Heavy

Why is everything so heavy? 

I'm currently in a state of flux. Somewhere between peace and chaos, between sanity and lunacy, between happiness and fear. Why is everything so heavy?

As my time in youth ministry comes to a close, I am beginning to feel the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. My wife, my child on its way, they're both counting on me. Yet, here I sit, incapable of doing what I need to do. Crippled by the idea that I'm simply not good enough, that my pursuing a master's degree was a humongous waste of time. My credentials don't stack up, despite the fact that I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, despite the fact that I worked my ass off to learn new competencies to make myself a good job candidate. 

It's just not enough.

The reality is that I know youth ministry has held me back. It's crippled my ability to prove what I know, it's become a place that's simply too comfortable. It's not expanding my horizons or challenging me to be better, it's just something to eat away at my time. Yet, that time brought with it a paycheck, and now I face the very real possibility of being unemployed and unable to find new work. Where has God gone in all of this? Is He abandoning me?