Melancholy

Ever since I was introduced to Kina Grannis' music a few years ago I've become enamored with her voice, her musical constructs and ultimately her lyrical prowess. She's always been my celebrity crush because there's a part of her music that resonates with who I am. As I've been looking around my personal life and taking inventory of a lot of different things are coming to light and showing me the depths of what makes up my soul.

Lately I've been on a quest of self-discovery and healing. I've been looking at my flaws and trying to make some concrete changes to address my personal shortcomings so that I can finally reclaim myself. These past two years in New Mexico have stolen my joy, deprived me of peace and left me feeling low. The reality is though: I am a melancholic type of person. I think Kina's music sticks so much to me because she has this incredible way of expressing melancholy without being whiny or contrived. One of the things that I've come to realize about my melancholy and need to improve myself is that I play the victim far too often. Things happen, hearts get broken, and it's natural to hurt and grieve as necessary but ultimately, work it out of your system and then move forward in joy.

Ashley decimated my heart, my desire to be romantic and my drive to improve myself. I've completely stalled out as a human being and as I look at myself I've been forced to ask, "What happened to me?" I'm tired of being stuck in the rut. I'm over Ashely holding my heart, despite my tugging and slight attempts to take it back. She made the decision that she's better off without me, and damn it, I know that I'm better off without her. I'm done with the mourning, I'm done with the apathy that chokes my life. I need to make some serious changes and one of them is it's time to rein in the melancholy and use it for the betterment of myself and those around me.

Away

These past few weeks it seems like "grown-up" life has just dominated my consciousness. It seems every time I open up facebook, pictures of weddings, babies and engagements seem to crop up all the time. I sit back and look at my own life and I think about where I've landed myself. The past few weeks I've been plagued with thoughts of a some circumstances from my past that simply confound me.

I look at one of the women that I pursued in college that it simply didn't end up working out. Now, four years later it still astonishes me that it did not come together. I can honestly say she was one of the most incredible women that I've ever had the privilege of knowing, regardless of the fact that it didn't work. I can honestly say that I am indebted to her still, for showing me a kind heart, a gentle spirit and a genuine love for the Lord that is simply infectious. Every once in a while, when my mind slips from me and goes wandering off, I catch myself thinking of that one cold February night when she simply said, "This can't be right now," and I responded, "You didn't break my heart, God has it."

How in the world did I go from there to being shattered still a year after my last foray into romance? I look at this past attempt (who, was another one I could have seen myself with) and I think, "Where has my heart gone?" She took it all away because my heart wasn't God's any longer, He was the asterisk to the equation, an afterthought at best. Ever since then I feel like my life has been stalled out, reeling. How in the world could it be that I felt it was taken all away? I was tore up and still continue to be tore up, but for what? A love that wasn't requited?

The time has come to reclaim my life. It may have been taken all away, but now, the time has come to take it all back. One small piece at a time, it's time for John to be John again.

Solitude

Ever have those times when you just are so unsure of what God is doing? I find myself in that place once again. To be frank, I've been so apathetic in all of my relationships, and most especially with my relationship with the Lord. Quite honestly, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being lukewarm, I look around at my heart and I just wish I could shake myself! I ask myself, "Where is the passion?" or "Where is the love?" and I answer myself with stammering and incomplete thoughts. 

I think God has cast me into the throws of desolation to wake me up. If anything these past few months have showed me how weak and fragile I truly am. Yet, in my stubbornness and pride I refuse to be real and vulnerable with the One Who knows all of my weaknesses already. Where in the world does that make sense? 

God, lead me. Please.

Here

Today Rita told me that Ashley asked her to teach confirmation classes next year. I'm simply dumbfounded at this news and as I'm reflecting on it tonight, this song was the closest thing I could find to express my feelings. I find a few lines especially relatable:

If you were right and I was wrong,

Why are you the one who's gone?

