Movements

"We cannot know all the movements of Christ's grace." -Thomas Merton

"The Lord works in mysterious ways" is an old adage that is thrown around quite often today. Merton's words hint at something incredible that isn't too far off from this saying. In Isaiah 55:8 we read, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways says the Lord." I think sometimes we try to pinpoint God and put Him in this nice, neat little package and we think to ourselves, "I've got this whole 'God' thing figured out," but really, nothing could be further from the truth. We have no idea how God's grace transforms our lives or how what we do may forever change the life of another.

Sometimes when I listen to music I just stop, close my eyes, let the music sink into my soul and take me someplace that only a good song can take me to. I simply get lost in the music. Maybe that's what we need to do in God's grace? Maybe we just need to stop, close our eyes, stop trying to make sense of everything and just let God's grace sink into our souls and take us someplace that only God's grace can take us to. Just allow ourselves to get lost in His grace.

We will never figure out God or what He is doing in us entirely, it simply won't happen, His ways are not our ways. If we simply come and embrace that, if we just drop this notion that God fits neatly in this pristine box that we have set aside for Him, maybe then we can truly experience His grace and not just talk or think about it in some abstract way. Then we can encounter it in its truest sense, through the Incarnation, through our very own human experience.

Radical

I was reading through Genesis 22 tonight, the chapter about Abraham being called by God to sacrifice his only son. I really felt the need to re-read through this chapter because I had listened to a talk by Chris Faddis over the internet today and it was all about trust. In Genesis 22:1 we hear how God was going to "test Abraham" and in the next verse, it says that God called out to Abraham and Abraham responded saying, "Ready." How phenomenal is that? How many of us simply respond "ready" when the Lord calls our names? I most certainly do not. If there's anything that I think the Lord has really been trying to reveal to me lately, it's been this: trust is an invaluable part in growing as a Christian. 

In John 15:5, Jesus says, "you can do nothing apart from me." That is one thing the Lord has really been driving home to me as of late. My school work, I can't do it without God's grace. There's a lot of stuff that seems to pile up awfully quickly and I don't know what to do with it sometimes. My finances, I am barely scraping together enough money each month to make my tuition payments, my bank account is really hurting. My summer, I have no idea what the heck I'm doing yet, everything is so up in the air and before I know it, the summer will be here. My love life, ha, I don't even have one. All I know is that I want one, and I want to be able to give my heart completely to someone. My senior year, I have no idea whether or not I'll be able to come back to Benedictine or not, I want to be an RA but I don't know if I'll be given the position, my confidence has definitely taken a hit since the whole campus ministry thing. All of these things keep swirling around in my brain and I think that the Lord is just trying to tell me, "John, shut up, trust." Chris said in his talk that he knew the Lord was trying to say to him, "Chris, I can't love through you unless you trust me." Trust is a necessity, not an option, in following God. It all comes down to trying to re-connect with our original transparency with God. Before the fall, all things were there, present, and all of creation was simple, and man just trusted in God because, that was his nature. We need to get back to the heart of Christ, and sometimes it's a tough trip to get back there, and the only thing that can help us achieve uniting our hearts with His is pure, simple trust. The love that makes our lives make sense is only completely available to us if we cast aside all that we put up that keeps us from putting the entirety of our trust in Him. 

Our prayer needs to reflect that trust as well. "We tend to compartmentalize our lives," Fr. Gerry always used to tell me, "and that's not how God intended it, all things are meant to flow from Him and flow back to Him." This radical trust, the type of trust that responds "Ready" when God calls us, the type of trust that's willing to take our very lives up the mount of Moriah and sacrifice it at knife-point, this radical trust, needs to consume us. Everything needs to be entangled up in our trust for God, and everything needs to flow from our trust in God and everything needs to end up going back to God in trust. All of it, not compartmentalized, not the "I'll give you this God, I'll trust you here," not the, "You can have this part of my life Lord, but not the rest of it." Every last part of it, all the trust we can muster, needs to be placed in God wholeheartedly. It's in this radical trust, this utter abandoning of our own ideas and our own designs that God can take our lives and make them whole. I want that eternal, life-giving love to be able to flow through me to others, and the only way that can happen is if I simply trust in God with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my strength. 

All

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart" -Proverbs 3:5

Why is it that things that are meant to be so simple turn out to be the most difficult thing? I'm in the process of applying to be an RA and tonight I got really anxious and nervous. This position is important for me, not only to further my education, but because I truly want to do it. Then there are all these options for what I could do this summer. I could do Totus Tuus in Denver or Des Moines, I could get an internship with Juniper Gardens in Kansas City, I could be the summer RA here on campus and work in town, or I could do an internship in North Carolina with Chris Faddis. All of these different things are possibilities and I find myself thinking about them constantly. Sometimes It's hard to trust. More often than not I find myself trying to tackle all these things on my own, but I can't.

