Stand

I'm not afraid to take a stand,

Everybody come take my hand,

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm,

Just let you know that you're not alone,

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road,

And I just can't keep living this way,

So starting today I'm breaking out of this cage,

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons,

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground,

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up,

Time to put my life back together right now.

Eminem's new single, "Not Afraid" has just rocked my world lately. It's so different from most of his singles, usually they're the irreverent, obnoxious Slim Shady songs. This song just hits on some deep, and I dare say, uplifting themes. He talks about being thrown down to the ground, being beaten into the ground, dealing with the darkness of depression and addiction, yet he's taking a stand, stepping up, cleaning house, making things new. 

I'm coming to the close of the year, and my heart is still fragile, it's still broken. I'm still unsure of everything. But I'm compelled by the overwhelming conviction that I just can't keep living this way. Time to stand up, face what is shattering me unwaveringly. What does that look like? I'm not sure yet, but whatever the hell it is I need to do, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do whatever the fuck it takes to own myself again.

Dissatisfied

I don't wanna be where you are,

I don't wanna be here even now,

I don't wanna be by your side,

Something isn't right,

Something isn't right.

God if You can hear me out alright,

Please take these feelings for her inside,

My chest hurts when I breathe tonight,

It's wasting me away, 

You're wasting me away,

My soul is dissatisfied. That's the best way to describe where I'm at. I thought I was getting better, I thought I was letting go, I thought that I was going to be strong enough to deal with all the circumstances encircling me. I was wrong. Every time she walks by, every time she looks away, my heart just hurts. My chest still continues to be tight, and as much as I've tried to lay this all out before God, there's something in me that simply can't do it. If I was to just be completely honest with myself, I'd be forced to come to the conclusion that I allowed myself to fall in love with her, and I'm coming face-to-face with the reality that has slapped me across the face countless times before: romantic love is not meant for me. Experience speaks louder than any reason, it screams incessantly "you're not worth it, give it up." 

Being here just hurts, I don't want to be here any more. I don't want to be anywhere, I'm just very unsettled right now. All I want is for God to just take these feelings I have for her inside and let me start fresh. It kills me inside just how cold things seem to be anymore. I'm certain that I've lost my mind, what else could explain why I still want to pursue her? Why do I let this happen to me? Something isn't right, I'm so stupid. I just hurt, and I don't want to hurt for her any longer. God, please take away these feelings for her... please.

Ascending

And I'm trying to make you sing,

From inside where you believe,

Like it's something that you need,

Like it means everything,

And I'm trying to make you feel,

That this is for real,

That life is happening,

And it means everything,

I'm just trying to make you sing,

Tonight, I listened to this song by David Crowder for the first time since I listened through the whole album in high school. At the time I last heard the song, I thought, "This is such a pointless song." Tonight though, something in it just hit me, and made a huge impact. 

The whole premise is about the idea of this lark, the lark that is rising and pulling all of us with him. Christ is the ultimate lark, He is the one Who is pulling us up with Him, even though "the ground is pulling at our feet." If you think about a lark, they're not very big, they're not necessarily impressive looking, but their songs can lift the very soul of anyone who listens. It is fitting therefore that Christ is the lark, the song of His love is enough to lift anyone who listens to it. Yet, this song is not a solo, it's meant to be a duet. Just as Christ is the lark, we too are called to be larks, we're to be pulled up and raised up and sing beautifully in harmony with the song of Christ. 

He's singing out to us, He's pouring out His love unreservedly. He's "trying to make you sing." We sing as Christians, we walk the walk, sometimes, and we may even talk the talk, but does it come from inside? When the rubber hits the road, and things are crappy and the whole world seems to be crumbling around us, do we sing the duet of trust and love that God, our Divine Lark, is calling us to sing with Him? Does it come from inside where you truly believe, where it's something that the soul needs. Every single moment is real, just stop and think about that, it's real. How many moments do we let pass by without a second thought, without feeling and understanding that it is real. Life is happening, God is singing out to us, trying to lift us from this ground that "pulls at our feet" and bring us into His Glory. This is real, this is happening now, and guess what? IT MEANS EVERYTHING.

Position

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh they can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Ah Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
At every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin' there
Holdin' my tounge tryna talk like this
'Till I stuck my tounge on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone... so
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through oh
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
so oh oh

Thursday afternoon, I needed to leave Atchison. I needed to not be here for a while, I just needed to disappear, and dissociate for a while. I went down to Pittsburg, Kansas to visit my friend Mike. It's a three hour drive from Atchison to Pittsburg, and throughout most of the drive I ended up listening to "Beautiful" by Eminem for most of the drive. I'm in a strange position across the board and I'm just done, I've been hard to reach lately and I think that I'm slipping into a mild depression. I'm losing interest in most everything, I just don't care. I've beginning to feel distant again, and I just need some spark to bring me back. 

