Wrestling

I've still been wrestling with my emotions. I left Benedictine and I'm home now for spring break and I left BC being informed that I hurt one of my good friends unintentionally. I'm feeling a mix of guilt, and anger. Then there is the whole problem with the emotions flaring up on the retreat that I'm still trying to work my way through. My heart is restless, that's the best way to put it. I just want to give my heart to the lady that God has set aside for me. Waiting has become increasingly difficult as of late, but I trust that God is using this time to prepare us for each other. 

Until the day comes when we are finally together, all I can do is offer up this heartache for her. Song of Songs 2:7 says, "Do not arouse, do not stir up love before its own time" I need to sit with this heartache and allow it to teach me what I must learn from it. I cannot try to push this pain aside, ignore it or pretend as if it doesn't exist. All things are ordered towards God's ultimate plan. It is not my place to try and stir up feelings of love before God has deemed it time for me. Instead of fighting this pain or simply channelling it towards trying to sprout feelings for someone else, I should simply sit in silence and bear this. I need to embrace this heartache as my cross right now and come before my God and ask, "What are You teaching me, Lord, what is it You wish for me to learn?" Because, it is only in dying with Him that we are able to rise with Him.

Waiting

Let's be honest, there are some days that just suck emotionally and they're the most draining days you could ever imagine. Today was one of those types of days for me. I went and helped lead a confirmation retreat for a pack of 7th and 8th graders in Gardner, Kansas today. I was leading this retreat on 3 hours of sleep, I was exhausted but wanted to give the entirety of myself to these kids for the day. I got back into Totus Tuus mode, I just gave and gave and didn't stop to think about whether or not I was holding back, because I didn't have time to hold back. Things were crazy and I was on the brink of insanity at some points I'm sure because I was so entirely exhausted. Yet, despite this insanity, I continued on throughout the day without holding back, then came time for the Lifehouse, "Everything" skit.

The Devil was really trying to screw up whatever it was that I was doing for those kids because I was just hit with this incredible wave of emotions. Let it be known that I was supposed to be "Lust" in this skit and my part entailed dancing with the main girl for a matter of only seconds. During those seconds, however, there was this intense flood of emotions, and while I was dancing with this girl, who also happens to be in a relationship, and I couldn't help but think to myself, "I cannot help but be attracted to you." It sucked. The skit ended, and I changed back into my regular clothes and I tried to simply walk away from the situation and I acknowledged what I was experiencing for what it was: just a random flare up of the unruly emotions. I walked away from the skit and decided that I was just going to dismiss everything that just kind of rushed through my heart, and then she gave the next talk after our skit. Not only did she give the talk, but it was a freaking amazing talk about the love of Christ... it was the best talk of the day, easily. I sat and listened and thought to myself, "I want my wife to be like you, you're holy, you love the Lord, you have a good sense of humor, and you're just all around attractive both physically and spiritually." Needless to say, my emotions ran wild like the untamed stallions. It was very emotionally draining to have these emotions tossing and turning around within me and know at the same time that there was absolutely nothing I could do about them, I can't act on them, I can't even remotely entertain them.

We drove back and I needed to listen to "Tired of Waiting" by Sean McConnell, and as I was listening to it, the lyrics just really resounded within my soul. I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of not having anyone to pursue. I just want to find my wife and settle down, that is all that I want. This waiting business is getting old and I just want to have someone to give my heart to, is that too much to ask?

Eloquent

"Only His light was obvious and eloquent." -Merton, Journals

I'm still trying to sort through all that happened at fan into flame. Even though I'm still struggling through trying to figure out what the Spirit is doing and did in me this weekend, I'm still a little doubtful. Tuesday morning I skipped class because I was very tired. During the time I should have been in class, Jason called me and spoke some sense into me. I told him about my struggle with doubt with this gift of conversation with God. He came right out and said to me, "John, you need to not be so worried about the gift, but pay attention to the giver." It really struck a chord when he said that to me, and it even adds a layer to the story of Jesus and Peter walking on the water.

