Break

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."
-Hebrews 10:31

Is your life your own? Do you seek out God's will in all and everything you do? Do you offer all of yourself to God unreservedly? When I was in high school I had a very difficult time accepting this idea that God really loved me. In my mind, as I looked at all of the things that I continually did wrong and all of the places that I just "wasn't good enough," these things warranted not God's love, but God's wrath. There was a very real part of me that I intentionally held back from handing over to God. I had accepted this notion that God simply wanted the best of me, all of the brokenness, pain, and doubt needed to be left out of the arena of our relationship. If I was completely honest with myself, I was absolutely terrified to let God into those dark recesses of my heart, the brokenness of my soul because I was convinced that God didn't want that. I mean, in the Old Testament it was continually noted that the first-born, unblemished lamb was the acceptable sacrifice to the Lord (Exodus 12:5). As I considered my life I knew that I was far from being unblemished. For me, it was terrifying to consider allowing God to meet me in those places of my weakness and sinfulness. I lived a very compartmentalized life. I had my "God-face" and I had the "real me" that I was convinced I was hiding from God. I was not really living, I was merely existing.

The movie "Garden State" paints a similar picture. The protagonist's life is highly medicated, completely numb, and absolutely void of any real meaning; much like how I felt about my own life. There is one song in the movie inparticular that really challenges and pushes against this "sterile" and "compartmentalized" lifestyle.

Let go, that was the key. There's this idea floating out there that God only wants what's perfect in us, He only wants the good we have, not our bad and our ugly. Something that I came to realize over time was this: God wants all of us, unadulterated and complete. In His ministry, Jesus didn't seek out the righteous and healthy, he came for the sick. He says to the Pharisees, "Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do. I have not come to call the righteous to repentance but sinners." -Luke 5:31-32.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God, because it is in doing so that we come to acknowledge all of our faults, all of our failures, all of those things that are less-than-acceptable to those around us. The song above has one of the most incredible lyrics I think I've ever heard, "there's beauty in the break-down." When we come to the Lord unreservedly, we come to Him with our break-downs. It's only in approaching Him in that way, in letting go and falling into His hands that we have what he wants to give us, true life. Jesus says, "I came so that they may have life and have it more abundantly." -John 10:10. Rob Bell, an evangelical pastor from Michigan, said once, "The essence of salvation is crying out to God and admitting, 'I don't have it all together.' It's admitting, 'I am lost, I am hurting and this sinful nature that I carry around with me has really screwed things up for me and God if You don't show me the way home, if You don't fix things, if You don't step in, I am dying here." Our souls need to fall into the hands of the living God completely and allow Him to meet us in those deep, dark places: no matter how fearful it may be for us. He just wants to love us, completely, totally and unconditionally. Ultimately, it may be a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God, but I submit that it is a far more fearful thing to not fall into the hands of the living God.

Here

"I would rather be here, with her, in this moment,
than anywhere else in the universe" -Rob Bell

As much as I may have had a taste of this feeling that Rob is talking about on Wednesday, last night I got a full dose of it and it's left me walking on cloud nine today. Last night that lovely lady that has captivated me came by my place and made rum balls with me. The entire night was on-and-off flirting. Gazing into her eyes, listening to the sound of her voice, just being in her presence made last night incredible. We talked about our worries and anxieties, we re-affirmed each other and continued to push forward in this delicate dance of discovering the love we may both have been waiting for. I told her plainly, "You are like a lily among the thorns to me." She told me she appreciated how gentle, patient and caring I've been towards her. She even said to me, "I am so thankful for how patient you've been towards someone who is just not ready yet." The conversation danced between the silly and pointless to the serious and intimate. Towards the end of the night I turned away from her and put my head on her shoulder and she laid her head on my own and I began to softly stroke her arm. It was silent aside from the gentle sound of running water from my coffee table decor, there was just so much peace and joy deep within my soul and I never wanted it to end. I told her, "Ashley, I'd rather be here, with you, at this moment than anywhere else." She nuzzled into me and I asked if that was too forward which she responded with a shake of her head. She asked me, "Is it unfair that my heart isn't free yet?" to which I responded, "No, because I'll keep pursuing you until you know what's happening." The most intense thing she asked me that night was, "What if your future wife doesn't understand your soul like Melissa or Shannon or Dana?" To which I responded, "It wouldn't matter, in fact, I think there's a beauty to her not completely understanding my soul, because that leaves room for us to fall in love with each other more and more each day." I never wanted it to end, I wanted to just stay suspended in that moment, and my heart has really come to realize how deeply I love her. I just want to be here, with her, rather than anywhere else in the universe.

