Wrestle

"After he had taken them across the stream and had brought over all his possessions, Jacob was left there alone. Then some man wrestled with him until the break of dawn. When the man saw that he could not prevail over him, he struck Jacob's hip at its socket, so that the hip socket was wrenched as they wrestled. The man then said, 'Let me go, for it is daybreak.' But Jacob said, 'I will not let you go until you bless me.' 'What is your name?' the man asked. He answered, 'Jacob.' Then the man said, 'You shall no longer be spoken of as Jacob, but as Israel, because you have contended with divine and human beings and have prevailed.'" -Genesis 32:24-29

Why is it that there's this idea among religious people that Christianity is always happy or that Christianity is always simply walking with God? Sometimes you just have to wrestle, sometimes you just have to fight, sometimes you can't simply sit back and accept passively the circumstances of life that God has allowed to come your way. God is supposed to be bigger than us, so He should be able to handle our fighting, our wrestling with Him, just like Jacob.

Ever have the feeling that you're alone? The scripture here specifically notes that, "Jacob was left there alone." How often do we look around at the messy circumstances of life and just feel utterly alone? All of our possessions mean nothing, those closest to us can't understand the depths of our turmoil because quite simply they are not in our shoes. I understand Jacob's plight, the feeling of just being left alone. Then, God Himself came and began to wrestle with Jacob. Jacob must have been a good wrestler because the scripture notes here that, "the man" could not prevail over him. God ("the man") wrenched Jacob's hip at the socket, causing Jacob probably excruciating pain, yet Jacob persisted, "I will not let you go until you bless me."

Sometimes I just want to wrestle with God. I just want to be pissed off with Him, I just want to force Him to the ground and prevail, especially when things aren't going how I had anticipated them. He breaks my heart over and over and over and over again, why I'm not entirely sure, but all I want to do is scream back, "I will not let you go until you bless me!" Mute Math has this song called, "The Fight" and the chorus goes:

"Just see me through the night,
Just see me through the fight,
Somehow."

Jacob was left alone, in the dark, with nothing and no one to understand him. I feel the same way, like I've been left alone, in the dark, with nothing. It was through that night, through that fight, that Jacob came to become someone greater than he could have imagined. I suppose my time to be Jacob has come, and I'm calling out to God, "Just see me through the night, just see me through the fight," letting Him know of my anger, my bitterness, my vindictiveness, and my absolute fury so that He can wrestle with me about it. Mute Math's song has a verse that always makes me twinge and contemplate:

Maybe hope will buy us another day
And time will fix what I can't erase
But it all feels millions of miles away
I don't think I'll get there anyway

Hope will buy us another day? What happens when you don't really want any hope? What happens when you just don't want to "give it time?" How does that work? What does that look like? Wrestling with God is my life right now. See me through the fight, somehow.

Fight

"Just see me through the night,
Just see me through the fight,
Somehow"

The past few days have been a medley of switching between Eminem and MUTEMATH. I've found my spot in this space where I'm absolutely livid, completely and utterly pissed at God and the cards He's dealt me. I scream, I cry, I ask, "Why the fuck do you do this to me?" and "What's the matter with me?" and "Where ARE You?" only to be met with the pounding of the blood echoing in my ears. My heart has been shattered, and I'm sick of being placed in these situations that this happens. I continually seek His face, I continually wish only His will, and call for His guidance in all of my undertakings and my affections, the love that I long to just share with another person is shoved back into my face time and time again. I'm fighting with God, I toss and turn all night, I am not sure of His love for me any longer. People may say, "Don't ever doubt God's love," or, "He has a plan for you." Life's circumstances have forced me to conclude one of two things, either: 1. circumstances of life are not scripted, the God that Augustine and Aquinas so vehemently advocated is nothing but a misunderstanding or 2. God's just a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and we're the ants. I'm so tired of this, I'm so tired of the heartache, I'm tired of putting myself out there trying hard to hold hard and tight to the idea that my heart is good enough to give to someone else. Lies, all it is is a bunch of fucking lies. I'm in the heat of the fight, and I don't know who will win.

