Misguided

It's all for You
It's all for You
I'm letting go
I'm letting go

Things had been going so well! Our first date was phenomenal, we were both excited for a second date, then out of nowhere it seems I get the good old reliable talk. The inescapable, undeniable and down-right unavoidable, "I think this can't work, we can only be friends." Where does this stuff come from? Why do I continually put myself out there for these women only to have my heart trampled upon and shoved back into my face? I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I've discerned my vocation incorrectly, maybe my mother was right, maybe I can't "fight the will of God" and I should just give up on this whole dating thing and join the priesthood. I'm so sick, so tired of all of this.

There must be something wrong with me, that is the only explanation. That is the only conclusion that I can draw from all of these mishaps and my fouled up love life, or lack thereof. I suppose that it is only right for the Church that I give up my desires for a wife and children, that I deny that part of who I am and just take up my cross, suffer it out, and become a priest.

That seems to be all that is left.

I'm letting go.

Limits

"Everyone's invincible,
But it's just pretend."

Today God reminded me of my limitations in a real, physical way. I was offered the opportunity to climb the Sandia peak with several people, one of which happened to be the lady who's caught my attention. We maybe made it about 3 miles up this peak, and I simply hit a wall, my stomach felt nauseous, I was gasping for breath and I was reminded of my very limited physical capacity. While everyone else was ready to keep pushing ahead and fly up to the top of the peak, I had to stop, I had to turn around, and I had to go back down the mountain. My heart hurt, and since this experience I've been second-guessing myself all day. Ashley stopped and was walking with me for a while, super slow for her, and she just kept asking me, "Are you alright?" and eventually I had to laugh and say to her, "I guess now you've seen my limitations." She looked at me, smiled and said, "I didn't think you had any limitations," which I believe she tried to make sound uplifting, but at the time I could not accept it.

These ideas have been shooting around my head all afternoon, "Am I not good enough for her," "What did she think of my lack of physical prowess," and "I always knew this was what would keep me from being with someone." These thoughts echoed through my mind this afternoon, but then the other half of me was saying, "We all break the same," "No one is perfect," and "She couldn't be that shallow." Yet, it proved and showed me in some real way that I can't completely explain, that if I'm going to legitimately pursue this woman I need more than just my own natural dispositions and powers, but I need the hand of God to just strengthen my mind, heart and body. If I'm going to really pursue my vocation, in whatever capacity, then the devil is going to do all that he can to stop it, and I need to invite God to just be a part of this all, not in an over-spiritualized fashion, but as a general invitation to all of my life, not just most of it. My limitations are very real, they are very easily acknowledged, but the beauty is that we all break the same and God will meet us in the brokenness.

Tea

Tonight, I had the best date of my life. It was fantastic, my mind is running at a million miles an hour, buzzing with excitement and enamored with my state of life right now. She is engaging, beautiful and a great person to spend an evening with. We went to a small tea shop, engaged in fantastic conversation and we were genuinely happy with each other. During the date I couldn't help but think, "This is what dating is supposed to be like." The way back to her house we sang together, yes, sang together in the car. It was such a great date, and I think the best part of it was that she gave me the green light to move ahead and shoot for another date. Thank God for His goodness.

Story

I watched "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" tonight mainly because I have a free month of netflix and because I was intrigued by the fact that this was Heath Ledger's very last movie. The movie itself is incredibly whimsical and artsy, yet it touched on something that captured my thoughts and I just needed to write about it.

The movie, in a nutshell, is centered around the person of Dr. Parnassus and the deal he made with the devil for immortality. As Dr. Parnassus is starting the story of this deal with the devil, he narrates that he was a monk (granted a Buddhist monk, but a monk nonetheless) and their monastery was committed to "telling the story" of the world. When the devil arrives to offer his deal to Dr. Parnassus, Dr. Parnassus insists that he cannot leave his monastery because if he and his monks were to stop "telling the story" then the world would cease to exist, it would literally fall apart. The devil tries to prove the exact opposite of this assertion that Dr. Parnassus and the rest of the monks are so committed to, and he silences them all, so none are "telling the story" any longer. As the monks are all silenced and no longer are telling the story, the devil stands up and looks around and notes, "See? We're all still here, the wind is still blowing outside, the snow is still falling, and no one is telling the story." That moment in the movie really hit me hard and I was so caught up on that one idea that I couldn't really focus on the rest of the movie.

