Real

Today I found my first apartment. I filed the application, I spent the morning searching and found a nice place to settle down in for the next year. God blessed me a lot today, but there's a part of me that is whispering, "I don't know if I'm going to be happy here." This is along the same lines of taking the position at St. Joseph hall last year, it seemed like the less-than-ideal situation, but it ended up being the best thing for me. At a time that I should be excited and happy, I can't help but feel scared, anxious and alone.

As silly and unfounded as it sounds, I can't help but think about her. I can't help but consider how my heart just aches for her. I continually ask for God to just purify my heart and remove this desire if it's not from Him, but it seems half-hearted sometimes, and when it was heartfelt truly, it seemed that He spoke differently to my heart. I talk with her, my heart still skips a beat. I receive a text from her, I can't help but smile. I got a phone call from her the other day and the mere fact that she called me sent me to cloud nine. I can't explain it, I can't understand it, it's just there. What has my heart done to me? I don't understand myself anymore. 

As much as this is bizarre and weird, when I think about her, when I think about how much I just want to pursue her, I've never felt so real. It is so strange, but I feel more human, more in touch with what it really means to be alive when I think about pursuing this girl. This is all completely unfounded, completely without any spark from her, completely foolish, I know, but that is simply how it is, that is where my heart is speaking right now. I keep bringing it to God, and all that I can pray is, "You know this is good... just for once let what I want be what You want too..." Foolish? Selfish? Impossible? Yes, maybe, but maybe even more than that it's just...real.

Win

Love wins. Let that sink in. Love wins. My last really serious conversation of my collegiate career was with my good friend Karmen. We threw around ideas, reflections and memories of our time at school. At one point she turned to me and asked me simply, "What is the one thing that you think you've walked out of Benedictine really knowing?" I thought about it for a minute and all that I could simply say is that love is everything, love is the cornerstone of existence, love wins. What a concept, something that is just so concrete and real to Christianity, but something that is forgotten time and time again. 

I look back at the four years that helped to form me into who I am today and I would not be in the place I am at all had it not been for love, period. Countless times I considered transferring out of school to go someplace else, someplace away from the drama, the pain, the hurt, the frustrations that sometimes accompany small Catholic schools. Countless times I'd wake up and stare at the ceiling (or bottom bunk in the case of Junior year) and just wonder, "Why am I here?" Love. Love is why I was there, love is what transformed me, love is what brought me low and raised me up, love is what shattered my heart and stitched it back together again making it even more beautiful than it was before, love is what slapped me across the face and called me to a life beyond my own confined view of what it should be, love is what won my soul. Despite the ups and downs, the joys and pains, the laughter and the tears, one thing flowed through it all and kept everything together, love. Thomas Merton said once, "Nothing counts except love." That's it, the Lord of the universe came and sacrificed Himself to be with us because He loves us. Love is the end game. Love is the key to life. Love is all that matters. Love wins.

I stand on the threshold of a new chapter of my life. There are countless questions that face me and plague my mind, but ultimately, it's okay that I don't know what's next, because I know the end of it all, love wins. If I'm called to live at home, love wins. If I'm called to Wyoming, love wins. If I'm called to the midwest to pursue my heart's desire, love wins. Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have conquered the world" that is, the King of Love has conquered the darkness and depths of sin. Love wins. In how I relate to my family, love must win. In how I relate to my friends, love must win. In how I relate to my God, love must win. That's it, that is the crowning jewel of my educational experience at Benedictine, nothing else matters but love because ultimately love wins. It is time for me to let go, to dive in, to jump, trust that He will catch me and just let love win in my life. That's it, nothing else matters, only love. God, Who is Love has given Himself to us, His sacrifice on the cross is the most radical statement ever made in the history of the universe: love wins.

