Friday, March 28, 2008

Whisper

Then the Lord said, "Go outside and stand on the mountain before the Lord; the Lord will be passing by. A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the Lord–but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake–but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was fire–but the Lord was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave. –1 Kings 19:11-13


The Lord was not in the heavy wind, the earthquake, or the fire. These incredible, powerful aspects of nature were not how God chose to reveal Himself to Elijah, it was in the tiny whispering sound that He made His presence known to Elijah. How fitting, how beautiful, how glorious. All throughout the history of salvation, God often choose to reveal Himself in the small, simple things. Whether it be He revealed Himself in the tiny whispering sound or came as the son of a poor carpenter, how incredible is our God?

A lot of times as a Christian I get caught up in the idea that God has to break open the skies and give me some incredible sign in order for me to know what it is that He truly wishes for me but, that's not how God is. He is in the tiny whispering sound. I mean, think about it, if we don't just shut up and stop waiting around for the heavy wind, the earthquake, or the fire we're going to miss the tiny whisper of love, calling us closer to His Sacred Heart. That's not to say that God can't come in those incredible, life-changing experiences because He's God, He can do whatever He so desires, but, it's almost in this tiny whisper that He calls us towards humility.

A whisper is a soft murmuring sound according to Webster's dictionary, in order to hear this soft murmuring we too need to be quiet and listen, really, really listen. It's humbling, it really is, in our society we're so used to being loud and always being enveloped in a constant stream of meaningless garble. When we stop being loud and stop being so damn convinced of our own importance maybe, just maybe, we can settle down long enough to let God's whisper be heard in the depths of our souls. I get caught up in the monotony of day to day living and I begin to forget about the importance of sitting in silence and just being in love with God. It's only in those times of silence and waiting "for the Lord to pass by" that my soul can hear God say to me what it is that I really need to hear...

"I love you."

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Little

"Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me." -Matthew 25:40

The other night I was at adoration and my old youth minister from high school, Ike, came in and prayed at the same time I was. Just before I was about to leave, Ike gathered up his things and left the chapel, I finished up my prayer and went outside to see if I could still catch him before he went home. As I walk out of the chapel, I see him walking towards the garbage can just a few feet away. Unaware of what was going on, and just thinking that Ike was throwing out a piece of garbage, I smiled and said, "What's up Ike?" He gave me this incredibly serious look, which I've only seen on his face once before in my life. I turn around and standing beside the door to get into the adoration chapel, there's a skinny blonde woman, probably no older than 25 standing there, shivering, wearing a Patriots jersey, jeans, flip-flops and she also had a cast on her right hand. She looked dazed, confused and a little scared.

It was then that I looked back and saw that Ike had just put out a cigarette butt, which I knew instantly had to be this woman's cigarette since Ike is vehemently opposed to "cancer sticks." So, we both walk over towards this girl, and she asks us, "What are you guys doing here?" Ike responds, "We've just been here to pray, that's all." She looked around her and continued, "Can you guys pray..." she muttered the rest of her sentence, and Ike responded, "Well, we just finished praying actually, is there anything that we can do for you?" She looked down at her white flip-flops and a tear fell from her face, her body continued to shake. Ike and I looked at each other, we both walked closer towards her. Ike asked again, "Is there anything that we can do for you?" She wiped another tear from her face, sniffled and said to us, "Can you please pray with me? Just... please pray with me, please?"

Without any hesitation Ike placed his hand on her shoulder, I set my books down on the ground and followed his lead. Ike asked this girl, "What's your name?" She continued to shake and was just able to stutter out, "J-J--Julie." Ike put his other hand on his chest and said, "Well Julie, I'm Ike and this is John and we're just going to put our hands on you and just pray over you, is that alright?"

"Y-ye-yes."

