Premature

'Cause nothing's a breeze,

We suffer we bleed,

For two hearts to beat as one,

We learn as we go,

At least now we know,

Something we can't become

Become

Over the summer, I was a "Mute Math VIP" which essentially meant that I got priority access to the concert that upcoming fall and I also got to listen to their new album before it was released to the general public. When I first listened to the album, this song stuck out and really grabbed ahold of me. I think as with any good song, it only becomes more appreciated as it resonates with life's circumstances as they come your way. I feel like in an indirect way, this song is a reflection on my soul, and where my heart is.

The simple fact of the matter is this: my heart is scattered, beaten. It's like butter spread across too much bread, that's where my heart is at right now. These lyrics paint the picture of a couple that's tried so hard, exhausted everything within their power to work out issues and fight to continue to love each other, yet it just can't work, it just can't. My heart aches as I think about this circumstance because, as much as it would hurt and it would expend all that your heart had to offer, at least there was a chance, at least there was something to fight for. My circumstance, however, is quite different in that, I feel like an opportunity, something that may have been very good was taken, dashed, and ended prematurely.

There are days that I feel normal, at ease, satisfied with my state, my circumstance. There are other days that I think, "Whatever, I'm graduating soon, waiting for the shot-clock to reset." Still, there are other days that I look at her and I just want to do anything I can for her, something to make her see where my heart stands. It stands divided, aching, wondering, and ultimately dissatisfied. I can wrap my mind around the idea that nothing is easy, but what I can't handle is when I am ready, and willing, to pour myself whole-heartedly into pursuing something and it can't happen because of circumstances. It simply hurts when you're ready to offer yourself, to suffer, even to bleed to lead two hearts to beat as one, and circumstances do not allow for it. What do you do with that? How do you interpret all that happens as being part of God's Divinely ordained, loving plan when this simply hurts? Sometimes, I look her in the eyes, and she has to be able to read it, she has to be able to see where I'm coming from, but I can't do or say anything because it's not appropriate.

Then there are the confounding variables, if you will, that coincide with this curtailed expression of emotion. Sometimes it seems that my emotions are drawn elsewhere, to other potential loves. Sometimes I am bitter about being at Benedictine where the reality of dating like it should be seems like an intangible 'holy grail.' I get angry when I feel like I'm backed into a corner against my will, without my consent, like I'm being played like a puppet. I don't like to feel caged in, kept in a corner where I won't do any harm. There are times when I just feel like I need to smash the social norms and throw my inhibitions out the window and simply tell her, "I think I may be falling in love with you." Yet, here I sit, alone in my room, with nothing but my glass of water to keep me company and my thoughts to mull over.

What if I wanted to suffer, to bleed, 

to make two hearts beat as one?