Mine

Everyone has their obsession,

Consuming thoughts consuming time,

They hold high their prized possession,

That defines the meaning of their life,

You are mine,

You are mine,

You are mine all mine,

You are mine

Today I was driving around and taking care of random tasks: signing my lease, taking a prescription to my aunt. During one part of my drive I was listening to this song and it's slowly continued to echo throughout my consciousness the entirety of the day. It got me thinking: what defines the meaning of my life? What is the prized possession that I hold high? The gut instinct as someone who is trying (granted, and failing) to live as a Christian is that thing is the cross, that defines the meaning of my life, the possession I hold high. What weight does that carry with it though? Is there something bigger to it? What is the other side of "you are mine?"

What mesmerizes our souls? Again, the gut reaction is to say the cliché, "God" or "the Church" or "the cross." What does that look like? Can we legitimately hold up the cross and say that is the thing that defines the very meaning of our lives? To hold up the cross as the meaning and driving force of our lives is to make a claim greater than the over-used "I'm a Christian." Holding up the cross as what defines our lives, our very existence, means also holding up all the hurt, the pain, the death of our lesser selves, the very blood of our Savior offered as recompense for our depravity. Can we hold that up sometimes and other times set it down when the road becomes too hard, too trying, too unsure? I don't think so. 

If I am to legitimately say, "the cross holds the meaning of my life" I must also be able to say, "I accept every aspect of the cross in each moment, each breath, of my life." Anything less is hypocrisy. I can think of other things that I've held up as the defining part of my life: work, school, relationships, family, friends, even mere prayer itself. Each of these things, while they may be good, do not require or expend as much from us if each is the one thing that may be the defining key to our lives. The cross by its very nature requires something more, it requires an entirety of all we are including each of those individual pieces, to be offered up, sacrificed, broken, and given. Can I say that the cross is what really defines my life? I don't know for sure, it's a very real, very heavy claim to make, I can only pray that one day God gives me the grace to truly say with all of my being that the cross is what defines me.

Soon

Something tells me I'm not getting younger,

As time blows by like the wind,

 In my chest my heart is beating faster,

As I wonder where and when,

Will she come, catch my eye?

Step into my life?

I don't know how it will be,

But here's my word tonight:

I will love you more than the ocean loves the rain

I will be your strength, even in the pain,

And our love will grow, every morning, night and noon,

But until then, I wait for someday soon

There's a lot of things I want to tell you,

About the future that's in store,

Raising a family we will pass our love to,

A new life, an open door.

I went to a beautiful wedding this past weekend, the bride and groom were just madly in love with each other, and emphatically throwing themselves towards each other in love. It was a fantastic, moving, breath taking event to be a part of. While I was there, I was once again face-to-face with the woman who has stolen my heart, despite my best effort to take it back. I looked into her eyes and once again was captivated, caught up in who she is. Her laugh, her smile, her humor, all of it just caught my mind and held it in her beauty. It was fantastic and devastating all at once, as I looked at this woman who has mesmerized my heart, I realized that there are some things that I just have to wait for.

Right before I left for the wedding, I discovered this song by Nathan Angelo, it is a fantastic, beautiful, simplistic picture of a man simply waiting for the love of his life. The lyrics resonate with the deepest parts of my soul in a very real, meaningful way. What can I say? What can I do? Would I sacrifice anything to be with her? Certainly, in a heart beat. Is anything going to happen any time soon? Probably not. All I know is this: patience and trust, that is all that I need.

Real

Today I found my first apartment. I filed the application, I spent the morning searching and found a nice place to settle down in for the next year. God blessed me a lot today, but there's a part of me that is whispering, "I don't know if I'm going to be happy here." This is along the same lines of taking the position at St. Joseph hall last year, it seemed like the less-than-ideal situation, but it ended up being the best thing for me. At a time that I should be excited and happy, I can't help but feel scared, anxious and alone.

