Right.

     Lately, I've been feeling like this.

      Sometimes I just wish I could do something right.

Tightrope

     Last week I was itching for some new music. I was just wanting something fresh to invade my earlobes and give me something entertaining to be able to listen to during my drives to and fro across New Mexico. I bought Alex Clare's album, "The Lateness of the Hour" on a whim, and my simple desire for some new tunes, God decided to use this desire to be able to connect with where I'm at right now.

     I look around at my heart and I have these dark spots that threaten to overrun me, my faults continually whisper in the back of my head, telling me, "You are only the sum of your weaknesses and failures." Even though I've been wrestling with this, God says differently. Isaiah 41 came to mind today during an especially tough bout with this temptation towards allowing my weaknesses define me, press me into the ground, and ultimately push me out of ministry and into collapse. The Lord says, "Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." This passage, this song, this state of life I find myself in all resounds one thing: Fear not, failure happens, God redeems.

     Life is a tightrope, and one thing that is for certain is that you will fail. Whether it be in small ways, or big ways it doesn't matter, you will fall. The key to failure, however, is to get back up and to walk forward without looking back, without becoming a slave to fear. This is the astounding message of the cross, this is the indescribable love that changes hearts, that changes us. God's love is bigger than our faults, or failings, and He knows we will fail. The thing is though, God is always waiting for us to return, and once we've picked ourselves back up, He expects us to move forward, to not let the sins of yesterday define our tomorrows eternally. His death and resurrection defines our tomorrows.

     God knows our ability to fall, in fact, He is so very well aware of it that He continually pushes this idea of continuous conversion back to Him. In Isaiah 41:13 it says, "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'" The question becomes, do we believe God and take Him at His word? When we fall, do we allow Him to take our hands and help us back up? Again, all I can say is: Fear not, failure happens, God redeems. Life's a tightrope, but God helps us across to reach Him in eternity.

Doorway

I went to a concert this fall to see MUTEMATH, and this band opened for them called, "Civil Twilight." This song just took ahold of me and grabbed me from the very beginning. The lyrics are haunting, enticing and challenging all at once. What really continues to smack me across the face is the line, "Come in, I've never wanted anything like I want you." The challenge lies in the steps of invitation, the need to voice and put out point blank, "I want you." It's scary, and more often than not, the mere thought of it leaves us trembling. In any relationship there has to be a certain amount of vulnerability, a certain amount of wearing your heart on your sleeve and hoping to be loved as you are.

It is terrifying to be vulnerable, absolutely heart-wrenching to be honest. I consider all the opportunities I've passed over in my life because I was just too scared to be vulnerable, to put myself out there, to risk. Standing at the doorway, more often than not, my response is silence and drifting away rather than, "Come in, I've never wanted anything like I want you." There are a lot of issues at play in my heart when it comes to this but the overwhelming fear that just cripples me is, "I'm not good enough."

It leaves me with a simple, honest question, "would anybody ever come in to my heart, if I were to ask?"

I may never know.

Brennaman

I am Albert Brennaman. Seriously.