Raindrops

Consider this another *hopeless* romantic post.

I bought this song because I've been itching for some fresh Lifehouse. I was pumped when they announced this single was available and I thought to myself, "FINALLY! I've been waiting three freaking years for something else!" I just started listening and this yearning began to stir once again in my heart. I hate that music can so easily elicit such deep emotions within me, but it happened tonight. I was just listening and all I could think of was, "I cannot wait until I finally get to be beside her, whoever she may be."

If anything, these past two years since graduation has really shown me how hard it is to be alone. I mean, I got ripped left, right and center from my co-worker for different things, how I didn't conduct myself well at world youth day, how immature I am, et cetera. I cannot help but think, "If I just had that one person that I could confide in, that I could let myself just be me around and not fear being rejected by." It's hard not having someone to be able to go home from a long day of work and just say, "I just need someone to talk to," or, "I just want someone to hold and be held by." Life is hard, and rain happens, it does, it's part of what we have intrinsic to our human experience. I just wish that I had someone to be able to walk through the rain with. Someone to not only relish the rain with, but have beside me, and to be beside that no matter what, she's there. Someone who I can look at in love and just say, "We're better than alright." That at every step, we've got each other.

Maybe I'm feeling especially melancholic, fall always conjures up this desire to have someone to watch the fall rains with, to walk down leaf-littered paths beside, to hold close when it gets cold. Yet, here I am, hands empty and heart aching. I have this sick cycle, where I desire this so desperately, and yet continually think to myself, "I'm not good enough for that," or, "God just doesn't want that for me." It hurts, there are mornings that I wake up and have a hard time getting out of bed because although I know God is beside me through everything, sometimes I just want a hand to hold.

The other day I was walking to the church for confession and this huge rainstorm had billowed up and was dropping a deluge of water from the skies. I had my big umbrella in my office, so I opened it and walked to the church as the umbrella opened all these memories came flooding back to me of why I had bought the umbrella in the first place while I was in college. I wanted to be able to walk alongside Sarah and just enjoy the rain and being close to her. There's something that I simply find romantic about rain, maybe it's because I grew up in the desert and never really got to see too much of it, but, still. I want someone to enjoy not just physical rain with, but even the hard times, even the struggles, the hurts the pain that comes along with life. Just a woman to love through the hard things. Too much to ask for?