Wrestling

I've still been wrestling with my emotions. I left Benedictine and I'm home now for spring break and I left BC being informed that I hurt one of my good friends unintentionally. I'm feeling a mix of guilt, and anger. Then there is the whole problem with the emotions flaring up on the retreat that I'm still trying to work my way through. My heart is restless, that's the best way to put it. I just want to give my heart to the lady that God has set aside for me. Waiting has become increasingly difficult as of late, but I trust that God is using this time to prepare us for each other. 

Until the day comes when we are finally together, all I can do is offer up this heartache for her. Song of Songs 2:7 says, "Do not arouse, do not stir up love before its own time" I need to sit with this heartache and allow it to teach me what I must learn from it. I cannot try to push this pain aside, ignore it or pretend as if it doesn't exist. All things are ordered towards God's ultimate plan. It is not my place to try and stir up feelings of love before God has deemed it time for me. Instead of fighting this pain or simply channelling it towards trying to sprout feelings for someone else, I should simply sit in silence and bear this. I need to embrace this heartache as my cross right now and come before my God and ask, "What are You teaching me, Lord, what is it You wish for me to learn?" Because, it is only in dying with Him that we are able to rise with Him.