Fight

"Just see me through the night,
Just see me through the fight,
Somehow"

The past few days have been a medley of switching between Eminem and MUTEMATH. I've found my spot in this space where I'm absolutely livid, completely and utterly pissed at God and the cards He's dealt me. I scream, I cry, I ask, "Why the fuck do you do this to me?" and "What's the matter with me?" and "Where ARE You?" only to be met with the pounding of the blood echoing in my ears. My heart has been shattered, and I'm sick of being placed in these situations that this happens. I continually seek His face, I continually wish only His will, and call for His guidance in all of my undertakings and my affections, the love that I long to just share with another person is shoved back into my face time and time again. I'm fighting with God, I toss and turn all night, I am not sure of His love for me any longer. People may say, "Don't ever doubt God's love," or, "He has a plan for you." Life's circumstances have forced me to conclude one of two things, either: 1. circumstances of life are not scripted, the God that Augustine and Aquinas so vehemently advocated is nothing but a misunderstanding or 2. God's just a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and we're the ants. I'm so tired of this, I'm so tired of the heartache, I'm tired of putting myself out there trying hard to hold hard and tight to the idea that my heart is good enough to give to someone else. Lies, all it is is a bunch of fucking lies. I'm in the heat of the fight, and I don't know who will win.

God, why? God where is my heart? What is so wrong with me? Why do you break me so? I'm in the middle of this fight... and as much as I want to cut You out, I want You to hold me. Clipping, by MUTEMATH adequately sums up how I feel:

Anymore, I don't know who to fight anymore
I don't know what is right anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know how to feel anymore
I don't know what is real anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know who to trust anymore
I don't know what I want anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know who to blame anymore
I don't know what to say anymore, anymore

If God is God, then He'll meet me here. He'll fucking find me right here, and He'll sit with me. IF He is Who He says He is. If He's so big, then He can handle my anger, He can handle my frustration, He can handle the fact that now I just want to swear off of ever loving anyone else ever again.