Sick

I am SO fucking sick of this shit. I'm tired of the politics. I'm tired of having to deal with assholes that continue to think that they can say and do whatever they want without experiencing any repercussions. I'm done. I want out of this drama, out of this frustration. I don't want to deal with you any more, get out of my fucking life, it's complicated enough as it is without you fucking it up any more.

Pause

Ever have one of those days? You know, those days where every little thing just seems to crop up to take the wind out of your sails? All of your failures and weaknesses seem to be poured out in plain sight for you, and the world, to see? Yeah. Today was one of those days.

I know I'm not the best youth minister in the world, in fact, I'm pretty damn far from it. I try my best, I pour my heart out time and time again, and sometimes it feels like nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares. All that seems to come up is, "John, you need to do this better," or, "John, people are saying this about you." When all you seem to be shown is how screwed up you are, it's hard to believe that you can be anything more than a giant failure.

There was this experience in college that I had that I'm a bit reluctant to write down because it was so intimate, so beautiful, so divine. After a day like today though, I need to be reminded how God crashes through the ordinary, even the heartache, and triumphs over it all. One night, Jordan, Andrew and I came back from our nightly trip to the adoration chapel. We huddled into my room and began to do our nightly recap of prayer as was custom. I put my itunes up and simply left it on shuffle. We talked about girl problems, discernment, the heartache of trying to please God but simply coming up short. We has just finished an exchange and this song came on...

We all stopped, and just listened. Caught up in the simplicity and beauty of the song. Sometimes in my life, like today, I come back to this song and reflect on that moment. Even though at the time I felt like everything was overwhelming and I was going to crash, I now look at that year as the fondest year in memory. When I begin to feel overwhelmed and tempted to believe I am the sum of my weaknesses and failures, I stop and listen to this song. I try to hit the pause button on everything in life. He pulled me through the storms in my life at that time. He will continue to pull me through, period. He wins, and I am His. He did not lead me out here to drown.

Right.

     Lately, I've been feeling like this.

      Sometimes I just wish I could do something right.

Tightrope

     Last week I was itching for some new music. I was just wanting something fresh to invade my earlobes and give me something entertaining to be able to listen to during my drives to and fro across New Mexico. I bought Alex Clare's album, "The Lateness of the Hour" on a whim, and my simple desire for some new tunes, God decided to use this desire to be able to connect with where I'm at right now.

     I look around at my heart and I have these dark spots that threaten to overrun me, my faults continually whisper in the back of my head, telling me, "You are only the sum of your weaknesses and failures." Even though I've been wrestling with this, God says differently. Isaiah 41 came to mind today during an especially tough bout with this temptation towards allowing my weaknesses define me, press me into the ground, and ultimately push me out of ministry and into collapse. The Lord says, "Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." This passage, this song, this state of life I find myself in all resounds one thing: Fear not, failure happens, God redeems.

     Life is a tightrope, and one thing that is for certain is that you will fail. Whether it be in small ways, or big ways it doesn't matter, you will fall. The key to failure, however, is to get back up and to walk forward without looking back, without becoming a slave to fear. This is the astounding message of the cross, this is the indescribable love that changes hearts, that changes us. God's love is bigger than our faults, or failings, and He knows we will fail. The thing is though, God is always waiting for us to return, and once we've picked ourselves back up, He expects us to move forward, to not let the sins of yesterday define our tomorrows eternally. His death and resurrection defines our tomorrows.

     God knows our ability to fall, in fact, He is so very well aware of it that He continually pushes this idea of continuous conversion back to Him. In Isaiah 41:13 it says, "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'" The question becomes, do we believe God and take Him at His word? When we fall, do we allow Him to take our hands and help us back up? Again, all I can say is: Fear not, failure happens, God redeems. Life's a tightrope, but God helps us across to reach Him in eternity.

Doorway

I went to a concert this fall to see MUTEMATH, and this band opened for them called, "Civil Twilight." This song just took ahold of me and grabbed me from the very beginning. The lyrics are haunting, enticing and challenging all at once. What really continues to smack me across the face is the line, "Come in, I've never wanted anything like I want you." The challenge lies in the steps of invitation, the need to voice and put out point blank, "I want you." It's scary, and more often than not, the mere thought of it leaves us trembling. In any relationship there has to be a certain amount of vulnerability, a certain amount of wearing your heart on your sleeve and hoping to be loved as you are.

It is terrifying to be vulnerable, absolutely heart-wrenching to be honest. I consider all the opportunities I've passed over in my life because I was just too scared to be vulnerable, to put myself out there, to risk. Standing at the doorway, more often than not, my response is silence and drifting away rather than, "Come in, I've never wanted anything like I want you." There are a lot of issues at play in my heart when it comes to this but the overwhelming fear that just cripples me is, "I'm not good enough."

It leaves me with a simple, honest question, "would anybody ever come in to my heart, if I were to ask?"

I may never know.

Brennaman

I am Albert Brennaman. Seriously.

Raindrops

Consider this another *hopeless* romantic post.

I bought this song because I've been itching for some fresh Lifehouse. I was pumped when they announced this single was available and I thought to myself, "FINALLY! I've been waiting three freaking years for something else!" I just started listening and this yearning began to stir once again in my heart. I hate that music can so easily elicit such deep emotions within me, but it happened tonight. I was just listening and all I could think of was, "I cannot wait until I finally get to be beside her, whoever she may be."

If anything, these past two years since graduation has really shown me how hard it is to be alone. I mean, I got ripped left, right and center from my co-worker for different things, how I didn't conduct myself well at world youth day, how immature I am, et cetera. I cannot help but think, "If I just had that one person that I could confide in, that I could let myself just be me around and not fear being rejected by." It's hard not having someone to be able to go home from a long day of work and just say, "I just need someone to talk to," or, "I just want someone to hold and be held by." Life is hard, and rain happens, it does, it's part of what we have intrinsic to our human experience. I just wish that I had someone to be able to walk through the rain with. Someone to not only relish the rain with, but have beside me, and to be beside that no matter what, she's there. Someone who I can look at in love and just say, "We're better than alright." That at every step, we've got each other.

Maybe I'm feeling especially melancholic, fall always conjures up this desire to have someone to watch the fall rains with, to walk down leaf-littered paths beside, to hold close when it gets cold. Yet, here I am, hands empty and heart aching. I have this sick cycle, where I desire this so desperately, and yet continually think to myself, "I'm not good enough for that," or, "God just doesn't want that for me." It hurts, there are mornings that I wake up and have a hard time getting out of bed because although I know God is beside me through everything, sometimes I just want a hand to hold.

The other day I was walking to the church for confession and this huge rainstorm had billowed up and was dropping a deluge of water from the skies. I had my big umbrella in my office, so I opened it and walked to the church as the umbrella opened all these memories came flooding back to me of why I had bought the umbrella in the first place while I was in college. I wanted to be able to walk alongside Sarah and just enjoy the rain and being close to her. There's something that I simply find romantic about rain, maybe it's because I grew up in the desert and never really got to see too much of it, but, still. I want someone to enjoy not just physical rain with, but even the hard times, even the struggles, the hurts the pain that comes along with life. Just a woman to love through the hard things. Too much to ask for?