Control

I've been reading this book by Francis Chan called, "Forgotten God" and it's all about the Holy Spirit. He writes about the third person of the trinity because far too often He is overlooked and forgotten about, or thought of in such vague or unorthodox terms that no one can truly relate or commune with the Holy Spirit. At one point in the book Chan poses the question, "Do you have a relationship with the Holy Spirit?" Ever have those moments when you're reading and you just feel like someone jabbed a knife into your heart because it speaks so directly to the core of who you are? That was what that sentence, that one simple sentence, did to me. I had to put the book down and have a serious examination of my life. I thought about it, and I knew I had a relationship with the Father, and with the Son, but the Holy Spirit? I realized that I was neglecting building relationship with the third person of the Trinity, the One that Christ said He would send to be the Counselor, the Guide. This realization washed over me, and I could not walk away from it, the rest of the day the thought of trying to be in relationship with the Spirit consumed my thoughts, consumed my heart, consumed by very being.

Throughout the course of this week, I've been actively seeking and inviting the Holy Spirit into my life, into being in relationship with me. I've been seeking Him out and it's been fantastic and terrifying all at once. Chan poses another question in the book, "Why do you want the power of the Holy Spirit?" That question too hit me like a ton of bricks, it shattered me, and made me question my motives. Eventually I dove into prayer with the Holy Spirit and some things that I came to realize were that I had been seeking Him only for myself, only for my own gain, my own sanctification, not for the betterment of those around me. He challenged me, called me out, forced me to see my flaws in seeking Him, and it was the most beautiful thing.

When we enter into relationship with the Holy Spirit, it's not meant to be a one-way street. It's not supposed to be just a, "Okay, I want this, and this, and this, and this, and this and if you could throw that in over there that would be great." One of the points that Chan makes in his book is that some people are actually afraid to invite the Holy Spirit into their lives, because He might ask for us to do something uncomfortable, out of the ordinary and ultimately painful. The point is though the Holy Spirit is always wanting to make us more like Christ, and the most perfect way to become like Christ is to partake in His cross, to enter whole-heartedly into His passion and death. Of course it's going to hurt. Of course it's going to be uncomfortable. Think about it though: would you have it any other way? There's this beauty, this uncontrollable peace that comes from saying unreservedly to the Holy Spirit, "This is me, take it, do whatever You so desire." He'll lead us to those places of discomfort, but, through that discomfort and pain is redemption. I went to mass this morning and as I was kneeling in the pew, all I could think of was this song by Mute Math:



Just thinking about that one line sends shivers down my spine: "There's no reason I should breathe unless you're in the air." Think about it in these terms: there is no reason we should breathe unless the Holy Spirit is in control of our lives. What a call-out. Christians are fond of the cliché, "Lose this life to find it." How many of us actually do that? How many of us surrender up all that we are unreservedly to the direction of the Holy Spirit? How many of us have genuinely given up "control" to Him? What would happen to the church if all of us really gave up totally to the will of God? What if we actively and passionately sought out the Holy Spirit every day? Maybe you're at a spot where you're terrified of what the Holy Spirit will ask, maybe you're okay with it but feel like He just isn't giving you any direction, maybe you just don't care. All I can say is this: no matter where you're at or how you view the Holy Spirit and His will for you, seek it unreservedly and you will not be disappointed. Such a beautiful surrender.

Valium

Valium is used to treat anxiety and to control agitation caused by withdrawal. A couple of years ago, I got my heart handed back to me in an incredibly painful experience that took me a long while to get over. Part of the way I processed through was by listening to the song, "Stall Out" by Mute Math. The chorus of the song just really struck me where I was at:

I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me it's still far from over

I'm at a place right now where I'm completely and utterly amazed by how God can bring someone so low and then lift them up almost instantaneously. My heart has been shoved back into my face once again and it tore me to pieces, it left me shattered and broken, for a little while. Then, God totally gave me the grace to just grab ahold of Him, and cling to Him, and seek His face alone, and it's been a fantastic experience. He keeps coming around, and convinces me it's still far from over. A year after I had my heart broken in college, I finally got to a point where I was okay, that I was able to really be myself again, and it was around that time that I heard Mute Math's "Valium." Some of the lyrics go:

I won't concern myself
Any longer, any longer,
On how to recover
From a stall out, from a stall out

It was the second piece of the puzzle for me. It was only after I realized that I shouldn't concern myself with how to recover from the stall out and just simply accept what God had done that I was able to regain my peace, and my trust. He's done that in a record amount of time with me now, and I'm so grateful for it all! I don't need to concern myself with how to "recover" from the stall out, I just need to accept it, thank God and praise Him because even though I don't know what all He has in store, He does, and He wants what is best for me!

