil of the storms of life. When things get rough, the chips are down and two people encounter the reality that all else is collapsing around them, there just needs to be someone there to catch them. This song paints a picture of love, love that is true love, a love that doesn't fly away with the difficulties, the type of love that sticks together through thick and thin, up and down, good and bad. The love that he's singing about here, is a love of the will.

As I look at the people around me getting married, having children and things of this nature, I have had to do a bit of soul searching to take honest inventory of who I really am. I have been forced to ask the tough question: am I capable of a love of the will? Am I capable of looking into the eyes of one woman for the rest of my life and being able to say honestly, "I am here, like a lighthouse for you, in the storm." I of course have to come to the conclusion that I am not capable of it on my own, I'm simply not. God, however, can do great things, even with a bruised, battered and broken person like myself, even make me capable of having that deep love of the will.

The key to this though, is that this type of love is indeed gracious, or, that is to say, a love that shows and embodies divine grace. This type of love I cannot have or possess on my own, however, Christ can choose to strengthen my will, can call me up to something greater, and give me someone to share that gracious love with.

For now, I simply wait.

Review

I was looking through my blog posts from the past couple years and I was saddened by what I saw. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, a lot of doubt, a lot of self-loathing and what scares me the most is a that there was a lot of hopelessness. I mean, how did I go from a place where I was content and happy in community in college to wanting to leave the Church in a matter of only three short years? I'm back in Phoenix now and I'm beginning to feel just the slightest hints of hope bubbling up within me. Do I need therapy? Yes, probably. Are there still lots of issues that I have to wrestle with? Demons I have to face? Absolutely. The key though is to remember that life isn't all valleys of sorrow, there can be rivers of joy.

Just this past week my best friend in the whole wide world had a baby! As I look at the pictures and heard his excitement, I knew that there was something amazing happening inside of him, something incredible that didn't just remain with him, but has even come to interact with me. This joy in the simple reality of life, of here and now, that there still are good things in the world. If I was to be completely honest with myself I would have to admit that I let that vision slip away from me. I came to doubt and question that reality, when all I was confronted with was anger and wrath from my co-worker and there was little to no positive support at all, no wonder my psyche became so fractured and broken. 

Yet even through the darkness, the rough patches and the heartache, God is still gently walks along side us in this deafening rhythm of life. He is constantly calling us to Himself and is never going to give up the fight. This is simply Who He is. God, I'm ready to be delivered from my darkness and brought to a river of joy once more. Come Holy Spirit.

Attire

"Rend your hearts, not your garments, and return to the Lord, your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love, and relenting in punishment." -Joel 2:13

I just have to write this because I need to get it off my chest. I hate when people get up in arms for attire at mass. Do not misunderstand, I'm not advocating for people to be able to walk into mass in bikinis and revealing outfits, but what I am saying is that when people get so caught up in dress that attire becomes a focal point, that's what I take issue with. I understand that the mass is where heaven meets earth, where the God of the universe makes Himself present in the holy Eucharist, and guess what, the beauty of Divine condescension is that God meets us where we're at. I go to mass in jeans and a shirt because that is who I authentically am, that is who I want to invite God into. When people make clothing such a huge fuss, it does not come off as a desire for a more intimate encounter and show of honor to God, it comes off as, "why are you not fitting my preconceived notion of what's appropriate?"

I was at mass this past weekend and an older gentleman came up to me and shook my hand sternly and proceeded to tell me off for my attire. He said, "You know this is the house of God, and you come dressed here like this?" I wanted to respond with everything I had, "I'm pretty sure that God cares more about the interior disposition of my heart than adhering to a notion of 'Sunday appropriate' attire." Jesus says to the Pharisees in scripture, "Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites. You are like whitewashed tombs, which appear beautiful on the outside, but inside are full of dead men's bones and every kind of filth." (Matthew 23:27). Make no mistake, modesty is necessary and an indispensable requirement of the liturgy, I'm not arguing for that here. What I AM arguing for, however, is an authenticity in approach to the liturgy. I come to mass as who I am, a broken, human individual in search of a true encounter with the living God, not a dressed up, empty appearance version of myself. I'm asked, "Don't you dress up for weddings?" my response is, "I do, begrudgingly, I can't wait for weddings to be over to change out of that asinine clothing." My desire, is to come to God in authenticity and openness, not in pride and an empty tradition of, "appropriate."

I would rather make sure that my heart is open, torn and ready than to appear at mass in an empty suit with no love. That, I believe, is what God cares about, not clothing.

Done.

I'm so done with this hell hole. Getting chewed out by my boss. Getting ratted out by the wench I work with when I was trying to look out for her? 

Fuck this.

I'm so done, I'm ready to be done with this place. The politics have jaded me, has made me become doubtful of beauty in the Church. When liturgy becomes your god and not Christ Himself, then something is wrong. White-washed sepulchres! This has just been a place of suspended animation, not worthwhile conversion of life. 

