Time

Girl: (Time together is never quite enough)

Boy: When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home

Girl: (What will it take to make or break this hint of love?)

We need time

Both: Only time

Girl: (When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?)

Boy: If this is what I call home, why do I feel so alone?

Girl: (So tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?)

All the time

Both: All the time

 

 I love the song "The Saltwater Room" by Owl City, why? I'm not entirely sure. I suppose what it illuminates is the beginning of something that could potentially be a life-long love. That imagery, the beginnings of vulnerability, the start of a certain emotional nakedness is both terrifying and undeniably attractive at the same time. I think the lyrics really capture the exciting and scary moments of when two people are considering opening their hearts to each other and I suppose deep down that is truly all that I've ever wanted, someone to really open my heart to unfailingly. 

 Last night I went on a date, a real, legitimate date. The last time I was on a date like the one last night was probably four years ago. The question, "can this work?" the beginning of vulnerability, all the emotions and anxieties that coincide with going on a date was all there. It was a fantastic evening, conversation was good, the wine was delicious and after the first few minutes of wondering, "is this really happening?" wore off, it was what a date should be. Things eventually began to flow between us, and it seemed rather smooth aside from a few silent pauses between conversation topics. As the evening continued, we eventually became comfortable enough to discuss some things closer to the heart and it became clear to me throughout that exchange that it was not going to end up working out. She is an incredible, beautiful woman of God and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to spend an evening with her, but the simple fact was that I didn't feel like it was something either of us was interested in pursuing further. Ultimately, that's okay, because that is what a date is supposed to be, a way to gauge if things should be considered further.

  The date last night, however, leads me back to this song. The ultimate desire to offer the entirety of my heart to someone and enjoy the strained, sometimes awkward, beginning of a new love is still there. More than anything I want to be able to echo the words of Rob Bell when I'm with someone who has captivated my soul, "When I was with her, it was then that I realized that I would rather be there, with her, at that moment in time than anywhere else in the universe." I want to be able to say that spending time alone with the woman that has captivated my soul is like a little home-coming. Sometimes the best things in life though, just simply take time. I remember once in high school my good friend and mentor, Johnny, told me that there are two things that need to be present in order for a relationship to spark: mutual interest and impeccable timing. It seems that I've almost always missed one or both of those things. 

  Time needs to be present for a young love to truly grow. The exchange between the man and the woman in the song is so vulnerable: "What will it take to make or break this hint of love?" Time. Time for the relationship to develop, but also time needs to mature to the fullest in order to sometimes even take the first step. Another phenomenal song, "Tired of Waiting" have lyrics that go like this:

 "So we wait in this vineyard of precious time

Where the Master is all we'll need

He knew when to pick us off the vine

He'll know when to make our colors bleed together." 

  Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, maybe I'm just hopeless, but the fact of the matter is that my heart swells up when I sit down and think about how perfect the time will be when the person God wishes for me to be with appears. Perhaps I've already met her, maybe she's a good friend already, maybe she's only an acquaintance, but the simple fact of the matter is, time needs to be right. Is there someone I wish we could both just simply fall in love together? Yes, but, again, time is all that is needed. But, truly, if this is what I call home then why do I feel so alone?

Hold

"Love will hold us together,

Make us a shelter to weather the storm,

And I'll be my brother's keeper,

So the whole world will know that we're not alone"

This song, "Hold Us Together" by Matt Maher has just rocked my soul since the very first time I heard it. There's something about the idea that love and love alone is enough to hold everything together is so amazing. It reminds me of the gospels. Jesus says in Matthew's gospel, that the man who is wise will build his house upon rock and not sand. This idea connects very intimately with that parable. The parable says that the house built upon rock stood against floods, storms and winds. What is that rock foundation? What can we build the "houses" of our lives upon? The answer is obvious, the love of Christ. Sometimes I don't like being a theology major because there are times that my mind floats towards thinking about God and my relationship with Him in purely academic terms, but that is not the way that it is supposed to be!

George Macdonald, a brilliant writer who heavily influenced C.S. Lewis, wrote once about "God at the Door."  

Nor will God force any door to enter in. He may send a tempest about the house; the wind of His admonishment may burst doors and windows, yea, shake the house to its foundations; but not then, not so, will He enter. The door must be opened by the willing hand, ere the foot of Love will cross the threshold. He watches to see the door move from within. Every tempest is but an assault in the siege of Love. The terror of God is but the other side of His love; it is love outside that would be that would be inside--love that knows the house is no house, only a place, until it enter.

Holy cow. Our existence here, right now, we're building up the house of our lives. What will be our foundation? Are the houses of our lives strong enough to stand to the tempests? This all comes back to love, as so often it does in Christianity. This is not an abstract concept of love, the warm fuzzies, or whatever the heck we assign to love any more, this is the concrete reality of the Divine Love. The simple fact of the matter is this: God will not be satisfied until the house we have is built upon the firm foundation of His love. Indeed, God will send trials, tribulations and sufferings to us until we willingly open up the door of our hearts and allow Him to make of our hearts a loving shelter. If our hearts are already built upon that solid foundation, we have nothing to fear, but more often than not, I at least, allow myself to build my house upon sand.

