Restless

See, I refuse to believe,

That my life's going to be,

Just some string of incomplete,

Never to lead me to anything remotely close to a home life,

Been holding out for a home life,

My whole life

There's an inexpressible part of my soul that's just unsatisfied right now. I want to be able to offer myself, unreservedly, to the love of my life. That is it, that's all I want, and it's hard when there's someone who is just so close and yet so far away. My heart cries out whenever I'm around her, and I get subtle little snippets that I read into probably way too much which make me think that she may be feeling the same way. I'm so hurting, just broken, I want so bad for my love life to have some semblance of sense to return. I cannot be satisfied with just accepting that all that I have to look forward to is a life of incomplete without leading me towards something like a "home life" like John Mayer talks about.

I was thinking about my good friend Johnny tonight, about the love that he has for his wife, for his son and it just made me swell up inside. Johnny has this picture of he and his wife at their wedding reception. They're dancing, and holding each other, his forehead pressed against hers. Johnny has this gigantic smile on his face, and she has this look on her face that's filled with joy and love. It's the most fantastic picture I've probably ever seen, and every time I look at it I begin to cry just a little bit, my heart just yearns so bad for that. All I want is a home life, a wife to come home to, children to love unreservedly. God has to have something in store, it just can't be any other way, He knows. I just want to be able to love, completely.

Premature

'Cause nothing's a breeze,

We suffer we bleed,

For two hearts to beat as one,

We learn as we go,

At least now we know,

Something we can't become

Become

Over the summer, I was a "Mute Math VIP" which essentially meant that I got priority access to the concert that upcoming fall and I also got to listen to their new album before it was released to the general public. When I first listened to the album, this song stuck out and really grabbed ahold of me. I think as with any good song, it only becomes more appreciated as it resonates with life's circumstances as they come your way. I feel like in an indirect way, this song is a reflection on my soul, and where my heart is.

The simple fact of the matter is this: my heart is scattered, beaten. It's like butter spread across too much bread, that's where my heart is at right now. These lyrics paint the picture of a couple that's tried so hard, exhausted everything within their power to work out issues and fight to continue to love each other, yet it just can't work, it just can't. My heart aches as I think about this circumstance because, as much as it would hurt and it would expend all that your heart had to offer, at least there was a chance, at least there was something to fight for. My circumstance, however, is quite different in that, I feel like an opportunity, something that may have been very good was taken, dashed, and ended prematurely.

There are days that I feel normal, at ease, satisfied with my state, my circumstance. There are other days that I think, "Whatever, I'm graduating soon, waiting for the shot-clock to reset." Still, there are other days that I look at her and I just want to do anything I can for her, something to make her see where my heart stands. It stands divided, aching, wondering, and ultimately dissatisfied. I can wrap my mind around the idea that nothing is easy, but what I can't handle is when I am ready, and willing, to pour myself whole-heartedly into pursuing something and it can't happen because of circumstances. It simply hurts when you're ready to offer yourself, to suffer, even to bleed to lead two hearts to beat as one, and circumstances do not allow for it. What do you do with that? How do you interpret all that happens as being part of God's Divinely ordained, loving plan when this simply hurts? Sometimes, I look her in the eyes, and she has to be able to read it, she has to be able to see where I'm coming from, but I can't do or say anything because it's not appropriate.

Then there are the confounding variables, if you will, that coincide with this curtailed expression of emotion. Sometimes it seems that my emotions are drawn elsewhere, to other potential loves. Sometimes I am bitter about being at Benedictine where the reality of dating like it should be seems like an intangible 'holy grail.' I get angry when I feel like I'm backed into a corner against my will, without my consent, like I'm being played like a puppet. I don't like to feel caged in, kept in a corner where I won't do any harm. There are times when I just feel like I need to smash the social norms and throw my inhibitions out the window and simply tell her, "I think I may be falling in love with you." Yet, here I sit, alone in my room, with nothing but my glass of water to keep me company and my thoughts to mull over.

What if I wanted to suffer, to bleed, 

to make two hearts beat as one?

Weight

"But the harder I try

The more clearly can I

Feel the depth of our fall

And the weight of it all

So this might, could be

The most impossible thing

Your grandness in me

Making me clean" 

-David Crowder

If there is one song that I would consider my "all time favorite" song, it would be "Wholly Yours" by David Crowder. More than anything it, I feel, categorizes my spiritual walk, all of it. The themes that arise from the song are a real gut-check if you seriously sit down and think about them, it's hard to just walk away from some of the lyrics. 

Tonight was one of those nights that it was hard to just "walk away" from these lyrics. I went to mass at St. Benedict's tonight. I decided to go a little earlier to get some prayer time in silence before mass started. As I was sitting in the pew, reflecting on the Psalms this portion of "Wholly Yours" came to mind in particular. I've been reading through St. Augustine for my senior seminar about grace, predestination and free will. Augustine was making me angry today because the more and more I read of him, the more and more I feel like Augustine makes God out to be this distant, impersonal deity that arbitrarily chooses who He will love. It made me angry, but on the flip side of Augustine's theology, it highlights something that I suppose is just hard for me to swallow. The entire underpinning of everything Augustine writes is to show how great God's grace is; so much so that we cannot merit it at all. This seems fairly straight forward, but as I was sitting waiting for mass to start tonight a sudden awareness overtook me: the harder I try to be holy, the more I see I cannot be holy. 