Heartache sucks. Not knowing what I'm going to do with my life next year sucks. I'm beginning to search for my worth in the wrong places again, in academics, in relationships, in how funny I may be. Listening to this song, in some small, messed up way, was therapeutic during the drive to and from Pittsburg. As I thought through all the murmurings that are allegedly being said about me, the main thrust of the chorus just helped me deal with it, "don't let them say you ain't beautiful, they can all get fucked, just stay true to you." I don't know if anything I'm hearing is even grounded, and I try not to get carried away on rumors but some of this stuff just hurts, and the only thing that's getting me through this is thinking, "they can all get fucked, just stay true to you." I'm broken, yes. I'm bitter sometimes, yes. I care too much sometimes, yes. I'm a hypocrite, yes. Yet, here I am, and for right now, I just need to stay true to me, even if that means indulging in my bitter side.

Romance

The fullness of

Your grace is here with me,

The richness of

Your beauty is all I see

The brightness of

Your glory has arrived

In Your presence, God,

I'm completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance,

Rejoice in this Divine Romance,

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love

To show my love

A deep deep flood,

An ocean flows from You,

Of deep deep love,

Yeah it's filling up the room,

Your innocent blood,

Has washed my guilty life,

In Your presence God,

I'm completely satisfied,

For You I sing I dance,

Rejoice in this Divine Romance,

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love

To show my love

Intimacy. That's what my soul longs for. I continually seek it out, push, leap, jump after it from whatever my eyes are set on. I keep looking for it, crying out for it, my soul screams for want of it, and the fact of the matter is I don't feel like I really have it. It hurts, my chest is tight and sometimes it's hard to breathe, there are times when I wake up in the morning and I just don't want to get out of bed because I ask myself, "What is it that I have to meet me today? Any intimacy?" It constantly seems to be a resounding, "No, no intimacy at all" that seems to answer my soul's most essential inquiry. It just hurts. 

Nothing happens accidentally, everything is gifted providentially. Every moment in time is God reaching out and enveloping me in His mercy. This became clearer to me throughout the course of this day. I drove to St. Joe to grab coffee with Dana and Andrew, we went to an awesome adoration chapel just outside of St. Joseph. I was taken aback by the sheer beauty that was covering all of this chapel. I kneeled and looked at my Eucharistic Lord and prayed simply, "Take this, all of it, I give it to You freely and unreservedly, do with it as You please." The desires of my heart, the things I've been trying to "figure out" for most of this year, I just handed it all over, all of it and wanted Him to take all that I had to offer.

Upon my return to campus this afternoon, I responded to my friend Dania's post on my facebook page. The quote she had on her page was simple, profound, and exactly what God needed me to hear. All it said was, "In Your presence God, I'm completely satisfied." This simple phrase, this profound prayer to God, was exactly what my soul needed to pray today. I immediately bought the song, "Divine Romance" by Phil Wickham and started to listen to it. As I just let myself get wrapped up in the lyrics I came to realize that this song is the song of my soul at this exact moment in time. I started to reflect on romance, and how it ever constantly seems to elude me, and I came to a fantastic realization today: all the romance I could ever want is being put forth by God all the time. Then things started to click, love is a complete and utter gift of self within the marriage covenant, the unreserved handing over of all that you are to your spouse. God has been courting me. He's been romancing me. It was just a few moments ago that I came to realize that as being a member of His bride, the Church, He wants to give all of Himself to me, and if I truly love Him as I'm supposed to, I need to give Him all of myself. That is romance. That is the perfect, most holy of romances. Today was a romantic encounter with my God, which is so unbelievable considering how all of my ideas and concepts of the romance I thought I had a shot with fell apart this week. Does it hurt still? Yes. Does this make everything easy? No. Yet, I cannot disregard the fact that my God is trying to romance me, He is trying to show His deep love for me, and asking me to reciprocate. I think that in some small way I was able to do that today, in handing everything over, in reflecting on the ocean of His mercy, in considering the facts that I just want to be loved romantically. He knows the needs of my heart, and He decided to give them to me today, just in a way which was unexpected. In Your presence God, I'm completely satisfied...

Unrequited

My heart beats wildly

When your eyes meet my own

How could it beat mildly

When this love inside is dying to be shown?

Can words express what is in my heart?

Or the thoughts running through my head?

How I can't stand when we're apart?

Or that without you my love is dead?

So shall I stand with hat in hand,

My heart upon my sleeve,

I wish to give you a wedding band,

Please, oh please, don't leave

Hear again that same story,

A certain sign from above,

How you have no feelings for me,

And I am left again with unrequited love.

Wideness

"There's a wideness in God's mercy,

I cannot find on my own,

and it keeps this fire burning,

to melt this heart of stone."

I'm on campus this year for the Triduum, and for the first time in my life I have not celebrated these mysteries with my parish. The mass last night for Holy Thursday was beautiful, simple, and filled with reverence, but there was something that I just felt was missing. I think a big part of it was that we did not sing, "The Love of God" by Rich Mullins. That song encapsulates so much of my Triduum experience, it was weird not singing it last night. 

Today is Good Friday, we remember the passion and death of our Lord and consider all that He has done for us. As I sit back and I consider and reflect the truth of the love of Christ, I'm dumbfounded. God's love is so unfathomable, it is so far beyond anything that we can imagine. The God of the universe came and took on flesh to be one like us. He humbled Himself, and even beyond that, He sacrificed Himself, being beaten, scourged, whipped, and nailed to a cross. What love is this? A love beyond imagining.