The lyrics of the song continue on and say, "This is the first day of the rest of your life." To me, that idea signifies a meaningful change. This love is by its very nature transforming, there is absolutely no way that you can stay the same after the love of the living God has entered into your life. Jesus says in John's gospel, "I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly." This is what He's talking about, He's talking about radically entering into our daily experience and overpowering us with His overwhelming love. This is the love that holds the very thread of our lives together!

Deafness

"You called and You shouted,

Broke through my deafness,

Now I'm breathing in,

And breathing out,

I'm alive again."

This song by  Matt Maher, "Alive Again" has really touched my soul lately. It's been a long time since I've heard God's voice, I've been stuck in this strange place. I can't handle it any longer to be quite honest. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one that has brought this on myself or if God is removing His hand purposely to wake me up. Perhaps both? Regardless, I want to feel what it's like to be "alive again."

Pins

"Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles

Facades are a fire on the skin,

I'm growing fond of broken people,

As I see that I am one of them."

As much as this song has been on my heart and mind for the past couple months I have failed to write anything about it. This semester has been draining, my faith feels fragile and downright broken for the most part. I have stress coming at me from every direction, RA duties, classes, research, graduate school applications, being present to my best friends, all of these things have taken all that I am and ripped me apart in fifty different directions. At times I feel like I'm wearing masks, sometimes I'm the researcher that has everything together, other times I'm the friend who has been lacking in virtue and investing in the people I love like I would like to. God and I have a very touch-and-go relationship at best, sometimes it seems good, other times it feels faked and forced. All of these facades that I have been spending all this semester focusing on and building up are beginning to confront me and I'm feeling backed into a corner.

In high school my youth minister who I owe a lot of personal growth to, Billie Sue, would quote the bible verse that she tried to live her life by. Often, Billie Sue would bring up Micah 6:8, "You have been told, O man, what is good, and what the LORD requires of you: Only to do the right and to love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God." That, she emphasized over and over again, was the true key to happiness. The last part of that verse is what sticks out to me, walk humbly with your God. Throughout the semester I really feel God has been trying to lead me to humility, in small and big things. It's been in this tearing down process that I've been brought closer to what true humility looks like than I think I ever have been before. The more I've been brought low, the more I've realized how much virtue I lack and, as funny as it sounds, I've realized how the humility that I was so sure I possessed was nothing more than an elaborate schema that I created in order to make me feel somewhat better about myself. 

This false humility that I had allowed myself to believe in for so long really makes me realize how broken I really am. The song, "Pins and Needles" by MuteMath (as quoted above) hits on the point that in order to really love, we have to be aware of the fact that the people we are loving are imperfect and that, we too, are broken and imperfect. What it always comes back to for me and my faith walk is no matter what it is God is showing me or leading me through, it's all about love. This dirt that has come to encrust my existence, my lack of virtue, my sin, my stress, all is supposed to help me see that I am human, I am imperfect, and I can only truly love through and in God. How do I do that? I need to acknowledge my broken state before my God and allow Him to see into what my experience is instead of trying to hide it from Him. It is then, in humility and acknowledging who I truly am, that God can really begin to transform me. I am a broken person, and it is time I stop pretending that I'm not.

Subjection

"But I who am more inclined to go back, than to go forward, continue not always in one state, for I am changed, seven different times. But it quickly becomes better when it pleases Thee, and Thou stretchest out Thy helping hand: for Thou alone without man's aid can assist me and so strengthen me, that my countenance shall be more diversely changed: but my heart be converted and find its rest in Thee alone.

He who would be too secure in time of peace will often be found too much dejected in time of war. If you could always continue to be humble and little in your own eyes, and keep your spirit in due order and subjection, you would not fall so easily into danger and offense. It is good counsel that, when you have conceived the spirit of fervor, you should meditate how it will be when the light shall be withdrawn." -Imitation

The time of year has come to renew my total consecration to our Lady. The novena is meant to make those who would be consecrated reflect upon themselves and try to understand how to grow closer to God. This quote above is part of the first twelve preliminary days and it truly knocked me senseless when I read it.

I am a weak and fallen human being, I lack virtue, I sin often, I have not been perfected in the school of love. This is my reality, and the simple fact is God holds the key to bringing me into Himself through grace and love. What it ultimately comes down to is humility, acknowledging your brokenness before God and acknowledging that you can do nothing aside from Him. He is the One Who can change who we are. He is the One Who can transform us into what we were meant to be. It is only the humble soul that can truly subjugate his own passions and will to his soul, because the humble soul has subjugated himself to his Creator. There are times of religious fervor and zeal, when the faith walk is exciting and worthwhile and rewarding because of all the consolation, but that cannot be it. Hence the imitation book emphasizes during those times of consolation to consider what it will be like once the light is withdrawn. This all echos the message of humility, we do not control when we receive consolation, God does. It is imperative for us to cooperate with His grace and place ourselves at His feet and recognize how truly inconsistent we are and ask that He transforms us into what we were created to be.