God, why? God where is my heart? What is so wrong with me? Why do you break me so? I'm in the middle of this fight... and as much as I want to cut You out, I want You to hold me. Clipping, by MUTEMATH adequately sums up how I feel:

Anymore, I don't know who to fight anymore
I don't know what is right anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know how to feel anymore
I don't know what is real anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know who to trust anymore
I don't know what I want anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know who to blame anymore
I don't know what to say anymore, anymore

If God is God, then He'll meet me here. He'll fucking find me right here, and He'll sit with me. IF He is Who He says He is. If He's so big, then He can handle my anger, He can handle my frustration, He can handle the fact that now I just want to swear off of ever loving anyone else ever again.

Used

No more pain
Bitch you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt
I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it

She broke my heart, she shoved everything I was giving to her back into my face. She told me, "All those things I said, all those things I did, I meant them at the time, but I just don't think that this can work out, I don't have feelings for you in that way." Why the fuck does this always happen to me? God had given me so much peace, He had been telling me to move forward, to just let go, and trust He'd take care of it. No more. Not again. I will not be taken for granted ever again. In fact, I will not pursue or give my heart to another woman until the Lord Jesus Himself cracks open the skies and says to me, "I want you to love her, be with her." I am someone who does not deserve this shit, I can no longer stand it, and damn it I deserve respect.

Break

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."
-Hebrews 10:31

Is your life your own? Do you seek out God's will in all and everything you do? Do you offer all of yourself to God unreservedly? When I was in high school I had a very difficult time accepting this idea that God really loved me. In my mind, as I looked at all of the things that I continually did wrong and all of the places that I just "wasn't good enough," these things warranted not God's love, but God's wrath. There was a very real part of me that I intentionally held back from handing over to God. I had accepted this notion that God simply wanted the best of me, all of the brokenness, pain, and doubt needed to be left out of the arena of our relationship. If I was completely honest with myself, I was absolutely terrified to let God into those dark recesses of my heart, the brokenness of my soul because I was convinced that God didn't want that. I mean, in the Old Testament it was continually noted that the first-born, unblemished lamb was the acceptable sacrifice to the Lord (Exodus 12:5). As I considered my life I knew that I was far from being unblemished. For me, it was terrifying to consider allowing God to meet me in those places of my weakness and sinfulness. I lived a very compartmentalized life. I had my "God-face" and I had the "real me" that I was convinced I was hiding from God. I was not really living, I was merely existing.

The movie "Garden State" paints a similar picture. The protagonist's life is highly medicated, completely numb, and absolutely void of any real meaning; much like how I felt about my own life. There is one song in the movie inparticular that really challenges and pushes against this "sterile" and "compartmentalized" lifestyle.

Let go, that was the key. There's this idea floating out there that God only wants what's perfect in us, He only wants the good we have, not our bad and our ugly. Something that I came to realize over time was this: God wants all of us, unadulterated and complete. In His ministry, Jesus didn't seek out the righteous and healthy, he came for the sick. He says to the Pharisees, "Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do. I have not come to call the righteous to repentance but sinners." -Luke 5:31-32.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God, because it is in doing so that we come to acknowledge all of our faults, all of our failures, all of those things that are less-than-acceptable to those around us. The song above has one of the most incredible lyrics I think I've ever heard, "there's beauty in the break-down." When we come to the Lord unreservedly, we come to Him with our break-downs. It's only in approaching Him in that way, in letting go and falling into His hands that we have what he wants to give us, true life. Jesus says, "I came so that they may have life and have it more abundantly." -John 10:10. Rob Bell, an evangelical pastor from Michigan, said once, "The essence of salvation is crying out to God and admitting, 'I don't have it all together.' It's admitting, 'I am lost, I am hurting and this sinful nature that I carry around with me has really screwed things up for me and God if You don't show me the way home, if You don't fix things, if You don't step in, I am dying here." Our souls need to fall into the hands of the living God completely and allow Him to meet us in those deep, dark places: no matter how fearful it may be for us. He just wants to love us, completely, totally and unconditionally. Ultimately, it may be a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God, but I submit that it is a far more fearful thing to not fall into the hands of the living God.

