Extension

First of all, if you're going to understand any of what I'm sharing here, then you need to watch this video:

The past few weeks have seemed to be a blur of romance and love amongst my circles. Two of my good friends just got engaged, another of my best friends has started seeing someone, another friend is figuring things out with a potential significant other, a newly married couple has just infected my life and I love every minute of it. Being exposed to and getting to see these incredible things that God does when two people really love each other has impacted my soul, my very essence. There's a beauty that's simply incapable of being expressed surrounding all of these circumstances, the gift of self, the vulnerability, the warm-fuzzies and the fear that all goes into things of this nature simply astounds and amazes me all at once.

This video shows the beginnings and (ultimately) the end of such love. It's fantastic and invigorating but also terrifying and heart-wrenching all at once. Truly though, isn't that how things are with God? Is there some deeper analogy here that we tend to just brush over and forget about? For my own part, I've been fond of this dualism in a sense, this disconnect between my love for God and any love that I may someday share with the person He has set aside for me. Is it really supposed to be that way though? I mean, is there meant to be a distinction between the love that I have for my God and the love I will have for my wife if God so chooses to bless me in that way? At first I was a little off-put by the Crowder video, I wondered, "Okay, if this song is all about 'shining His light so we can see it' then why in the world is it showing this human couple?" As I've been tossing around this idea I've come to the realization that there is not meant to be this distinction. This differentiation between the love that we have for the Lord and the love that we are called, indeed, invited to share with another are not meant to be islands independent of each other, they are meant to build and grow in light of the other.

I think one of the most moving parts of the video is after the wife has died, as the husband kneels over the grave of his beloved and plants the little bean stock his tear causes this plant to grow exponentially. The point, I believe, that is trying to be communicated is that this plant was whole, this plant was complete and healthy, but it was the love that the husband had for his beloved that made it grow. What if that's the case with our own love? What if that's the way that God intends for us to truly love Him more and be loved in return? What if this love is all part of one giant calling to holiness? The little plant, I believe, symbolizes the love that both the husband and wife have for the Lord, it is complete, it is strong and it is alive on its own, but with the injection of the love between the spouses that love (the plant) grows to something far greater to anything that could have been imagined previously. This is not to say that the Lord needs for us to be in relationship or to share all of our love with one other significant other in order to bring us to the places of deepest fulfillment, but what I am saying is that this love that is shared between these two individuals greatly adds to the depth and breadth of God's love in such a way that others can see it tangibly.

This is not to say that everything works out perfectly like a fairy tale and as soon as you find that one person that has captivated you then you're set. Love, in its essence, is emptying of self, it's give, give, give not seeking for fulfillment. Fulfillment is a natural side-effect of love quite simply, but it is not seeking for it, there is fulfillment in giving of self. Emptying ourselves is not easy, nor is it pleasurable but it is worth it. I look to the married couples that I know and see that things are not always like the honeymoon, there are pains and struggles and love hurts, but if it didn't hurt, if it didn't cause us to give all that we are unreservedly then I don't think that it really could even be love. This dying to self, this working for the betterment and the happiness of the beloved gives us in a very real way a taste of what the Lord does for us each and every day. That is the expansion, that is the building upon that causes me to believe that these two ideas of love of the Lord and love of a beloved (significant other or not) are not independent of one another. Each sheds light and expounds upon the other in a way that we may not have been able to see otherwise. The love that we experience for another is meant in a very real way to mirror the experience of heaven. The love that we have for another during this life is an extension to the love that we have for the Lord. Left on their own, I believe, we cannot truly understand what love really is.

Shine Your light so I can see You
Lift me up I need to be near You
Hold me I need to feel loved
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

Wonder

What I've seen and where I've been
Is breaking out, breaking in
Who I love and I despise
Melting into compromise
How I've changed
And how I've learned
Becoming less, becoming more

But I'm still nothing without You
I'm still nothing next to You

Now all the future seems unclear
Never moving, never near
But You hold me as I scream
Wake me from my wicked dream
Something out there waits for me
Hand in hand we wait for it

But I'm still nothing next to You
I'm still nothing without You

And the wonder of it all
Is I'm still standing
And the wonder of it all
Is we're still standing
Never planned it
And I wonder
Where I'll be next year

The song, "Wonder of It All" has floated in and out of my faith walk for the past two years, I was listening to this song after the retreat this past weekend and the lyrics just hit me, they actually obliterated me. This weekend was so incredibly humbling for me and I just can't help but step back and consider, truly, the wonder of it all. God just never ceases to amaze me.