We can find our rest in Christ alone, yet because of our weak and fallen nature we seek our meaning in other, lesser things. I'm reminded of David Crowder's song, "How Great." He starts off by singing, "I'm so bored of little gods while standing on the edge of something large, while standing here so close to You, we could be consumed." He goes on to sing about giving everything up, laying it all down and falling face-first before God much like Moses. He implores Christ to rid his heart of all he hides. It then turns into a reflection of how great the love of God is compared with how feeble our love is. So, here I stand, and I'm tired of the little gods that I've wasted so much of my existence pursuing, I want to be consumed, I want to be changed, I want to be made new. It's in that moment when we become aware of our humanity and own our sinfulness that we can stand before God and simply be swept up in His mercy, and begin the transforming process of the conversion of life.

Shattering

"One of the keys to real religious experience is the shattering realization that no matter how hateful we are to ourselves, we are not hateful to God. This realization helps us to understand the difference between our love and His. Our love is a need, His is a gift. We need to see good in ourselves in order to love ourselves. He does not. He loves us not because we are good, but because He is... The free and confident access of a soul that stands face to face with God and understand His mercy and is not consumed with self-hatred because of sins which, it knows, have already been consumed by His mercy--this is the parrhesia  which is ours since the 'goodness and kindness of God our Savior appeared.'" -Thomas Merton

In this passage Merton talks about God's infinite love and mercy in a way that I have not heard before. Merton notes that we need to see some good in ourselves to be able to love ourselves, God does not. God loves us in spite of our sin and wretchedness. His mercy envelops our sin and consumes it. I am reminded of the lyrics of Wholly Yours, "But the harder I try, the more clearly can I feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all." The sin we find ourselves in not only reminds us of how weak we are, but it allows us to intimately feel the love of God.

Jesus says in Luke 7:47, "the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little." The depths of my fallen humanity have forced me to see my own hatefulness, but that seems to be where my reflection ends. It should also illuminate to me the immensity of the Divine Love. The depth of our fall should not simply point out how weak and sinful we are, because if that was it who would want to be a Christian? The weight of it all is not only found in how depraved we are, but in how immense God's love is. St. Paul understood this paradox of our hatefulness and His love. He wrote in his letter to the Romans, "But God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Why else would the Church proclaim that the fall was the felix culpa, the happy fault, if it did not bring us ultimately into the depths of God's love?

Merton also talks about the soul that truly understands the mercy and depth of God's love and is not consumed with self-hatred can truly partake in the parrhesia, that is, free speech. In the original state, Adam talked to God without fear and, in some sense, almost as an equal. God wants us to partake in this freedom of speech with Him. Rob Bell said once, "God can handle what you're thinking. God can handle how you're feeling. God can handle what you're saying. Prayer, if it's anything, is truth. It's being honest with your Maker." So, here we stand, broken, in need of God's hand. Only the soul who really understands God's infinite mercy and how it consumes all of our guilt that can cast aside the temptation to let guilt come between us and our relationship with God. He wishes to be united to us, He wishes to help make us like Himself, but if we continue to wallow in our shameful existence then how can we ever come to love? This life is a battle between the "old self" and the "new self" that God wishes to transform us into, far too often the "old self" continues to impose its guilt on us. We have to own the fact that despite our hatefulness, we are not hateful to Him.

Victory

"O, death, where is your sting?

O, hell, where is your victory?

O, Church, come stand in the light!

OUR GOD IS NOT DEAD!

HE'S ALIVE! HE'S ALIVE!"

The song "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher has been on my heart a lot lately. The lyrics are based off of 1 Corinthians 15:55, "Death is swallowed up in victory, where, o death, is your victory? Where, o death, is your sting?" Christ is risen from the dead, in His passion and death He united Himself to us. Sin holds no power over us, but more often than not it seems that sin is more of my reality than grace is. The key, I suppose, to true holiness and, by default, to true happiness is found in the cross. It is in denying ourselves radically and truly practicing the art of growing in virtue that sin and death no longer hold sway over us. Christ has risen from the dead, trampling over death by death, but in order to partake in the fruit of Christ's death, we too must partake in His death. This must take root in our souls and change our very lives.

God Himself is extending His arms out to reach for us, we must reach back in the same fashion. Just as He reached out His arms on the cross, so must we reach out our arms on our crosses and crucify that which is within us that keeps us from Him. Saint Paul says in his letter to the Galatians, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but He lives within me." Let that be my reality. His death must become the death of me, because it is only in dying that we truly discover what life is. In uniting ourselves with the cross we can too revel in the glory of resurrection. This is Christianity, not some abstract theological concept, no, it is what is meant to touch the very center of our existence and transform it into something greater. Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive!