Position

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh they can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Ah Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
At every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin' there
Holdin' my tounge tryna talk like this
'Till I stuck my tounge on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone... so
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through oh
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
so oh oh

Thursday afternoon, I needed to leave Atchison. I needed to not be here for a while, I just needed to disappear, and dissociate for a while. I went down to Pittsburg, Kansas to visit my friend Mike. It's a three hour drive from Atchison to Pittsburg, and throughout most of the drive I ended up listening to "Beautiful" by Eminem for most of the drive. I'm in a strange position across the board and I'm just done, I've been hard to reach lately and I think that I'm slipping into a mild depression. I'm losing interest in most everything, I just don't care. I've beginning to feel distant again, and I just need some spark to bring me back. 

Heartache sucks. Not knowing what I'm going to do with my life next year sucks. I'm beginning to search for my worth in the wrong places again, in academics, in relationships, in how funny I may be. Listening to this song, in some small, messed up way, was therapeutic during the drive to and from Pittsburg. As I thought through all the murmurings that are allegedly being said about me, the main thrust of the chorus just helped me deal with it, "don't let them say you ain't beautiful, they can all get fucked, just stay true to you." I don't know if anything I'm hearing is even grounded, and I try not to get carried away on rumors but some of this stuff just hurts, and the only thing that's getting me through this is thinking, "they can all get fucked, just stay true to you." I'm broken, yes. I'm bitter sometimes, yes. I care too much sometimes, yes. I'm a hypocrite, yes. Yet, here I am, and for right now, I just need to stay true to me, even if that means indulging in my bitter side.

Romance

The fullness of

Your grace is here with me,

The richness of

Your beauty is all I see

The brightness of

Your glory has arrived

In Your presence, God,

I'm completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance,

Rejoice in this Divine Romance,

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love

To show my love

A deep deep flood,

An ocean flows from You,

Of deep deep love,

Yeah it's filling up the room,

Your innocent blood,

Has washed my guilty life,

In Your presence God,

I'm completely satisfied,

For You I sing I dance,

Rejoice in this Divine Romance,

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love

To show my love

Intimacy. That's what my soul longs for. I continually seek it out, push, leap, jump after it from whatever my eyes are set on. I keep looking for it, crying out for it, my soul screams for want of it, and the fact of the matter is I don't feel like I really have it. It hurts, my chest is tight and sometimes it's hard to breathe, there are times when I wake up in the morning and I just don't want to get out of bed because I ask myself, "What is it that I have to meet me today? Any intimacy?" It constantly seems to be a resounding, "No, no intimacy at all" that seems to answer my soul's most essential inquiry. It just hurts. 

Nothing happens accidentally, everything is gifted providentially. Every moment in time is God reaching out and enveloping me in His mercy. This became clearer to me throughout the course of this day. I drove to St. Joe to grab coffee with Dana and Andrew, we went to an awesome adoration chapel just outside of St. Joseph. I was taken aback by the sheer beauty that was covering all of this chapel. I kneeled and looked at my Eucharistic Lord and prayed simply, "Take this, all of it, I give it to You freely and unreservedly, do with it as You please." The desires of my heart, the things I've been trying to "figure out" for most of this year, I just handed it all over, all of it and wanted Him to take all that I had to offer.

