Wordless

"The need to keep working at meditation–going to the root. Mere passivity won't do at this point. But activism won't do either. A time of wordless deepening to grasp the inner reality of my nothingness in Him Who Is. Talking about it in these terms seems absurd. Seems to have nothing to do with the concrete reality that is to be grasped. My prayer is peace and struggle in silence, to be aware and true, beyond myself and to go outside the door of myself, not because I will it, but because I am called and must respond." –Thomas Merton

Something about what Merton is saying resonates in my soul, there's this eerie sense of wanting to not be passive but also not wanting to be active. Perhaps this is just a matter of simply being. Maybe I'm caught up in the idea of "What do I need to do?" instead of being caught up in the idea of "Who do I need to be?"

There's this strange paradox that comes along with this walk with God. This ever-present balance between being Martha and being Mary, between doing things for God as a prayer and just being with God as a prayer. The line between active and passive is always a little foggy. But there's also an overwhelming battle between taking up a cross of pain and confusion and celebrating a resurrection of healing and clarity.

Where Good Friday meets Easter Sunday; where befuddlement and pain meet understanding and healing; where the darkness of the soul meets the light of His Glory, that's where God is, and that is where He asks the soul seeking Him, "Do you trust Me?" Now the soul must answer it's Maker. This is the internal struggle between seeing the circumstances of the world and knowing the resounding truth of God's love. This is where the soul can choose to fade away from the true light and sink into the false light the world's circumstances offer, or it can choose to trust, choose to have faith, choose to love and step closer and closer to the Source of the glorious, blinding light. My soul stands in the midst of this paradox. The time has come to choose.