Here

"I would rather be here, with her, in this moment,
than anywhere else in the universe" -Rob Bell

As much as I may have had a taste of this feeling that Rob is talking about on Wednesday, last night I got a full dose of it and it's left me walking on cloud nine today. Last night that lovely lady that has captivated me came by my place and made rum balls with me. The entire night was on-and-off flirting. Gazing into her eyes, listening to the sound of her voice, just being in her presence made last night incredible. We talked about our worries and anxieties, we re-affirmed each other and continued to push forward in this delicate dance of discovering the love we may both have been waiting for. I told her plainly, "You are like a lily among the thorns to me." She told me she appreciated how gentle, patient and caring I've been towards her. She even said to me, "I am so thankful for how patient you've been towards someone who is just not ready yet." The conversation danced between the silly and pointless to the serious and intimate. Towards the end of the night I turned away from her and put my head on her shoulder and she laid her head on my own and I began to softly stroke her arm. It was silent aside from the gentle sound of running water from my coffee table decor, there was just so much peace and joy deep within my soul and I never wanted it to end. I told her, "Ashley, I'd rather be here, with you, at this moment than anywhere else." She nuzzled into me and I asked if that was too forward which she responded with a shake of her head. She asked me, "Is it unfair that my heart isn't free yet?" to which I responded, "No, because I'll keep pursuing you until you know what's happening." The most intense thing she asked me that night was, "What if your future wife doesn't understand your soul like Melissa or Shannon or Dana?" To which I responded, "It wouldn't matter, in fact, I think there's a beauty to her not completely understanding my soul, because that leaves room for us to fall in love with each other more and more each day." I never wanted it to end, I wanted to just stay suspended in that moment, and my heart has really come to realize how deeply I love her. I just want to be here, with her, rather than anywhere else in the universe.

Idiosyncrasies

I'm watching Good Will Hunting right now and I think that one of my favorite parts of the movie is when Will and Sean are starting to talk. Sean starts talking about his wife's little quirks. He makes the point that no one is perfect, the question is, are you perfect for each other? I think that this is so beautiful, so true. We all have these little quirks, cracks in our "acceptable" selves but love is being able to be all of who we are with that person, being broken and human and allowing them to be the same with us in return. What an incredible idea, love is love is love, despite the imperfections, in fact, because of the imperfections. The little idiosyncrasies, Sean notes, were the things that he loved and remembered the most about his wife because they are what made her his. What an incredible idea. I want to love and be loved because of the idiosyncrasies.

It

The past few days have been interesting to say the least. As each moment passes me by and as I consider all the things that have been happening between us, I feel like I'm getting a clearer and clearer picture that she is it. Crazy? Maybe. The simple fact remains plain though, I think and believe that she is the one I've been waiting for, the one that I've been dreaming about, the one who I want to share the entirety of my life with unreservedly.

The other day I was in prayer and was just trying to figure out what God is doing in this situation. I asked Him, point blank, "Is she it?" The response I received was plain and simple, "Let yourself fall in love, everything from your past has been preparing you for this." I left prayer hesitant to say the least, thoughts shot through my head, "How in the world can this be? I've only known her for four months." We're not even dating, at least not officially, yet there is this deep peace within my soul whenever I am with her. Every time I lay eyes on her all I can think is, "She is my lily among the thorns." There's this overwhelming desire to just be with her, I don't care what we're doing, just as long as she's by my side. Hundreds of thousands of little things, quite honestly, make me love her more and more each day and it is the single most joyful experience of my life.

Today I was walking back to my car from the office and she had shown up to the church randomly for that portion of the afternoon, she stepped out of the car and was wearing this beautiful ensemble that simply cannot be described, perhaps the closest description would be, "breath-taking." She got out of her car and embraced me. We talked briefly, then she began to shiver as she was calling her mother, I stepped closer and asked her, "Can I just do this right now?" and wrapped my arms around her to keep her from being too cold. As I was holding her in my arms, and she was talking on the phone with her mother all of the sudden it just hit me...I never wanted it to end. That moment, however brief it was, could have just continued on and on and on, and I would have been okay with just being frozen right there. I gave her another embrace good-bye as I went home to change out of my more formal attire and as I was taking my shirt off I noticed that there was a lipstick stain on the collar of my shirt, right where her head was. I stopped, thought about the simplicity and beauty of all that happened and it came to me, it all clicked, just like I'd been hoping that it would someday. Rob Bell spoke about when he and his wife first went out and there was that anticipation and that mystery and that beginning love that was there and he said of it, "I thought, 'I'd rather be here, with her, at this moment, than anywhere else in the universe.'" That was what had happened, that was what clicked, I'm not afraid to love her, and that in and of itself is significant enough to prove to me that there is something bigger going on than just another infatuation. The thought of not seeing her every day for the rest of my life simply devastated me. It is now time to be patient and hope and pray ever more vigilantly that I'm not misreading these things and that she is it. How could this be? "For nothing will be impossible with God." -Luke 1:37