Break

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."
-Hebrews 10:31

Is your life your own? Do you seek out God's will in all and everything you do? Do you offer all of yourself to God unreservedly? When I was in high school I had a very difficult time accepting this idea that God really loved me. In my mind, as I looked at all of the things that I continually did wrong and all of the places that I just "wasn't good enough," these things warranted not God's love, but God's wrath. There was a very real part of me that I intentionally held back from handing over to God. I had accepted this notion that God simply wanted the best of me, all of the brokenness, pain, and doubt needed to be left out of the arena of our relationship. If I was completely honest with myself, I was absolutely terrified to let God into those dark recesses of my heart, the brokenness of my soul because I was convinced that God didn't want that. I mean, in the Old Testament it was continually noted that the first-born, unblemished lamb was the acceptable sacrifice to the Lord (Exodus 12:5). As I considered my life I knew that I was far from being unblemished. For me, it was terrifying to consider allowing God to meet me in those places of my weakness and sinfulness. I lived a very compartmentalized life. I had my "God-face" and I had the "real me" that I was convinced I was hiding from God. I was not really living, I was merely existing.

The movie "Garden State" paints a similar picture. The protagonist's life is highly medicated, completely numb, and absolutely void of any real meaning; much like how I felt about my own life. There is one song in the movie inparticular that really challenges and pushes against this "sterile" and "compartmentalized" lifestyle.

Let go, that was the key. There's this idea floating out there that God only wants what's perfect in us, He only wants the good we have, not our bad and our ugly. Something that I came to realize over time was this: God wants all of us, unadulterated and complete. In His ministry, Jesus didn't seek out the righteous and healthy, he came for the sick. He says to the Pharisees, "Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do. I have not come to call the righteous to repentance but sinners." -Luke 5:31-32.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God, because it is in doing so that we come to acknowledge all of our faults, all of our failures, all of those things that are less-than-acceptable to those around us. The song above has one of the most incredible lyrics I think I've ever heard, "there's beauty in the break-down." When we come to the Lord unreservedly, we come to Him with our break-downs. It's only in approaching Him in that way, in letting go and falling into His hands that we have what he wants to give us, true life. Jesus says, "I came so that they may have life and have it more abundantly." -John 10:10. Rob Bell, an evangelical pastor from Michigan, said once, "The essence of salvation is crying out to God and admitting, 'I don't have it all together.' It's admitting, 'I am lost, I am hurting and this sinful nature that I carry around with me has really screwed things up for me and God if You don't show me the way home, if You don't fix things, if You don't step in, I am dying here." Our souls need to fall into the hands of the living God completely and allow Him to meet us in those deep, dark places: no matter how fearful it may be for us. He just wants to love us, completely, totally and unconditionally. Ultimately, it may be a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God, but I submit that it is a far more fearful thing to not fall into the hands of the living God.