Someday

I've been trying to figure things out with God recently, I'm in this spot where few things make sense, and it frustrates me. I don't understand why God would allow me to experience this much pain, thus much frustration, thus much doubt about my entire life and even vocation. I re-discovered this song today and it's just so darn uplifting that it just boggles my mind. The lyrics are as follows:

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

We have doubts from time to time, through the ups and especially the downs it's not unusual to ask, "Is this for real? Am I doing this right?" The Divine Plan seems so obscure sometimes, so "out there" and not "in here." God throws us these curve-balls that mess with our perception that we, "have everything under control" or that everything is, "in hand." As soon as that happens, as soon as things stray even the slightest from what we we're anticipating and hoping for, immediately the doubt encroaches. Our peace is replaced with turmoil, our calm is shattered by anxiety, our trust in the goodness of Providence is abandoned and replaced with misgivings and second-guessing all of the minute details of circumstances. We try so hard to understand it all, to wrap our minds around why things happen and what we're supposed to do with it all.

We have this perception of "how things ought to be" and sometimes we're so damn convinced of it that everything else is just an abberation. We keep pressing ahead trying to march to the beat of "how things should be" and hold everything else inside instead of being honest with circumstances, with yourself and with your God. Maybe God shatters our perception of how things should be so that He can break us out of the box that we limit ourselves to. Maybe we'll understand it, maybe we won't, the ultimate question though is this: who gives a damn? If God is the God that we chock Him up to be, then why in the world would we want to break and bend our minds to understand all of the hidden designs within Providence? Perhaps we just need to cast aside our views, our little pictures of "how things should be," so that God can do something new and beyond our wildest imagination.

We're never satisfied, we always want to know, we always yearn to understand, maybe God just is saying, "Shut up and trust." What if we just let go? What if we dove whole-heartedly into the mystery of the Divine Author's script for our lives? What would happen if we accepted all the pain and heartache and even became thankful for it? If we throw our perceptions away, our plans, our designs then we can start all over and in that starting fresh we can shine light on everything around us. This life is a gift, it's an opportunity, it's an adventure. Our views are so small, our vision so limited, our intents so tainted. God may be calling us to just trust in His will, to stop trying to understand, and to appreciate the good things that He's already given us. Maybe someday, we'll figure all of this out, maybe we won't... but who cares?

Dry

"The hand of the LORD came upon me, and he led me out in the spirit of the LORD and set me in the center of the plain, which was now filled with bones. He made me walk among them in every direction so that I saw how many they were on the surface of the plain. How dry they were! He asked me: Son of man, can these bones come to life? "Lord GOD," I answered, "you alone know that." Then he said to me: Prophesy over these bones, and say to them: Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: See! I will bring spirit into you, that you may come to life. I will put sinews upon you, make flesh grow over you, cover you with skin, and put spirit in you so that you may come to life and know that I am the LORD. I prophesied as I had been told, and even as I was prophesying I heard a noise; it was a rattling as the bones came together, bone joining bone. I saw the sinews and the flesh come upon them, and the skin cover them, but there was no spirit in them. Then he said to me: Prophesy to the spirit, prophesy, son of man, and say to the spirit: Thus says the Lord GOD: From the four winds come, O spirit, and breathe into these slain that they may come to life. I prophesied as he told me, and the spirit came into them; they came alive and stood upright, a vast army. Then he said to me: Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They have been saying, "Our bones are dried up, our hope is lost, and we are cut off." Therefore, prophesy and say to them: Thus says the Lord GOD: O my people, I will open your graves and have you rise from them, and bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and have you rise from them, O my people! I will put my spirit in you that you may live, and I will settle you upon your land; thus you shall know that I am the LORD. I have promised, and I will do it, says the LORD." -Ezekiel 37:1-14

Ever get that nagging feeling? That feeling that there's just something wrong and you're not entirely sure how to deal with it? Ever feel like God just isn't listening? Like you're shouting and screaming and He simply doesn't hear you? Do you ever feel like you're just dried up? Ever get to the point where you feel like there's nothing else that you can do? Like you're sitting in the dust? If so, don't fear, it's biblical.