Jesus says in John 15:5, "Without me you can do nothing." What this essentially comes back to is that I need to just put all of my trust in the Lord with all this stuff and trust that He will give me what is ultimately best for me. I need to come to rely on Him for everything and not simply the small, irritable things that annoy me. My entire being needs to be able to draw all that it is from the hands of our Loving Savior. Trust is what will lead me through all of these upcoming decisions and stresses. I need to make the conscious decision to lay it all down at the foot of the Lord and leave it to them. Father Jack always used to drill into us this phrase, "Father, I don't understand You, but I trust You." That needs to be my prayers, because it's in that abounding trust that God does His best work.

Meaning

"To find the full meaning of our existence we must find not the meaning that we expect but the meaning that is revealed to us by God. The meaning that comes to us out of the transcendent darkness of His mystery and our own." -Thomas Merton

What is the meaning of life? Philosophers, Theologians, Scientists, politicians and even the common man have wrestled with this question for thousands of years. We have all of these thoughts and expectations that we're absolutely positive is the answer to this burning question. Merton suggests that we can't know the meaning of existence by what we expect, but by what is revealed to us by God. How do we have that revealed to us though?

It's by a real, personal encounter with God. Christianity is not a philosophy, it's not a moral code, it's not even a set of dogmas, it's about a personal encounter with Christ. I feel like it's been a while since I've had that personal encounter, but I need to still keep seeking it, because therein lies the meaning of my existence. No book, no prayer, no advice can give me that, only God can. The incredible thing is, He wants this personal encounter The problem lies in my own inability to still the inner turmoil and simply quiet my soul to listen for the loving voice of my Creator. I think lately God has been trying to call me back to that personal encounter with Him and not the simple going through the motions that I've become accustomed to. So God, here I am, ready and willing to meet You. 

Whole

"One man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had been ill for a long time, he aid to him, 'Do you want to be well?'" -John 5: 5-6

Some other translations of the Bible translate Jesus' question as "Do you want to be made whole?" so I'm going off of that translation to coincide with what I felt called to reflect on. I've reflected on this idea of a God-shaped hole before. The Lord knows that He alone can satisfy our desires, He alone can fill our hearts and complete us, He knows all of this, yet He still asks us, "Do you want to be made whole?" It's a simple question but  not necessarily an easy answer. If we say "yes" to God's invitation, He will pour forth His blessings and His Holy Spirit upon you, but everything must then change. Once you've tasted the Glory of God, everything else seems trivial. It changes your view of the world and the view of what's important. 

He is ready and willing to make us whole, but are we willing to let Him do that? We live these lives that are shattered, broken, and incomplete, where we turn to everything and everyone we can think of but God to put it back together. Sometimes, I think we get scared of being made whole because it's different. Yet we don't realize that the unchanging One is making us whole, the Lover of our souls, the creator of the universe. He alone can make us whole, you can't realize the glory of the light when all you're accustomed to is the darkness.

Thirst

"Are you thirsty,

Standing in the rain?" -Paul Alan

The song, "To Bring You Back"' has been on my mind a lot recently. Paul Alan starts off the song with that question and I really think that it is an interesting question to pose to our own human state. The book of Ecclesiastes starts off with a simple, yet bold statement, "Vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!" I really feel like this puts forth our soul's inclination when it sees all that surrounds us. Everything is rain. 

The world offers all of these enticing things, yet none of them satisfy. None of them can satisfy, still they are all around us. It's like an intense hurricane of "pleasures" is there, but our souls are still thirsty. There's this void, this emptiness that we all carry around, but, nothing we can do, nothing we can buy can satisfy this hunger, quench this thirst, fill this crevice. We try to though, boy do we try to. Some turn to alcohol, some turn to drugs, some turn to abusive relationships, some even turn to money. I like to refer to this hunger, this emptiness as the "God-shaped hole." This longing, this desire, shouldn't be despised, it shows that we were meant for eternity, because only the Eternal One can satisfy this deep longing. My question to myself is then, am I thirsty drowning in the rain? Yes, I am, and I try to quench this thirst with anything I can think of. With academia, with food, with relationships, all of these different things. All the while, the Lord is whispering, "Whoever drinks the water I give will never thirst." (John 4:14) Come Lord, quench my thirst.  

Faceless

"On a night like this, I could fall in love,

I could fall in love with you."

Here we are: you and I, swaying slowly together. It seems as if it has taken an eternity for us to end up here, you and I. The music plays ever so softly around us, and everything else seems to have stopped. All that matters right now is this reality here between us, my hand in yours, your forehead pressed against mine, our arms wrapped around each other, the sound of your shoes tapping on the wooden floor as we continue to sway. This is it, we are each other's reality and the world has never made more sense. I continue to wonder, "Is this real? Am I dreaming?" I guess I asked myself those questions so often that I actually voiced it. You laugh and whisper into my ear, "Yes, this is real, you're not dreaming." We continue to sway gently back and forth, the way your dress moves reminds me of the ocean's tide. I don't think I've ever seen a woman more beautiful. I whisper into your ear, "I love you." You reply, "I love you too." Here we are: you and I, swaying slowly together. I look up and realize that, before me stands an empty face, a place that is prepared and cherished within my heart has yet to be filled, and I must continue to wait. So, there we will be: you and I, swaying slowly together, in my mind, you will continue to be faceless until the day that my yearning becomes a reality. Until then, I will love you, my faceless bride, and I will simply continue to wait.