This is the gut-check, this is being made aware that I am "full of earth and dirt." Anything that is good within me does not flow from me at all, not even a little bit. The only goodness that I am capable of is that goodness which God helps me to achieve. Granted, my free will must consent to it, but above and beyond that, I am not the initiating factor here. God's grace is "everything that is bright and clean," as the song phrases it, but I think the most miraculous part about all of this is that the sanctifying grace which is offered to us is not some exterior puppeteering. The grace is internal, intimate, renewing us from within. He is holy, I am not, yet He is changing me piece by piece making me holy like He Himself is holy. How is it that this happens? Well, by becoming wholly His. This was all I could think of throughout mass, the incredible gift that grace truly is, and how undeserving we are. St. Jerome said once, "It is our part to seek, His to grant what we ask; ours to make a beginning, His to bring it to completion; ours to offer what we can, His to finish what we cannot." The more I strive after perfection, the more I see that it will never be mine on my own will and merits. This is the most impossible thing: that He Himself is bringing to completion in me the sanctity that He wishes to bestow. Man is the only creature that needs something outside of himself to complete himself, and God is beckoning to us all, He wants to make us holy, like He is. 

Trust

"He who loves, trusts."-Author Unknown

The funny thing about this post is: I started it over a year ago. I literally wrote the quote above "He who loves, trusts" in May of 2008. I read this and it still resonates with me, it still calls out to some corner of my soul and makes sense of it. Truly, this is a very beautiful quote, simple, and eloquent, like many things it reflects the nature of the Christian life, and God Himself to a certain extent. 

Paul George gave this talk at a Steubenville West conference a few years ago, and the imagery he used was so simple, but so eloquent, and so beautiful, again, like the quote above. He talked about how he loves sharing the gospel with the youth, but the hardest thing for him every single time he leaves home is having to say good-bye to his kids. Tears well up in his daughter's face and she always asks him, "Why do you have to go daddy?" The love she has for her father manifests itself in a very simple, beautiful way. He continued on and told us all about how when he comes home, he pulls into his garage and has to walk up an old, rickety flight of stairs. His daughter always hear him as he takes that first step, and by the time he's a few steps from the top, she flings the door of the house open and leaps from the landing into her daddy's awaiting arms. That story has always stuck with me, it penetrated a part of me that I've always been guarded about letting other people know: how much I want to be a father and have a daughter. Ultimately, it is an example of a beautiful, simple, eloquent expression of love, and in turn, of trust.

The image of Paul's daughter leaping into his awaiting arms shows such a great trust that she has for her daddy. He didn't say that she checked to see if he was ready, he didn't say that she paused at the top of the stair and waited for him to walk up a few more steps. She wrenched the door open, violently, and threw herself into the arms of her father, the father who's love is so trustworthy. She knew every time she leapt that her daddy would catch her, she didn't care that the stairs themselves were creaky and prone to breaking, nor did she stop to think about whether or not her daddy was going to catch her, she just trusted and leapt.

Once upon a time, I was talking with Jason Pastore. We were having a discussion about many things, in particular, how difficult it is to trust in what God's will is, and how hard it can be some time to discern what God's asking. He said, "John, sometimes you just have to jump and trust that God will catch you." How true, how simple, how beautiful. This leads me back to the quote above. As a senior in college, many of my class mates are beginning to stress out, over analyze everything, and question what they're going to do with their lives. The closer and closer I come to graduation, the more and more that I've come to realize that now, more than ever, I just need to love on God. If our love of God could only be like the love between Paul and his daughter. This unbreakable, deep, affectionate love manifests itself throughout day-to-day life for the George family. When was the last time that we could say that our love for God manifested itself throughout our day-to-day life? When was the last time that we simply jumped and trusted that God would catch us? He who loves, trusts. Beautiful.

Time

Girl: (Time together is never quite enough)

Boy: When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home

Girl: (What will it take to make or break this hint of love?)

We need time

Both: Only time

Girl: (When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?)

Boy: If this is what I call home, why do I feel so alone?

Girl: (So tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?)

All the time

Both: All the time

 

 I love the song "The Saltwater Room" by Owl City, why? I'm not entirely sure. I suppose what it illuminates is the beginning of something that could potentially be a life-long love. That imagery, the beginnings of vulnerability, the start of a certain emotional nakedness is both terrifying and undeniably attractive at the same time. I think the lyrics really capture the exciting and scary moments of when two people are considering opening their hearts to each other and I suppose deep down that is truly all that I've ever wanted, someone to really open my heart to unfailingly. 