Ezekiel is led to the plains where the dry bones are scattered across the land, lifeless and dried up. Sometimes in the spiritual life, I just feel like dry bones, like there's no life, like I'm simply in the dust and without consolation or guidance from God. It makes me come to realize that I am from the dust, and to the dust I'll return. What if this was all meant to happen? What if God breaks and bends us and forces our faces into the gravel to remind us, "You can't do this without Me." Something that I'm considering and pondering in all of this is that God may need us to become in touch with our dry bones, with our desolation, with our empty hearts in order that He may give us flesh. That is, that He may let us see that our humanity is incomplete aside from His divinity. God alone gives us our very lives. We get this idea that God owes us something, that it's not right for us to be in the places of darkness and desolation. Guess what? He owes us nothing, and we owe Him everything. He removes His hand, He pushes us into the dirt and as we complain and grumble He calls us out:

Who is this that obscures divine plans with words of ignorance?

Gird up your loins now, like a man; I will question you, and you tell me the answers!

Where were you when I founded the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.

-Job 38:2-4

He is bigger than us, He knows greater than our limited capacity can comprehend. Maybe it's in the dryness that He can renew and refresh us to our greatest potential.

Maybe you identify more with Ezekiel himself. Perhaps you're at a place in your life with God that is going pretty well, that is engaging and uplifting and you're experiencing His voice and consolation on a consistent basis. How can you change the dry bones of those around you? A gift that is given to you is not meant for you, it is meant for you to share with the rest of us that feel more like the bones sitting in the dust. Breathe, speak, live the very words that God has etched into your soul. You hear His voice, you follow His will, that is how you prophesy and change the bones that surround you. He chooses to work through you because you're not always going to be Ezekiel, you're not always going to be at a place where you can minister and reach out and change lives, at some point or another you too will find yourself in the dust amongst the other bones.

Perhaps you identify more with Jacob. Maybe you need to wrestle with God in order to really gain any semblance of peace and harmony in your life. Maybe He needs to break your bones, your dry bones, in that wrestling in order to tear down your walls, your false gods, your sins and build up the you He knows you can be. He promises to His people just in chapter 36 of Ezekiel, "I will give you a new heart and place a new spirit within you, taking from your bodies your stony hearts and giving you natural hearts." He sees you in the dust, or He recognizes your need to wrestle, or He just is there at your beckon call but no matter what He is always trying to accomplish within us one thing: making us more human. He is using whatever way He possibly can to break through to us, to make us listen and to help us see what true humanity is: loving Him first, and everyone else second. That's it. My bones are dry, but He will put new sinews, new flesh, new skin upon these dry bones, He will breathe His spirit into me and I will be made new. I know He will do this because, He promised, and if He promises, He'll do it.

Wrestle

"After he had taken them across the stream and had brought over all his possessions, Jacob was left there alone. Then some man wrestled with him until the break of dawn. When the man saw that he could not prevail over him, he struck Jacob's hip at its socket, so that the hip socket was wrenched as they wrestled. The man then said, 'Let me go, for it is daybreak.' But Jacob said, 'I will not let you go until you bless me.' 'What is your name?' the man asked. He answered, 'Jacob.' Then the man said, 'You shall no longer be spoken of as Jacob, but as Israel, because you have contended with divine and human beings and have prevailed.'" -Genesis 32:24-29

Why is it that there's this idea among religious people that Christianity is always happy or that Christianity is always simply walking with God? Sometimes you just have to wrestle, sometimes you just have to fight, sometimes you can't simply sit back and accept passively the circumstances of life that God has allowed to come your way. God is supposed to be bigger than us, so He should be able to handle our fighting, our wrestling with Him, just like Jacob.