The week leading up to the retreat was quite possibly one of the worst weeks of my life, the enemy was attacking me at every turn, in every imaginable fashion. Feelings of loneliness, being told, "This can't work, we can only be friends" from the woman who things had been going so well with. The nitty-gritty of planning for a retreat, concerns of everything coming together for the teens. All of it just seemed to close in on me. Then, came the retreat.

The Holy Spirit came to move through everyone over the course of the weekend. I was completely humbled by how everything came together almost effortlessly. The talks went so well, and both of the talks that I "gave" were not my own, there is no way that I could have, God must have overpowered my speech and just spoken through me. Even though all the future seemed unclear and every night really was like a wicked dream leading into this past weekend, He held me as I screamed. He woke me from that terrible nightmare. I wonder how in the world it is that I'm still standing, but it makes sense, because I'm standing next to Him. Hand in hand I wait with my Father for those things that He has planned for me. That is the wonder of it all.

Misguided

It's all for You
It's all for You
I'm letting go
I'm letting go

Things had been going so well! Our first date was phenomenal, we were both excited for a second date, then out of nowhere it seems I get the good old reliable talk. The inescapable, undeniable and down-right unavoidable, "I think this can't work, we can only be friends." Where does this stuff come from? Why do I continually put myself out there for these women only to have my heart trampled upon and shoved back into my face? I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I've discerned my vocation incorrectly, maybe my mother was right, maybe I can't "fight the will of God" and I should just give up on this whole dating thing and join the priesthood. I'm so sick, so tired of all of this.

There must be something wrong with me, that is the only explanation. That is the only conclusion that I can draw from all of these mishaps and my fouled up love life, or lack thereof. I suppose that it is only right for the Church that I give up my desires for a wife and children, that I deny that part of who I am and just take up my cross, suffer it out, and become a priest.

That seems to be all that is left.

I'm letting go.

Limits

"Everyone's invincible,
But it's just pretend."

Today God reminded me of my limitations in a real, physical way. I was offered the opportunity to climb the Sandia peak with several people, one of which happened to be the lady who's caught my attention. We maybe made it about 3 miles up this peak, and I simply hit a wall, my stomach felt nauseous, I was gasping for breath and I was reminded of my very limited physical capacity. While everyone else was ready to keep pushing ahead and fly up to the top of the peak, I had to stop, I had to turn around, and I had to go back down the mountain. My heart hurt, and since this experience I've been second-guessing myself all day. Ashley stopped and was walking with me for a while, super slow for her, and she just kept asking me, "Are you alright?" and eventually I had to laugh and say to her, "I guess now you've seen my limitations." She looked at me, smiled and said, "I didn't think you had any limitations," which I believe she tried to make sound uplifting, but at the time I could not accept it.

These ideas have been shooting around my head all afternoon, "Am I not good enough for her," "What did she think of my lack of physical prowess," and "I always knew this was what would keep me from being with someone." These thoughts echoed through my mind this afternoon, but then the other half of me was saying, "We all break the same," "No one is perfect," and "She couldn't be that shallow." Yet, it proved and showed me in some real way that I can't completely explain, that if I'm going to legitimately pursue this woman I need more than just my own natural dispositions and powers, but I need the hand of God to just strengthen my mind, heart and body. If I'm going to really pursue my vocation, in whatever capacity, then the devil is going to do all that he can to stop it, and I need to invite God to just be a part of this all, not in an over-spiritualized fashion, but as a general invitation to all of my life, not just most of it. My limitations are very real, they are very easily acknowledged, but the beauty is that we all break the same and God will meet us in the brokenness.

Tea

Tonight, I had the best date of my life. It was fantastic, my mind is running at a million miles an hour, buzzing with excitement and enamored with my state of life right now. She is engaging, beautiful and a great person to spend an evening with. We went to a small tea shop, engaged in fantastic conversation and we were genuinely happy with each other. During the date I couldn't help but think, "This is what dating is supposed to be like." The way back to her house we sang together, yes, sang together in the car. It was such a great date, and I think the best part of it was that she gave me the green light to move ahead and shoot for another date. Thank God for His goodness.

Story

I watched "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" tonight mainly because I have a free month of netflix and because I was intrigued by the fact that this was Heath Ledger's very last movie. The movie itself is incredibly whimsical and artsy, yet it touched on something that captured my thoughts and I just needed to write about it.