Upon my return to campus this afternoon, I responded to my friend Dania's post on my facebook page. The quote she had on her page was simple, profound, and exactly what God needed me to hear. All it said was, "In Your presence God, I'm completely satisfied." This simple phrase, this profound prayer to God, was exactly what my soul needed to pray today. I immediately bought the song, "Divine Romance" by Phil Wickham and started to listen to it. As I just let myself get wrapped up in the lyrics I came to realize that this song is the song of my soul at this exact moment in time. I started to reflect on romance, and how it ever constantly seems to elude me, and I came to a fantastic realization today: all the romance I could ever want is being put forth by God all the time. Then things started to click, love is a complete and utter gift of self within the marriage covenant, the unreserved handing over of all that you are to your spouse. God has been courting me. He's been romancing me. It was just a few moments ago that I came to realize that as being a member of His bride, the Church, He wants to give all of Himself to me, and if I truly love Him as I'm supposed to, I need to give Him all of myself. That is romance. That is the perfect, most holy of romances. Today was a romantic encounter with my God, which is so unbelievable considering how all of my ideas and concepts of the romance I thought I had a shot with fell apart this week. Does it hurt still? Yes. Does this make everything easy? No. Yet, I cannot disregard the fact that my God is trying to romance me, He is trying to show His deep love for me, and asking me to reciprocate. I think that in some small way I was able to do that today, in handing everything over, in reflecting on the ocean of His mercy, in considering the facts that I just want to be loved romantically. He knows the needs of my heart, and He decided to give them to me today, just in a way which was unexpected. In Your presence God, I'm completely satisfied...

Unrequited

My heart beats wildly

When your eyes meet my own

How could it beat mildly

When this love inside is dying to be shown?

Can words express what is in my heart?

Or the thoughts running through my head?

How I can't stand when we're apart?

Or that without you my love is dead?

So shall I stand with hat in hand,

My heart upon my sleeve,

I wish to give you a wedding band,

Please, oh please, don't leave

Hear again that same story,

A certain sign from above,

How you have no feelings for me,

And I am left again with unrequited love.

Wideness

"There's a wideness in God's mercy,

I cannot find on my own,

and it keeps this fire burning,

to melt this heart of stone."

I'm on campus this year for the Triduum, and for the first time in my life I have not celebrated these mysteries with my parish. The mass last night for Holy Thursday was beautiful, simple, and filled with reverence, but there was something that I just felt was missing. I think a big part of it was that we did not sing, "The Love of God" by Rich Mullins. That song encapsulates so much of my Triduum experience, it was weird not singing it last night. 

Today is Good Friday, we remember the passion and death of our Lord and consider all that He has done for us. As I sit back and I consider and reflect the truth of the love of Christ, I'm dumbfounded. God's love is so unfathomable, it is so far beyond anything that we can imagine. The God of the universe came and took on flesh to be one like us. He humbled Himself, and even beyond that, He sacrificed Himself, being beaten, scourged, whipped, and nailed to a cross. What love is this? A love beyond imagining.

Chase

"Every time I see your face,

My heart takes off on a high speed chase,

Don't be scared, it's only love that we're falling in,

I would never do you wrong,

Or let you down,

Or lead you on,

Don't look down, it's only love, baby that we're falling in"

While I was at home over spring break, there were a few things that became painfully clear to me. Some of them were simple things like, I don't think I can live at home with my parents for an extended period of time any longer, or that I still have a deep passion for youth ministry. Other things were a little bit more intense and in fact, they were down right scary. 

As much as my mind may be screaming for me to "re-think things" or "change my perceptions," the fact of the matter is that I can't deny my feelings any longer. It seemed that this girl took up so much of my "brain space." I would catch my mind wandering and thinking about how she was doing, or think about how difficult it was to not see her for this short break. For the first time in my life, as I considered all of the options that lie before me as I come closer to graduation, I was completely at peace with not going back to Phoenix. Not only that, but I had a desire to leave Phoenix and follow this girl wherever she may go. Am I crazy?  Possibly. Does the way my heart feels make sense? No, but when do things like this really make sense?

I was talking with Dana about all that was shooting through my mind over break, and she smiled and said to me simply, "You're crazy for this girl aren't you?" I guess it's true, the fact of the matter is that I'm going off of little to no gumption from her that pursuing her will lead to anything, but I can't just write everything off. When she looks at me, when I catch of glimpse of those eyes, my heart jumps into my throat and beats a million miles an hour, I feel like I stumble over my words, and I get so nervous. If I was to be completely honest and vulnerable with myself I'd have to admit to the fact that I just want to fall in love with this girl. What is the matter with me? This is the best, worst feeling I've ever had. 

