Done.

I'm so done with this hell hole. Getting chewed out by my boss. Getting ratted out by the wench I work with when I was trying to look out for her? 

Fuck this.

I'm so done, I'm ready to be done with this place. The politics have jaded me, has made me become doubtful of beauty in the Church. When liturgy becomes your god and not Christ Himself, then something is wrong. White-washed sepulchres! This has just been a place of suspended animation, not worthwhile conversion of life. 

I never want to work with Rita again. NEVER! She's the worst co-worker I've ever had to deal with. She tells me she can't trust me?

That works out nicely because I can't trust her as far as I could throw her.

But I'll play the role that's expected of me in the political games of the parish.

I will NOT allow anyone here to degrade and deny me anymore. I will NOT be told that I'm mediocre or a monster. FUCK THAT!

Something

I'm going back to Phoenix for sure, at least for the time being. I have no idea what awaits me there, but all I can hope for is this: something beautiful.

I recently stumbled upon this song and I just feel it really connects with where I'm at in my heart of hearts right now. The lyric that sends chills up my spine without fail is, "I just want something beautiful to touch me, I know I am in reach, because I am down on my knees, waiting for something beautiful." I feel like I've been waiting for something beautiful for a while now. God is calling it out, drawing me into it, against the turmoil and uncertainty I know in my heart of hearts that something truly beautiful is awaiting right around the corner. It's just seeing around those corners that trips me out.

For the first time in a few years I feel like there is a glimmer of hope, like the world is opening up for me, that I can take the mess of this life that I'm in currently, turn it, change it and truly make it into something beautiful.

Lived.

What do I do now? I'm second-guessing my decision to leave here hard-core. I'm unsure of what's ahead whether I stay or leave here. I can't handle this tension, but I know I must live in it, I must thrive in it, I must embrace it like a long-known friend. I'm forced to face this almost metaphysical question of, "What will lead to the ultimate end from here?"

I hate it.

What will help me grow? What is God ultimately calling me to? The more and more I think about it, the more and more I think it's time to start a master's program. It's time to set myself up for what will be my ultimate career move into therapy. I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I struggle with the pains eating away at me, and yet pushing me forward. What will happen to my beloved teens?

The question becomes: do I trust Him?

It seems like it's been so long, like God and I are only professional acquaintances, not father and child like my soul so desperately desires. I know this to be my fault, I own up to it. I want to live, I want to look back at my life in the end and say, "I know I lived." God, give me the strength to do what I need to do, to overcome what obstacles I need to overcome, to embrace whatever crosses need embracing. 

University...

Confession time. I really want to go to school in California, why? I don't know exactly, a change of pace I suppose, but also, I just freaking love San Diego. I mean, I just have this visceral memory of being in San Diego and listening to Switchfoot's music, loving it, eating it up and simply bathing in how awesome it was! I was telling Carey Kangas last night, "I want to go to the University of San Diego, but, I don't know." Then, Carey said the simplest thing to me, "What's stopping you?"

It was one of those "Dare You to Move" moments. Could I make it into the University of San Diego? Maybe, maybe not. How the heck will I ever know if I don't try? There's nothing stopping me but my own insecurities, and this time...

Insecurities be damned.

Done.

Tonight I told the teens that I'm leaving. It was a heart-wrenching announcement, but one that had to be done. By the good grace of God, Rita was absent tonight. It killed me looking at the faces of those teens and having to tell them I was leaving.

They're a part of me now.

I feel like I've screwed up so often in ministry, that I'm such a huge failure and that I should just consider cleaning the slate with the hands of uncertainty, but the funniest thing happened tonight. They all were super supportive, and were so full of love. They encouraged me, thanked me, reached out and hugged me. Everything that I've been missing these past few years all culminated in one big announcement.

This sucks. I really don't want to leave any of the teens, I want to kill the church politics, I want to stop working with Rita, but for the love of everything good and holy, I don't want to leave the teens. They've done so much for me, they've changed me.

What have I done?

"Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened."

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

Faith family, this is not an easy piece to write about, but I must do so. It is with a mixed bag of joy, sorrow, hope and gratitude that I inform you that I am stepping down from the youth ministry position here at St. Thomas Aquinas. This was a difficult decision to come to, but one I felt compelled by the Holy Spirit to make. I hope someday you, yes, you reading this, and I can sit down on a patio together sipping sweet tea (which is always so much more delicious in the summer) and I can share the marvelous story with you of how  God guided me through this decision. It has all the essential elements to make a great story: mystery, suspense, humor and an important moral at the end! It really is quite wonderful.

I will be leaving the position here at the end of June to seek out another adventure, my main hope being going on to graduate school so I can pursue a degree in marriage and family therapy. I don't know where God will ultimately lead me, but I trust entirely in His Divine Providence that good things will happen not only in my life but also in the life of the ministry here at St. Thomas Aquinas.

I have learned so much from all of you during my time here! The friendships I've made, the relationships I've formed have changed me so deeply and I am sad to be departing from such a wonderful family! You've been with me through the ups and the downs of the last few years and all I can say is: thank-you.

Thank-you for the smiles.

Thank-you for the tears of joy.

Thank-you for listening to me tell the same old stories time and time again.

Thank-you for never giving up on me, even when I felt tempted to give up on myself.

Thank-you for helping me study and grow in the school of love.

As we all collectively move forward, I ask you simply remember the words of Dr. Seuss, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." You all will be greatly missed but instead of looking at this as a parting of ways, I'd much rather consider it a, "See you soon!" Know that you all will forever and always continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, and I humbly ask that you would also keep me in yours!

Forever indebted to your love,

John

Rage.

I have been at the receiving end of a wrathful rage for the past three years I've been here. I believe intentions started out well enough, but have since escalated to something else entirely. I am so done working with Rita. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the drama that always seems to circulate around her, I'm tired of the anger and wrath that I receive ever constantly. It's time that this stops. Pray that I can have the strength to stand my ground to help protect the ministry.