"Heavenly Father, we just praise Your Holy name, all glory and honor is for You and You alone God..." Ike began to pray, as I whispered softly to myself, "Lord, send Your spirit out upon her, be with her Jesus." We continued to pray over our sister for the next few minutes, and as the prayer continued on, the more she began to quiver. She started shaking so much that I had to grip her shoulder to keep her from falling over. Ike concluded the prayer with a "Hail Mary" and we both looked up into Julie's face. A slight smile cracked across her countenance, and she continued to shiver. There was a few moments of silence, Ike could see the shivering was overtaking Julie, he had a jacket on so without thinking he unzipped his jacket and helped Julie put it on. Ike continued to talk to her:
"You looked cold Julie."
"Yeah"
"You're more than welcome to the jacket Julie."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome, where are you from Julie?"
"Colorado."
"How long have you been in Arizona?"
"Umm... I don't know, twenty-two minus three?"
Ike looked up to me but I was completely lost for words, I had never had an experience like this before. Ike continued on, "Well Julie, there's a chapel here and I don't know what faith you're from..." "Catholic," Julie answered without hesitation. "Oh, then yeah, our Lord is present here in the Eucharist all the time and you can go in and visit with Him if you want to, it's warm and comfortable, you can just rest in the presence of God," Ike finished. She nodded a little bit and Ike asked, "Would you like to go inside?"
"Yes, please."

Ike punched in the code to unlock the chapel and explained to Julie how to get in. He opened the door for Julie and walked in behind her, he signaled to me to wait for a couple minutes for him to come back. I watched as he walked in with Julie and sat beside her in front of our Lord. All that I could think to myself was the verse from Matthew 25,

"Come you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me." -Matthew 25: 34-36


Ike did that, he took the jacket right off of his back and gave it to Julie without any concern for himself. I was amazed by just how profound this experience was unfolding before my eyes.

A few minutes later, Ike returned with Julie. Julie lit a cigarette and asked us questions about what we were doing there and even what was in Ike's pocket. The whole entire time, Ike continued to talk to her and tried to comfort her while I stood there, dumbfounded and speechless. Julie bent down with her cigarette in hand, looked down at the ground and I could just see the drops of tears fall onto the ground and leave little puddles. She looked up at the two of us and said, "This is going to sound horrible, but I just wanted some speed." Ike looked her in the eyes and said, "Yet you ended up here at a chapel instead?" She looked around and asked, "Chapel? Where is there a chapel?" Ike and I explained to her that where she had just walked out of was the chapel. She finished her cigarette and asked Ike to put it out for her, which he did. He asked her, "Do you want to go back inside?" She nodded and said, "Yes, I do." So Ike unlocked the chapel again and walked in behind her, again I stood dumbfounded and wondering what exactly was I supposed to do? Ike looked at me, understanding my confusion and said, "Mr. Hyland, it was good to see you again, you are more than welcome to stay and pray with us, or if you need to go, feel free to go." I knew my mother was going to start getting worried, being that it was almost two in the morning. I explained to Ike that I needed to go and asked him if he wanted me to call someone. He smiled and said, "Who are you going to call man? I just thought she could stay here, she's not totally with us dude, she's on something. I'll stay with her, don't worry about it. Have a good night."

With that I walked back to my car and began to simply reflect on all that had just happened over the past twenty minutes of my life. Despite the fact that I really didn't do anything at all I know that Ike's witness to Julie was enough to touch me and call me back towards why it is that I want to be a youth minister. I want to help people, however God can use me. Whether it be in a youth office talking to a teen, or outside of a chapel talking to a confused woman looking for a ray of hope. I was blown away by all that Ike had done and was truly, truly humbled by the experience. Thank God for all He does, and how He reaches out to us, even in the strangest of fashions.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Doubt

My life is a series of questions currently. There's all this doubt and confusion about what it is exactly that God is leading me to and what it is that He would have me do. I was talking with Fr. Gerry today and the thing that he said to me was, "Don't let the question be the answer."

Don't let the question be the answer. What exactly does that mean?

I'm thinking about this and really reflecting on it and it just made sense, don't let these doubts and concerns really overrun my life and become too much for me to even grow closer to God. I mean, granted, I need to discern God's will for me, but when discerning His will takes up such a big portion of my soul that I can't even focus on growing closer to Him then what is the point? It's falling into the whole "Martha" bit instead of "Mary," but this is a whole new dimension to it. I've been listening to a lot of Matt Nathanson recently and he has this song, "Car Crash" where some of the lyrics have just really echoed what I think my heart is trying it's hardest to express, despite the confusion.

