Right.

     Lately, I've been feeling like this.

      Sometimes I just wish I could do something right.

Tightrope

     Last week I was itching for some new music. I was just wanting something fresh to invade my earlobes and give me something entertaining to be able to listen to during my drives to and fro across New Mexico. I bought Alex Clare's album, "The Lateness of the Hour" on a whim, and my simple desire for some new tunes, God decided to use this desire to be able to connect with where I'm at right now.

     I look around at my heart and I have these dark spots that threaten to overrun me, my faults continually whisper in the back of my head, telling me, "You are only the sum of your weaknesses and failures." Even though I've been wrestling with this, God says differently. Isaiah 41 came to mind today during an especially tough bout with this temptation towards allowing my weaknesses define me, press me into the ground, and ultimately push me out of ministry and into collapse. The Lord says, "Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." This passage, this song, this state of life I find myself in all resounds one thing: Fear not, failure happens, God redeems.

     Life is a tightrope, and one thing that is for certain is that you will fail. Whether it be in small ways, or big ways it doesn't matter, you will fall. The key to failure, however, is to get back up and to walk forward without looking back, without becoming a slave to fear. This is the astounding message of the cross, this is the indescribable love that changes hearts, that changes us. God's love is bigger than our faults, or failings, and He knows we will fail. The thing is though, God is always waiting for us to return, and once we've picked ourselves back up, He expects us to move forward, to not let the sins of yesterday define our tomorrows eternally. His death and resurrection defines our tomorrows.

     God knows our ability to fall, in fact, He is so very well aware of it that He continually pushes this idea of continuous conversion back to Him. In Isaiah 41:13 it says, "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'" The question becomes, do we believe God and take Him at His word? When we fall, do we allow Him to take our hands and help us back up? Again, all I can say is: Fear not, failure happens, God redeems. Life's a tightrope, but God helps us across to reach Him in eternity.

Doorway

I went to a concert this fall to see MUTEMATH, and this band opened for them called, "Civil Twilight." This song just took ahold of me and grabbed me from the very beginning. The lyrics are haunting, enticing and challenging all at once. What really continues to smack me across the face is the line, "Come in, I've never wanted anything like I want you." The challenge lies in the steps of invitation, the need to voice and put out point blank, "I want you." It's scary, and more often than not, the mere thought of it leaves us trembling. In any relationship there has to be a certain amount of vulnerability, a certain amount of wearing your heart on your sleeve and hoping to be loved as you are.

It is terrifying to be vulnerable, absolutely heart-wrenching to be honest. I consider all the opportunities I've passed over in my life because I was just too scared to be vulnerable, to put myself out there, to risk. Standing at the doorway, more often than not, my response is silence and drifting away rather than, "Come in, I've never wanted anything like I want you." There are a lot of issues at play in my heart when it comes to this but the overwhelming fear that just cripples me is, "I'm not good enough."

It leaves me with a simple, honest question, "would anybody ever come in to my heart, if I were to ask?"

I may never know.

Brennaman

I am Albert Brennaman. Seriously.

Raindrops

Consider this another *hopeless* romantic post.

I bought this song because I've been itching for some fresh Lifehouse. I was pumped when they announced this single was available and I thought to myself, "FINALLY! I've been waiting three freaking years for something else!" I just started listening and this yearning began to stir once again in my heart. I hate that music can so easily elicit such deep emotions within me, but it happened tonight. I was just listening and all I could think of was, "I cannot wait until I finally get to be beside her, whoever she may be."

If anything, these past two years since graduation has really shown me how hard it is to be alone. I mean, I got ripped left, right and center from my co-worker for different things, how I didn't conduct myself well at world youth day, how immature I am, et cetera. I cannot help but think, "If I just had that one person that I could confide in, that I could let myself just be me around and not fear being rejected by." It's hard not having someone to be able to go home from a long day of work and just say, "I just need someone to talk to," or, "I just want someone to hold and be held by." Life is hard, and rain happens, it does, it's part of what we have intrinsic to our human experience. I just wish that I had someone to be able to walk through the rain with. Someone to not only relish the rain with, but have beside me, and to be beside that no matter what, she's there. Someone who I can look at in love and just say, "We're better than alright." That at every step, we've got each other.

