Go

I met with her. After a few minutes of light, genial conversation she dropped the bomb, "Well, I'm seeing somebody, and I wanted to make sure you knew that."

What?

What kind of person does something like that? She spent the rest of the conversation continuing to drive hard on this point that she wanted to be friends with me. I mean, what do you do with something like that? I eventually was forced to come to a conclusion: she had/has a very misguided idea of how to love me. This has forced me into yet another chapter of trying to understand the deep mysteries of love.

I've been listening to this song by Switchfoot a lot lately, "Enough to Let Me Go." The general premise of the song is one person conversing with another simply asking, "Do you love me enough to let me go?" This seems so counter-intuitive, but is it really? Love, necessarily, must know when to hold tight and when to let go for the sake of the beloved.

In my Christian Moral Life class in college, love was one of the most important things we talked about the entire semester. Along with being drilled on the basic principle, "knowledge leads to love which leads to unity," there was another key, essential point that I walked out of that class with: love is making the wants and needs of the beloved your own. Love is totally centered on the other person, it's totally focused on what their needs are, their wants, their dreams and how you can put those ahead of your own. Mark Hart summarized it once saying, "Love is not give and take, love is give." Powerful words, for a very powerful virtue.

Can one love through letting go? I would submit that yes it can, and even in some circumstances it must. Consider the parent who loves his child so much, but understands that what is best for his beloved child is to let him go away for college to grow as an adult. Consider the best friend who has to let his friend go to a certain extent as life's circumstances change (i.e. new jobs, marriage, different opportunities) all because he understands that these other circumstances, which require a "letting go" are going to bring about the happiness of the beloved best friend. Think of even Christ Himself, Who ascended into heaven, knowing that sending of the Holy Spirit was going to be the best for His apostles and for His beloved Church. He had to let go of being with them in the physical, tangible, earthly sense so that His beloved could grow in holiness in a new and dynamic way that His physical presence could otherwise hinder.

Love must not be selfish, it can't be called love if it is. As I consider everything with Ashley and her continued insistence on being "friends" after all of the heart-wrenching agony she caused in my life, I'm forced to conclude that she must genuinely not have a true grasp on what love really means. A lot of people have a very misguided sense of love, that love means grasping a hold of and never letting go, keeping people close because that is the only way that they can be loved, but in reality, sometimes that isn't even love, it's just selfish need for attention. I have been forced to conclude that everything with Ashley simply boils down to that: she wants my friendship for the "warm-fuzzies" she may receive for it, but has no consideration for how my soul feels or where my circumstance lies. If she truly loved me, she would understand that she needed to love me enough to let me go, and that is really all I can hope for in regards to this terrible heartache that I've been left with. Let me go.