"Then he made the disciples get into the boat and precede him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. After doing so, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. When it was evening he was there alone. Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, he came towards them walking on the sea. When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. 'It is a ghost,' they said, and they cried out in fear. At once (Jesus) spoke to them, 'Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.' Peter said to him in reply, 'Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on water toward Jesus. But when he saw how (strong) the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' After they got into the boat the wind died down. Those who were in the boat did him homage saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God.'"

Peter was fine while he was using the gift of walking on the water to bring him to Christ, and that's what's happening here, I need to focus not on the gift but Who this gift is leading me to. In the passage, Jesus says to Peter, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" we can gather from that that Peter began to doubt in the gift that Jesus had bestowed on him. I cannot doubt in this gift that God has given me, nor focus all of my attention upon it, it is simply a means for me to reach Jesus. 

Merton's quote really hit me and I think the reason why it really hit me was because it sheds light on the deeper truth of God's presence in the world. Only His light was obvious and eloquent. Ever since I rested in the Spirit this weekend, His light and His hand in my life has become more obvious and eloquent. The scripture He gave me being the first reading on Sunday, Sacraments and Liturgy coming alive on Monday, even Tuesday with missing class and getting to talk to Jason. All of these things are so obvious, and they intertwine so beautifully, so eloquently. Jesus, I trust in You!

Recognized

"It is in the passion of Christ that God has proved to us that He has 'known' us. That He recognized us in our misery. That He has found His lost image in our fallen state and reclaimed it for His own, cleansed in the charity of His Divine Son." -Thomas Merton, Journals

I've once again developed a cold. My nose is stuffy and runny at the same time, a phenomenon I still cannot understand, my eyes are watery, there is a lot of intense sinus pressure, and I feel very fatigued. When I begin to become sick with a cold (which I absolutely hate more than anything in the world) I sometimes slip into praying for God to take the cold away because, "He has no idea what it's like." Merton's quote kicks my butt in that regard tonight. He recognized us in our misery, if this cold isn't misery, I don't know what is. Not only does Christ understand our physical suffering, he understands our spiritual suffering as well. 

In the letter to the Hebrews we read, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way yet without sin." Jesus understands me and my own struggles more than anyone else. He has looked into my soul and seen His lost image in my fallen state. God understood my suffering, even when I felt lost and disconnected from Him these last few months. Even in the garden of Gethsemanie, when He probably felt the furthest from the Father, Christ still trusted and loved. Jesus understands me, the passion upon that cross made him even more in touch with my human weaknesses than even I myself am. He has come, Lent is here, He is calling us all again to come with Him back home. He wishes to restore His image in us so that we may partake more fully in His Divine love. I answer "yes" to His invitation, and I trust radically that He will reclaim His lost image in me and make me whole once again.

Movements

"We cannot know all the movements of Christ's grace." -Thomas Merton

"The Lord works in mysterious ways" is an old adage that is thrown around quite often today. Merton's words hint at something incredible that isn't too far off from this saying. In Isaiah 55:8 we read, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways says the Lord." I think sometimes we try to pinpoint God and put Him in this nice, neat little package and we think to ourselves, "I've got this whole 'God' thing figured out," but really, nothing could be further from the truth. We have no idea how God's grace transforms our lives or how what we do may forever change the life of another.

Sometimes when I listen to music I just stop, close my eyes, let the music sink into my soul and take me someplace that only a good song can take me to. I simply get lost in the music. Maybe that's what we need to do in God's grace? Maybe we just need to stop, close our eyes, stop trying to make sense of everything and just let God's grace sink into our souls and take us someplace that only God's grace can take us to. Just allow ourselves to get lost in His grace.

We will never figure out God or what He is doing in us entirely, it simply won't happen, His ways are not our ways. If we simply come and embrace that, if we just drop this notion that God fits neatly in this pristine box that we have set aside for Him, maybe then we can truly experience His grace and not just talk or think about it in some abstract way. Then we can encounter it in its truest sense, through the Incarnation, through our very own human experience.