And I'm still here

Am I still entertaining ideas of us getting together? No. Does my heart still hurt a little inside whenever I see her? Absolutely. I think what's especially frustrating is that this is a back-door attempt to get into the ministry through other avenues instead of approaching me head-on knowing our difficulties of the past. Knowing how much she screwed me over. I am probably reading into things too much, but, if the ministry really meant that much to her, why the hell did she ever leave in the first place? She backed out long before things with us exploded. I never went anywhere, she was the one who simply faded away from ministry and parish life in general. I may be acting and thinking petty, but honestly, it frustrates me that she just walked away, myself and volunteers have had to overcome a lot of obstacles to stay in ministry, in order to put the ministry as a priority, not taking a back-seat to anything else. This whole situation frustrates me to no end and I don't know how to eloquently express my feelings without sounding childish and petty.

Far

My heart runs far from where You intended,

Come after me, please

My heart runs far from where You intended,

Come after me, please

There's this inherent desire that we all yearn for. We want to be wanted, we want to be desired, we want to be loved and sought after. It's funny isn't it? The games we play to prove some imaginary point, some fabricated "test" of true love. We run and hope that someone will be looking for us. Who can blame us? Everyone bears scars, everyone hurts, everyone has been burned in their lives. We run and pretend to not turn around, but in the depths of our souls we simply desire more than anything else that we're being sought after, desired.

I stumbled on this David Crowder song today, after having listened through the album several times, there's just something that today clicked. This hidden drive, this hidden force in our souls is far more potent and powerful than many of us could probably fathom. Where do the wounds come from? Parents? Failed romances? Broken friendships? Interior insecurities? It doesn't matter, because ultimately in one way or another we all do the same thing: run and secretly hope that someone, anyone will be seeking us.

I look at my own life and like everyone else on the face of this planet, I've been broken in one way or another. I wouldn't say that my life has been overbearingly hard, but, crosses, trials and heartache has followed me throughout my existence. I run, I will admit it. When things get hard, when trials come, when life just gets too heavy for me to deal with I will run and try to escape, whether it be to sin, to depression, to a hundred million different avenues. I run to these things, in hope that they will provide something, even if it's just simple numbness, as if any of these empty things can slake the thirst to be desired seated in our hearts. Within the deepest part of my soul, I simply desire this: to be sought after unashamedly.

What I love about this song is that Crowder hits on this underlying point, we wander far from where God intended. I mean, who can blame anyone who wants to run from where He intends us? He always wants what's best for us, even if it means breaking our hearts to make them a little bigger. We look at the pains, the hurts, the sufferings of life and we simply want to run away from them all, but we deeply desire that He'll seeks us, that He'll come after us. You know the craziest thing about our God? He does. We stray, we fail, we run like the wind from these wounds that inhabit the deep recesses of our souls. He meets us in those places, but then He always takes us back, takes us deeper. With every step in the path of perfection, we come to one unwavering reality: heartache is inevitable. We are always, always, led back to the cross. Slowly, painstakingly, suffering makes us more alive because it makes us die to those superficial, passing parts of us. We're insecure, we hurt and we want someone to love us, and He does. His love comes after us, and it unites us to His cross, where he can look over to our pain and say simply in overwhelming understanding, "Me too."

Letter

Dear Future Spouse,

I can't wait to finally find you. I love you already, even though I haven't officially met you yet. I can't wait to sing and play this for you...

Won't

I promise that this post has nothing to do with valentine's day coming up. I came across this song a little over a month ago, and I was immediately drawn to it. I think Jason Mraz, when he keeps things appropriate, has this way of being able to speak to the soul. Some of the things that this song really hits on just clicks deep within my very being. 

Maybe I'm being selfish, I'll admit it. The thing is though that there is this deep aching, this yearning to have someone specifically for me to love, and to love me the same way. I want to have a woman that I can just stop and be entranced by her gaze, someone to hold, someone to take my breath away, someone to lift me up and, ultimately, someone worth fighting for.

I know that this song seems to be more towards being interpreted as a relationship on rocks, wanting to be fought for, but I think it points to an even deeper reality within the masculine soul. There is a big part of my heart that just wants someone to be able to fight, indeed, to die for if possible. I quite simply want someone to be able to offer myself up for, to lay down my heart for someone that no matter what, I won't give up on. Someday, maybe someday.