I never want to work with Rita again. NEVER! She's the worst co-worker I've ever had to deal with. She tells me she can't trust me?

That works out nicely because I can't trust her as far as I could throw her.

But I'll play the role that's expected of me in the political games of the parish.

I will NOT allow anyone here to degrade and deny me anymore. I will NOT be told that I'm mediocre or a monster. FUCK THAT!

Something

I'm going back to Phoenix for sure, at least for the time being. I have no idea what awaits me there, but all I can hope for is this: something beautiful.

I recently stumbled upon this song and I just feel it really connects with where I'm at in my heart of hearts right now. The lyric that sends chills up my spine without fail is, "I just want something beautiful to touch me, I know I am in reach, because I am down on my knees, waiting for something beautiful." I feel like I've been waiting for something beautiful for a while now. God is calling it out, drawing me into it, against the turmoil and uncertainty I know in my heart of hearts that something truly beautiful is awaiting right around the corner. It's just seeing around those corners that trips me out.

For the first time in a few years I feel like there is a glimmer of hope, like the world is opening up for me, that I can take the mess of this life that I'm in currently, turn it, change it and truly make it into something beautiful.

Lived.

What do I do now? I'm second-guessing my decision to leave here hard-core. I'm unsure of what's ahead whether I stay or leave here. I can't handle this tension, but I know I must live in it, I must thrive in it, I must embrace it like a long-known friend. I'm forced to face this almost metaphysical question of, "What will lead to the ultimate end from here?"

I hate it.

What will help me grow? What is God ultimately calling me to? The more and more I think about it, the more and more I think it's time to start a master's program. It's time to set myself up for what will be my ultimate career move into therapy. I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I struggle with the pains eating away at me, and yet pushing me forward. What will happen to my beloved teens?

The question becomes: do I trust Him?

It seems like it's been so long, like God and I are only professional acquaintances, not father and child like my soul so desperately desires. I know this to be my fault, I own up to it. I want to live, I want to look back at my life in the end and say, "I know I lived." God, give me the strength to do what I need to do, to overcome what obstacles I need to overcome, to embrace whatever crosses need embracing. 

University...

Confession time. I really want to go to school in California, why? I don't know exactly, a change of pace I suppose, but also, I just freaking love San Diego. I mean, I just have this visceral memory of being in San Diego and listening to Switchfoot's music, loving it, eating it up and simply bathing in how awesome it was! I was telling Carey Kangas last night, "I want to go to the University of San Diego, but, I don't know." Then, Carey said the simplest thing to me, "What's stopping you?"

It was one of those "Dare You to Move" moments. Could I make it into the University of San Diego? Maybe, maybe not. How the heck will I ever know if I don't try? There's nothing stopping me but my own insecurities, and this time...

Insecurities be damned.

Done.

Tonight I told the teens that I'm leaving. It was a heart-wrenching announcement, but one that had to be done. By the good grace of God, Rita was absent tonight. It killed me looking at the faces of those teens and having to tell them I was leaving.

They're a part of me now.

I feel like I've screwed up so often in ministry, that I'm such a huge failure and that I should just consider cleaning the slate with the hands of uncertainty, but the funniest thing happened tonight. They all were super supportive, and were so full of love. They encouraged me, thanked me, reached out and hugged me. Everything that I've been missing these past few years all culminated in one big announcement.

This sucks. I really don't want to leave any of the teens, I want to kill the church politics, I want to stop working with Rita, but for the love of everything good and holy, I don't want to leave the teens. They've done so much for me, they've changed me.

What have I done?

"Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened."

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

Faith family, this is not an easy piece to write about, but I must do so. It is with a mixed bag of joy, sorrow, hope and gratitude that I inform you that I am stepping down from the youth ministry position here at St. Thomas Aquinas. This was a difficult decision to come to, but one I felt compelled by the Holy Spirit to make. I hope someday you, yes, you reading this, and I can sit down on a patio together sipping sweet tea (which is always so much more delicious in the summer) and I can share the marvelous story with you of how  God guided me through this decision. It has all the essential elements to make a great story: mystery, suspense, humor and an important moral at the end! It really is quite wonderful.

I will be leaving the position here at the end of June to seek out another adventure, my main hope being going on to graduate school so I can pursue a degree in marriage and family therapy. I don't know where God will ultimately lead me, but I trust entirely in His Divine Providence that good things will happen not only in my life but also in the life of the ministry here at St. Thomas Aquinas.

I have learned so much from all of you during my time here! The friendships I've made, the relationships I've formed have changed me so deeply and I am sad to be departing from such a wonderful family! You've been with me through the ups and the downs of the last few years and all I can say is: thank-you.

Thank-you for the smiles.

Thank-you for the tears of joy.

Thank-you for listening to me tell the same old stories time and time again.

Thank-you for never giving up on me, even when I felt tempted to give up on myself.

Thank-you for helping me study and grow in the school of love.