Radical

I was reading through Genesis 22 tonight, the chapter about Abraham being called by God to sacrifice his only son. I really felt the need to re-read through this chapter because I had listened to a talk by Chris Faddis over the internet today and it was all about trust. In Genesis 22:1 we hear how God was going to "test Abraham" and in the next verse, it says that God called out to Abraham and Abraham responded saying, "Ready." How phenomenal is that? How many of us simply respond "ready" when the Lord calls our names? I most certainly do not. If there's anything that I think the Lord has really been trying to reveal to me lately, it's been this: trust is an invaluable part in growing as a Christian. 

In John 15:5, Jesus says, "you can do nothing apart from me." That is one thing the Lord has really been driving home to me as of late. My school work, I can't do it without God's grace. There's a lot of stuff that seems to pile up awfully quickly and I don't know what to do with it sometimes. My finances, I am barely scraping together enough money each month to make my tuition payments, my bank account is really hurting. My summer, I have no idea what the heck I'm doing yet, everything is so up in the air and before I know it, the summer will be here. My love life, ha, I don't even have one. All I know is that I want one, and I want to be able to give my heart completely to someone. My senior year, I have no idea whether or not I'll be able to come back to Benedictine or not, I want to be an RA but I don't know if I'll be given the position, my confidence has definitely taken a hit since the whole campus ministry thing. All of these things keep swirling around in my brain and I think that the Lord is just trying to tell me, "John, shut up, trust." Chris said in his talk that he knew the Lord was trying to say to him, "Chris, I can't love through you unless you trust me." Trust is a necessity, not an option, in following God. It all comes down to trying to re-connect with our original transparency with God. Before the fall, all things were there, present, and all of creation was simple, and man just trusted in God because, that was his nature. We need to get back to the heart of Christ, and sometimes it's a tough trip to get back there, and the only thing that can help us achieve uniting our hearts with His is pure, simple trust. The love that makes our lives make sense is only completely available to us if we cast aside all that we put up that keeps us from putting the entirety of our trust in Him. 

Our prayer needs to reflect that trust as well. "We tend to compartmentalize our lives," Fr. Gerry always used to tell me, "and that's not how God intended it, all things are meant to flow from Him and flow back to Him." This radical trust, the type of trust that responds "Ready" when God calls us, the type of trust that's willing to take our very lives up the mount of Moriah and sacrifice it at knife-point, this radical trust, needs to consume us. Everything needs to be entangled up in our trust for God, and everything needs to flow from our trust in God and everything needs to end up going back to God in trust. All of it, not compartmentalized, not the "I'll give you this God, I'll trust you here," not the, "You can have this part of my life Lord, but not the rest of it." Every last part of it, all the trust we can muster, needs to be placed in God wholeheartedly. It's in this radical trust, this utter abandoning of our own ideas and our own designs that God can take our lives and make them whole. I want that eternal, life-giving love to be able to flow through me to others, and the only way that can happen is if I simply trust in God with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my strength. 

All

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart" -Proverbs 3:5

Why is it that things that are meant to be so simple turn out to be the most difficult thing? I'm in the process of applying to be an RA and tonight I got really anxious and nervous. This position is important for me, not only to further my education, but because I truly want to do it. Then there are all these options for what I could do this summer. I could do Totus Tuus in Denver or Des Moines, I could get an internship with Juniper Gardens in Kansas City, I could be the summer RA here on campus and work in town, or I could do an internship in North Carolina with Chris Faddis. All of these different things are possibilities and I find myself thinking about them constantly. Sometimes It's hard to trust. More often than not I find myself trying to tackle all these things on my own, but I can't.

Jesus says in John 15:5, "Without me you can do nothing." What this essentially comes back to is that I need to just put all of my trust in the Lord with all this stuff and trust that He will give me what is ultimately best for me. I need to come to rely on Him for everything and not simply the small, irritable things that annoy me. My entire being needs to be able to draw all that it is from the hands of our Loving Savior. Trust is what will lead me through all of these upcoming decisions and stresses. I need to make the conscious decision to lay it all down at the foot of the Lord and leave it to them. Father Jack always used to drill into us this phrase, "Father, I don't understand You, but I trust You." That needs to be my prayers, because it's in that abounding trust that God does His best work.