I've just had the writing itch all afternoon. Since I cannot fall asleep, I decided to just stop, breathe in, and write, like the good days of college when I could just write with no superior purpose or drive, but to just write for the therapy of it all. I look around at my life and where I stand currently, there are a few things that simply must be noted as the true things that matter.
God. He matters, even though my life doesn't always perfectly reflect that, He is so good to me. I sometimes forget in the hustle and bustle of day-to-day living that He is intertwined intimately with it all. Nothing happens apart from His knowledge or having His hand in it, He matters not only because of the fact that He is unequivocally, but He matters because He is to me. He has recognized me in my weakness and decided to try and claim me from my fallen state purely out of His goodness and His love.
Memories. Memories matter so much to me, not only sentimentally but also spiritually. The other day I was thinking about my good friend Melissa and just how good, virtuous and loving our relationship is/was starting with that very random but incredible sophomore year of college. The coffee nights, the random chats on AIM, her insights and wisdom reaching out and enlightening my heart and soul. Memories of the countless experiences with my friends through the years and just how God has truly blessed me with some of the world's greatest people, truly.
Friends. Friends matter, they get me, they love me and it is so beautiful. Nothing else truly needs to be said because these friends that God has so blessed me with have been my companions, my classmates and my teachers in the school of love.
Love. This can neatly be summarized simply as follows by Thomas Merton, "One thing has suddenly hit me-nothing counts except love."
I went to confession yesterday afternoon and went into the adoration chapel afterwards to pray my penance and as I was kneeling before God Himself, I just gazed up at Him. I prayed my penance and prayed, "I'm so tired of these sins God, I'm so tired of repeatedly offending You, I can't handle this any longer, my soul is ready to just burst." As I kneeled there in the silence I heard His voice, something I haven't heard in a long time. He spoke to my heart and said, "Why do you try to fight this war alone? Why don't you come to Me? You sit in your office a two minute walk away from Me and you don't ever stop to see Me. Let Me feed you again." It was quite a rude awakening, but one that I needed. How far have I let my prayer life slip this past year and a half I've been here? I look at my time at Benedictine, and yes, there my prayer life could be hit-or-miss as well, but at least there I knew how to keep Him at the forefront of everything.
There's this war that's been waging inside my soul, concupiscence has been winning far more often than grace. How can I expect to live a grace-filled life if I don't ever turn to the Giver of grace? Back and forth my soul goes, at one time aligned with God and seeking His face half-heartedly at best, then other times I simply give up and fall into vices. I cannot win this war alone, I need Him. I am the war inside, my own worst enemy is my own concupiscence but God is bigger than that. He alone can reach through my shit and pull me out, but I need to turn to Him. I'm so tired of this war, I'm so tired of walking the line between virtue and vice, I want Him to come and win this war inside of me.
I just need to write because this has been weighing heavy on my heart for a while now, and if I don't express it, I feel like I might implode. The reality of my life is this: I just want a girl friend. That's it, I said it, I'm 'fessing up to it. This isn't motivated by the circle of my close friends having relationships, getting married, having children or anything like that, it's motivated by the fact that I just want someone to call "mine" and to have someone call me "theirs." That's it, plain and simple. Is there something so wrong with that? Is there something so wrong with me...?
On Sunday a group of teens were talking with me, granted, they were immature girls in high school but regardless, stuff hurts. As we were talking, one of them noticed my tattoo and said, "Why do you have tattooed love wins? You haven't seemed to have much luck with it." Ouch. Yet, that is my reality, plain and simple no matter how you try to slice the deck or justify the situation I'm left with the one overwhelming reality that I have only had one "girlfriend" in my entire existence that lasted for little over two months. Every other failed attempt has left me more scarred than the last leaving me with this intrinsic doubt which, like it or not, has come to define my life and my lack of romance: I must not be good enough for anybody who I truly like.
If I was to be totally honest and throw everything out on the line, I would be forced to say that all I really want is someone to love and to be loved in return. That's it. The other night I had this incredible dream that I was walking hand-in-hand with a lady (who this lady was, I don't know) but just the mere fact that we were walking and I was holding her hand was so incredible to me. I woke up from that dream and quite frankly, didn't want to face the rest of the day, if I would have had things my way, I would have tried to go back to sleep to recapture that. I just want someone to be able to, dare I even dream it, hold as we just watch a movie, listen to music, it doesn't matter! I want someone to fall in love with. This is so simple and for some people the reality of dating is just a normal part of life, girlfriends walk in and out of some of my friends' lives like water flows through a river, but that is not the case for me. This is not meant to sound like a search for pity or anything like that, this is meant to simply say one thing, and that is that I so deeply desire romantic love with a woman. That's it. It's what I dream about, fantasize about, hope and pray for yet no matter what I do it always seems to slip through my fingers, like some elusive mystical treasure.