Maybe I'm feeling especially melancholic, fall always conjures up this desire to have someone to watch the fall rains with, to walk down leaf-littered paths beside, to hold close when it gets cold. Yet, here I am, hands empty and heart aching. I have this sick cycle, where I desire this so desperately, and yet continually think to myself, "I'm not good enough for that," or, "God just doesn't want that for me." It hurts, there are mornings that I wake up and have a hard time getting out of bed because although I know God is beside me through everything, sometimes I just want a hand to hold.

The other day I was walking to the church for confession and this huge rainstorm had billowed up and was dropping a deluge of water from the skies. I had my big umbrella in my office, so I opened it and walked to the church as the umbrella opened all these memories came flooding back to me of why I had bought the umbrella in the first place while I was in college. I wanted to be able to walk alongside Sarah and just enjoy the rain and being close to her. There's something that I simply find romantic about rain, maybe it's because I grew up in the desert and never really got to see too much of it, but, still. I want someone to enjoy not just physical rain with, but even the hard times, even the struggles, the hurts the pain that comes along with life. Just a woman to love through the hard things. Too much to ask for?

Praise

Sometimes, praising is just the only thing that can be done! Tonight, confirmation started, our ministries are pulling out strong and the Holy Spirit is truly breathing into the ministry! All we are, is His. He is holy, the earth is His, I want to be His more completely. God uproot all that would separate me from Your love.

Growing

I think that there is something that I really just connect with about Matt Wertz and his music. I think he and I have kindred spirits, cut from the same cloth and share some of the same fears. 

Today, by all accounts, was a fantastic "lazy day." I slept in, took a nice drive, read a book and watched netflix through the day. I thought as I looked longingly out through the window next to my bed, "This is such a great day." Then, tonight, as I begin to settle in for bed, thoughts begin to parade back and forth across my mind. A mixture of gratitude and contentment collides with feelings of longing and hope. Especially as the evening began to cool and the clouds drifted lazily along in the sky, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I just wish that there was someone here I could share this with, hold tight and just be with." Then, the thoughts snap across my mind like a rubber band stretched too thin, "Nope, that's not for you," followed by, "don't get your hopes up," and, "maybe in some other lifetime." 

I think to myself how childish I can act sometimes, how I still enjoy things like video games and such but how I just so desperately desire a hand to interlace fingers with. I have such vivid mental images of walking along a leaf-littered path enjoying the crisp autumn air and being content that finally, there's someone who I can really dote on, who I can express my love to without shame or fear of rejection.

Yet, this is not my lot in life. Perhaps it will never be my lot in life. It could very well be that God sees it best for me to spend the rest of my life alone. The question becomes: am I okay with that? Am I so detached from even the vocation that I truly believe He has called me to that if He were to simply leave me empty-handed, would I be content? It's a tough question to deal with, that leaves me feeling like God has a mean-kid-with-magnifying-glass mentality regarding my time here on earth and my temporal happiness.

What gets me, I think, the most, is this overwhelming feeling of "waiting." The feeling of desperately desiring that deep soul-connection with someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. The possibility of it seems so good that it almost feels like everything else is simply a waiting game. Yet, this  cannot be true, because I do realize that marriage is hard. There are reasons that over 50% of marriages end in divorce today. There are reasons that even my parents are teetering back-and-forth on the edge of divorce after 30 something years of marriage.

If I could be selfish, even just a little bit, I would simply want a woman's hand to hold. That's it, nothing staggeringly more, nothing insurmountably less. I think about how the last, and first, time that has ever happened was over 8 years ago and it's hard to not feel like there's something intrinsically wrong with you as a person.

So, where do I stand? Just... waiting, and growing I guess.