The monks in the movie were so invested in "telling the story" that they could imagine nothing worse than the story not being told, the very fabric of the universe would become unraveled if this story was not told. The devil tries to undermine this, and proves otherwise. Isn't that an interesting idea? How many Christians are really sold out, truly invested in "telling the story" of our salvation? The story of who we are as human beings? The story of how we are to become complete? The story of salvation history is not something that merely resides within the pages of the Bible, we, here, right now are the story, we play as big of a role as the greatest characters of the Bible. We are the story, our lives are meant to be not only a testament and a "telling" of the history of salvation as a whole, but more importantly, our lives are meant to play an active role in that story, a story that ignites the soul and changes lives. The devil, in a very real way, is trying to convince us that not "telling the story" means that nothing changes. The wind will still blow, the sun will still shine, "nothing changes" if we're not "telling the story." That was the "proof" that Dr. Parnassus fell for in the movie, that was what convinced him to make a deal with the devil. After watching that movie and mulling over it all I can't help but wonder if we're in the exact same place as Dr. Parnassus? How often do we just not "tell the story" of salvation, or not live out the story as we could? Whether it be through sin, or through consciously choosing to not be bold for the gospel, or maybe even just through not spending time with the Divine Author to decide the next chapter of the story, we too have fallen for that exact same lie.

Nothing changes if we don't tell the story. Sure, the sun will still rise, the tide will still clash along the shoreline, but can we really say that not telling our story doesn't unravel the very fabric of life itself? If we're not telling the story, if we're not living and continuing the story are we really living or are we just existing? The gospel is dead-on about this, "I came so that they may have life and have it more abundantly," the Lord says in John's gospel. If we're not living and telling the story, then we're not fulfilling all that we could be, we're not changing and engaging the world as we should, so we are mere shadows of who we could really be. How often when I'm weighed down by sin or by doubt about God's designs can I say, "I'm living life more abundantly?" Never. In our unraveling, we are unraveling the world around us as well, if we're not sharing and loving and telling the story through our lives, then we're hanging all those around us who don't know the story out to dry. "Nothing changes" if the story isn't told, except the very essence of who we are. Our silence, both in word and action, ruins the very existence that God intends for us. Quite simply, if we are not "telling the story" we are not really living, we are merely taking up time and space.

Dance

So, I finally did it, after two or three weeks of "testing the waters" and trying to establish where I was at, I finally asked her out. It was fantastic and invigorating. She is the most captivating woman I've ever met in my life, hands down, no questions asked. A little over two months ago I wouldn't believe what I'm saying, but, God knew, He absolutely knew, why He wanted me out here. If I had not come to New Mexico, I would not have met her, I would not have ever had any knowledge that she even existed. She loves dancing (praise God!) and so I asked her out to dancing. As I was reflecting on the glory of finally going on a date with someone who is genuinely interested in me, I was thinking about dancing and how beautiful it is.

Two weeks ago after Life Teen was over, I went to her and started waltzing with her. It was the most fantastic feeling, holding her in my arms and moving the the music that wasn't even there. I was at the balloon fiesta looking for her, she found me, wrapped her arms around me tightly, and in that moment in time, much like when I was waltzing with her, I felt so satisfied, so happy, even downright complete. My heart moved to the rhythm of her touch, just having our arms wrapped around each other was a moment, I don't think I've ever felt more captivated. I look forward to dancing with her again, and hopefully, again and again after that.

Again

I can't believe I never noticed my heart before,
You are reaching,
For something that is beating,
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before,
Over and again,
Racing under my skin,
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before,
At least it was never until I noticed you

I think that it's really interesting that I have used the lyrics to this song as the address for this hidden blog, but have never once really written on it. I really think that the lyrics to this song carry a two-fold meaning and can be interpreted as such. As I sit alone here in my apartment reflecting on where God has brought me, I felt moved to simply write about this.