As we all collectively move forward, I ask you simply remember the words of Dr. Seuss, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." You all will be greatly missed but instead of looking at this as a parting of ways, I'd much rather consider it a, "See you soon!" Know that you all will forever and always continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, and I humbly ask that you would also keep me in yours!

Forever indebted to your love,

John

Rage.

I have been at the receiving end of a wrathful rage for the past three years I've been here. I believe intentions started out well enough, but have since escalated to something else entirely. I am so done working with Rita. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the drama that always seems to circulate around her, I'm tired of the anger and wrath that I receive ever constantly. It's time that this stops. Pray that I can have the strength to stand my ground to help protect the ministry.

Depression

So, I think I've entered a major depressive state.

Someone get me some meds, please? hahahaha...


But seriously, I need some help.

Quit

I've decided something really exciting and terrifying all at once. This week, I'm putting in my resignation, and I'm getting the hell out of New Mexico, back to where there's some love for me, back to where I can see some beauty in the Church again. I drove to work today and was feeling this dark cloud hovering over me, once again (what else is new?). A few cars in front of me, I saw the most incredible thing, the license plate said plain as day, "Quit Job." I laughed and thought, "How strange, but today I'm feeling decent, despite my constant state of worry." Then, I walked in, and Rita proceeded to chew me out once more calling me a "dick" of all things. Then I knew, right then and there: the time has come for me to go. I'm tired of making myself a villain in my own mind, I'm tired of being shoved face-first into my own faults repeatedly over and over again, despite my best efforts to try and move forward, I'm tired of constantly feeling guilty for not, "measuring up." Guess what?

That's it, I'm forgiving myself, I'm not going to beat myself up any longer, I'm not going to allow the depressive triad to overwhelm me and break my spirit. This place is toxic, Rita has become the epicenter of all my self-doubt, and I'm fucking sick of it. The parish is a shell, a clanging cymbal, an empty sound from which no love comes. When my faith, my psychological health, and my very wellbeing comes into question, when there is no joy, no hope, no love, that serves as the ultimate sign. No more, not at all. Life is calling, and this time, I'm answering.

Awakening

"Remember not the events of the past;

The things of long ago consider not;

See, I am doing something new!

Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?" -Isaiah 43:18

I don't have to live my life for anyone else, or let someone else write the script of my life. I am called to be a follower of Christ, not to be concerned with what others designate as "appropriate" for me. If I need counseling, damn it, I'm going to go get it. If I need to leave New Mexico, damn it, I'm going to leave. My sins, my weaknesses, do not need to continue to have a chokehold over me, it's time to wake up, and start new. Welcome back, John, I'm glad to see me again. :)

Echoes

I had this surreal experience this afternoon. I went to confession after work and was in tears as I was in confession, feeling so beaten and tired, then after I went to kneel down and pray my penance this song just started welling up in my heart. The only line that kept echoing in my heart was, "I am nothing without You." I was driving home and I just listened to this song on repeat the entire drive home and I was so moved by it, so simple, and yet, it completely rocked me to my core. To the point where teardrops were running down my face as I was praying along with this song.

I admit it, I am nothing...

without Him.

Burn

Too good not to share...

Somehow

I know that over the past couple years I've referenced this video a lot, but, now, at this moment, it connects with me on a visceral level. 

I think it's time for me to leave full time youth ministry.

I'm terrified, anxious and more than anything inexhaustibly excited. I feel like this past month something has finally clicked with me, something so simple it's ridiculous I didn't recognize it before. What I've realized is this: I don't need anyone else's approval or permission to live my life. The simple reality is that faults have weighed on my confidence, they've made me second guess myself at every turn, my sins have stolen my innocence repeatedly over and over again and when I think about how short life is, it just dawned on me, now is the time to seek what I love. I love studying psychology, I love being able to sit face-to-face with people and try to work through their problems with them it's like, something that is so intrinsically placed in my heart-of-hearts. I want to go into counseling psychology. God, I think, has been distant to make me uncomfortable, make me second-guess what's happening in my life and making me truly re-evaluate where I'm at, and what's happening in my soul.

I'm tired of hiding in the walls of my insecurities and allowing every voice that arises stoke and foster doubts in my heart. I'm done with it, and you know what, there's an incredible freedom that arises when I think about being able to go back to school, dive into studying once more and then move forward in my life. Hope will buy me another day! The hope that this isn't where the train ends, the hope that I can move forward and seek to grow as a human being and conquer my doubts, fears and anxieties in a community of love. My soul is in darkness, but God, just see me through this night, see me through this fight, and I will rise anew to serve You with a reinvigorated heart once more.

Back

I'm elated to be able to push back now. I'm tired of being walked over, of being underrated and unappreciated. I'm tired of being hated because of my humanity. I think the time may be upon me to stand up, get up and leave. This is terrifying, but exhilarating all at once. Time to get myself back.

Nights

"Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?"

Great question.