The movie, in a nutshell, is centered around the person of Dr. Parnassus and the deal he made with the devil for immortality. As Dr. Parnassus is starting the story of this deal with the devil, he narrates that he was a monk (granted a Buddhist monk, but a monk nonetheless) and their monastery was committed to "telling the story" of the world. When the devil arrives to offer his deal to Dr. Parnassus, Dr. Parnassus insists that he cannot leave his monastery because if he and his monks were to stop "telling the story" then the world would cease to exist, it would literally fall apart. The devil tries to prove the exact opposite of this assertion that Dr. Parnassus and the rest of the monks are so committed to, and he silences them all, so none are "telling the story" any longer. As the monks are all silenced and no longer are telling the story, the devil stands up and looks around and notes, "See? We're all still here, the wind is still blowing outside, the snow is still falling, and no one is telling the story." That moment in the movie really hit me hard and I was so caught up on that one idea that I couldn't really focus on the rest of the movie.

The monks in the movie were so invested in "telling the story" that they could imagine nothing worse than the story not being told, the very fabric of the universe would become unraveled if this story was not told. The devil tries to undermine this, and proves otherwise. Isn't that an interesting idea? How many Christians are really sold out, truly invested in "telling the story" of our salvation? The story of who we are as human beings? The story of how we are to become complete? The story of salvation history is not something that merely resides within the pages of the Bible, we, here, right now are the story, we play as big of a role as the greatest characters of the Bible. We are the story, our lives are meant to be not only a testament and a "telling" of the history of salvation as a whole, but more importantly, our lives are meant to play an active role in that story, a story that ignites the soul and changes lives. The devil, in a very real way, is trying to convince us that not "telling the story" means that nothing changes. The wind will still blow, the sun will still shine, "nothing changes" if we're not "telling the story." That was the "proof" that Dr. Parnassus fell for in the movie, that was what convinced him to make a deal with the devil. After watching that movie and mulling over it all I can't help but wonder if we're in the exact same place as Dr. Parnassus? How often do we just not "tell the story" of salvation, or not live out the story as we could? Whether it be through sin, or through consciously choosing to not be bold for the gospel, or maybe even just through not spending time with the Divine Author to decide the next chapter of the story, we too have fallen for that exact same lie.

Nothing changes if we don't tell the story. Sure, the sun will still rise, the tide will still clash along the shoreline, but can we really say that not telling our story doesn't unravel the very fabric of life itself? If we're not telling the story, if we're not living and continuing the story are we really living or are we just existing? The gospel is dead-on about this, "I came so that they may have life and have it more abundantly," the Lord says in John's gospel. If we're not living and telling the story, then we're not fulfilling all that we could be, we're not changing and engaging the world as we should, so we are mere shadows of who we could really be. How often when I'm weighed down by sin or by doubt about God's designs can I say, "I'm living life more abundantly?" Never. In our unraveling, we are unraveling the world around us as well, if we're not sharing and loving and telling the story through our lives, then we're hanging all those around us who don't know the story out to dry. "Nothing changes" if the story isn't told, except the very essence of who we are. Our silence, both in word and action, ruins the very existence that God intends for us. Quite simply, if we are not "telling the story" we are not really living, we are merely taking up time and space.

Dance

So, I finally did it, after two or three weeks of "testing the waters" and trying to establish where I was at, I finally asked her out. It was fantastic and invigorating. She is the most captivating woman I've ever met in my life, hands down, no questions asked. A little over two months ago I wouldn't believe what I'm saying, but, God knew, He absolutely knew, why He wanted me out here. If I had not come to New Mexico, I would not have met her, I would not have ever had any knowledge that she even existed. She loves dancing (praise God!) and so I asked her out to dancing. As I was reflecting on the glory of finally going on a date with someone who is genuinely interested in me, I was thinking about dancing and how beautiful it is.

Two weeks ago after Life Teen was over, I went to her and started waltzing with her. It was the most fantastic feeling, holding her in my arms and moving the the music that wasn't even there. I was at the balloon fiesta looking for her, she found me, wrapped her arms around me tightly, and in that moment in time, much like when I was waltzing with her, I felt so satisfied, so happy, even downright complete. My heart moved to the rhythm of her touch, just having our arms wrapped around each other was a moment, I don't think I've ever felt more captivated. I look forward to dancing with her again, and hopefully, again and again after that.