Down

Today I came into an even greater realization of my failures. Rita laid out for me several things: my immaturity, my pride, my pessimism and called me to something greater. She questioned my drive, saying I valued community more than ministering to the teens. All I can say is:

Duh.

How can I minister well if I have no community to lift me up? How can I be the best that I can be if all I ever do is pour myself out without taking time to fill myself back up? She even told me that since I'm planning on leaving in the spring to, "just leave."

All of this I appreciated her bringing to my attention, truly, but as the night has dragged on it's made me become even more palpably aware of one thing: I don't belong here. I know that I've probably been a huge let-down to St. Thomas, I know I've probably screwed up more lives than I've helped, but all I can say is that I've been trying my best with the limited love that I have to operate from here. I can only hope I've been a beautiful letdown. 

Pray for my teens, that I don't screw them up too much. Pray for the ministry that I don't screw it up too much. Pray for me, that I don't screw me up too much. What can I say? I don't belong here.