Am I wrong for wanting this? Is God simply saying to me, "Sorry kid, no luck for you, suck it up, move on." Have I been deluding myself the past four years of my life being assured of my vocation to the married life?
As of late I've been obsessed with Owl City's new album, "All Things Bright and Beautiful." The music is light-hearted, whimsical and uplifting. Adam Young has a gift of being able to just paint such vivid mental images. The album's title is so fitting as each and every song is so bright and, well, beautiful. There is such a need for true beauty in our society today and we have become so numb that we have a hard time discovering and recognizing true beauty.
I took a course in college on Logic and Nature in philosophy. My professor for that class was a snide, self-righteous man who always seemed to have an answer for everything. Once in class he posed a question: "Is beauty in the eye of the beholder?" The general compulsion of the class was to answer, "Well, yes, what some may see as beautiful, others may not." He shook his head and was utterly disappointed in us. "What about music, is there an intrinsically better type of music out there than others?" he asked. People began to become indignant, "No, absolutely not, it's all up to taste." He once again shook his head and said, "So, beauty, taste, it all just boils down to the interpretation of the individual?" We seemed happy with that philosophical conclusion and my professor moved on, very visibly disappointed in our conclusions.
For the longest time I was so confused by that, what did it matter? So I don't like country, I don't say that it's an inferior form of music because it's not Beethoven. It wasn't until recently that the gravity of that little conversation in class finally impacted me, and it made sense.
Beauty comes from fulfilling and meeting the intended ends of any given nature or thing. If there is a true order to the world, then there must be true ends. For humanity, our true end is virtue, both natural and supernatural. The reason my professor was so disappointed with our response to the simple question of whether beauty is in the eye of the beholder or not boils down to whether or not we understood that there is such a thing as absolute truth. We all have a view of the world, the point my professor was driving at was that there has to be a greater truth, above and beyond our own confined views, a truth which is perfect. Within the light of this truth, beauty finds itself waltzing hand-in-hand with fulfilling true ends. When we hear music for example, it has to follow a certain rhythm, a certain coordination of notes, instruments, voices and emotion in order to be recognizable and truly beautiful. Scratching keys on a car is not music. Kicking against a trash can haphazardly causing a ruckus does not make it music. There has to be meaning to beauty, it has to reach a specific end. Our beauty doesn't lie in our outward appearances, our eloquent words, it lies instead in whether or not our lives are lived virtuously.
How does this tie back to Owl City? It ties back like this: there is a crisis of beauty in our world today, and we need to recapture it. I appreciate Owl City's music because it, in its own way, is beautiful. The melodies are perfectly placed, the notes correspond and dance rhythmically creating a wondrous feast for the ears. Our souls are hard-wired to be drawn to the beautiful, because beauty is simply an echo and reminder of the much deeper reality of Who Truth is. In and through his music, Adam Young is participating in beauty and by writing good, beautiful music, he is in turn reflecting and sharing the beauty of God. We too are called to this beauty! Whatever we find ourselves in, being a student, being a part of the workforce, being a mother, being a brother or a sister, a son or a daughter, be beautiful and virtuous in those callings! That is where we will find our beauty, that is where God can truly work to draw others to Himself through the beauty we participate in with Him.
True beauty in this world, whether we find it in well-written books, melodious music or even in nature surrounding us is meant to point us back to the author of all beauty, of all truth, God Himself. St. Paul knew the importance of recognizing the true, the good and the beautiful as a Christian, consider his letter to the Philippians, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." We are surrounded by it, but how often do we truly stop, breathe it in and revel in the beauty that surrounds our daily lives? Seek beauty.
When I was a sophomore in college, this song was one of the songs I returned to repeatedly to help me make sense of the circumstances around me. That year was a year of a lot of growing pains for me, academically, socially, spiritually and even romantically. With all of these changes, I often found myself confused, doubtful and hurt more often than clear-sighted, certain and peaceful. Prayer was the foundation and cornerstone of everything that year, from discerning paper topics to questions about dating, everything, I placed in the hands of the Lord and eagerly awaited some response, some whisper from Him. Sometimes I would get a response, other times I would feel ignored. How could I truly know God's will? I wanted to follow it so vehemently, and yet I was always second-guessing my every move, my every decision. Yet, despite all of my muddled attempts at discovering a sure-fire way to discern God's will, it was that year that I came to realize something that changed my perspective on the way everything worked for good.
What is love? A topic as broad and as deep as love I'm not going to be able to claim to answer in a short blog post, but there are certain attributes to love that I do feel confident are integral to understanding what love truly is. In my Christian Moral Life class that year in college, we talked about virtues, grace, freedom and of course love. Dr. Rziha, our professor, continually pounded into our heads a few key phrases, "Knowledge leads to love which leads to unity," and, "love is making the needs and wants of the beloved your own." Simple enough, but infinitely difficult to truly master in practicality.
