I had this surreal experience this afternoon. I went to confession after work and was in tears as I was in confession, feeling so beaten and tired, then after I went to kneel down and pray my penance this song just started welling up in my heart. The only line that kept echoing in my heart was, "I am nothing without You." I was driving home and I just listened to this song on repeat the entire drive home and I was so moved by it, so simple, and yet, it completely rocked me to my core. To the point where teardrops were running down my face as I was praying along with this song.
I know that over the past couple years I've referenced this video a lot, but, now, at this moment, it connects with me on a visceral level.
I think it's time for me to leave full time youth ministry.
I'm terrified, anxious and more than anything inexhaustibly excited. I feel like this past month something has finally clicked with me, something so simple it's ridiculous I didn't recognize it before. What I've realized is this: I don't need anyone else's approval or permission to live my life. The simple reality is that faults have weighed on my confidence, they've made me second guess myself at every turn, my sins have stolen my innocence repeatedly over and over again and when I think about how short life is, it just dawned on me, now is the time to seek what I love. I love studying psychology, I love being able to sit face-to-face with people and try to work through their problems with them it's like, something that is so intrinsically placed in my heart-of-hearts. I want to go into counseling psychology. God, I think, has been distant to make me uncomfortable, make me second-guess what's happening in my life and making me truly re-evaluate where I'm at, and what's happening in my soul.
I'm tired of hiding in the walls of my insecurities and allowing every voice that arises stoke and foster doubts in my heart. I'm done with it, and you know what, there's an incredible freedom that arises when I think about being able to go back to school, dive into studying once more and then move forward in my life. Hope will buy me another day! The hope that this isn't where the train ends, the hope that I can move forward and seek to grow as a human being and conquer my doubts, fears and anxieties in a community of love. My soul is in darkness, but God, just see me through this night, see me through this fight, and I will rise anew to serve You with a reinvigorated heart once more.
I'm elated to be able to push back now. I'm tired of being walked over, of being underrated and unappreciated. I'm tired of being hated because of my humanity. I think the time may be upon me to stand up, get up and leave. This is terrifying, but exhilarating all at once. Time to get myself back.
I am SO fucking sick of this shit. I'm tired of the politics. I'm tired of having to deal with assholes that continue to think that they can say and do whatever they want without experiencing any repercussions. I'm done. I want out of this drama, out of this frustration. I don't want to deal with you any more, get out of my fucking life, it's complicated enough as it is without you fucking it up any more.
Ever have one of those days? You know, those days where every little thing just seems to crop up to take the wind out of your sails? All of your failures and weaknesses seem to be poured out in plain sight for you, and the world, to see? Yeah. Today was one of those days.
I know I'm not the best youth minister in the world, in fact, I'm pretty damn far from it. I try my best, I pour my heart out time and time again, and sometimes it feels like nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares. All that seems to come up is, "John, you need to do this better," or, "John, people are saying this about you." When all you seem to be shown is how screwed up you are, it's hard to believe that you can be anything more than a giant failure.
There was this experience in college that I had that I'm a bit reluctant to write down because it was so intimate, so beautiful, so divine. After a day like today though, I need to be reminded how God crashes through the ordinary, even the heartache, and triumphs over it all. One night, Jordan, Andrew and I came back from our nightly trip to the adoration chapel. We huddled into my room and began to do our nightly recap of prayer as was custom. I put my itunes up and simply left it on shuffle. We talked about girl problems, discernment, the heartache of trying to please God but simply coming up short. We has just finished an exchange and this song came on...
We all stopped, and just listened. Caught up in the simplicity and beauty of the song. Sometimes in my life, like today, I come back to this song and reflect on that moment. Even though at the time I felt like everything was overwhelming and I was going to crash, I now look at that year as the fondest year in memory. When I begin to feel overwhelmed and tempted to believe I am the sum of my weaknesses and failures, I stop and listen to this song. I try to hit the pause button on everything in life. He pulled me through the storms in my life at that time. He will continue to pull me through, period. He wins, and I am His. He did not lead me out here to drown.