When you look at the lyrics, it is plain to see that it was only in coming to recognize something that previously wasn't recognized that we really become in touch with our own humanity. In looking at these lyrics the first way to understand them is to take it in light of the truth and love of God. It isn't until we recognize and realize Who God is, and the fact that He wants us that we truly become in touch with our own humanity. Andrew, my seminarian buddy, and myself were talking the other day and we were discussing the idea that grace builds upon nature. It's in recognizing God and Who He is that we truly come to see the depths of what makes us human, it's in becoming truly in touch with our real, tangible, down right fleshy human experience that we can ever really, truly be holy. It's in noticing Who God is and in turn, noticing who we really are that we can ever come to experience authentic holiness. We can never notice our true hearts, the depths of our own humanity, until we discover who we are in God. It's only in this synergy between us and Him, the depraved and the holy, the stained and the pure, that we can ever really deeply understand and experience the life that the Lord came to give us to the fullest (John 10:10). I never noticed my (human) heart before, until I noticed You.

The second way to interpret this is within the context of purely human relationships. Sometimes our hearts become cold, distant and bitter due to hurt or pain from previous relationships, the most common way this arises is within the context of romantic relationships. What if it's only in noticing that one person that we can truly come to experience our hearts as they were meant to be experienced? What if when we notice that one person that we become in touch with why all the pain, hurt and frustration happened in the past? What if all of those broken dreams and times our hearts were shattered are simply ways to make us become in touch with what and who we truly need so that we may come to truly notice our hearts and not settle for anything less? When we do come to finally notice that one person, it ignites something deep within us, it calls us to something greater and far more beautiful than we can ever imagine. What if these two ideas are connected? What if those of us who God has called to marriage really and truly come to experience our true hearts only through that one special person, which in turn leads us to our own true human experience whereby the grace of God can come and flood our souls, making our hearts better than they could have ever been before? What if it's in experiencing the gift of self, both in giving and in receiving, that our own human experience can even make any sense? It's in noticing our hearts, in whatever way that may be, that we can become holy, plain and simple. Think about this: we cannot be holy without being human. I never noticed my heart before...

Song

"Welcome to the days of wariness,
Where I'm feeling an echo inside my chest,
I've got a heart beating patiently along,
Waiting for the other half of its song."

I have been on a Kina Grannis kick recently, I've been listening to her album almost non-stop for the past four days. The other day I was driving around Rio Rancho and listening to this song and these lyrics just really grabbed me. I started thinking about the state of life that I'm perpetually in (single), and how tiresome it gets. The idea expressed in the lyrics though, "I've got a heart beating patiently along, waiting for the other half of its song," really struck a chord with me in a very real way.

The more that I started to think about it during my drive around Rio Rancho, the more that I really came to reflect on the significance of that. Our lives as Christians are meant to be a song lifted up to the Lord. Throughout scripture and the fathers of the Church we hear about how "singing is praying twice," or the power of a song, or the need to "sing a new song to the Lord." This idea of singing your "life song" is intimately connected to growing and offering up all that you are to the Lord. If you look into the Song of Songs, it's written as (mainly) a duet, between the king and his beloved. The thing that really stood out to me is just simply that two parts are necessary to make that book as beautiful as it is. Right now, I'm simply in the days of wariness, and often it really does feel like there is a hollow, empty echo inside of my chest, waiting to love someone and be loved in return. Despite this though, my heart, the very physicality of my being is continuing to trod and beat along, waiting to be answered. This isn't only a spiritual longing to sing and have my life song complimented by the one that God has ordained for me, but also a very tangible, very real physical longing to have someone to hold, someone to laugh with, someone to grow old with and raise a family with. This physicality ties in theologically with the understanding of the theology of the body, and even biblically that the relationship between a man and a woman is the road to sanctification for many as is witnessed by the prophet Hosea. This longing is simply another means to holiness, for the first time in my life it occurred to me to offer up the suffering of my loneliness for my future spouse. What a beautiful gift that is and can continue to be, to be able to legitimately say to the one who has captured your very being, "Every time I felt lonely and wanted someone to be with, I offered it up for you and you alone, my darling." The song of my heart is waiting to be completed with its second part, it's meant to be a duet, and quite simply whenever the day comes for me, the joy that will well up within me will cause me to sing. Until then, my heart will beat, patiently, waiting for the other half of its song.