45 Days

I had a super-surreal experience last night. I was watching, "How I Met Your Mother." Admittedly, it is an absolutely terrible show, it's my trash television series that I don't admit to a ton of people that I watch. I've slogged through 7.5 seasons of Ted Mosby's story of trial-and-error in how he met his wife, and this one scene may have made the entire 7.5 seasons worth it. The premise of the episode is that Ted is deciding what to do on just another ordinary week night as the story unfolds he imagines what his future self would tell him about what he was up to that night. It culminates with him (or at least, a future version of him) running to the apartment of his future wife and making this speech. It's so heart-wrenching for me to watch because as I've been watching the story of Ted Mosby unfold, I realize that in a lot of ways I identify with him. I simply want to find someone that I can grow old with. The reality is though, I never know when I may meet the future Mrs. Hyland. It could be 45 minutes from now, 45 days from now, hell, even 45 years from now. I don't know. What I do know is that what Ted did and that speech he made resonated with me on a deep level. I mean, if I could get even 10 seconds with her right here, right now, I'd trade everything I have just for that. I want to be able to love her, with all that I am, unreservedly. I want it so terribly, and I hate being as sentimental and sappy as I am about this, but it's true. Whatever time I may have with whoever she is, I just am afraid will not be enough. I want to love her even now.

If that's the case, if I really want to love her even now, I need to change some things that are happening in my heart. I need to uproot some things that have resided within me for too long. I want to make myself right so that when I meet her 45 minutes from now, 45 days from now, even 45 years from now I'll be able to give her all of my heart unreservedly, completely, holding nothing back. Loving her begins now, and I think the gravity of that has finally sunk in.

Silhouette

So, I bought this song a shade over a year ago, I had heard it out on the radio somewhere and I was just taken with the guitar at the beginning. As I listen again to this song tonight, I'm simply struck with how heavy and beautiful and terrifying it is all at once. The clash of emotions that this song elicits within the very depths of my soul reminds me simply what it means to be human, what it means to love, what it means to be in touch with the reality that there is more to life than my the demons that haunt me. 

This song paints this beautiful picture of love in the turmoil of the storms of life. When things get rough, the chips are down and two people encounter the reality that all else is collapsing around them, there just needs to be someone there to catch them. This song paints a picture of love, love that is true love, a love that doesn't fly away with the difficulties, the type of love that sticks together through thick and thin, up and down, good and bad. The love that he's singing about here, is a love of the will.

As I look at the people around me getting married, having children and things of this nature, I have had to do a bit of soul searching to take honest inventory of who I really am. I have been forced to ask the tough question: am I capable of a love of the will? Am I capable of looking into the eyes of one woman for the rest of my life and being able to say honestly, "I am here, like a lighthouse for you, in the storm." I of course have to come to the conclusion that I am not capable of it on my own, I'm simply not. God, however, can do great things, even with a bruised, battered and broken person like myself, even make me capable of having that deep love of the will.

The key to this though, is that this type of love is indeed gracious, or, that is to say, a love that shows and embodies divine grace. This type of love I cannot have or possess on my own, however, Christ can choose to strengthen my will, can call me up to something greater, and give me someone to share that gracious love with.

For now, I simply wait.

Review

I was looking through my blog posts from the past couple years and I was saddened by what I saw. There was a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, a lot of doubt, a lot of self-loathing and what scares me the most is a that there was a lot of hopelessness. I mean, how did I go from a place where I was content and happy in community in college to wanting to leave the Church in a matter of only three short years? I'm back in Phoenix now and I'm beginning to feel just the slightest hints of hope bubbling up within me. Do I need therapy? Yes, probably. Are there still lots of issues that I have to wrestle with? Demons I have to face? Absolutely. The key though is to remember that life isn't all valleys of sorrow, there can be rivers of joy.

Just this past week my best friend in the whole wide world had a baby! As I look at the pictures and heard his excitement, I knew that there was something amazing happening inside of him, something incredible that didn't just remain with him, but has even come to interact with me. This joy in the simple reality of life, of here and now, that there still are good things in the world. If I was to be completely honest with myself I would have to admit that I let that vision slip away from me. I came to doubt and question that reality, when all I was confronted with was anger and wrath from my co-worker and there was little to no positive support at all, no wonder my psyche became so fractured and broken. 

Yet even through the darkness, the rough patches and the heartache, God is still gently walks along side us in this deafening rhythm of life. He is constantly calling us to Himself and is never going to give up the fight. This is simply Who He is. God, I'm ready to be delivered from my darkness and brought to a river of joy once more. Come Holy Spirit.