As silly and unfounded as it sounds, I can't help but think about her. I can't help but consider how my heart just aches for her. I continually ask for God to just purify my heart and remove this desire if it's not from Him, but it seems half-hearted sometimes, and when it was heartfelt truly, it seemed that He spoke differently to my heart. I talk with her, my heart still skips a beat. I receive a text from her, I can't help but smile. I got a phone call from her the other day and the mere fact that she called me sent me to cloud nine. I can't explain it, I can't understand it, it's just there. What has my heart done to me? I don't understand myself anymore. 

As much as this is bizarre and weird, when I think about her, when I think about how much I just want to pursue her, I've never felt so real. It is so strange, but I feel more human, more in touch with what it really means to be alive when I think about pursuing this girl. This is all completely unfounded, completely without any spark from her, completely foolish, I know, but that is simply how it is, that is where my heart is speaking right now. I keep bringing it to God, and all that I can pray is, "You know this is good... just for once let what I want be what You want too..." Foolish? Selfish? Impossible? Yes, maybe, but maybe even more than that it's just...real.

Win

Love wins. Let that sink in. Love wins. My last really serious conversation of my collegiate career was with my good friend Karmen. We threw around ideas, reflections and memories of our time at school. At one point she turned to me and asked me simply, "What is the one thing that you think you've walked out of Benedictine really knowing?" I thought about it for a minute and all that I could simply say is that love is everything, love is the cornerstone of existence, love wins. What a concept, something that is just so concrete and real to Christianity, but something that is forgotten time and time again. 

I look back at the four years that helped to form me into who I am today and I would not be in the place I am at all had it not been for love, period. Countless times I considered transferring out of school to go someplace else, someplace away from the drama, the pain, the hurt, the frustrations that sometimes accompany small Catholic schools. Countless times I'd wake up and stare at the ceiling (or bottom bunk in the case of Junior year) and just wonder, "Why am I here?" Love. Love is why I was there, love is what transformed me, love is what brought me low and raised me up, love is what shattered my heart and stitched it back together again making it even more beautiful than it was before, love is what slapped me across the face and called me to a life beyond my own confined view of what it should be, love is what won my soul. Despite the ups and downs, the joys and pains, the laughter and the tears, one thing flowed through it all and kept everything together, love. Thomas Merton said once, "Nothing counts except love." That's it, the Lord of the universe came and sacrificed Himself to be with us because He loves us. Love is the end game. Love is the key to life. Love is all that matters. Love wins.

I stand on the threshold of a new chapter of my life. There are countless questions that face me and plague my mind, but ultimately, it's okay that I don't know what's next, because I know the end of it all, love wins. If I'm called to live at home, love wins. If I'm called to Wyoming, love wins. If I'm called to the midwest to pursue my heart's desire, love wins. Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have conquered the world" that is, the King of Love has conquered the darkness and depths of sin. Love wins. In how I relate to my family, love must win. In how I relate to my friends, love must win. In how I relate to my God, love must win. That's it, that is the crowning jewel of my educational experience at Benedictine, nothing else matters but love because ultimately love wins. It is time for me to let go, to dive in, to jump, trust that He will catch me and just let love win in my life. That's it, nothing else matters, only love. God, Who is Love has given Himself to us, His sacrifice on the cross is the most radical statement ever made in the history of the universe: love wins.

Say

Even if your hands are shakin'

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closin'

Do it with a heart wide open

Wide open

Say what you need to say

This is it. I'm standing on the edge of another dive into radical trust in God with my life, I graduated from Benedictine today, and there are a few things that I just need to say. How can I adequately express what God has done and will continue to do with me because of my experience at Benedictine? Words are simply not enough. As we're all departing and making for our new adventures and undertakings all I can think of is this: jump, and trust that God is going to catch you.

That has continually been the theme of this past calendar year for me. Last April, I was given a position in St. Joseph hall, one that I did not want, one that I thought would ruin my last year of college, but, ultimately, I just had to jump and trust that God would catch me.That was the best thing that could have happened to me this year, period. Throughout the year as I've continued to work hard towards my academics, relationships, and leadership roles it's always come back to this simple idea of jumping and trusting that God is going to catch you.