"I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down
I wanna feel the car crash
I wann feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, my heart stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright"

I want to let go and know that I'll be alright. I want to be able to just freaking let go and not worry about whatever pain may come and just know that I'll be alright, no matter what. THAT I'LL BE ALRIGHT NO MATTER WHAT! Love is a weird thing, every ounce of my being wants to be with her, but I want to let go, and be alright...alright.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Why?

"As the deer longs for streams of water,
so my soul longs for you, O God.
My being thirsts for God, the living God.
When can I go and see the face of God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
as they ask daily,
'Where is your God?'
Those times I recall
as I pour out my soul,
When I went in procession with the crowd,
I went with them to the house of God,
Amid loud cries of thanksgiving,
with the multitude keeping festival.
Why are you downcast, my soul;
why do you groan within me?
Wait for God, whom I shall praise again,
my savior and my God." —Psalm 44:1-6

Why are you downcast, my soul? Why do you groan within me? It seems as if things have just fallen apart over a period of the past two to three days. My heart hurts. I just don't understand why it is that these random pains have just come out of nowhere. God has just been confusing me to no end, I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to just do what it is that He is asking of me, and yet, He hasn't really given me any concrete things to do. I mean, "let go" is so ambiguous. I guess the thing that really grabs me about the Psalm is that, the author acknowledges that his soul is hurting, it's downcast and groaning, and yet, the author knows that he needs to praise God. This is what he understands his soul needs, so he will wait for God. What an incredible idea, waiting for God, obviously, there is no way that we can be separate from God, but there definitely come times in our lives where it will seem like we need to wait for God to respond, but, that is accompanied at least in this passage, with a sense of hope. The understanding that no matter how much his soul is downcast or how much his heart is hurting, he will still wait for God, he will still love God, he will still pursue His will first and foremost. I need to do the same... easier said than done.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

"Jesus, my everything."

"Lord, it's hard to know You,
I don't always see Your plan,
But holiness is calling me,
So take me as I am.

You are my everything,
You are the song I sing,
I'll do anything for You,
Teach me how to pray,
To live a life of grace,
I'll go anywhere with You,

Jesus, be my everything."

Why is life so complicated sometimes? I mean, there are times where I can sing and praise the Lord without questioning anything, because I know in the depths of my soul that everything is in His hands. Then, there are times where nothing makes any sense at all and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs out of frustration and confusion. This is particularly true in regards to my "love life" or, lack thereof. If I was to be completely honest with myself right now and to lay out on the line everything that is going on in my heart, the phrase that would come from it would be something to the effect of, "What more do I need to do? Why am I not yet worthy of this gift of a relationship that I so badly yearn for?" I mean, I love the Lord, He has my heart first and foremost by then why does He allow this confusion and befuddlement to cloud up my intellect, will and emotions?

I look at this incredible woman who I was sure God was placing in my path and realize that, there's nothing going on there, and it's highly unlikely that there will ever be anything in the future. I mean, I appreciate her so much, and I totally understand where she's at in her faith walk, but really God, why have You lead me in this fashion seemingly for naught? I was reading in Lamentations a few nights ago, and a few verses from Chapter 3 stood out to me:

"My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is;
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hope for from the Lord.

The thought of my homeless poverty
is wormwood and gall;
Remembering it over and over
leaves my soul downcast within me.
But I will call this to mind,
as my reason to have hope:

The favors of the Lord are not exhausted,
his mercies are not spent;
They are renewed each morning,
so great is his faithfulness.
My portion is the Lord, says my soul:
therefore I will hope in him.

Good is the Lord to one who waits for him,
to the soul that seeks him;
it is good to hope in silence
for the saving help of the Lord."
-Lamentations 3:17-26

See, Jeremiah knew what was up. He felt no peace at all, and his soul was disturbed in all that was surrounding him, and yet, he still hoped in the Lord. What's more, he hoped in silence, even though that silence was from God, he still hoped in him. Why is it so hard for me to do that. Why can't my prayer simply be, "Father, I don't understand You, but I trust You." I want that to be my prayer, I really wish that I could say that, but, my heart is not at that place right now, the desire to be there is present, but it has yet to have been realized yet. Then again... maybe that's enough?


Friday, March 7, 2008

Noticed

I can't believe I've never noticed my heart before, at least, it was never there until I noticed you. What an interesting concept...