If you consider all things occurring in your life and you were to just take a snapshot, what would we see? Where does your love lead you? We are always following our loves, and the things we love are the things we know the best (knowledge leads to love which leads to unity). Which begs the question, how well do we really know God? That omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent Being that He is, can we truly know Him, and His will? Yes, we can, in knowing the Person, Jesus Christ, we come to truly know God Himself. He meets us in the ways our senses can understand, through the sacraments, especially through the sacrament of the Eucharist, where we truly touch and taste Him and become one with Him in His entirety. Love makes the wants and needs of the beloved their own, if we are to truly love God, how can we be sure we are doing God's will? Surely that would prove to God that we truly loved Him if we followed His will, so why does He hide it from us so well it seems? Things are not as complex as we sometimes like to make them out to be.
We have a tendency as good-intentioned Catholic Christians to get so caught up in this obtuse sense of "God's will" that we forget that God's will isn't the "out there" it's the "in here" the close, the tangible workings of day-to-day life. Every moment, God has placed you in any given situation to give you the opportunity to be the holiest you can be in that moment. God's will isn't distant, hidden because it's immediate, surrounding us. This is not a written excuse to do whatever we so desire, it's an invitation to make the wants and needs of God our own at every moment. What are His needs and wants? He lacks nothing, He needs nothing, He has it all. His only want, His only desire, is quite simply our happiness, our true happiness. Happiness can only be found in doing the good, the true good, and this world is so full of good.
So, how can we be assured that the roads we take in life are the true goods God desires for us? Consider this: do you think that any of your decisions can trump the Creator's plan for the unfolding of the universe and your life? We have a tendency to think of God's will in terms of a map with a certain line that must be followed, when, more often than not, if we are truly loving God, truly seeking Him (which in turn, frees us and makes us happy) then it's not really a line that must be followed, it's more like an open book with the author saying, "choose my beloved." That's what love does, it's reciprocal, we seek Him with our hearts and keep a simple love for Him as the main drive for everything we do, then no matter what we do, we are assured that it is part of His will. Thomas Merton expressed it best in his "prayer of abandonment."
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so.
But I believe the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing.
I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
That's it. We may feel like sometimes we're going in blind, but ultimately, if love of God is our true guide and compass, all the roads lead back to Him. Love is making the needs and wants of the beloved your own, and quite simply, God's desire for us is to be happy with Him in heaven at the end of all things. Let love win in your life.
I met with her. After a few minutes of light, genial conversation she dropped the bomb, "Well, I'm seeing somebody, and I wanted to make sure you knew that."
What?
What kind of person does something like that? She spent the rest of the conversation continuing to drive hard on this point that she wanted to be friends with me. I mean, what do you do with something like that? I eventually was forced to come to a conclusion: she had/has a very misguided idea of how to love me. This has forced me into yet another chapter of trying to understand the deep mysteries of love.
I've been listening to this song by Switchfoot a lot lately, "Enough to Let Me Go." The general premise of the song is one person conversing with another simply asking, "Do you love me enough to let me go?" This seems so counter-intuitive, but is it really? Love, necessarily, must know when to hold tight and when to let go for the sake of the beloved.
In my Christian Moral Life class in college, love was one of the most important things we talked about the entire semester. Along with being drilled on the basic principle, "knowledge leads to love which leads to unity," there was another key, essential point that I walked out of that class with: love is making the wants and needs of the beloved your own. Love is totally centered on the other person, it's totally focused on what their needs are, their wants, their dreams and how you can put those ahead of your own. Mark Hart summarized it once saying, "Love is not give and take, love is give." Powerful words, for a very powerful virtue.
Can one love through letting go? I would submit that yes it can, and even in some circumstances it must. Consider the parent who loves his child so much, but understands that what is best for his beloved child is to let him go away for college to grow as an adult. Consider the best friend who has to let his friend go to a certain extent as life's circumstances change (i.e. new jobs, marriage, different opportunities) all because he understands that these other circumstances, which require a "letting go" are going to bring about the happiness of the beloved best friend. Think of even Christ Himself, Who ascended into heaven, knowing that sending of the Holy Spirit was going to be the best for His apostles and for His beloved Church. He had to let go of being with them in the physical, tangible, earthly sense so that His beloved could grow in holiness in a new and dynamic way that His physical presence could otherwise hinder.
Love must not be selfish, it can't be called love if it is. As I consider everything with Ashley and her continued insistence on being "friends" after all of the heart-wrenching agony she caused in my life, I'm forced to conclude that she must genuinely not have a true grasp on what love really means. A lot of people have a very misguided sense of love, that love means grasping a hold of and never letting go, keeping people close because that is the only way that they can be loved, but in reality, sometimes that isn't even love, it's just selfish need for attention. I have been forced to conclude that everything with Ashley simply boils down to that: she wants my friendship for the "warm-fuzzies" she may receive for it, but has no consideration for how my soul feels or where my circumstance lies. If she truly loved me, she would understand that she needed to love me enough to let me go, and that is really all I can hope for in regards to this terrible heartache that I've been left with. Let me go.