Attire

"Rend your hearts, not your garments, and return to the Lord, your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love, and relenting in punishment." -Joel 2:13

I just have to write this because I need to get it off my chest. I hate when people get up in arms for attire at mass. Do not misunderstand, I'm not advocating for people to be able to walk into mass in bikinis and revealing outfits, but what I am saying is that when people get so caught up in dress that attire becomes a focal point, that's what I take issue with. I understand that the mass is where heaven meets earth, where the God of the universe makes Himself present in the holy Eucharist, and guess what, the beauty of Divine condescension is that God meets us where we're at. I go to mass in jeans and a shirt because that is who I authentically am, that is who I want to invite God into. When people make clothing such a huge fuss, it does not come off as a desire for a more intimate encounter and show of honor to God, it comes off as, "why are you not fitting my preconceived notion of what's appropriate?"

I was at mass this past weekend and an older gentleman came up to me and shook my hand sternly and proceeded to tell me off for my attire. He said, "You know this is the house of God, and you come dressed here like this?" I wanted to respond with everything I had, "I'm pretty sure that God cares more about the interior disposition of my heart than adhering to a notion of 'Sunday appropriate' attire." Jesus says to the Pharisees in scripture, "Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites. You are like whitewashed tombs, which appear beautiful on the outside, but inside are full of dead men's bones and every kind of filth." (Matthew 23:27). Make no mistake, modesty is necessary and an indispensable requirement of the liturgy, I'm not arguing for that here. What I AM arguing for, however, is an authenticity in approach to the liturgy. I come to mass as who I am, a broken, human individual in search of a true encounter with the living God, not a dressed up, empty appearance version of myself. I'm asked, "Don't you dress up for weddings?" my response is, "I do, begrudgingly, I can't wait for weddings to be over to change out of that asinine clothing." My desire, is to come to God in authenticity and openness, not in pride and an empty tradition of, "appropriate."

I would rather make sure that my heart is open, torn and ready than to appear at mass in an empty suit with no love. That, I believe, is what God cares about, not clothing.

Done.

I'm so done with this hell hole. Getting chewed out by my boss. Getting ratted out by the wench I work with when I was trying to look out for her? 

Fuck this.

I'm so done, I'm ready to be done with this place. The politics have jaded me, has made me become doubtful of beauty in the Church. When liturgy becomes your god and not Christ Himself, then something is wrong. White-washed sepulchres! This has just been a place of suspended animation, not worthwhile conversion of life. 

I never want to work with Rita again. NEVER! She's the worst co-worker I've ever had to deal with. She tells me she can't trust me?

That works out nicely because I can't trust her as far as I could throw her.

But I'll play the role that's expected of me in the political games of the parish.

I will NOT allow anyone here to degrade and deny me anymore. I will NOT be told that I'm mediocre or a monster. FUCK THAT!

Something

I'm going back to Phoenix for sure, at least for the time being. I have no idea what awaits me there, but all I can hope for is this: something beautiful.

I recently stumbled upon this song and I just feel it really connects with where I'm at in my heart of hearts right now. The lyric that sends chills up my spine without fail is, "I just want something beautiful to touch me, I know I am in reach, because I am down on my knees, waiting for something beautiful." I feel like I've been waiting for something beautiful for a while now. God is calling it out, drawing me into it, against the turmoil and uncertainty I know in my heart of hearts that something truly beautiful is awaiting right around the corner. It's just seeing around those corners that trips me out.

For the first time in a few years I feel like there is a glimmer of hope, like the world is opening up for me, that I can take the mess of this life that I'm in currently, turn it, change it and truly make it into something beautiful.

Lived.

What do I do now? I'm second-guessing my decision to leave here hard-core. I'm unsure of what's ahead whether I stay or leave here. I can't handle this tension, but I know I must live in it, I must thrive in it, I must embrace it like a long-known friend. I'm forced to face this almost metaphysical question of, "What will lead to the ultimate end from here?"

I hate it.

What will help me grow? What is God ultimately calling me to? The more and more I think about it, the more and more I think it's time to start a master's program. It's time to set myself up for what will be my ultimate career move into therapy. I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I struggle with the pains eating away at me, and yet pushing me forward. What will happen to my beloved teens?

The question becomes: do I trust Him?

It seems like it's been so long, like God and I are only professional acquaintances, not father and child like my soul so desperately desires. I know this to be my fault, I own up to it. I want to live, I want to look back at my life in the end and say, "I know I lived." God, give me the strength to do what I need to do, to overcome what obstacles I need to overcome, to embrace whatever crosses need embracing.