Say

Even if your hands are shakin'

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closin'

Do it with a heart wide open

Wide open

Say what you need to say

This is it. I'm standing on the edge of another dive into radical trust in God with my life, I graduated from Benedictine today, and there are a few things that I just need to say. How can I adequately express what God has done and will continue to do with me because of my experience at Benedictine? Words are simply not enough. As we're all departing and making for our new adventures and undertakings all I can think of is this: jump, and trust that God is going to catch you.

That has continually been the theme of this past calendar year for me. Last April, I was given a position in St. Joseph hall, one that I did not want, one that I thought would ruin my last year of college, but, ultimately, I just had to jump and trust that God would catch me.That was the best thing that could have happened to me this year, period. Throughout the year as I've continued to work hard towards my academics, relationships, and leadership roles it's always come back to this simple idea of jumping and trusting that God is going to catch you.

So, here we are, fellow classmates. Some of us know what we're doing next year and have everything lined up for us. Others (like myself) are still trying to figure that out, regardless of where you find yourself in the scale of preparedness just remember: jump and trust that God is going to catch you. Thank you all for giving me the opportunities to do that. Thank you for your love and support and your patience with my inadequacies over the years. I took a leap in coming to Benedictine, and God truly rewarded me for that by giving me you. I mean it, my life has forever been changed for the better because you have been a part of it. The smiles, the jokes, the tears that we've shared over the years have been incorporated into my soul. 

I can say with unwavering certainty that I love all of you very, very deeply. It is going to kill me to walk away from this place and not see many of you again for quite some time, but again, it's time for us to jump and trust that God will catch us. If there's one thing that I've learned during my time here at Benedictine, it is simply that love never fails. That's it, that is the crowning jewel of the knowledge that I have gained here. Each of you has come to occupy a special place in my heart, and I want you to know that I would absolutely, unequivocally do anything for each one of you. We may be leaving and taking on new beginnings in different parts of the country, but rest assured, you will always, always, always be able to count on me for whatever you need of me. I've come to see that God has chosen to love me through each one of you, and I only hope that you can say the same for me. To me, you're more than friends, you are my brothers and sisters that I love unreservedly. Thank you, so much, for everything. Dr. Seuss said once, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." When in doubt about what may or may not be around the corner, just jump, trust that God's going to catch you.

Stand

I'm not afraid to take a stand,

Everybody come take my hand,

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm,

Just let you know that you're not alone,

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road,

And I just can't keep living this way,

So starting today I'm breaking out of this cage,

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons,

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground,

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up,

Time to put my life back together right now.

Eminem's new single, "Not Afraid" has just rocked my world lately. It's so different from most of his singles, usually they're the irreverent, obnoxious Slim Shady songs. This song just hits on some deep, and I dare say, uplifting themes. He talks about being thrown down to the ground, being beaten into the ground, dealing with the darkness of depression and addiction, yet he's taking a stand, stepping up, cleaning house, making things new. 

I'm coming to the close of the year, and my heart is still fragile, it's still broken. I'm still unsure of everything. But I'm compelled by the overwhelming conviction that I just can't keep living this way. Time to stand up, face what is shattering me unwaveringly. What does that look like? I'm not sure yet, but whatever the hell it is I need to do, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do whatever the fuck it takes to own myself again.

Dissatisfied

I don't wanna be where you are,

I don't wanna be here even now,

I don't wanna be by your side,

Something isn't right,

Something isn't right.

God if You can hear me out alright,

Please take these feelings for her inside,

My chest hurts when I breathe tonight,

It's wasting me away, 

You're wasting me away,

My soul is dissatisfied. That's the best way to describe where I'm at. I thought I was getting better, I thought I was letting go, I thought that I was going to be strong enough to deal with all the circumstances encircling me. I was wrong. Every time she walks by, every time she looks away, my heart just hurts. My chest still continues to be tight, and as much as I've tried to lay this all out before God, there's something in me that simply can't do it. If I was to just be completely honest with myself, I'd be forced to come to the conclusion that I allowed myself to fall in love with her, and I'm coming face-to-face with the reality that has slapped me across the face countless times before: romantic love is not meant for me. Experience speaks louder than any reason, it screams incessantly "you're not worth it, give it up." 

