Lived.

What do I do now? I'm second-guessing my decision to leave here hard-core. I'm unsure of what's ahead whether I stay or leave here. I can't handle this tension, but I know I must live in it, I must thrive in it, I must embrace it like a long-known friend. I'm forced to face this almost metaphysical question of, "What will lead to the ultimate end from here?"

I hate it.

What will help me grow? What is God ultimately calling me to? The more and more I think about it, the more and more I think it's time to start a master's program. It's time to set myself up for what will be my ultimate career move into therapy. I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I struggle with the pains eating away at me, and yet pushing me forward. What will happen to my beloved teens?

The question becomes: do I trust Him?

It seems like it's been so long, like God and I are only professional acquaintances, not father and child like my soul so desperately desires. I know this to be my fault, I own up to it. I want to live, I want to look back at my life in the end and say, "I know I lived." God, give me the strength to do what I need to do, to overcome what obstacles I need to overcome, to embrace whatever crosses need embracing.