"Jesus, my everything."

"Lord, it's hard to know You,
I don't always see Your plan,
But holiness is calling me,
So take me as I am.

You are my everything,
You are the song I sing,
I'll do anything for You,
Teach me how to pray,
To live a life of grace,
I'll go anywhere with You,

Jesus, be my everything."

Why is life so complicated sometimes? I mean, there are times where I can sing and praise the Lord without questioning anything, because I know in the depths of my soul that everything is in His hands. Then, there are times where nothing makes any sense at all and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs out of frustration and confusion. This is particularly true in regards to my "love life" or, lack thereof. If I was to be completely honest with myself right now and to lay out on the line everything that is going on in my heart, the phrase that would come from it would be something to the effect of, "What more do I need to do? Why am I not yet worthy of this gift of a relationship that I so badly yearn for?" I mean, I love the Lord, He has my heart first and foremost by then why does He allow this confusion and befuddlement to cloud up my intellect, will and emotions?

I look at this incredible woman who I was sure God was placing in my path and realize that, there's nothing going on there, and it's highly unlikely that there will ever be anything in the future. I mean, I appreciate her so much, and I totally understand where she's at in her faith walk, but really God, why have You lead me in this fashion seemingly for naught? I was reading in Lamentations a few nights ago, and a few verses from Chapter 3 stood out to me:

"My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is;
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hope for from the Lord.

The thought of my homeless poverty
is wormwood and gall;
Remembering it over and over
leaves my soul downcast within me.
But I will call this to mind,
as my reason to have hope:

The favors of the Lord are not exhausted,
his mercies are not spent;
They are renewed each morning,
so great is his faithfulness.
My portion is the Lord, says my soul:
therefore I will hope in him.

Good is the Lord to one who waits for him,
to the soul that seeks him;
it is good to hope in silence
for the saving help of the Lord."
-Lamentations 3:17-26

See, Jeremiah knew what was up. He felt no peace at all, and his soul was disturbed in all that was surrounding him, and yet, he still hoped in the Lord. What's more, he hoped in silence, even though that silence was from God, he still hoped in him. Why is it so hard for me to do that. Why can't my prayer simply be, "Father, I don't understand You, but I trust You." I want that to be my prayer, I really wish that I could say that, but, my heart is not at that place right now, the desire to be there is present, but it has yet to have been realized yet. Then again... maybe that's enough?