The best things in life are worth fighting for right? I mean, what if I want to fight for this? I think that I owe it to both of us that I do... all that I want is to sweep her off her feet, completely. I want to fight for her love, I want to expend myself as far as I possibly can. What I do know for sure is that every time that I see her face, my heart just shoots off, I want to do whatever is within my power to win her love. Don't look down, just jump, trust that God's going to catch this.

Leading

"For God is leading Israel in joy

by the light of his glory,

with his mercy and justice for company."

 -Baruch 5:9

My old youth minister, Ike, is a large man with a deep joy that spills out into his fantastic, hardy laughs. Fr. Meinrad is a big priest that hums and jokes because of the excessive joy that flows through his life. Dr. B-W is an upbeat, loving man whose joy shines through his smiles. God has blessed me with many examples of how the joy of the Lord is key to living a fulfilling life.

What does it mean to lead your life following the joy of the Lord? God gives us so much to be joyful about, sometimes I just choose not to see it. The life of a Christian should be nothing more than a life of joy. The passage from Baruch says that God leads His people in joy by the light of His glory. His glory is the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit wishes to pour fourth His joy in abundance. What makes Ike, Fr. Meinrad and Dr. B-W so joyful? The movement of the Holy Spirit in their lives. There is something to be joyful about every moment of our existence. God's unceasing, immeasurable love is chocked into every instant of our lives. What does it mean to live in the joy of the Lord? It means allowing the reality of His love to permeate all that we are.

I'm also truly moved by the part of the verse that says that God's justice and mercy accompany the leading of the Lord's people. Studying grace and predestination has led me to despair at times, but this passage shows how God's justice and mercy are things to be joyful about, in the light of His Glory, the Holy Spirit. What it ultimately concerns is knowing that even if we don't completely understand the will of God, we can take hope in the fact that He does.

Ike lives his life by letting the joy of the Lord lead his way. Fr. Meinrad is always joyful because the Glory of the Lord fills every instant of his life. Dr. B-W delights in God because He trusts in His will and in His justice and mercy. My only prayer is that the Lord will lead my life in the way of joy, by the light of His Glory, with His justice and mercy as company.

Dawn

I won't fear the night,

Because You promised me the dawn,

Grace has taken me,

And I'm falling into Your arms,

Redemption wakens me,

And I rise from my sleep,

At last Your Glory shines in me,

Now my soul can live

I love Ike's song, "Falling Into You." I am just so moved by the simplicity and how profound it truly is. The very first lyrics, "I won't fear the night, because you promised me the dawn" sends shivers down my spine every time I listen to it. 

Things seem so dark sometimes, don't they? There are just instances in life, whether it be by our own choosing or by some other design that we just don't know what's going on. There are just times that I at least feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark. Right now, it seems like things are really confusing, I don't even understand my own heart and I can't make heads nor tails of my emotions. It is almost like I'm in a darkness, a darkness that limits my understanding and I think that more than anything else is what terrifies me. This feeling of not being in control and like I'm falling head over heels against my better judgment simply doesn't make sense to me. This darkness is here, it's ominous.

David, an awesome youth minister from my diocese had as his status the other day on facebook," God is faithful... even when we have no idea what He is up to." That alone comforts me as I face all this that lays before me. I ultimately need to let go and sometimes just trust. Trust, trust, trust! Jason said to me, and I always come back to this because I love the idea of it so much, "Sometimes you just have to jump and trust that God is going to catch you." I really feel like Ike's song touches on that very idea. The idea of falling into the grace of God alone, trusting in His presence and love. Even when things seem to be dark and confusing, there is nothing to fear because, ultimately, God has promised me the dawn. When His glory, His grace, fulfills every part of my soul, then I will truly be able to be alive.

That's the dawn.