Ever have the feeling that you're alone? The scripture here specifically notes that, "Jacob was left there alone." How often do we look around at the messy circumstances of life and just feel utterly alone? All of our possessions mean nothing, those closest to us can't understand the depths of our turmoil because quite simply they are not in our shoes. I understand Jacob's plight, the feeling of just being left alone. Then, God Himself came and began to wrestle with Jacob. Jacob must have been a good wrestler because the scripture notes here that, "the man" could not prevail over him. God ("the man") wrenched Jacob's hip at the socket, causing Jacob probably excruciating pain, yet Jacob persisted, "I will not let you go until you bless me."

Sometimes I just want to wrestle with God. I just want to be pissed off with Him, I just want to force Him to the ground and prevail, especially when things aren't going how I had anticipated them. He breaks my heart over and over and over and over again, why I'm not entirely sure, but all I want to do is scream back, "I will not let you go until you bless me!" Mute Math has this song called, "The Fight" and the chorus goes:

"Just see me through the night,
Just see me through the fight,
Somehow."

Jacob was left alone, in the dark, with nothing and no one to understand him. I feel the same way, like I've been left alone, in the dark, with nothing. It was through that night, through that fight, that Jacob came to become someone greater than he could have imagined. I suppose my time to be Jacob has come, and I'm calling out to God, "Just see me through the night, just see me through the fight," letting Him know of my anger, my bitterness, my vindictiveness, and my absolute fury so that He can wrestle with me about it. Mute Math's song has a verse that always makes me twinge and contemplate:

Maybe hope will buy us another day
And time will fix what I can't erase
But it all feels millions of miles away
I don't think I'll get there anyway

Hope will buy us another day? What happens when you don't really want any hope? What happens when you just don't want to "give it time?" How does that work? What does that look like? Wrestling with God is my life right now. See me through the fight, somehow.

Fight

"Just see me through the night,
Just see me through the fight,
Somehow"

The past few days have been a medley of switching between Eminem and MUTEMATH. I've found my spot in this space where I'm absolutely livid, completely and utterly pissed at God and the cards He's dealt me. I scream, I cry, I ask, "Why the fuck do you do this to me?" and "What's the matter with me?" and "Where ARE You?" only to be met with the pounding of the blood echoing in my ears. My heart has been shattered, and I'm sick of being placed in these situations that this happens. I continually seek His face, I continually wish only His will, and call for His guidance in all of my undertakings and my affections, the love that I long to just share with another person is shoved back into my face time and time again. I'm fighting with God, I toss and turn all night, I am not sure of His love for me any longer. People may say, "Don't ever doubt God's love," or, "He has a plan for you." Life's circumstances have forced me to conclude one of two things, either: 1. circumstances of life are not scripted, the God that Augustine and Aquinas so vehemently advocated is nothing but a misunderstanding or 2. God's just a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and we're the ants. I'm so tired of this, I'm so tired of the heartache, I'm tired of putting myself out there trying hard to hold hard and tight to the idea that my heart is good enough to give to someone else. Lies, all it is is a bunch of fucking lies. I'm in the heat of the fight, and I don't know who will win.

God, why? God where is my heart? What is so wrong with me? Why do you break me so? I'm in the middle of this fight... and as much as I want to cut You out, I want You to hold me. Clipping, by MUTEMATH adequately sums up how I feel:

Anymore, I don't know who to fight anymore
I don't know what is right anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know how to feel anymore
I don't know what is real anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know who to trust anymore
I don't know what I want anymore, anymore

Anymore, I don't know who to blame anymore
I don't know what to say anymore, anymore

If God is God, then He'll meet me here. He'll fucking find me right here, and He'll sit with me. IF He is Who He says He is. If He's so big, then He can handle my anger, He can handle my frustration, He can handle the fact that now I just want to swear off of ever loving anyone else ever again.

Used

No more pain
Bitch you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt
I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it

She broke my heart, she shoved everything I was giving to her back into my face. She told me, "All those things I said, all those things I did, I meant them at the time, but I just don't think that this can work out, I don't have feelings for you in that way." Why the fuck does this always happen to me? God had given me so much peace, He had been telling me to move forward, to just let go, and trust He'd take care of it. No more. Not again. I will not be taken for granted ever again. In fact, I will not pursue or give my heart to another woman until the Lord Jesus Himself cracks open the skies and says to me, "I want you to love her, be with her." I am someone who does not deserve this shit, I can no longer stand it, and damn it I deserve respect.