Idiosyncrasies

I'm watching Good Will Hunting right now and I think that one of my favorite parts of the movie is when Will and Sean are starting to talk. Sean starts talking about his wife's little quirks. He makes the point that no one is perfect, the question is, are you perfect for each other? I think that this is so beautiful, so true. We all have these little quirks, cracks in our "acceptable" selves but love is being able to be all of who we are with that person, being broken and human and allowing them to be the same with us in return. What an incredible idea, love is love is love, despite the imperfections, in fact, because of the imperfections. The little idiosyncrasies, Sean notes, were the things that he loved and remembered the most about his wife because they are what made her his. What an incredible idea. I want to love and be loved because of the idiosyncrasies.

It

The past few days have been interesting to say the least. As each moment passes me by and as I consider all the things that have been happening between us, I feel like I'm getting a clearer and clearer picture that she is it. Crazy? Maybe. The simple fact remains plain though, I think and believe that she is the one I've been waiting for, the one that I've been dreaming about, the one who I want to share the entirety of my life with unreservedly.

The other day I was in prayer and was just trying to figure out what God is doing in this situation. I asked Him, point blank, "Is she it?" The response I received was plain and simple, "Let yourself fall in love, everything from your past has been preparing you for this." I left prayer hesitant to say the least, thoughts shot through my head, "How in the world can this be? I've only known her for four months." We're not even dating, at least not officially, yet there is this deep peace within my soul whenever I am with her. Every time I lay eyes on her all I can think is, "She is my lily among the thorns." There's this overwhelming desire to just be with her, I don't care what we're doing, just as long as she's by my side. Hundreds of thousands of little things, quite honestly, make me love her more and more each day and it is the single most joyful experience of my life.

Today I was walking back to my car from the office and she had shown up to the church randomly for that portion of the afternoon, she stepped out of the car and was wearing this beautiful ensemble that simply cannot be described, perhaps the closest description would be, "breath-taking." She got out of her car and embraced me. We talked briefly, then she began to shiver as she was calling her mother, I stepped closer and asked her, "Can I just do this right now?" and wrapped my arms around her to keep her from being too cold. As I was holding her in my arms, and she was talking on the phone with her mother all of the sudden it just hit me...I never wanted it to end. That moment, however brief it was, could have just continued on and on and on, and I would have been okay with just being frozen right there. I gave her another embrace good-bye as I went home to change out of my more formal attire and as I was taking my shirt off I noticed that there was a lipstick stain on the collar of my shirt, right where her head was. I stopped, thought about the simplicity and beauty of all that happened and it came to me, it all clicked, just like I'd been hoping that it would someday. Rob Bell spoke about when he and his wife first went out and there was that anticipation and that mystery and that beginning love that was there and he said of it, "I thought, 'I'd rather be here, with her, at this moment, than anywhere else in the universe.'" That was what had happened, that was what clicked, I'm not afraid to love her, and that in and of itself is significant enough to prove to me that there is something bigger going on than just another infatuation. The thought of not seeing her every day for the rest of my life simply devastated me. It is now time to be patient and hope and pray ever more vigilantly that I'm not misreading these things and that she is it. How could this be? "For nothing will be impossible with God." -Luke 1:37

Find

"Go find your heart" -Ike

I was looking through some of my friends' facebook profiles the other day and when I was looking at Ike's profile, this stood out and really captured my mind and heart. How do we treat our hearts? Do we even really know our hearts? Is there something bigger that is at play inside us that we just aren't keeping in the frame of our lives?

If you were to be totally honest with yourself right now, could you truly say that you know your heart? Could you say that you understand the ins and outs the ups and downs of everything that takes place in your soul? Are you just content with what understanding you have of your heart? The other day I was driving on my way to work and thinking about this saying, and about all of the things that have brought me to where I am today. As I was contemplating all of this, it occurred to me: life is an adventure. We are made in the very image and likeness of God, there's this part of who we are in our essence that is utterly immeasurable, there's this part of us that is infinite by virtue of the fact that we are His image. Life is an adventure, complete with plot twists, heroes, villains and heartache. This is it, the situations that we have found ourselves in, the people that are intertwined with us, the love that we have to choose daily to give or to withhold are all part of this elaborate story of our lives! Each moment, every experience, every smile, every tear, every time we have that shattering realization of the depths of our humanity we discover a little bit of our hearts. This life, I think, is all about the continual discovery of our hearts and we cannot simply allow life to pass us by without actively seeking it out.

