Real

Today I found my first apartment. I filed the application, I spent the morning searching and found a nice place to settle down in for the next year. God blessed me a lot today, but there's a part of me that is whispering, "I don't know if I'm going to be happy here." This is along the same lines of taking the position at St. Joseph hall last year, it seemed like the less-than-ideal situation, but it ended up being the best thing for me. At a time that I should be excited and happy, I can't help but feel scared, anxious and alone.

As silly and unfounded as it sounds, I can't help but think about her. I can't help but consider how my heart just aches for her. I continually ask for God to just purify my heart and remove this desire if it's not from Him, but it seems half-hearted sometimes, and when it was heartfelt truly, it seemed that He spoke differently to my heart. I talk with her, my heart still skips a beat. I receive a text from her, I can't help but smile. I got a phone call from her the other day and the mere fact that she called me sent me to cloud nine. I can't explain it, I can't understand it, it's just there. What has my heart done to me? I don't understand myself anymore. 

As much as this is bizarre and weird, when I think about her, when I think about how much I just want to pursue her, I've never felt so real. It is so strange, but I feel more human, more in touch with what it really means to be alive when I think about pursuing this girl. This is all completely unfounded, completely without any spark from her, completely foolish, I know, but that is simply how it is, that is where my heart is speaking right now. I keep bringing it to God, and all that I can pray is, "You know this is good... just for once let what I want be what You want too..." Foolish? Selfish? Impossible? Yes, maybe, but maybe even more than that it's just...real.