Growing

I think that there is something that I really just connect with about Matt Wertz and his music. I think he and I have kindred spirits, cut from the same cloth and share some of the same fears. 

Today, by all accounts, was a fantastic "lazy day." I slept in, took a nice drive, read a book and watched netflix through the day. I thought as I looked longingly out through the window next to my bed, "This is such a great day." Then, tonight, as I begin to settle in for bed, thoughts begin to parade back and forth across my mind. A mixture of gratitude and contentment collides with feelings of longing and hope. Especially as the evening began to cool and the clouds drifted lazily along in the sky, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I just wish that there was someone here I could share this with, hold tight and just be with." Then, the thoughts snap across my mind like a rubber band stretched too thin, "Nope, that's not for you," followed by, "don't get your hopes up," and, "maybe in some other lifetime." 

I think to myself how childish I can act sometimes, how I still enjoy things like video games and such but how I just so desperately desire a hand to interlace fingers with. I have such vivid mental images of walking along a leaf-littered path enjoying the crisp autumn air and being content that finally, there's someone who I can really dote on, who I can express my love to without shame or fear of rejection.

Yet, this is not my lot in life. Perhaps it will never be my lot in life. It could very well be that God sees it best for me to spend the rest of my life alone. The question becomes: am I okay with that? Am I so detached from even the vocation that I truly believe He has called me to that if He were to simply leave me empty-handed, would I be content? It's a tough question to deal with, that leaves me feeling like God has a mean-kid-with-magnifying-glass mentality regarding my time here on earth and my temporal happiness.

What gets me, I think, the most, is this overwhelming feeling of "waiting." The feeling of desperately desiring that deep soul-connection with someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. The possibility of it seems so good that it almost feels like everything else is simply a waiting game. Yet, this  cannot be true, because I do realize that marriage is hard. There are reasons that over 50% of marriages end in divorce today. There are reasons that even my parents are teetering back-and-forth on the edge of divorce after 30 something years of marriage.

If I could be selfish, even just a little bit, I would simply want a woman's hand to hold. That's it, nothing staggeringly more, nothing insurmountably less. I think about how the last, and first, time that has ever happened was over 8 years ago and it's hard to not feel like there's something intrinsically wrong with you as a person.

So, where do I stand? Just... waiting, and growing I guess.