It's one in the morning here in New Mexico and as I was trying to slip off into sleep there's just been this part of me that has been unsettled. A thought has continued to buzz back and forth across my subconscious, occasionally bubbling up into my consciousness and finally forcing me to pay attention to it. The thought is simple, it is not difficult to understand, but it is difficult to live out, to practice, to truly implement. The thought is this, "love without reservation." Simple, elegant and tangible, yet at the same time complex, crude and inconceivable. Why do these thoughts continue to plague me? Why is it that I simply cannot get these ideas out of my head, I think it's because God is trying to do something in me, and it is absolutely terrifying.
When I walked away from the business with Ashley, that was truly my heart's intent to walk away and never look back. Months of bitterness, confusion and anguish have melted away into prayers leading me to believe God is not done with that relationship.
What?
Absurd? Yes. Completely fabricated in my own mind? Quite possibly. Yet there are these subtle nudges, gentle whispers in odd circumstances that force me to consider things in a different light. Tiny ways of God moving that continue to tap ever so gently upon my intentions and worldview. I come to God in prayer saying, "I only want Your will" to which I feel He responds, "Even if it means going back to the cross?"
Not necessarily the words I want to hear.
It started months ago, one night Rita and I sat, talked and shared. She turned to me at one point and said, "Do you think there's any chance that things could happen again between you and Ashley?" I responded simply, "I don't know, God would really have to make things very clear for me to know He wanted me to go back to that place." Weeks passed, the spring slipped uneventfully into the summer and I began to get the itch, I wanted out of this place, there was no community that I could see in front of me, I missed the people I loved so dearly, I would have traded my soul if it meant I could leave. Then God used Omair and the song, "Reidi Gul" to change my heart, my mind and help me to see the beauty of the desert. Conference came and went, the thoughts began to creep back into my mind, "Maybe I should try again..."
Try again? After all that hurt? All that pain? All the brokenness that invaded my life?
I dismissed it, "Nonsense, completely ridiculous." Weeks continued their slow, steady march. Then, one Friday morning, I walked out of mass, expecting yet another bout of non-communication between she and I. "John! Wait up," she said to me. We talked, and it wasn't weird, it wasn't riddled with bitterness, it wasn't excruciatingly painful, it was simply real. It was a re-introduction to why I fell so hard for this girl. She expressed pain, loneliness, a lack of community. Suddenly everything that I had been struggling with for the past two months connected. She was going through the exact same thing. I left for Denver, the dreamland that I was hoping to connect with, to truly love and say, "This is where I have peace."
That peace never came.
As beautiful as it was to be up there, as much as I appreciated the time I had there, there was just a simple nagging in my soul saying, "You need to go back home, there's beautiful things waiting for you." I couldn't wrap my mind around it. On the drive down I was reflecting on everything and I began to feel an incredible sense of peace returning there. Exclusive of anything that may be associated with Ashley, I genuinely wanted to be back here. He is doing something I'm simply not privy to yet.
I've been writing a song, not necessarily to perform for anyone, not necessarily for anyone to ever hear. Just a song that if I truly had the gumption, the guts or motivation for, I would sing to her. My father noted my facebook status simply saying that I was trying to write my own song the other night. He asked me, "Are you writing a song for that lady you're missing? Send her a flower, tell her she's missed, see what happens. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want." My dad never shares any advice, he never comments on my love life.
Sometimes you have to fight for what you want? Seriously?
I was re-reading through sex-God tonight, hoping to find something to connect with, to soothe my soul, and to cast out all of these idiotic assertions of trying once again at this same old song-and-dance. I stumbled across this, "Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted." Truer words have never been spoken. I know that pain all too well, and I'm not keen on hopping right back into another almost assured heartache.
Then, I consider St. Joseph. God asked of him some of the most absurd, ridiculous things, but he always did what was asked, even if it hurt him. Marrying Mary, knowing she was pregnant and that he didn't have any hand in that? Packing up his new family and moving to a foreign land? He did what was asked even if it was painful and confusing, because St. Joseph understood that a true love is a crucified love. Love is a truly dangerous wonder. It's what we're made for.
What if God is asking of me to do something I would never do? What if He is asking me to put my heart on the line once again not being assured of the ultimate outcome? What if He's asking me to love and potentially have my love be unrequited once again? How many times have I done that to Him?
Here's to discernment, here's to trying to figure out what God is asking of me, and here's to realizing that nothing in life is guaranteed and that truly, love is risky.