 Last night I went on a date, a real, legitimate date. The last time I was on a date like the one last night was probably four years ago. The question, "can this work?" the beginning of vulnerability, all the emotions and anxieties that coincide with going on a date was all there. It was a fantastic evening, conversation was good, the wine was delicious and after the first few minutes of wondering, "is this really happening?" wore off, it was what a date should be. Things eventually began to flow between us, and it seemed rather smooth aside from a few silent pauses between conversation topics. As the evening continued, we eventually became comfortable enough to discuss some things closer to the heart and it became clear to me throughout that exchange that it was not going to end up working out. She is an incredible, beautiful woman of God and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to spend an evening with her, but the simple fact was that I didn't feel like it was something either of us was interested in pursuing further. Ultimately, that's okay, because that is what a date is supposed to be, a way to gauge if things should be considered further.

  The date last night, however, leads me back to this song. The ultimate desire to offer the entirety of my heart to someone and enjoy the strained, sometimes awkward, beginning of a new love is still there. More than anything I want to be able to echo the words of Rob Bell when I'm with someone who has captivated my soul, "When I was with her, it was then that I realized that I would rather be there, with her, at that moment in time than anywhere else in the universe." I want to be able to say that spending time alone with the woman that has captivated my soul is like a little home-coming. Sometimes the best things in life though, just simply take time. I remember once in high school my good friend and mentor, Johnny, told me that there are two things that need to be present in order for a relationship to spark: mutual interest and impeccable timing. It seems that I've almost always missed one or both of those things. 

  Time needs to be present for a young love to truly grow. The exchange between the man and the woman in the song is so vulnerable: "What will it take to make or break this hint of love?" Time. Time for the relationship to develop, but also time needs to mature to the fullest in order to sometimes even take the first step. Another phenomenal song, "Tired of Waiting" have lyrics that go like this:

 "So we wait in this vineyard of precious time

Where the Master is all we'll need

He knew when to pick us off the vine

He'll know when to make our colors bleed together." 

  Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, maybe I'm just hopeless, but the fact of the matter is that my heart swells up when I sit down and think about how perfect the time will be when the person God wishes for me to be with appears. Perhaps I've already met her, maybe she's a good friend already, maybe she's only an acquaintance, but the simple fact of the matter is, time needs to be right. Is there someone I wish we could both just simply fall in love together? Yes, but, again, time is all that is needed. But, truly, if this is what I call home then why do I feel so alone?

Hold

"Love will hold us together,

Make us a shelter to weather the storm,

And I'll be my brother's keeper,

So the whole world will know that we're not alone"

This song, "Hold Us Together" by Matt Maher has just rocked my soul since the very first time I heard it. There's something about the idea that love and love alone is enough to hold everything together is so amazing. It reminds me of the gospels. Jesus says in Matthew's gospel, that the man who is wise will build his house upon rock and not sand. This idea connects very intimately with that parable. The parable says that the house built upon rock stood against floods, storms and winds. What is that rock foundation? What can we build the "houses" of our lives upon? The answer is obvious, the love of Christ. Sometimes I don't like being a theology major because there are times that my mind floats towards thinking about God and my relationship with Him in purely academic terms, but that is not the way that it is supposed to be!

George Macdonald, a brilliant writer who heavily influenced C.S. Lewis, wrote once about "God at the Door."  

Nor will God force any door to enter in. He may send a tempest about the house; the wind of His admonishment may burst doors and windows, yea, shake the house to its foundations; but not then, not so, will He enter. The door must be opened by the willing hand, ere the foot of Love will cross the threshold. He watches to see the door move from within. Every tempest is but an assault in the siege of Love. The terror of God is but the other side of His love; it is love outside that would be that would be inside--love that knows the house is no house, only a place, until it enter.

Holy cow. Our existence here, right now, we're building up the house of our lives. What will be our foundation? Are the houses of our lives strong enough to stand to the tempests? This all comes back to love, as so often it does in Christianity. This is not an abstract concept of love, the warm fuzzies, or whatever the heck we assign to love any more, this is the concrete reality of the Divine Love. The simple fact of the matter is this: God will not be satisfied until the house we have is built upon the firm foundation of His love. Indeed, God will send trials, tribulations and sufferings to us until we willingly open up the door of our hearts and allow Him to make of our hearts a loving shelter. If our hearts are already built upon that solid foundation, we have nothing to fear, but more often than not, I at least, allow myself to build my house upon sand.

The lyrics of the song continue on and say, "This is the first day of the rest of your life." To me, that idea signifies a meaningful change. This love is by its very nature transforming, there is absolutely no way that you can stay the same after the love of the living God has entered into your life. Jesus says in John's gospel, "I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly." This is what He's talking about, He's talking about radically entering into our daily experience and overpowering us with His overwhelming love. This is the love that holds the very thread of our lives together!

Deafness

"You called and You shouted,

Broke through my deafness,

Now I'm breathing in,

And breathing out,

I'm alive again."

This song by  Matt Maher, "Alive Again" has really touched my soul lately. It's been a long time since I've heard God's voice, I've been stuck in this strange place. I can't handle it any longer to be quite honest. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one that has brought this on myself or if God is removing His hand purposely to wake me up. Perhaps both? Regardless, I want to feel what it's like to be "alive again."