So, here we are, fellow classmates. Some of us know what we're doing next year and have everything lined up for us. Others (like myself) are still trying to figure that out, regardless of where you find yourself in the scale of preparedness just remember: jump and trust that God is going to catch you. Thank you all for giving me the opportunities to do that. Thank you for your love and support and your patience with my inadequacies over the years. I took a leap in coming to Benedictine, and God truly rewarded me for that by giving me you. I mean it, my life has forever been changed for the better because you have been a part of it. The smiles, the jokes, the tears that we've shared over the years have been incorporated into my soul. 

I can say with unwavering certainty that I love all of you very, very deeply. It is going to kill me to walk away from this place and not see many of you again for quite some time, but again, it's time for us to jump and trust that God will catch us. If there's one thing that I've learned during my time here at Benedictine, it is simply that love never fails. That's it, that is the crowning jewel of the knowledge that I have gained here. Each of you has come to occupy a special place in my heart, and I want you to know that I would absolutely, unequivocally do anything for each one of you. We may be leaving and taking on new beginnings in different parts of the country, but rest assured, you will always, always, always be able to count on me for whatever you need of me. I've come to see that God has chosen to love me through each one of you, and I only hope that you can say the same for me. To me, you're more than friends, you are my brothers and sisters that I love unreservedly. Thank you, so much, for everything. Dr. Seuss said once, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." When in doubt about what may or may not be around the corner, just jump, trust that God's going to catch you.

Stand

I'm not afraid to take a stand,

Everybody come take my hand,

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm,

Just let you know that you're not alone,

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road,

And I just can't keep living this way,

So starting today I'm breaking out of this cage,

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons,

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground,

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up,

Time to put my life back together right now.

Eminem's new single, "Not Afraid" has just rocked my world lately. It's so different from most of his singles, usually they're the irreverent, obnoxious Slim Shady songs. This song just hits on some deep, and I dare say, uplifting themes. He talks about being thrown down to the ground, being beaten into the ground, dealing with the darkness of depression and addiction, yet he's taking a stand, stepping up, cleaning house, making things new. 

I'm coming to the close of the year, and my heart is still fragile, it's still broken. I'm still unsure of everything. But I'm compelled by the overwhelming conviction that I just can't keep living this way. Time to stand up, face what is shattering me unwaveringly. What does that look like? I'm not sure yet, but whatever the hell it is I need to do, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do whatever the fuck it takes to own myself again.

Dissatisfied

I don't wanna be where you are,

I don't wanna be here even now,

I don't wanna be by your side,

Something isn't right,

Something isn't right.

God if You can hear me out alright,

Please take these feelings for her inside,

My chest hurts when I breathe tonight,

It's wasting me away, 

You're wasting me away,

My soul is dissatisfied. That's the best way to describe where I'm at. I thought I was getting better, I thought I was letting go, I thought that I was going to be strong enough to deal with all the circumstances encircling me. I was wrong. Every time she walks by, every time she looks away, my heart just hurts. My chest still continues to be tight, and as much as I've tried to lay this all out before God, there's something in me that simply can't do it. If I was to just be completely honest with myself, I'd be forced to come to the conclusion that I allowed myself to fall in love with her, and I'm coming face-to-face with the reality that has slapped me across the face countless times before: romantic love is not meant for me. Experience speaks louder than any reason, it screams incessantly "you're not worth it, give it up." 

Being here just hurts, I don't want to be here any more. I don't want to be anywhere, I'm just very unsettled right now. All I want is for God to just take these feelings I have for her inside and let me start fresh. It kills me inside just how cold things seem to be anymore. I'm certain that I've lost my mind, what else could explain why I still want to pursue her? Why do I let this happen to me? Something isn't right, I'm so stupid. I just hurt, and I don't want to hurt for her any longer. God, please take away these feelings for her... please.