Being here just hurts, I don't want to be here any more. I don't want to be anywhere, I'm just very unsettled right now. All I want is for God to just take these feelings I have for her inside and let me start fresh. It kills me inside just how cold things seem to be anymore. I'm certain that I've lost my mind, what else could explain why I still want to pursue her? Why do I let this happen to me? Something isn't right, I'm so stupid. I just hurt, and I don't want to hurt for her any longer. God, please take away these feelings for her... please.

Ascending

And I'm trying to make you sing,

From inside where you believe,

Like it's something that you need,

Like it means everything,

And I'm trying to make you feel,

That this is for real,

That life is happening,

And it means everything,

I'm just trying to make you sing,

Tonight, I listened to this song by David Crowder for the first time since I listened through the whole album in high school. At the time I last heard the song, I thought, "This is such a pointless song." Tonight though, something in it just hit me, and made a huge impact. 

The whole premise is about the idea of this lark, the lark that is rising and pulling all of us with him. Christ is the ultimate lark, He is the one Who is pulling us up with Him, even though "the ground is pulling at our feet." If you think about a lark, they're not very big, they're not necessarily impressive looking, but their songs can lift the very soul of anyone who listens. It is fitting therefore that Christ is the lark, the song of His love is enough to lift anyone who listens to it. Yet, this song is not a solo, it's meant to be a duet. Just as Christ is the lark, we too are called to be larks, we're to be pulled up and raised up and sing beautifully in harmony with the song of Christ. 

He's singing out to us, He's pouring out His love unreservedly. He's "trying to make you sing." We sing as Christians, we walk the walk, sometimes, and we may even talk the talk, but does it come from inside? When the rubber hits the road, and things are crappy and the whole world seems to be crumbling around us, do we sing the duet of trust and love that God, our Divine Lark, is calling us to sing with Him? Does it come from inside where you truly believe, where it's something that the soul needs. Every single moment is real, just stop and think about that, it's real. How many moments do we let pass by without a second thought, without feeling and understanding that it is real. Life is happening, God is singing out to us, trying to lift us from this ground that "pulls at our feet" and bring us into His Glory. This is real, this is happening now, and guess what? IT MEANS EVERYTHING.

Position

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh they can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Ah Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
At every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin' there
Holdin' my tounge tryna talk like this
'Till I stuck my tounge on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone... so
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through oh
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
so oh oh

Thursday afternoon, I needed to leave Atchison. I needed to not be here for a while, I just needed to disappear, and dissociate for a while. I went down to Pittsburg, Kansas to visit my friend Mike. It's a three hour drive from Atchison to Pittsburg, and throughout most of the drive I ended up listening to "Beautiful" by Eminem for most of the drive. I'm in a strange position across the board and I'm just done, I've been hard to reach lately and I think that I'm slipping into a mild depression. I'm losing interest in most everything, I just don't care. I've beginning to feel distant again, and I just need some spark to bring me back. 

Heartache sucks. Not knowing what I'm going to do with my life next year sucks. I'm beginning to search for my worth in the wrong places again, in academics, in relationships, in how funny I may be. Listening to this song, in some small, messed up way, was therapeutic during the drive to and from Pittsburg. As I thought through all the murmurings that are allegedly being said about me, the main thrust of the chorus just helped me deal with it, "don't let them say you ain't beautiful, they can all get fucked, just stay true to you." I don't know if anything I'm hearing is even grounded, and I try not to get carried away on rumors but some of this stuff just hurts, and the only thing that's getting me through this is thinking, "they can all get fucked, just stay true to you." I'm broken, yes. I'm bitter sometimes, yes. I care too much sometimes, yes. I'm a hypocrite, yes. Yet, here I am, and for right now, I just need to stay true to me, even if that means indulging in my bitter side.