This doesn't mean that finding our hearts doesn't carry some risk, it always carries a risk. Discovering our hearts, I believe, entails giving them away. Love is the only way that we can truly unravel the mystery of our hearts. Allowing God to love us as we are, and trying our best to love Him in return; loving those around us and receiving their love in return. All of these avenues of love that we encounter, and oftentimes overlook, these are the keys to discovering and finding our hearts. It's terrifying, truly it is. In his book "Sex God" Rob Bell makes this point in a very accessible way. He talks about the stereotypical middle school dances, boys on one side of the room and girls on the other. At all of these dances there's always that one boy who is brave enough to "cross the great divide" and ask a girl to dance with him. In that very moment he is handing his heart out, in a small way, but he is taking the risk and offering a little piece of himself to the girl and she has the opportunity to either accept it or deny it. There's a real fright to that, putting yourself out there and sometimes having to come to the realization that your heart will be broken, things are not always going to be pleasant, your love will be thrown back into your face. There's a beauty to it though, something that C.S. Lewis said once hits on this:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

If we don't take the risk, if we don't just jump wholeheartedly into this adventure of life, this giving of our hearts, we run the risk of losing all that makes us human. Our hearts are infinite, that means that they have an infinite capacity to love, to hurt and to grow all because we are made in His image. Go find your heart.

Hold

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesize
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold forever

Before I left to return to Phoenix for Thanksgiving, I spent all afternoon with the most enchanting woman in all of the land of enchantment. We watched a movie, listened to music, danced and swapped stories of our lives. Things have been touch-and-go between she and I, although it seems to be very clear to me that there is something beautiful there that she simply needs to just accept. One of the best parts of being around her is holding her in my arms, plain and simple. The hugs that I get from her just send me out of this world, the smell of her hair, the feeling of security and of being a pillar for her is incredible. It's like when she's in my arms time just stops, nothing else really matters, everything is put on hold. I was listening to this song yesterday and it hit me where I was, especially as I haven't been able to get the thought of her to leave my mind.

I think the most incredible part of this song is that it shows the insecurities of both halves of the relationship. She had her fears and it seemed like catastrophe, but he insists on holding her in his arms. He had a mouth full of questions, a mind full of worries that she quiets. Each of these people have their issues to work through, but in approaching them together, in each others' arms they work through them. As I'm trying to be strong and be a pillar for her, I shiver and quake with doubts, worries, fears. Yet, when she is in my arms nothing else matters in that moment it's like everything slips away and things are just right. Yet, the song also highlights something else, even though the couple is holding each other and it offers a temporary moment of reprieve, things are still painful, there's still symptoms of madness and sense of sadness. As I move ahead in pursuing her, I just want to hold her in my arms... and there's a part of me that really would just not want to let go.

Tension

"When we deny the spiritual dimension to our existence, we end up living like animals. And when we deny the physical, sexual dimension to our existence, we end up living like angels. And both ways are destructive, because God made us human...

But we were created to live in the tension. And when you lose the tension, you lose something central to what it means to be human." -Rob Bell, "Sex God"

I've been reading Rob Bell's book, "Sex God" which is chocked full of these insightful points of view, but as I was reading this one tonight I felt especially moved to reflect upon it. The chapter in which these statements are made point out the contrast between two extreme ways of living: as animals or as angels. The point that Rob is trying to make is that if we simply deny our souls that something deeper that resides within each and every one of us then we give in to living like animals. The opposite end of the spectrum is when we look at our humanity and our physicality like it's something dirty and something shameful, when one lives according to this world-view they live as angels.

The main point that he hits on that really struck me was this idea that there's this tension in being human, we've got our feet in two completely different realms: one the earthly and the temporal; the other the spiritual reality that stretches into eternity. What does that tension look like? How do we embrace it? More importantly, how does it affect our essences? There's a certain part of me that really connects with this idea of the tension, sometimes prayer seems like a tension between the circumstances that I have and the asking for them to be changed from on high. Relationships with family, friends, coworkers all have a certain tension to them, a balancing act of searching for what they physically need (i.e. words of affirmation, pursuit in a tangible form) and what they spiritually need (i.e. prayer for, prayer with).

This tension I think is hitting me especially hard in regards to pursuing this fantastic woman who has happened across my life's circumstances by some form of providence. The tension between being an animal (acting too much, making too many advances, pursuing things too aggressively) and being an angel (only praying about it, only sitting back and waiting on God's hand) is very real in this circumstance. I come from a history of being too angelic, trying to over-spiritualize these things. My overly analytic personality and lack of concrete experience all add to this tendency of my own. What does it look like for me to live in the tension in this? Where does that leave me? Ultimately I do not know, but what I have come to conclude is this: I cannot continue down the path of the safe, the path of the familiar. If this is to be different, then I must embrace the tension, I must place myself in the midst of this even if it is uncomfortable, even if it hurts. It's only going to be in embracing this tension that I'll be able to have a fully human relationship, now my only prayer is that she recognize this as well...